5 Year Old with Low Self Esteem

How is her sleep? Her eating? Is she playing normally? Any changes in the family routine? If this is a new development, I would feel some concern--has she always been a perfectionist? What happens if you ask her to tell you three good things about herself? Can she remember positive events from each day? I would try to find out more, try to stay calm and collected when you talk to her about this, but it sounds like it could be problematic if there are no clear precipitating factors that you can find.

I'm a mom and have been a preschool teacher/director for over 25 years.

K.

Is she about to start kindergarten? If you say she is almost 5, she is young enough to benefit from another year of preschool or a young 5's class. It would probably help her if she is one of the older ones in her class. With an extra year to mature she will have more confidence. I teach kindergarten and I have never heard a parent regret their decision of giving their child an extra year of preschool.

Just out of curiosity...do you have any problems with self esteem/depression? I am asking because I do and am worried about how this might effect my sons self esteem. I have read a lot that many children with low self esteem and/or that talk down on themselves pick up these habits from their parents with the same issues. Even if we don't stand around saying "I hate myself" we send out clues when we do things like not doing anything for ourselves, making "no big deal comments" about ourselves, showing jealousy... Loving ones self is just as much a learned behavior as is anything else...
just my thoughts, thanks :)

Hi J.,

Since your husband stays home full time and you work you should probably be asking him this question. You do not deal with you daughter as much as he does. If he is doesn't know....then your daughter is most likely very lonely.

Not trying to be negative, but you say she is dramatic and you think she is being manipulative. She is only 4 years old. Maybe you and your husband should rethink your roles.

Just trying to help,
Patti B.

Next time she makes a self-effacing comment, rather than reacting, just curiously, openly ask her, "Why do you think you are ....?" Afterward you can debunk her misconceptions.

If she is just saying it for a reaction, your non-reaction will be a pattern interrupt that may stop the self-effacement over time. I would also look at what she's paying attention to in the media and the magazines.

With my girls I am always careful what things I say about myself in front of them since role-modeling is so powerful. My mother would say how beautiful and smart I was then would turn around and berate herself. Ultimately I suffered from low self esteem and depression by modeling her.

It could even be something seemingly meaningless that she has put a lot of meaning into. Like my daughter's pregnant stepmother asked her when her baby was due when she was younger and was about to go through a growth spurt so therefore had a little belly. This led my daughter to be concerned about her weight and looks for a number of years! (I was furious at her stepmother!) Just one little comment, made a LOT of difference.

A counselor is not a bad idea depending on what answers you get, but I would be careful not to jump too quickly to depression. Hopefully it is just a phase and will soon be worked out.

You just have to counter it with you are beautiful,smart and loved everyday.Point out to her all the good things she does at home or in school. I would say it has to be coming from mean kids at school. Does she have cousins who might be telling her this? This is sometimes the case when they lose attention to another family member.

J.,

when I was ini 3rd grade that was me for no apparent reason. My parents had me write on a nightly basis at least three things that I liked about myself. yeah I thought it was lame, but it helped. Self esteem is a tough issue and peat and repeat and if she writes it down it will get threw her head at some point... hope this helps you!

take care,

J. b

Hi J.,
I would say get her attention outward by having her do hobbies (or adopt one that she might like). Being a kid is a trying time and she needs to be pulled out of her head and doing things handles that. Try it, hope it works.

Hi J.,

Your home life sounds like a nurturing one, so try to breathe deeply and not worry. It sounds to me like your daughter is experimenting with the power of words, and fine-tuning her formula. My own daughter (who is now a monument to self-esteem!) tortured me by saying, "I hate myself" apropos of nothing at that age. Ugh.

I think you've hit on the key when you say, "I have a pretty strong reaction when she starts talking like this." You could try responding with, "That's not true, you're the smartest (prettiest, sweetest) girl I know." Then give her a quick hug, and turn around and go back to what you were doing.

Unless there really is a problem, she'll bore of the whole thing soon enough. If it doesn't pass, try to listen in on a few playdates. Friends are so often the source of this stuff...

Hang in there!

hi J.,

i can tell you know this but do try to be more even emotionally or just the charge in your reaction can add to the drama of the thing for her and make it more enticing to keep it up (unconsciously). remember we are in these human bodies to learn lessons and perhaps she wants to learn about self-esteem or beauty in this life. the american girl catelog has some truly brilliant books for girls about everything. i highly suggest them,especially the feelings book, only 8.95. go this website and go to the books on self, etc (http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/static/books.jsf/uni...)

i am glad you truly attend to your daughter and help her find tools to deal with her feelings. thank you and blessings,

A. m

Dear J.,
I went through this with my daughter too.
She was completely adorable. Extremely intelligent. Very well liked by her friends and peers. But she was certain she was a terrible piece of junk. We lived in a beautiful home, she was involved in sports and school plays. But she was convinced that she was icky and couldn't measure up. Part of it stemmed from the fact that she was the youngest in her class and very tiny. She is 22 and still very tiny. They used to call her Mighty Mouse and she hated it, but I tried telling her that was not a bad thing. Obviously they got that she is mighty.
She also loved the show on Nickelodeon, "The Secret Life of Alex Mack." She SO wanted to be her. But alas, she was just her own little self and that was okay. I think kids often compare themselves to other children or what they have or get to do. But the key is letting your daughter realize how beautiful she is for her individuality. Surely there are things she does that set her apart and that is what life is all about. Being your own individual. She seems to be feeling, for whatever reason, that she doesn't measure up. But you need to find out who she is measuring herself by. For instance, Alex Mack wasn't a real girl. That show was not about her real life. Her real life was about working and pretending to be someone else and she had real parents or brothers or sisters to come home to everyday.
I also noticed with my son that when he gets caught not doing his chores or something, he will say, "I'm stupid!"
I just say, "No you arent and knock it off. You are not stupid because you didn't feed your pets, you just chose not to do it and you will do it now. End of problem.

You're daughter will be fine. It just sounds to me like even if no one else is doing it, she is trying to compare herself to other people and all that gets you is a bunch of heartache. She can work on being the best little girl she can be and have confidence that life is not a contest.

Best blessings and wishes!

Ask her "why?"

This allows you to draw out the her thoughts and feelings without leading her in any particular direction.

When she gives you an answer, don't judge the comment. Just let her get everything out and leave it at that. Then work in different ways to have her see things differently.

Kids know you "have to" enourage them because you're their parent so, to a degree, they blow you off. I let them know what others say about them. "Your teacher/the lady at the store/etc. says you are really smart/well behaved/etc" so my girls know that the compliments are true and real and come from people that don't "have to" say nice things.

In addition to this site, I also think that you might get some really helpful advice by posting this same post to the Berkeley Parents Network. They have a great mix of professionals and nonprofessionals who contribute actively to that site. Email me at ____@____.com if you don't know about them or would like some support on becoming a member.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry you are worried about your little one. We ache when we think they aren't happy. You have received some good advice so far and I won't repeat what other people have said already.

I think one of the most important ways kids develop self esteem is to see it modeled in their home. Try to be conscious of any remarks you make about yourself (ie. these jeans make me look fat, or upon making a mistake: I'm so stupid). Sometimes we set an example that we don't mean to.

Also, a friend of mine just reminded me that it is better to praise effort or process rather than accomplishment. If we praise the outcome then self-esteem becomes attached to winning or producing an excellent product. If we praise effort or process (ie, giving praise for not giving up on a hard activity, praising a new or different way of doing something) kids learn to be confident about trying new things. They are less afraid to make a mistake.

Good luck. It sounds like you are doing a fine job of parenting. We never run out things to worry about do we?

-C.

My daughter, age 6, has done this lately as well. She is my youngest child and I haven't given it too much thought. I reassure her that she's smart, pretty, etc. Like one of the other responders my daughter is having trouble in school - not doing as well as the rest of the class. Not sure if this is related but we are addressing her difficulties with learning as well.

Before you rush your daughter to a psychiatrist I'd take her to her doctor and I think you'll find that her behavior is normal.

Run, don't walk to a child psychologist or psychiatrist! Depression can hit at any age (my son was 8). The earlier you treat it the better. Also, check out the kids at school. They may be feeding this depression by not bullying but shunning her- just as bad. Good luck and act quickly!!!

YES, it can affect her this young. Remember, it's a physiological problem, which is why she can be affected.

Obtain the book Healing Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Daniel G. Amen and Dr. Lisa C. Routh. There is tons of information there that will help your daughter. I am using it for my daughter. I have anxiety and depression issues, and the techniques in that book I use, and I am also using on my five year old daughter who is displaying anxiety type behaviors. I had to do so today in fact!

Here is a link so you'll know what the book looks like. There is also an audio cd. http://amenclinics.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_...

I would ask her why she thinks she is bad, ugly, etc. There is some thinking on her part about this so maybe researching a little on why she feels like that may help to understand what is going on.

J.,

Hi,

I would call the school psychologist and ask them to speak with your daughter. It could be a stage or it could be symptoms of depression. Get it checked out. Also, if she isn't involved in activities- get her into something she enjoys- ballet, karate etc. Those things always boost self-esteem.

Good luck!

M.

I would try to figure out why she thinks these things. What's ugly about you? Figure out the origin. My daughter says she's stupid if she doesn't do well on a test, which rarely happens. That is with NO pressure from me about grades or school in general. I couldn't care less. I finally got out of her, "Well I'm one of the smartest kids in the class, I'm supposed to be an example." If one of the smartest kids had trouble with it, I bet others did too. So we had a big talk about it. It's a rough one. Good luck, C.