5 Year Old Melts down After Big Events

The children's museum with all the girls in the class - low key? Not in my world, and perhaps your daughter's, too. There's probably a lot of build-up to those events, too (as there should be), which makes the post-party even more of a crash.
It sounds pretty normal to me (think about the day after Christmas when you were a kid). Perhaps planning something very low-key but special (a birthday lunch or a movie, just the two of you) after the big event would alleviate the let-down.

I have the same problem. My daughter is 6 my son is 4 and I have another little girl who is a year. If you get any good advise please let me know. We joke around and say she is not going to stay with my oarents any more, because when she comes home, she is a beast.

Sounds a little like my youngest who is now turning nine. She really wants to have gatherings and enjoys her friends, but doesn't like the overall tension,excitement, anxiousness she feels and begins to withdraw or get testy. When she was younger (4,5,6)she would just go and hide in her room even though it was all her friends in the living room! Now because she understands more about social politeness, she will endure the hub-bub, and then feel overwhelmed after. Her inward withdrawal, may be just a way to get back to "normal" after all the excitement, and maybe yours acts out instead, but for similar reasons?
Most of the time I try to keep birthdays to familiar surroundings and only two or three friends and she is much better. Also, if she is helping me plan activities, or writing/decorating invitations, or even make the food, she seems to get less stressed. Having a sense of control and order and responsibility has focused her enough that the anticipation and the actual event doesn't overwhelm. Sometimes during larger family gatherings she just needs a little time to herself and all of us give her some understanding. If she is getting overwhelmed and talks back to me for example, I would remind her that we are all in the same situation and we can all work thru our feelings with out taking it out on eachother. Hope this helps!

I think you nailed it on the head with "self-importance," but maybe it's just about the stress/chaos that they pick up. I think that at a younger ages it is difficult for a great, sweet kid to go from normal existance to suddenly being the center of everyone's attention showered with materialistic gifts. Me, me, me... I think it is all in the approach, but she may just not be ready for big events of this nature.

My son's class started a tradition (one by one each family followed suit) of taking a different approach that seems to be working out quite well. Instead of the event being a complete and total gift fest, we expand the thought into a celebration extending beyond the very gift centered event. For birthdays in particular, the kids chose a charity in lieu of gifts. Each received gifts but only from close family. After the birthday, the kids were able to drop their donations at the food shelter or animal shelter and make their birthday really something special - making their life about so much more than another toy. The party was little more than time to enjoy friends and cake. It has made an amazing difference in my kids lives, their approach toward birthdays and significantly simplified the entire event. Everyone is different, but the kids I've seen do this seem to understand that a change in age is a reason to just be thankful and happy. The message gets misconstrued when we turn it into a present-fest. Just something to chew on, perhaps another option...

C.

Hi there J.
MY 13 year old daughter does the same thing and has now for years. I would take this issue up with your pedia doctor.
Now i thought all the other responses were wonderful and you should try them all/and you might find something that works for you.
I will also add that my daughter has memory and processing delays and a space-cial thing going on/IEP.
Congrad on staying home with your kids, you are going to love it

Hi J. -
It could be her sugar intake - when my son was that age he was doing the same thing - one day I let him have pancakes with syrup and then he wanted donuts so I let him and lo and behold the horrible behavior reared its ugly head - sugar is everywhere and high frutose corn syrup is worse - it might be that you need to avoid having these foods around - for the most part we had cereal, soda (and NOT diet), snack food, even their fruit juice and fruit snacks and yogurt with no sugar(sweetened with fruit juice) or the least amount possible and there was vast improvement - I could allow careful sugar intake around the holidays and special events and it would not be so intense - it could also be over stimulation - they have smaller bodies and do not have all the coping skills we have - naps help when you know of an upcoming event that could trigger the behavior

Hope this helps
L.

The large parties may be too much for her. Instead of having the whole class, why not follow the "age" rule? A kid can have the same number of friends as her age - if she's 4, she gets 4 friends. If she's 7, she gets 7 friends. This keeps the party manageable, and also gets rid of the "gimme" problem. I didn't want my son to get 30 presents for his birthday, so I didn't invite 30 kids. I also didn't want to be going to 30 parties a year and having to purchase 30 presents that the kids didn't appreciate because there were do many. Small parties of 4 or 6 are easy to manage - I had a lot of activities such as treasure hunts or scavenger hunts - the items they found became the party food and their goodie bags, and the activities built team work and burned up energy. You can also take a small group bowling (especially candlepin, which is easier for younger children to manage) or to a museum (many have special kids' exhibits or craft programs) or to a craft place such as Clay Time. The parties are calmer, and so the birthday child isn't subjected to as many wild stimuli. They also become focused on the friends and the games, rather than the gifts and being the total center of attention. For a number of years, I went to the library to get books on "old fashioned" children's games - stuff I grew up with like potato-spoon races and what not. Kids today LOVE them because they've never done them. When the kids get to be around 9, then a movie and sleepover night can be fun. Before that, an afternoon pajama party can be fun - come in your pjs, drink hot chocolate or make popcorn, etc. Parties have become parents' ways of competing - who has a magician, who has a pony, who has a puppet show, without regard to the fact that it is way too much for the kids as well as the budget. Even if YOU don't do these things, the kids kind of expect them or have heard stories of other kids who have had them, and then all kinds of expectations and stresses build up for their own party. You are wise to read the signs of your child's reactions, and to look for strategies to counter them. We didn't do things this way, and our neighborhood began to follow suit. It was great - we found families who were thrilled to do the same. We declined invitations to big displays for kids my son wasn't even that friendly with, and he never missed it. Today he is a high school senior who is comfortable bucking the trends of kids who follow the crowd, has a great group of friends who participate in wholesome activities, and whom we trust. I believe that helping him to make solid choices when he was younger made all the different. Good luck!

Oh my goodness we have the same problem with our 5 year old. My youngest birthday is Christmas Eve, my oldest the 29th of Dec. so needless to say Dec. was busy and hectic and we had our 5 year olds b-day out of the house this year and had some of her friends and of course the family attend. Afterwards she was all high and mighty, thinking she could sass back and be rude, etc. We explained to her that although self expression is OK, the manner that she was doing so was NOT! We even got to the point where we had to take some things away from her as her behavior was just horrendous! Thankfully since then it hasn't been so bad, she certainly has her moments but we just keep being consistent and letting her know her boundries. Good luck.

Everyone does special events differently. What you describe as low key to me is over the top. My children never have the big every year all our classmates are invited party for their birthday. My children are treated special by being surounded by family. Our quiet celabrations may seem anti-social but my children are very happy with a cake made by me, decorations made by me and the knowledge that I took the time to but them first on there special day. I like to reminise about my pregnancy while I carried them and tell them about the day of thier birth. Friends and lots of presents are nice but the conection to you their father and siblings is far more important. I know the social pressure to have the big birthday bash each year is very strong, but by simply saying no to that peer preesure I'm setting an example for latter on in my childrens lives when they will face peer pressure which could result in worse things than a mean attitude. I will end my response the same way I started, everyone does special events differently. My way may not work for you, but your way is not working either. Try to do something different.

H. P.

Wow, your kids are the exact same ages of mine! Well, seeing as it is after a big event where there are different foods, candy, cakes, etc... it could very well be a reaction to food dyes or sugars.... my daughter was a beast last summer... i looked into the food dyes and took everything out that had red40 and yellow 5 as those are the worst for young children, and w/in 1 1/ weeks i noticed a difference....sometimes those things have quite an effect on behavior.... it could also be her emotions... but i would give it a try...good luck!

I would think going to a museum with a class full of girls was a big event! We always have quiet, family parties.

My guess would be the abundance of sugar in her diet during these events. I am sure that your family curbs sugar on a more normal basis and at parties and such, there is ALWAYS more sugar laden food, which if you think about it, your classes as a teacher were probably more rowdy during those times.
Some children's bodies can handle themselves better then others when on a sugar high. The next day for some, it is like a crash happens.

Just a couple of my initial thoughts!!

Hi J., I'll be that it isn't anything like self importance or a bad attitude - she's probably just tired and overstimulated after such a big event. I'd try hard to make sure that she has a very low key day with lots of downtime the day before and day after the big event day, and also that the party or whatever doesn't last too long (i.e., don't keep going until the kids act badly - make sure to end while you are still having fun). --S. H.

sounds like she may be tired. big events usually have lots of foods we don't normally eat and we tend to let the kids do more physically and behaviorally than we usually do. when my daughter has a friend over she changes too, she seems to be testing limits, we just try to stay firm with our expectsations of behavior. maybe try to make events more low key and serve up lots of protein snacks with all the goodies.

My guess is that she's mostly just tired. I'd try to make the next day very low-key and stick to your normal routine, except have bedtime be earlier. I have three girls (7,5,2) and Christmas/birthdays are always a time when we see bad behavior. So we mostly just ignore it and have a normal day as soon as possible. Big events are stressful and tiring for little people.

Sounds like your 5 yr. old is feeling left out, especially with the new baby. She is attention seeking. Try doing some "big girl " things with just her from time to time. Maybe an Mommy and daughter dress up or salon day and do each others nails and hair, or let her shop for 1 new clothing item ( with a cost limit of course ). It's so hard trying to divide up your time to all your children! Babies do take up a lot of our time though and the older ones miss that attention too. Good luck and God bless. L.

hi i went through similar situations with my daughter the following day after a big event she was just overwhelmed. when she becomes crabby the next day i make her go to her room and rest 9 out of 10 times she will fall asleep. the other days she doesn't sleep i tell her she can't come out of her room untill her attitude changes and she can be nice to everybody. sometimes it takes a while or a few trips to her room she is now six and we still go through this anytime after a big event. or sleepover. the next night is always early to bed if she did not nap during the day i hope this helps .
D. D