5Th Grader in Love Already?

If his computer is in his bedroom, I suggest putting it a public area of the house. Do that with all your children so he won't feel singled out. We let our oldest have a computer in his room and it got to be sticky, like what you're facing. A public computer helps with that.

Also, you can have parental controls put on his email, can't you? I've done it through both Yahoo and AT&T. Once in a while I get a notice about my 13-year old. Then I can talk with him about it.

Do you have a Facebook account? I wasn't going to get one, but it was my 15-year old's idea. It also helps me keep tabs on them, just a little. One day my 13-year old IM'd me from school when he was supposed to be doing computer work. We talked about that. I can also see who his friends are. I know most of them already, but it does help.

Finally, you and your husband (or just your husband) may need to talk with him about relationships. He probably has learned much of the "mechanics" from school and friends, but the best place to get the real-life human perspective is at home.

Keep the lines of communication open--and I know that's not always easy. My oldest is 26 so I've been doing this for a while. A good place to talk to your son, btw, is in the car, because he doesn't have to look at you. I read this somewhere when my oldest was his age, and it works.

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In LOVE in 5th grade??? What will these children be doing in high school if they start the holding hands and little love notes at 11 years old?

I have boys 15 and 16 and have experienced parents who thought it was "cute" to have their fifth graders "going out" as the parents drove them to the movies. I think we push our children a little to fast to grow up and the internet and cell phones make it easier. The family phone is not longer in the kitchen where parents can monitor conversations and the computer opens up an unprotected world for our children.

I have found to help boys open up and talk, you need to engage them in some activity. Moms are used to sitting and having conversations with friends and family; with boys get them to do something and then engage in conversation....go for a walk, build with Legos, etc.

As for the computer....move it to a central place in the house and since you already told your son that you would be checking emails, be honest and let him know you will be checking and is there anything that he should let you know? Give him the opportunity to tell you first.

Good luck.

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Hi K.,

I have two boys, one of which had an overseas email friend (who was a girl) for about a year before they got tired of it. (No I "hearts" you or anything.) He was in the 9th grade. The frequency of emails was around once a week or so. If the girl had emailed my son anymore than that, he probably would have ignored her because he didn't want it to be serious. He told me that seriousness with a girl was too "distracting". Quite honestly, I'm glad about that - I'd prefer for him to start dating when he's a junior or senior. (Oh, by the way, as an edit, I should add that I read every email they sent to each other, and my son knew it.)

Your son and that little girl are doing some grown-up role playing right now. If I were you, I don't think I would put up with my son getting 6 - 10 emails a day from this little girl for long, because this kind of role playing is for older teens and borders on her being a little obsessive where your son is concerned. There are lots of other things your son needs to be paying attention to right now. There's plenty of time for paying a lot of attention to a girl later.

Would you consider calling the girl's mom to meet for coffee? Ask her when you are face to face if she knows her daughter is emailing so often. Take her copies of the emails to show her if she doesn't believe you. Tell her that you are sure she has a lovely daughter, but this kind of relationship should be for when they are both older. Could she help with that? Tell her you will try to keep your son from emailing so often as well. (Don't tell her that her daughter is obsessing over your son - you don't want to make her defensive.)

Most likely she will try to put the breaks on her daughter. We mothers of boys have to be really careful that our boys don't make stupid mistakes that can land them in the court system. I've not had any problem with that in my families or friends, but you read about it in the paper and hear it on the news. Certainly girls get the bad end of the stick with teen pregancies, but boys can have charges set against them for having sex with a minor. Those charges will stay with them all their lives as a criminal record. Maybe we as parents don't think about this side of it - we just don't want the girls to get pregnant or any of them to catch an STD. But life is more complicated than that, and we really do have to be vigilant. In your case, it doesn't matter that the little girl is doing most of the wooing, K. - if something were to happen, her parents would lay all the blame on your son. That might not be fair (there would be blame on both sides) but that's not the way a girl's parents see things.

The ladies who mention never having a computer in the bedroom are spot on - also make sure you know how to access deleted emails so that you can monitor what he would rather you not read.

If your son is not in adult chaperoned after-school activities, now may be the time to enroll him. After school swim lessons, music or sports he likes would give him some changes in his schedule that would most likely get him thinking about other things. If he has time to be on the computer everyday after school, he has too much free time, even with his homework. Keeping him busy and telling him that he cannot send more than one email per day (or every other day) is probably your best bet.

Good luck, and all my best from another mom with a boy!
D.

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AMEN Becky!!! I totally agree with her on absolutely everything!!
Most important and most immediate thing right now...DON"T PUT COMPUTERS IN BEDROOMS...PUT IT NEXT TO THE T.V. IN THE MAIN FAMILY ROOM!!!!! Otherwise you have just tossed your sweet child and his innocence to the lions!
Let me recommend Dr. James Dobson's book "Bringing Up Boys". It's for conservative Christian parents who want to make Godly and successful young men out of their little boys!

And let this set up your "guard mode" for when your daughter hits this age in a few years. It won't be right to be more strict on her than your son. So be firm with him and she'll know what to expect! And when she asks for a cell phone, or even to just call a boy, remember what you thought of your son's little "girlfriend"! Don't ever let your DD's reputation be harmed by the things you give in to at home.
Proud of you for seeking advice!! Shows you want what's BEST for your kids...not what's COOL for your kids!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi K., well firstly, he's going to feel these feelings whether he's got e-mail or not. I do remember having little boyfriends throughout elementary school, and puppy love is still a form of love and is pretty strong, even for a 5th grader. I have to STRONGLY support, no computers in any kid's room ever until they move out of the house, literally. Needs to be in a high volume location, kitchen, playroom, etc. They never ever should have privacy on a computer (but I think it's a little much to sit over him). He needs to feel constant supervision, but it breeds ill feelings to feel suffocated. I also have to say I'm not sure if he needs an e-mail address at his age. What purpose does he have to have his own personal e-mail address? Why feel as if you have to go behind him? I'm thinking 8th grade maybe for my girls, but that's up for debate. I have limited my kids to a handful of websites that they like. If they need internet resources for school, I am on there. I do need to install the more strict parental controls on the computer, but in 5th grade, he should not have freedom on a computer, it should all be specifically outlined by you. As for a movie, I remember being dropped off for group outings at movies when I was in 5th grade, where a 'boyfriend' might be part of the group, but one on one? No way... maybe when he's 15! LOL Good luck with whatever you decide, this is all hard for us 'growing' parents!

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well first i want to say that you have to be careful these days..would def monitor the email address..and most importantly have a talk with you son..but try to be open minded and discussion type..not all lecturey...

on the other hand i wanted to say that 5th grade was my first true "boyfriend"......it just depends on the maturity of kids these days..I think kids are overly charged with all the sexual and adult content exposed to..but we can not lock our kids in a bubble..that will just makes matters worse..but have to educate

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K.,
I think this is probably just puppy love and I wouldn't take it too seriously just yet. You're his mother and it is probably embarrassing for him to discuss these things with you now that he is moving more towards puberty. My advice is to perhaps let dad or another family male, like an uncle or older cousin, do the talking. It is a little different when it comes from another male and he may feel a little less embarrassed if it comes from them. Also, I would recommend getting a good internet blocking software which just allows him to access just approved sites, and to have a "family" email account that he has to use for email correspondence. I absolutely agree that it's time for the birds and the bees , but you might be surprised at what he already knows (my teaching experience taught me to never underestimate a child's knowledge...lol). Go to the library and browse in the 649 call number section of the shelves. All of the books pertaining to the birds and the bees subject will be in this area. Good luck!

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hes 11! of course hes not going to want you to see what hes doing. he doesnt want mommy looking over him all the time. hate to say it but most kids by 11 know about the birds and bees my husbands brother (15) was already having sex at that age. that may scare you but it happens.. you say you trust him so go with that... trust him then if he gives you a reason not to deal with it then

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K.,
You have gotten so many responses. I hope you don't mind another one. I have 3 boys. One that just started college, one just started middle school and one just started kindergarten. My 17 year old was home schooled throughout, but adjusting nicely in college. He has never dated, nor kissed a girl. Not because he's wierd, but because we have taught that being friends first is paramount to a healthy relationship and it just stuck with him. He also read, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and he has chosen that lifestyle for himself. He currently has an attraction with a young lady and God is so faithful. She has the exact philosophy and was raised the same way! Prayer works. HOWEVER...no two kids are alike and we aren't stupid. My middle school son just started public school last year and he is well aware that he is no where near ready for a real girl friend and it is not allowed. Girls are not allowed to call my house and he does not need nor has a cell phone. We have one computer and his account has strict controls and shuts him out at a certain time. He seems okay with this right now, but we realize this could change. He has a "love interest", but when she "asked him out" he said he was not allowed. We talk about peer pressure and how he sees other kids deal with it. Have you tried asking him about other kids and getting the attention off him?? May be a good place to start. Bottom line...we have spent years making this our lifestyle and expectation. It takes time because you are instilling a value and a virtue. You stated that your son doesn't say much or may not feel comfortable talking with you. Mine doesn't either. When it was time for the sex talk, my husband took a half day just for him. The two went out for breakfast and talked about school and guy stuff. Then they went to the library and found a quiet, secluded spot for "the talk". He opened up to him and told him some struggles - that I still do not know about. I want him to feel free to be connected to dad and I want him to know that I trust that relationship between them. We have been very honest that those feelings are real, but once you open the door to them, it's hard to shut it. Scripture says, "Do not awaken love before its time." I feel so sorry for young people, especially middle schoolers. They want so bad to grow up and feel grown up, but they simply are not capable of the load. I teach middle school girls at church and they feel a lot of pressure from other kids to do and say really shocking things to each other and boys. We are trying to create a safe place for them to be open and honest. The worse part, though, is that a lot of these girls don't want to be that way, but they give in and get our boys caught in the middle of their manipulation. You may have to put a lot of structure around his freedoms, but if you do, remember that you are doing it to create safe boundaries for him and his heart. It is our job as parents to guard their hearts and your emotions are right in line with that. Include him in the decisions to limit access to the computer. Let him know if you plan to put a parental control, or better yet, a recording software on the computer that records every key stroke!! His being secretive is normal, but you cannot allow it "just because". Boys at this age desperately need their dads to be proactive and engaging in their activities and maturing process. I hope he's comfortable with it. Some good books would be "Raising a Modern Day Knight" by Robert Lewis. "Age of Opportunity" by...can't remember his first name...last name is Tripp. His brother wrote a great book called, "Shepherding a Child's Heart." Sorry this is so lengthy. Welcome to puberty!

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I know you already have a ton of responses, but thought I would throw my 2 cents in there too! We have an 11 y/o (my stepdaughter/husbands daughter. She lives with us full time and is in 6th grade. She had her first "boyfriend" last year in 5th grade and was very plain and forthright in telling us this year that her goal was to have a boyfriend before their Halloween dance (and she succeeded) She also is straight A student, generally well-behaved, etc., but as soon as these little relationships started she did change...started being secretive, going in the bathroom and locking the door while on the phone with him, shutting down her email if someone walked in the room. She makes plans and then tells us about them later....for example, made arrangements to meet him at the skatepark to watch him. Didn't ask us....but TOLD us the day before it happened "I need $10 for tomorrow and you need to give me a ride to the skate park." Didn't happen, of course, especially with her attitude. Her comments and attitude have continued, so she lost her laptop and currently has no access to her email. She also is not allowed to put a door between us while on the phone with him. Oh, and as far as bringing up the "birds and the bees"....I can guarantee you he knows a lot more than you might believe, just not in the right context. Even with having talked to her, she still makes vulgar comments and jokes that I wouldn't like to hear from an adult, much less an 11 year old. As I've been told "It's the age. They are striving to break free from being a child and assert some independence." Somehow we have to still do our job as parents, keeping them in control while letting them have an appropriate amount of independence, in the appropriate areas of their life, even if they start to view us more as jailors than parents!

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K.,
I know it seams as though your son is growing up to fast, but you said yourself hes trustworthy have a little faith in your son. he has to grow up and children do it weather we are ready for it or not but his idea of a girlfriend at 11 and our idea of a girlfriend as a adult is totally different.my daughter is 13 and her dad had a cow last year becouse she had a boyfriend I told him really they were just friends he didnt beleave me school got out in the spring he came over 3 maybe 4 times they broke up they are not ready for a real relationship or looking at marrage its basically a crush by time school started both children had moved on still friends but not claiming to be a boyfriend or girlfriend.if your son was 15 then I'd be more concerned but you still need to have the birds and bees talk.

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I would take his computer privileges away. Have a serious talk with him about him being too young to be sending "lovey-dovey" emails, and point out where you see him already misusing or abusing your trust of him (talking about taking her to the movies, when he hasn't discussed it with his parents yet, getting off of the computer when you come in like he's saying/typing something wrong to this girl -- that sort of thing).

You can also get a product called B-Safe Online, which has internet filters and stuff, and is highly recommended for this sort of thing. He could accidentally click on a website that has pornographic pictures on it, or are in other ways inappropriate for a child his age, and once he's done that, it will be impossible to empty his mind of what he's seen.

You may be able to find a middle ground between cutting him completely off, though -- just make it a rule that he has to have you there with him while he's online, until you train him to know his limitations. You wouldn't hand him the keys to your car and let him drive off alone, would you? Neither should you hand him the keys to the computer and let him "drive" on the internet by himself, without any supervision.

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I guess since I have a 6th, 8th, and 11th grader I would just like to say that your son probably knows a lot more than you think he does. The only problem is whether the information is accurate or not! They come up with some wild stuff, so I will strongly incourage you to NOT put off the birds and bees talk with him. The sooner the better so that you know the information he has is correct and you can inject your values in to the conversation. As far as the moving thing goes as a 5th grader. I feel for you. I might go with them and sit elsewhere or in my case, send my 16 year old with him! I think it is young, but you have to do what you feel is right for your son.

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I am not at this stage yet, but my SIL read "How to Talk to your Kids about Sex" by Richard and Linda Eyre and loved it. My SIL and BIL took their daughter out to lunch and had an open conversation about everything. She thinks it went well and her daughter has already come to her a couple of times to ask her questions about things she's heard. I think it's good for the parents to be the one answering the questions before they hear it (wrong) from their friends.

My husband and I have 5 kids between us.. 19,18 boys, 15, 14 and 13 girls. I remember his oldest saying he was in love at 12. 6th grade is usually when it starts. Zac was a little distant in the beginning but his father would talk to him and discuss girls and feelings for girls. The birds and bees did come up in school so he knew a little but I left it up to his dad to fully explain what he maybe going through and how he should handle it. At 13 or 14 this little girl had emailed him and asked him about sex. Beware..girls are much more forward than boys. Keep in conversation as much as you can with him. There is an author named Dennis Rainey host of Family life today of got to www.family life.com. He has good books on raising kids. My husband just read " Interviewing your daughters date".

Good luck.
A.

A little about me:
Mother of 5, Blended family 3 stepkids and 2 girls of my own. Own my own business and in the mortgage business.

K.,
Sounds like things are happening for your son pretty much right on schedule. I trust that the computer is not in his room, but in a public area of the house; VERY important. I encourage you to check the "history" on the computer from time to time. This will tell you where he's searched on the internet, and whether or not he's been in chat rooms, et cetera. Children should never have a computer hooked to the internet in their bedrooms. If he has a cell phone with internet connection, you might want to think twice about that, too. It's not just what our kids have access to on the internet; it's also all the elements beyond our control (and our imagination) that have access to our children. It's an open portal into the house. And though he indeed is growing up, in the grand scheme of things, he's still a baby, just trying to figure out how the world works.
It sounds like you are shepherding him through the process very well.

Best of luck.
C.

Well I know how you feel, I am not ready for my son to grow up either. But he is.. I have just signed my son and husband up for a class at our hospital. It is called Straight Talk for Guys. It talks about growing up and different stuff. Not really ready for my son to hear all that but he is very involved in sports so I know he is hearing stuff from older boys so I would rather him hear it the right way. They also have a class for moms and sons if dad is not up to it. :)

Hey K.,
The best book I've read has been..."Logged On and Tuned Out" by Vicki Courtney. Check Amazon.

Evidently, you didn't lay down clear guidelines with your son before giving him this privilege. That's okay, it's not too late. But, I would definantly suggest "pulling the plug" for a while until you figure out what some clear boundaries are.
For my 11 yo-there is no communication with boys whatsoever. She has given us all user names and passwords and understands that we can & will & do check her stuff at any time. The online world can be very scary if you don't help him navigate it. It's like driving on a major higway, pulling over & putting him in the driver's seat of a car then telling him take me somewhere. You wouldn't do that-no parent would.
Ask him if he has a Myspace...if he says no, go check anyway.

Get the book I mentioned earlier-it explains everything. or go to her website...www.loggedonandtunedout.com
God Bless!

Sounds like the girl is a control freak and maybe he would even like to cut ties with her but doesn't know how...once he gets out of this relationship, he may be leary to get into another one.
Also, you might want to see what he is "searching" on the internet...it may be more than emailing his girlfriend. It's unfortunate that you can "google" anything these days. One of my daughter's friend told her that if you just google someone's name that they will come up on your computer....I had to tell you that you just can't google anything or you might get more than you bargained for....most of it being inappropriate for her age/eyes.

I have an 11 yr old girl so I'm kinda of in the same boat.
She is in the 6th grade which is considered "middle school" where she is....just get ready because all of the sudden kids go from innocent to knowing every cuss word in the book and using them to try to look cool! My daughter and I are shocked at the metamorphosis her classmates have gone through just in the 2 1/2 months since school started! She is now trying to convince her classmates that they don't have to cuss to be cool!
She too had a boy she "dated" for several months in 5th grade but that consisted of seeing each other at lunch time in the cafe. She decided that he was very controlling of her so she "broke up" with him before Spring and hasn't tied herself down to anyone else since.
She does not have email access and didn't have a phone at that time--she has a phone now but can only call family and girl friends or the phone will be taken away.
I tell her that she is "not allowed" to have a steady boyfriend and to "blame it on her parents not allowing it" if the boys give her a hard time.
I tell her that she shouldn't tie herself to "one" boy for the next 10 years of her life because then if another comes along that she likes then she can't act interested in them if she is tied to one.
I talk to her all the time about the qualities a male should have before she should even consider "dating them". They are: Christian and Attend church, have Christian parents, kind, considerate, honesty, integrity, not controlling, not insultive, respectful of adults/authority and their peers, respectful of others property, do not use bad words or ugly language, funny, witty, hard working, performs good deeds because it's the right thing to do (not for the recognition), stands up for others when a situation arises, etc, etc.

I tell her that God has someone picked out for her that is way better than anyone she could pick for herself and that that boy's parents are grooming him to be a the wonderful Christian mate that he needs to be to make a good marriage partner. I told her that she may not even know him right now and to just see what happens as her life unfolds.

Maybe if you tell him that since he is approaching that age of "dating" that there are certain things he needs to know in order to be a good boyfriend to in turn get a good girlfriend and maybe if he knows the girls are being taught too then he will be receptive to talking with you.
I always use myself or someone I know as examples of whatever I am trying to teach to my daughter. We all learn from the good judgements and mistakes we or others have made over the years.
It's really important for you to try to gain an open relationship with him now if you can. Just be honest and say "okay, here's the deal....." and have that talk. Let him know that he can come to you about anything and that you are a "girl" and can possibly give him insight into a "girls" way of thinking.
Good luck!

K.,
it sounds like you are raising your kids right. I would bet he is not trying to be sneaky, but maybe is just embarrassed. Maybe he wanted to make sure this girl likes him back and could/would go on a "date" before he asked.
Good luck. (sorry i do not know of any books)
D.

You're wise to question what is going on! A lot of good advice and books to read, actions to take. Take them SOON.
I'm shocked that nobody has done the "birds and bees" talk with a boy who is 11 years old. That's very sad with the exposure you have given him via the internet, very risky indeed.
Be aware that kids ARE having SEX at his age, even though they technically don't understand it, and are not mature enough to deal with the outcome of their actions. Many think that oral and anal sex "is okay". The little girl that is pursuing him might be a little more savvy than your son, and I don't know if I'd approach her parents or not. It might not turn out like you would like -- they might not have any problem with her "having boyfriends" and might even be encouraging it!!
Pull the reigns in, make sure he does little boy things while he is still a little boy. Put safeguards in place, get him sex-savvy real quick, and if necessary pull the computer privileges. I agree with getting him involved in whatever activities he would enjoy, whether it's marshall arts, swimming, chess club, drama, basketball, etc.

And IMHO too many parents of boys don't feel as threatened by this as parents of girls, and remember guys need to take responsibility at least as much as the girls in their sexual activities. Don't take the risk that in a couple or so years, you'll have a little girl at your door with your son's baby in her arms. I have relatives that went through that and their son was only 15 years old!! (He'd been told that if he "pulled out" that the girl couldn't get pregnant, and confessed that he was "extra careful" even when they had anal sex!) AND after talking with the son, the parents found out that this little gal was his 4th sex partner in less than a year!
Not trying to scare you, but make you smarter as parents. The kids will survive you policing their activities, being vigilant and not caving in to their whims. They will hopefully survive to carry those traditions on to THEIR kids in a decade or two!! LOL

that's when it happens - with a seventh grade girl and 2 boys through this stage - I can tell you MOST of the boys will participate in this but since they are not as mature as the girls at this age - they really are very scared inside and don't really know what to do with the whole going out thing. At least for a few more years -
I would definately have the birds and bees talk with him over and over - since it is a very complicated talk - maybe Dad should do this to keep him open - while they are doing an activity together - he will be more likely to open up. I am sorry your kids are growing up because I Am also sorry mine are as well. I just would love to keep them around forever and the more I do that - the faster they will want to flee.
thinking of you
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