6 Year Old Daughter Plays Too rough...what Do I Do About This?

I don't have any suggestions, sorry(!), but I do want to respectfully sound a note of caution.

In our society, we tend to celebrate a lot of behaviors in boys that we won't tolerate in girls, and vice versa. But every woman, at some point in her life, will have an experience that made her wish all the noise and physical rough & tumble hadn't been scolded out of her system.

So, instead of the lesson being "X behavior is not okay," I really recommend making the lesson "X behavior is for X situation; in Y situation, we do Y."

I hope that wasn't too harsh or alarmist; it sounds like you and your husband have a chance to raise a wonderful, brave, free-spirited young woman -- as long as you let her roughhouse *sometimes.*

How about a compromise? Your daughter rough housing is not a problem, in fact, historically, its a strength and that is what your husband sees that you do not. He understands that this is not a gender issue, it is a survival issue. Encouraging your daughter to be a little strong and tough is something he is doing to equip her to survive in a very rough world.

Sorry, I'm going to take sides here a little. You might express to your daughter the concept of peace=gentleness, especially in church and show her by demonstration how she can relax her handshake so it isn't hurtful.

The boys in school don't like it because she might be stronger and tougher than them...if they are little misogynists in the making of course they won't like that. It shows them up. Your insisting you will not tolerate her behavior isn't going to help, in fact it will only confuse her and force her to take sides, and you will lose this one.

A better thing to do is to aim for compromise and BALANCE!! It is fine for her to eventually become both rough and tough AND gentle. It does not have to be all or nothing...but it will take time for her to work out that balance and all the nuances in behavior...encourage her and praise her when she makes progress in that direction. Gently scold her when she goes too far....most importantly, model the behavior you want her to emulate. Children learn only what they see their parents, teacher and peers DO, not what they say.

She has to learn to control it a bit - when 'rough and tumble' is acceptable and when it's not.
Heck, I was playing tackle football with the neighborhood boys and knocked the wind out of one who was 5 years older than me before my Mom made me stop.
You want a girly girl, and she's more of a tomboy.
Telling her to calm down isn't working because it's not in her nature.
You have to channel it and work with it, not against it.
Sign her up for taekwondo.
She'll go a long way to learning control there.
Half the taekwondo class my son is in are girls and some of them can really kick butt.

Seems like this can be compromised fairly easily.
Your husband and daughter enjoy rough housing together which is a fun way for them to bond, and something your daughter will likely outgrow within the next few years.
You just need to teach your daughter boundaries, and hopefully your husband will understand that: "It's okay to wrestle with daddy, because daddy likes it and it's fun for both of you, but it is NOT okay to play like that with your friends at school, they DON'T like it." Same goes with church or any other interaction where manners are involved. Role play and practice with her, how do we greet a friend? how do we behave in church? At six she's old enough to understand and work on impulse control. Praise her every time you see her interacting appropriately, she will get it!

Does your husband know it's an issue at school?

The way I see it, there's a time and a place for everything. My girls play pretty rough sometimes (but immediately snap into mini mommy mode if someone gets hurt)... I don't see the harm in rough housing, but like I said, there's a time and a place for everything. At home? Sure! At church/ school? Absolutely not.

This isn't about playing rough as much as it's about setting boundaries.

Explain to her there are rules at school she must follow. Get her teacher on board (communicate with the teacher what's going on at home so they understand why they have to kind of single your daughter out).

In regards to your husband disagreeing, it's okay not to stand eye to eye on EVERYTHING, but he really needs to be the one, since he initiated it, to let your daughter know it's NOT okay to behave this way at school or church.

She needs to start learning there is a time and a place for everything - she can rough-house with Daddy when it's rough-housing time, and she needs to learn to control herself around others. You can practice with her at home and role-play things like hand-shaking nicely and hugging without knocking someone over. But don't expect her to be "sweet and gentle girl" all the time either. It's great that she is allowed to wrestle with Dad and maybe feel empowered that she can be strong and tough. Maybe you can also look into activities that will encourage that side of her, and give her an outlet for her energy while still enforcing discipline - karate, gymnastics, soccer, etc. When she is a teenager, and some boy tries to take advantage of her, you don't want her being "nice" - she needs to be able to stand up for herself and defend herself if necessary.

If your husband continues to treat her like a boy she will continue to be rough but I think you can be 'sweet, gentle' and still a playful little girl. When my girls were in school I had teachers tell me they had never seen such lady like little girls and yet one was a tomboy at home and climbed and jumped, etc. The other 3 were able to play too but they knew how to act at the right times. I do think your daughter needs to be more gentle in places like church and with others when hugging and shaking hands, etc. You need to say 'this is how we do it' and show her the right way. Tell her there is a time to play and a time to be more gentle or appropriate. Then enforce it. I would tell your husband that since she's gotten complaints from school he needs to work with you or he's causing her issues down the road.

Just a thought for you. I am a pediatric physical therapist and work with all kinds of kids. Some of my patients have sensory processing problems. These kids act in one of two ways, depending on their type of difficulty. One type (not like your daughter) is afraid to move or touch anything, don't like loud noises or bright lights. The other type act very rough, bounce off the walls, knock people over, don't know how to control their body force properly. I don't know your daughter, but it's possible she could be one of these kids. If you think she might be, I recommend reading the book, "The Out of Sync Child". Most bookstores carry it and it's very short and easy to read. You can skip to the parts that might apply to you. Not all pediatricians really understand sensory processing problems, but if it's a problem at school, the school occupational therapist might be able to talk to you about it and help. A pediatric occupational therapist is actually the proper person to test for this, and your pediatrician would likely need to give you a referral to see one.

Seems like this can be compromised fairly easily.
Your husband and daughter enjoy rough housing together which is a fun way for them to bond, and something your daughter will likely outgrow within the next few years.
You just need to teach your daughter boundaries, and hopefully your husband will understand that: "It's okay to wrestle with daddy, because daddy likes it and it's fun for both of you, but it is NOT okay to play like that with your friends at school, they DON'T like it." Same goes with church or any other interaction where manners are involved. Role play and practice with her, how do we greet a friend? how do we behave in church? At six she's old enough to understand and work on impulse control. Praise her every time you see her interacting appropriately, she will get it!