5 Yr. Old Not Listening

D., my 5 yo is the same way. We homeschool her and her sister and she hits and throws toys too. We make her apologize and give her time outs. She is very remorseful. I think it is a phase. Be consistent and I think they will grow out of it.
H.

Oh my, 2 reccommendations for "To Train up a Child" (or, as I like to call it, "To Beat up a Child") in one thread...that's a book I certainly would not reccommend! One person reccommending the book bases part of her reccommendation on that she has "only" spanked her 2 year old 10 times. I guess for most households that's pretty good...but I've got 4 kids, and between all 4 of them I probably have not spanked 10 times. And yet I'm still regularly complimented on their behavior and compassion towards others. I'd much more strongly reccommend "Raising Great Kids" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend or "Making Kids Mind Without Loosing Yours" by Kevin Leman.

It sounds to me like the consequences that are being used for your son's misbehavior aren't really very related to the behavior, and thus could lack effectiveness. Can your son even read? If not, I don't see how writing sentences is helpful. My kindergarten son can read, but neither of my daughters could when they were in kindergarten. Even if he can read though...not really related.

When we've had problems with our boys not sitting still in their chairs, we take the chairs away and make them stand. There was actually one study done where children were allowed to decide to sit in their desk chair in school or stand at their desk, and most of the boys chose to stand and their grades improved when they were allowed to stand.

When he treats a toy incorrectly--whether he hurts someone or not, or whether it is "in anger" or not, it should be taken away from him IMMEDIATELY with a brief explaination "I can see that you aren't able to play with that today. Swinging that toy around like that could hit someone and hurt them." It will only be through consistent reinforcement that your son will learn. If he is allowed to spin in circles while holding a toy at arms length and you don't say anything about it until he hits someone with the toy, what you have taught him is that it is okay to spin in circles with a toy--just don't hit anyone. So he will judge--in his immature 5 year old mind--that he is able to be "careful" and not hit anyone...even when there are other kids 3 feet away from him.

Here are some websites that I thought you might find interesting: http://www.chewymom.com/?p=1074 (about parenting and instant gratification) http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/notrain.htm (about "To Train Up a Child")

Hi D.,

My boyfriends daughter was doing the same things. For her I think it's an expression issue. She doesn't know how to express herself so that's what she does. Anyway, I bought the book 1-2-3 Magic. I had heard about the book before and boy did it do wonders. Where she used to spend entire weekends in the corner or having everything taken away all we have to do is count. Very rarely do we even get up to 3. (all explained in the book) I'd either buy the book or go the library and get it.
All you have to do is count your child when they do something wrong. You don't argue with them, you just count. And when you get to 3 they go to time out. Sometimes we used taking something away because that has a tendency to work better for us. I also did this with a co-workers kids that I was babysitting. I sat them down, and explained to them that if you are doing something wrong I'm going to count. When I get to three you go in time out. When their parents came and got them the next morning they couldn't believe it. The kids listened, and got ready without any problems.

At this age, it is still about awareness. Making him aware of the bad behaviors and teaching him the good behaviors. Give him a time out for 5 minutes EVERY time that he does something against the rules. Then, give him rewards for good behavior. We have some issues with our oldest son being too "silly" in school and it is disruptive. We go week by week. Everyday, if he didn't misbehave (you have to involve the teacher in this) he gets a sticker on a chart. When he gets to say 5, take him somewhere special..like McDonald's or whatever. It has to be HIS accomplishment to work properly.

The one sentence that stuck out is "He doesn't do things on purpose." The truth is he DOES. He is old enough to know what is right & wrong w/ some guidance or reminding. And he needs to take on ownership of what he does. I use to make my daughter say she was in time out or whatever b/c "I" didn't follow the rules or "I" hit someone. And then I'd ask her why she's not suppose to do that (it hurts people when you hit them & makes them sad.) And then I'd ask her if there was a reason why she did that. Now she is 13 & has no problem taking responsiblity for what she does or apologizing. Young children act out b/c they are frustrated, stressed, or can't communicate how they are feeling. Kindergarten is a new experience. From your personal description, it looks like you have a lot on your plate. He might just be overwhelmed w/ everything that is going on & doesn't know how to tell you. My daughter said "When I grow up & be a mommy, I'm gonna stay home, so my kids won't have to be alone & be sad." She was in 5th grade. Within 6 months I quit my job to stay home. I thought she was too big to need me & in a round about way she let me know she wasn't. Not saying you need to quit your job, just showing that they will sometimes let you know what they need indirectly.

Try a behavior chart and work out a reward system. If you are getting notes from school every 2-3 days, start there. If he can go to school for 3 consecutive days without getting a bad report, then he gets a special reward, such as a trip to McDonalds, a visit to the local library to get a book or two, the chance out pick a movie and have a fun night with the family. What would be a good motivator for him? It may be more time with the family, a special outing or a little toy. Keep it simple and inexpensive. When he meets this goal of three days, then go to 4 or 5. You may be surprised to find out the control that he has over his actions when there is a reward out there. Explain this process to him and let him choose the reward. (The reward may change each time)It may not be easy to get it the first time, but I'm sure that once he is rewarded, he will be anxious to do it again. Stick with it - don't reward unless he has truly earned it. If there are specific behaviors that you want to target, he could collect smiley faces for each and then after he gets a certain number of smiley faces, he gets his reward. For example, he would get a smiley face for each day he does not hit someone and a smiley face for each day he stays in his seat.
My 5 year old son is obsessed with Webkinz. He was always begging for them wherever we went. But he was demonstrating behaviors that were not acceptable to my husband and me. So now he has to earn Webkinz by getting ready in the morning without fighting with us, eating a good dinner, washing and dressing himself everyday and listening to us. He has to earn 30 smiley faces before he earns a reward. Each week, we only focus on three behaviors and at the beginning, he only had to earn 15 smiley faces(to put that reward within reach). Behavior has improved because that reward is always on his mind. You can manage this with a sticker chart or make your own on the computer with a spreadsheet. Good luck - hope this helps!

You said "he does not think anything will happen." That is the problem right there, you need to get very active in making sure something DOES happen. I am sure he does these things at home too so it is your responsiblity to punish him. We are dealing with children here, they need to have boundries set for them and they need to be enforced. I was spanked as a child and learned what authority was at an early age. As a teenager I was afraid to cross that line because I knew there would be consequences. Start young and you will have a lot less trouble when they are older. Yeah, they may yell at you or tell you they don't like you, but guess what, they love you!

Are you sure that your son isn't the victim? Sometimes teachers will blame only the child they see do something, and not ask them what had happened, and even if they do the child may be too afraid to say. My son had gotten in a lot of trouble in school from kids hitting him, and then when he struck back, he would be the one seen, because he was not being sneaky about it like the other kids. Ask him what happened and see what he says. If it is the other kids starting it, he will loose respect for his teachers and you if he's getting punished for it. The public school system is messed up. If he keeps having problems maybe you would like to try cyber school. It's easy to do, and fun. www.k12.com Good luck.

I am a mother to a 6 1/2 year old boy, a 3 three year old boy and a 4 month old baby girl. My 6 1/2 year old is just growing out of this phase because of our new discipline practices and his age (maturity). I am a school teacher who is staying home with my children and my boys are both very strong willed. It is a phase, but a very hard one to go through. My husband and I started off by watching SuperNanny on Wed. nights and then we purchased a book "Setting Limits with your Strong WIlled Child" by Robert MacKenzie. It is a great book with a lot of examples in it on how to handle and exactly what to say in situations. I stongly suggest for you and your husband to read it. It is very upsetting to watch your child go through this because I am sure he is a great kid and he is just doing what all kids do--TEST and see how far they can go and how much attention they can get. Bad attention is even good to them, they know no difference. I hope this helps and this phase too shall pass.Stay strong, firm and constistant with your discipline. Good Luck!!