15 answers

6 Year Old Daughter /1St Grade / New Classmate.

hello, second week of school new classmate at school who tells my daughter she doesnt want sit right next to my daughter or trade stickers or share snacks with my child:( at todays pick up my daughter told me her new friend is not speaking nice to her and its hurting her feelings. it breaks my heart....but i keep on telling my daughter "to still be nice at all times, maybe your new friend will come around" i understand last week the new friend had few warnings from the teacher already. What bothers me when a six year child has so much anger inside and to actually say " i will trade my stickers with everyone but YOU" my daughter is very good friends with the rest of the class, very sweet and well behaved same group from last year. The seat of a new student has been assigned at the table right next to my daughter. I hope the new student is just adjusting to new school etc. should i address this to the teacher or let the 6 years old figure it out on their own? thank you.

What can I do next?

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We had this with a girl in K, she would point to everyone and say you're my friend, you're my friend etc. , when she got to my dd she'd say, "you're not my friend". Kids that age do weird things for weird reasons. A month from now, they'll all forget about it.

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More Answers

Just let them work it out. And teach your daughter that she doesn't have to be friends with people who are rude. She can be polite to that person, and make friends with someone else.

7 moms found this helpful

Address what? Not every child has to like or play with your child. This is America and we get to pick our friends. And why do you call this classmate your daughter's friend. It doesn't sound like they are friends, just classmates. All of her classmates will not be and do not have to be her friends.

Also, you are, I'm sure, going by what your daughter is telling you. Remember, there is her side; the classmate's side; and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Stay out of it. It's no big deal. Please don't be a helicopter mom. Your daughter is telling you what happened, but that doesn't mean she necessarily wants you to get involved.

7 moms found this helpful

First, stop telling her to 'still be nice' and that this girl will 'still come around'. I work in my son's school and have seen some pretty snotty little girls this age. Be nice to them and *sometimes* they will be nice to you, however, there are a few little meanies who have to have the last word, even with the adults.

I'd tell your daughter the truth "Wow, it sounds like she's a hard person to be around. I wouldn't like that either. Who do you know in your class who feels good to play with?" This is a great chance to point out that some kids are not a lot of fun to be around, or they may say mean things, and it's okay not to play with them. I firmly believe this. Teaching discernment begins with small moments-- why would we want to be around a person who doesn't treat us well?

Sometimes children benefit from using some dolls or puppets to do a little role playing . This is a way to help kids learn how to speak out for themselves, they can practice this so that when those mean moments happen, they can feel confident saying what they think. Be sure to let them practice both roles-- the meanie and the nice kid who speaks up for herself. There's no perfect thing for them to say, other than to speak confidently and be genuine without being mean. Let your daughter know that you expect her to be polite when the girl is around, but that she doesn't need to try to make friends. There are other kids who are more fun, feel safer to be around.

I'd let this go a bit before addressing it with the teacher. What I saw on the playground is that the teachers are actually pretty good about letting the kids do some figuring it out on their own-- they step in more when one or the other kid comes with a complaint (sometimes both!) and honestly, I've just been so impressed with how those moments are handled. Unless there's physical hitting involved, they really try to move the kids to doing something else or playing with someone else, which helps the kids learn resilience: recess doesn't end just because someone won't play with you-- find someone else to play with. :)

5 moms found this helpful

Let them work it out.
Explain that she's going to meet lots of new people in her life.
Some are classmates, some are acquaintances, some are school buddies, some are friends.

4 moms found this helpful

We had this with a girl in K, she would point to everyone and say you're my friend, you're my friend etc. , when she got to my dd she'd say, "you're not my friend". Kids that age do weird things for weird reasons. A month from now, they'll all forget about it.

4 moms found this helpful

When you say new friend is this someone your daughter has decided is her friend or is it mutual.? The way you talk it sounds like your daughter wants to be her friend but the girl does not want to be friends with your daughter.

4 moms found this helpful

Let the six year olds figure it out. In addition WHY does this little girl HAVE to be friends with your daughter? I teach my son that you do not have to be friends with everyone, but you do have to respect everyone. If you are disrespected by someone and do not know what to do tell an adult (in this case, teacher) and ask for help. Again, I do NOT understand this whole we have to be friends with everyone junk they are teaching kids now - did this come about with everyone gets a trophy?

3 moms found this helpful

This is a chance to teach your daughter a good life lesson. Tell her what a freind is and how they treat you. Also, I told mine to stay away when someone is acting like that and stick around if they decide to behave in a nice way, just remove themselves from the situation temporarily or permanantly depending on how things go. Great chance to point out that she should not emulate that behaviour with others as they may not like it either....win-win.

3 moms found this helpful

Well just remind your daughter that trading belongings and sharing snacks are not allowed at school (at least they are not here) and that this girl is not following the rules and will likely get into trouble for it.
She doesn't need to tell on her but she can ignore her.
We are not always seated next to people we like, not in any stage of life, so unless she is being taunted or bullied just encourage her to ignore this kid and focus on her school work. At lunch and recess she can play with whomever she likes!

2 moms found this helpful

It's not fair to your daughter to NOT tell the teacher about this. The child DOES need to be working with the guidance counselor about her anger. You can ask the counselor to deal with this issue. Meanwhile, there's no point in her having to sit through this day after day. The teacher will move this girl or move your daughter so that they aren't sitting together. All you have to do is tell her.

A 6 year old is not an adult and shouldn't HAVE to figure this out all by herself. BE her advocate.

1 mom found this helpful

Nervy Girl had a great reply.

We had a girl like this in my daughter's first grade class, and I can tell you she didn't get any better until 4th or 5th grade, and even then she would do some weird/hurtful things. She would single some girls out every year to pick on, and in first grade it happened to be my daughter's (still) best friend. She would go up to her and say "This is a list of all my friends and YOU aren't on it." Or would come up to her and say low enough that the teacher couldn't hear "You're ugly" or "Your clothes are stupid." It REALLY did a number on our friend's self esteem - if you are only six and someone is telling you this every day it is going to sink in.

My son had a similar situation, though not as extreme - three of them were friends and the problem child would tell my son he could only be friends with one of them but not the other at any time, which made my son sad because they all three liked playing the same things. Or my son would show this boy a picture he drew and the boy would just tell him "That's not cool; that's stupid." We had lots of discussions about how a REAL friend acts, and honestly by the end of the year my son was totally past this kid.

Now, if the situation is more like the first one above than the one with my son, your daughter will end up needing more than just Mom's kind words about how friends really act with each other. Don't assume this is a "let them work it out" situation, and be sure to involve the teacher and school counselor if it gets to that point. My daughter's friend didn't want to go to school any more because the bullying (which is definitely what it was) got so bad. If your daughter develops another good friend you may want to talk with the new friend's parent about it - I would often remind my daughter that she needed to have her best friend's back and both stand up for her and remind her how cool/pretty/smart she was to counteract what she was getting from the other girl. And if it comes to it, write a letter to make sure the girls don't end up in the same class again during elementary school.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

As a child, we don't have to like everyone, but we don't have to be mean when we speak with them or have to work with them.

I might contact the teacher to see if your daughter could be moved to the other end of the same table so that there was a bit more distance. I have done this before, to the benefit of my child. A mom had asked that her child sit near my child, but similar situation, my child didn't want to sit next to that child.
So I approached the teacher,
I asked, 'Are the seats for the year?'
She said yes.
I said, but maybe to change things up, say every marking period, the kids could shift around?
She looked at me. I explained, she explained.
I said oh. I'm not sure that is the best thing. Would it be possible to not single my child out and have my child and a few others just move around a bit?
She would think about it.
Well, the very next day my kid told me that the teacher moved my child and 2 others around. My kid was still next to the other kid, but at a different table.

1 mom found this helpful

Ask the teacher how best to deal with this. She may need to be aware of this anyway so she can watch for this child to be mean to others. She is an expert in this age group and knows what she'd do.

1 mom found this helpful

Sad, but hardly surprising. These days, the "mean girls" start emerging at 3. Typically under the tutelage of their older sisters and mothers. Your job will be somewhat easier if your daughter is only contending with one mean girl.
Talk to the teacher. Quote directly if you can. If there's no improvement in a few days, insist on a seat change for your daughter for the sake of her emotional health. Everyone doesn't have to like everyone --even in 1st grade, but no one should be allowed to ostracize a classmate.

1 mom found this helpful

Can you believe the drama starts this early? My daughter is also in 1st grade, week 3, and we've heard a few of these gems already too. Mostly the same sassy girl, who my daughter is very fond of. Yesterday she told my daughter her food was gross. How rude! The first week of school it was "we all have to sit on the bench or she won't be friends with us anymore..."

My advice is always to stand up to her, like , she said your food was gross? Tell her that's mean and it hurts your feelings. She said she won't be your friend if you leave the bench? How about you play what you want and just let her decide whether to stay your friend or not. Today my daughter told me she decided not to sit with lil miss sassypants at lunch today (hallelujah). There is not much you can do at this age other than build confidence and resiliency, role play how to respond, and then let them fight their own battles on the playground.

It is pretty age appropriate though. I find that validating my daughters feelings ("well that wasn't nice!"), then downplaying the effects ("oh well, moving on, more friends to be made") is probably the wisest. They have to be able to bounce back from that stuff.

1 mom found this helpful

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