5 Year Old Refuses to Poop in the Potty Despite Efforts made...HELP PLEASE!

I have an 8 year old who has similar issues and it is still a struggle. What has helped her is establishing a "schedule." We started off giving miralax at night and then she relaxes on the potty after breakfast. That has become her routine and we started it when she was 4. Allow him 10-15 to relax and it is very important to make sure he is getting what he needs so it won't hurt. The book Overcoming Bladder and Bowel Problems in Children by D. Preston Smith was also very helpful. I understand your frustration with the problem, I've been there. But getting angry with him only makes him feel like more of a failure. Sit down, have an honest talk with him about how you are frustrated and you know he is frustrated too and you want to come up with a plan to help him. Take a team approach and reward for success, don't punish for failures.

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I am sorry you are going through this, but let me tell you I have been there! My now 10 year old son has constipation and pooping issues. What we did that was the turning point for us when he was 5 was introduce "The Potty Fairy"! Nothing was working, (Now we didn't punish because I knew it was an issue that was psychological that he didn't have control over yet.) Daycare was having issues with a soon to be 6 year old not being potty trained.

Basically to get it started, we waited until he was able to successfully poop one evening and then The Potty Fairy rang the doorbell! We had told him ahead of time that if he made a successful poo (telling us he had to go rather than going in his pullup/underwear), then he would get a visit from The Potty Fairy.

So when the doorbell rang, he knew it was the Potty Fairy.. We clean him up and then let him go to the door. Upon opening there was a small little toy gift. Each time he pooped, the Potty Fairy would come. She even came on vacation at our hotel. Sometimes she brought little toys and sometimes she brought a piece of candy and sometimes she brought a little plate of cookies. (Basically whatever I had on hand that would be a reward,) We did this for about a year. The when little brother was 3 and potty training it worked on him too!

Now my son still has constipation poo issues, but mostly related to his feeding problems. But we don't have the refusals to sit on the pot anymore. He will ask for a "Toilet Sit" at night with his Gameboy. This helps him relax and go. It is pleasant for him and he consistantly goes poo pretty much each day.

Now they both know that Mommy or Daddy was the Potty Fairy, but talk about "her" with fond memories!

Good luck!

K.

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you have to solve the constipation issue before the other problem will go away. I understand where you are coming from--my daughter (who is almost 4) had major constipation issues since the day I brought her home from the hospital. We saw a pediatric gastro doc for 2 years. We did miralax for over a year and suppositories as needed. We tried adding extra fiber. My poor daughter was miserable and would writhe and cry in pain after every BM. She would hold it in fear for up to a week and literally make herself sick and come down with a 105 fever and have to go to the ER.

What finally helped her and still works was eliminating almost all dairy and chocolate. And adding a probiotic daily. She still has firm stools, but they are manageable and the probiotic keeps her regular. Send me a message if you have any questions, but I honestly feel that you have to get to the bottom of the constipation issues before you will get results with him pooping in the toilet.

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First, by punishing him about poop, you are making the problem bigger. You need to *stop* punishing him. In his head, poop is now something that results in being spanked, or losing privileges, or being a baby. In addition, because of his constipation, he already has physical pain when he goes to the bathroom anyway! What he needs is for you to be rational, calm, and adult. Do not threaten him. Instead, you need to invest in Fiber One, and start buying their products. Work fiber into his meals. Have him drink more water (this is the number one cause of constipation). As he starts to realize that pooping does not result in pain (from the constipation) and punishment (from you), it will be easier for him to go to the bathroom in the toilet. My daughter is almost nine and has struggled with constipation her whole life. Of course pooping became a big deal in her life - because it hurt to do it, so she didn't want to. But, we were patient and calm and celebrated with her every time she pooped - never punished. Now, she is much more willing to go, and her bowels are only just now starting to be more what I would consider normal.

So, while I agree with the other posters that the constipation should be dealt with first for your son, I think it is *your* reaction to it that is causing most of the problem. Once you have changed your attitude and helped your son with his medical condition, then his behavior can change.

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You might want to have him tested for food sensitivities. I was constipated but no one figured out till adulthood that I was unable to process wheat glutens and hit and miss about milk digestion, too. I think if you can stop treating the symptoms and figure out the cause of his constipation, you can probably make more headway with successful training.

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Hi A., do not punish your child. We as parents want respect not fear from our children. He may see that pooping is a way of punishment all ready. Try an opposite approach. Why don't you sit with him while he poops? Talk to him assure him that we all do this and is normal routine. Explain the importance of pooping. Try all this that I just mentioned and I hope it helps. It may take sometime for him to feel comfortable.

Good luck,
E. M

If it is not too late to respond...Your son should have a BM after every meal. Please make an appointment with your child's pediatrician immediately to discuss this problem. If your pediatrician is not listening to your concerns, then it is time to switch. This problem has gone on too long. It is not healthy to be constipated. Think of all the toxins building up inside your son's body. Your son should have annual physical exams and this should have been discussed several years ago. I still help my 6 YO and my 5 YO wipe thier bottom. When they attempt to wipe it on their own, it is usually not thorough enough and their bottom just turns red from irritation. You must change your approach to your son's problem immediately. You are only making it worse. Spanking him and emotionally torturing him are obviously not working. Tell your son that you love him and you are going to help him work through this. Give him lots of praise and hugs. God Bless.

I don't have good answers for you, but I agree that solving the constipation problem might help. Canned mandarin oranges helped my kids when they were constipated. Since it was not an ongoing problem, I may not be able to give good advice.
Is there any way to make it more relaxing? I had my kids sitting on the potty when they were distracted, like bringing the potty to the living room to sit on while he was watching a movie. My son didn't think about it, all of a sudden it was done. Then it became less of a "deal".
It sounds like you are SO frustrated, so mostly I wanted to let you know I feel for you.

I think you all need to go speak to your sons pediatrician and possibly a specialist or a child psychologist.

Good luck!

Have you been to a gastro specialist? Our neighbor's boy has constant issues. For him he has an issue with part of his elimination tract being a bit too long, so it takes longer for things to leave, and so things harden, etc. Its a never ending cycle.

Just a thought.
M.

Try and make the potty a really fun place to be--they are little and dont understand punishment--it is wise not to upset him because he has already had problems that are beyond his control..If you have to spend an hour in the morning with him in there, use your time wisely..Have him take a bath and make it warm water and while he is in there..rub his belly and push a littleon the the lower intestine--then, while he is in the tub, tell him what youa re going to do all day but that he needs to use the potty before he does anything else--then, get him out, have him brush his teeth and sing a song --just make one up about going poopoo in the potty...and then dance a little...make it more fun than anything all day and he will look forward to being in there..You can do it!!!

I agree with what other have been saying because the doctor told me the same for my daughter.

I don't think that punishing him is going about it the right way though. He obviously has some bowel problems and punishing him is just probably making him feel worse. You need to have a little more patience and teach him that going to the bathroom is good and not a punishment. Children don't quite get cause and consequences yet. They may understand a little, but if its painful for him to poo, then which do you think he rather have. The punishment or the pain from pooing.

It sounds like some moms gave some really good advice to help you, just please quit punishing. You may be causing more damage.

I have not had any experience with miralax. But my grandson has constipation issues. What we have done with him is right after school he has a big glass of cherry juice. it has to be 100% pure cherry juice. He also takes 2 tablespoons of mineral oil. It is clear and has no taste but it is oil so be prepared for gag reflex. it might happen lol. but doesn't with my son or grandson. for a couple days give it to him every day. till his body is cleaned out. then ever other day. but still the juice every day. also for snacks only fruit and veggie stuff. not cheese or breads or stuff to plug him up. (no brat diet lol. so no banana's applesauce, rice or breads those are all binding) don't do this before school because sometimes he will go right away. other times it will take longer. but be prepared when he has to go it will literally slide out fast. punishing him won't help. But making him sit for as long as it takes will. i used to sit on the edge of the tub next to my grandson and he read a book, sang songs, played with race cars whatever. but he had to go at least every other day. no skipping just cause he was having a fit. he will eventually a hve his body trained to go.

While my son never had any real problems with constipation, he hated going poop on the pot. He peed just fine, but he would poop his pants and hide his underwear. I tried all the stuff you have and nothing worked. I had told him that when he went to school, the other kids would smell him and know he had pooped in his pants and make fun of him.
We were riding the the car one day with a friend of his, and his friend said "I smell POOP!'. That cured him. He has to decide he wants to.

If he has a special toy or handheld video game that he likes a lot, then I would try letting him ONLY use it when he is sitting on the potty. This will help him to relax and give him an incentive to want to sit there (since he won't get to play with the toy otherwise). At his age, I would talk to his pediatrician again about this issue. If he is still having constipation issues, then they may want to refer you to a GI doc or something to be sure there isn't something else going on. My daughter struggled a lot with pooping on the potty, but she eventually got the hang of it. It was such a frustrating time for all of us, so I hope you can find a solution for your own sanity!

Oh, and I had to change gears like you did and go from punishment to reward. I didn't stop the "punishment" per se....I still made her clean up her underwear and herself, but I was very matter of fact about it. There was no drama, that was just a consequence of her decision not to go on the potty. Once she got herself cleaned up, we moved on with her day....no guilting, no discussion. She knew it was wrong, so we stopped harping on it. In addition to that, we upped the ante a little on the rewards. If I could just get her to do it ONE time, I told her I would take her to the movie store to rent a movie (she had never done that before) and to the ice cream store to get ice cream. It took a few days and lots of reminders about the reward, but when she did it, we went! Once she understood that there was a reward, we made a chart and she had to do it more than once to get a reward. I would take her to the Dollar Store and let her pick out a toy (it's only $1, but she loved that she got to pick!). Try giving him the control over the situation and his decisions and see if that helps. They are all about control at this age! Again, I would just talk to his pediatrician to be sure there isn't something more going on and to see if they have any other suggestions for how to handle it at this age.

Good luck to you! I know how super frustrating this can be.

We are dealing with constipation with our 6 year old daughter right now. It may not be his fault anymore. Please stop being so hard on him. From expericence, I know that doesn't help. With a history of constipation comes a fear of going because it will hurt. My daughter got to the point to where she stretched out her colon a lot and lost the sensation that she even needed to poop. She would have little smears or worse in her pants. It's little amounts of stool escaping around the mass inside. This is called encopresis. It may be worthwhile to have him checked out by a gastroenterologist because there can be underlying causes to this. Our gastroenterologist directed us to soilingsolutions.com as well as a psychologist here in Austin whose specialty is constipation. He needs to be drinking lots of water and probiotics can even help keep the stool at a regular consistency. This is such a tough issue! Please let me know if I can help!

Wow. This is too weird. I thought my grandson was the only kid in the world with this problem. He pooped his pants until earlier this year (he is 6 now, will be 7 in August). He never really had constipation problems, he just refused to go to the bathroom. He would go outside when he was too "full" and poop himself. My daughter tried the grounding him, yelling, making him clean up himself, nothing would work. Finially, I started asking him everyday after school if he had to poop, he says yes, so I go into the bathroom with him, sit in there while he does it, and to this day, I still clean him. He was so happy, we high-five everytime he goes poop. I explained to him that it is not hard, if what he needs is for me to sit with him, I will, just tell me. So, now, EVERYTIME he needs to go potty, he calls for me. My advise, be patient, and if you have to sit there with him, do so. It really makes a huge difference. Good luck to you!

Hello A.,

I have had no personal experience with constipation this severe but I agree with the majority of the moms" response that there is a problem there, I do not think he just does not want to poop, I think it is very hard for him to do and as kids, the easiest way is to just hold it in.He doesnot yet understand the consequences like we do as adults. So I want you to take to heart the suggestions to have him see a specialist, he might have some food sensitivities, it might be something else totally but at least professional help will not hurt.
However, you might want to try positive reinforcements, that is give him rewards whenever he "makes the attempt" to use the potty. Obviously, the negative reinforcement tactic is not working for you, so reverse the psychology. Goodluck with getting to the bottom of this, no pun intended!

This is a blog post excerpt by a family therapist on potty training. More details can be found at this link:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/09/22/...
There will be a stage that your little one does great, followed by a time where he won’t sit on the toilet even with your best bribe. Remember that coercing a toddler to do something they don’t want to do (including potty training) results in a power-struggle, and this is one struggle I do not recommend entering. Research shows that a coercive approach over a laize-fairre approach does not speed up the process of potty training. A child with the most defiant attitude towards toilet training can literally change his mind in a day.

Please do not punish him. Fix the constipation issues. Have you ruled out allergies or GI problems? What about his diet? Does he drink adequate water?

Your son probably has lost the ability to know when he needs to use the restroom and may need to retrain his bowels by having set times during the day where he sits on the potty.

Be positive and if he has an accident do not make a big deal out of it. Help him get clean and life goes on. What helped with my son is that I told him to tell me when he needed to go and I stopped interfering. He decided when he needed to go. At first he had accidents, but when he noticed mom was not angry or upset over him pooping in his pants, he decided for himself that he wanted to go. We also used positive incentives such as a stickers or a small piece of candy for all successes in the potty and then slowly tapered off the rewards.

Good luck to you.

Hi there! My husband and I totally understand your frustration. Our 11 yr old daughter had the same problems, at that age. We were often frustrated because our beautiful little girl had no 'real' concern, it seemed about the odor that followed her from trying to hold poop until she would nearly explode. What we discovered was that she had a fear of toilets. She didn't like how noisy they were and they seemed like a monster eating away and swallowing things and probably could swallow her. So, oftentimes I would have to sit through the smell and stay in the bathroom with her or help her clean out her underwear if there was a "smudge". She was our "special medical child with the story" attached. When she was born she had an imperforated anus, which means that her rectum or hole was not fully open. So, she had to have a colostomy at 6 months of age and wore a bag until about a yr and half. My husband and I told that story for years at special times with the family and expressed how we loved her so much and how awful it was for us to see her taken away into surgery... well, we were being sentimental but we learned that she despised the story because it made her "different" (we later found out at a psychology appt - we were referred to a dr who dealt with fears and paranoia with children). So, after a few short months with the dr. and understanding her sensitivity to her "story", as well as the fear of the toilet, we began to encourage her and even pray with her sometimes. We also shared with her our own, personal stories of fear and concern from our childhood. We created a chart of her progress. On days where she had no smudges, we would celebrate her (discreetly; from her siblings). We would give 'high 5's and hugs and other "little" toy treats as encouraged by the dr. Then, before the end of that year her accidents were charted few to none. We were so proud of her and now she's a thriving little lady who is nearing her "change" (and boy, we were so concerned about this stage) but she is doing well... very well. So, hang in there... this, too, shall pass :-)

Most importantly you need to stop spanking and otherwise punishing your child for having accidents!!! No wonder he's having trouble. You are humiliating him. You definitely need to switch tactics to encouragement and rewards. There are lots of good suggestions in the posts. Be patient and encouraging and then reward successes. I completely agree with Sarah P's post. I don't know what his diet is like, but he needs to be eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, lots of water, and perhaps a probiotic supplement to deal with the constipation. What you eat has everything to do with constipation. More importantly, though, you need to have compassion and help your son in a positive way. He's having trouble with this; he's not doing it out of spite. Help the poor child!

A., at this point I would take your son to see a specialist who deals with gastrointestinal (and possibly even urological) problems. Google topics like 'colon and rectal specialists' and do some research on physicians in your area. It is absolutely clear that there is some type of problem and you need to find out if it is physiological or psychological. It is best to check out, and if appropriate rule out the physiological before you move to the conclusion that it is psychological. And if that is the case, then move on to treat the problem with a psychologist and a psychiatrist as necessary. For your reference, my husband is 54 years old and he has a neurogenic bladder: it does not function properly and does not have the elasticity to squeeze and empty fully. Physicians cannot, yet, determine the cause. However, as we delve into it we are discovering that he has struggled with lifelong constipation (no, he did not go in his pants, however he reports that he only had bowel movements ever 5 days or so -- and thought that was NORMAL!) Although we do not have any successful treatment and no conclusive diagnosis, at this point the theory now is that he MAY have had lifelong neurological problems with his pelvic floor muscles. Because he has never really experienced "urges" to urinate, his bladder simply stretched out and over time shut off any signals to empty that if might have been receiving (that is if it ever received the signals in the way a normal body does). It is likely that his whole "gut" is less sensitive to the signals to empty than might be considered normal. So definitely, your son is exhibiting behavior that defies explanation. The earlier that you can get on top of the problem and find treatments and solutions, the less likely he may be to experience long-term affects that give him problems late in life. God bless you all in your efforts to find answers!

My 7 year old still has problems going to the bathroom because of constipation. I try to remind him that as soon as he feels the urge that he needs to go, but he still doesn't. I think that when they have been having these problems for so long that they just don't know how to handle it. It is so painful to them when they try that they put it off. On the other hand, I don't think that he has the urges sometimes because his body has become used to retaining it. Miralax became useless for us, I think that his body was just used to it. We tried a chiropractor, which seemed to help. For a while I would monitor and if he didn't go for 2 or 3 days I would use a suppository or enema. The enema actually doesn't seem to cause as bad of cramping.

Hope this gives you some new help, but I don't think that it's something that he's doing on purpose to make your life harder, even though it is very frustrating.

He might be afraid of the toilet and falling in. I would suggest a baby bjorn toilet seat that goes on top of toilet. Hang in there!

There is an article in the April issue of Parents magazine about resolving constipation in children. If you don't have it or can't find it, I can mail you my copy if you'd like. Good luck!

In answer to your question of going from negative feedback to positive, just remember to not show any emotion even when you feel like screaming. Our son was potty trained and then when we moved, he started to have accidents again. I just acted as if it was no big deal.

Show him how to empty his underwear in the toilet, pour on a little dish washing liquid, scrub with a toothbrush to get the stains out, then put in a bucket until time to wash. Just act like this is as normal as doing the dishes. Thank him for doing a good job of cleaning. Eventually he will get tired of the whole routine. Whatever you do, just keep acting like this doesn't bother you. Refer to the act as an accident. "Did you have an accident? Okay, let me show you what you need to do." Act very matter-of-factly that you need to clean the underwear to get all the germs out. Tell him you wouldn't want him to get sores or rashes from wearing dirty underwear.

Then just gently remind him to let you know if he would like to try pooping on the potty sometime, if he feels grown up enough yet. If he says no, just say okay, and to let you know if he changes his mind.

When he is not thinking about pooping, ask him if he is sad about his dad not being around a lot or if he is worried about having a new baby come in the house. Change can be really hard on a 5-year-old. Give him something to do when he feels stress. Have him draw pictures for his dad when he misses him. Talk about how his dad helps people. Tell him he can do exercises like his dad does when he is training. Help him also to prepare for the baby coming. Does he like to draw pictures for the nursery? Show him videos or pictures of what to expect when the baby comes and what kinds of things a big brother can do to help.

Be sure to catch him doing things that are positive and reward him. Hugs, high fives, etc. Be sure to tell him how proud you are of him that he is growing up.