E.A. asks from El Monte, CA on August 13, 2012
6 Year Old Behavior Issues
I need some advice. I've always said my 6 yr old has always been the challenging one & this summer he made me realize Im right! Even after taking a vacation, going to the beach, pool play date etc he still is disobedient & not listening. Its always been an issue. I get a grip on it for a while & then he is out of control again. I know I need to be consistent but honestly the kid wears me out! My older son is 8 & he's easy going. My daughter is 1 1/2 & she is so easy to take care off, but D just is so active, hyper & lately he started something new...yelling back. He shouts & storms off crying & I just want him to listen & obey. He bothers his brother & sister daily. What should I do? Consequences Ive tried & he says he likes them (ex. extra chores) Taking away toys he doesnt care. No TV & he is fine since he doesnt watch too much. I need help :/ Last week I had a very needed date with hubby & we had a sitter just for him...well she called me that he wasnt listening & I had to come get him! Its that bad. I am just clueless what I need to do with my boy :( Suggestions or anyone can relate?
So What Happened?™
Interesting point of views!! Thanks Patty Im glad you can see where Im coming from. I appreciate your words. All kids should listen & obey. I mean they do it in school so why not at home. I am raising then to be independent & make the right choices daily. He is actually going to start 1st grade. He is still on Summer Vacation & he did well in Kindergarten. He even received student of the month!! In school he can follow rules & listen. I have talked to his peditrician & he told me he needs consequences. DAWN, Im not bribing him lol We are a family of 5 & just because one is giving us a hard time, Im not going to punish the rest from having a great summer! He does get consequences & everyday we have a conversation about his behavior. He knows the right choices he has to make but he is testing me & makes the wrong ones anyways. Emajin- yes we have sopanked but honestly I dont think that teaches anything other than hurting others is ok. And I dont want my child to have fear of me for spanking them. We are in 2012 I think there are other ways to get him to listen & have self control. I will work harder & try my best to tackle this issue. Thanks for the feedback
D.K. answers from Pittsburgh on August 13, 2012
It is not his job to listen and obey. It is his job to think and test boundaries and learn and play. He needs better tools to get what he needs. Not punishment for being disobedient. When you listen to him and help him master those tools (words, negotiating skills, active listening, managing his emotions) then he will give up the ones that don't work well for him (yelling, stomping, etc). It would help people give better answers if you could give a specific example in your SWH.
I try to look at my job as raising a person who will one day be many things - empathetic, reasoning, questioning, caring. I am not looking to raise an adult who will be obedient - that is a child who will be molested by any adult who chooses him, that is a kid who will go along with the crowd, that is an adult who will be a sheep and follow whatever the mob decides to do. I want my son to do things because they are the right thing to do - not because he will get punished (if and only if he gets caught) for doing the wrong thing. And not because I have bribed (rewarded) him for it - rewards are just the flip side of punishment and very manipulative. He needs me to model the appropriated behavior and he needs me to teach him the tools to get there. That is my job.
This is a great website to take a look at:
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B.B. answers from New York on August 13, 2012
Does he go to school? Has the school asked that you have him evaluated? Are these behaviors with others as well beyond that one time with the babysitter? It sounds like you need to take him to see a neurodevelopmental pediatrician because it sounds like it is not just parenting. It really could be something like ADHD or maybe ODD. It's best to seek out a professional because it is not going to "get better" on it's own.
Emajin...seriously?? What kind of answer is that?
1 mom found this helpful
D.. answers from Charlotte on August 14, 2012
I'm trying to figure out if you did all this stuff you mention in your first sentence in order to "bribe" him to behave. It doesn't work that way, mom. He gets special privileges for having behaved well in the first place.
Every family needs a vacation. That's not part of this.
When you take him to the pool and he stops listening, you put him in the car and take him home. Same thing for playdates.
If he shouts and screams and storms off, you put him in his room. When he is done with the yelling, ask him if he is ready to do what you ask. He stays in his room until he is ready to comply.
If you have not taken him to the ped and talked about getting some help, you should. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that the school hasn't talked with you about this, since not listening affects his learning.
By the way, since he likes extra chores, give them to him. Most likely, what he likes is you paying attention to him. Do it BEFORE he gets in trouble.
1 mom found this helpful
S.H. answers from San Diego on August 17, 2012
this is one of those things where you have been made to realize that it's so true that everyone has their own personality and you cannot change a person. What you can do is learn how that person ticks. We also have a spirited child - he is persistent, selective, determined and all of the other things that will make him an amazing adult, but causes struggles for parenting.
I have started to read How To Raise Your Spirited Child. I cannot say enough how this book has helped me. When I first started reading it, it was like the author had been in my house, watching my son because she was describing so much of his personality. I am now on Chapter 10 and am able to incorporate some of the ideas in the book and it has made a WORLD of difference. My husband hasn't started reading the book and he is still struggling with our son, but has recently noticed how I manage our son's personality and has agreed to read the book and is trying to incorporate some of the methods he is watching from me.
I cannot tell you enough how helpful it has been and based on what you've written, it sounds like a book that would be helpful for you too. The other great thing about the book is because it talks about different personality types and how they tick, you will learn about your partner and yourself and it will really help you in all your other relationships in your life.
Typical disciplinary methods simply don't work on children like this and this book will help you to learn how to manage his personality and get the things you want done in a respectful manner for everyone and he will be more receptive to learning how to be respectful and to do what you ask of him.
1 mom found this helpful
S.R. answers from Washington DC on August 13, 2012
Have you tried rewarding the behavior you expect from him?
Say...if you go the whole day without yelling at me, you will get _________
If you don't bother your siblings today, you will get ___________
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B.C. answers from Los Angeles on August 14, 2012
FYI, B.B. Emajin J.'s answer means he feels that if you spanked him he wouldn't be doing those things and wouldn't be misbehaving.
I spanked my kids and didn't have those problems. The rewards and punishments moms and dads use must be rewards or punishments in the mind of the one being punished. If you tell your child "No" and he responds with the actions mentioned above, you haven't punished him. You have actually encouraged him. If you reward bad behavior, you get more bad behavior. Partyofive has actually been rewarding him for behaving badly.
If you go over the speed limit, you get a ticket. People drive as fast as they can get away with. Can you imagine how fast people would drive if the police officer pulled you over and said, "I see you were 10 mph over the speed limit. 10 times $10 is $100 dollars. Please sign here indicating I've given you the $100."
Before the DUI laws were changed (Thank you MADD!) people didn't care very much if they drove home drunk. Partyofive's son doesn't care if he obeys or not and she hasn't found the punishment that works. I can tell you from experience that spanking works. Its not my prefered form of punishment, but she's already tried all the other punishments and they have clearly failed.
Good luck to you and yours.
M.L. answers from Los Angeles on August 15, 2012
You might look into the symptoms of ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
M.M. answers from San Francisco on August 14, 2012
Ohoo u just mentioned my situation but its triple the times ur going thru (I have 6 yr old triplets)...MY #2 triplet is a saint at school and a demon at home...I have been told the same about giving consequence but like you they just wear me out and I cannot be consistent.
I have no advice for you but just a thought maybe he 's seeking more attention from you. My #2 most of the time will do so and well its always easy to get attention by doing something negative...I was told to give him "extra" attention which i most of the time do but it helps only in some cases...