4Yo Acting Out

Yes, mine is going to be another post that is long on sympathies and short on advice. But I'm gonna write it anyway, just 'cuz sometimes it feels good to get an "Amen!"

My oldest daughter (McKenna) turned four at the end of October, and my youngest (Chappell) just celebrated her first birthday a week ago, so our age spans are nearly identical. Ditto on the behavior problems, but recently, I have seen an improvement. A couple of thoughts I have on what things might have helped:
1) We are teaching Chappell Baby Signs, something we did with McKenna too. McKenna loves helping her baby sister learn new signs, and it has made her realize that she can communicate with her. It has also helped us exhibit to McKenna that in our house, when you are able to communicate, you don't get what you want by screaming. We encourage Chappell to use her signs to tell us what she needs, instead of throwing tantrums, and it has helped to reinforce the point with big sis.
2) I resist the urge AT ALL COSTS to compare the two. Several times a day I find myself wanting to say to McKenna, "Chappell is a baby and is behaving better than you," but I don't want to amplify the animosity that already exists.
3) I have tried to have conversations with McKenna when she is not in trouble for any reason, in fact when she is being a really good girl. I start by praising her for being sweet, tell her how much I LOVE being with her when she acts that way, and on the flip side, how she is not fun to be with when she is tantruming. She gets it, and now thanks me for taking her to the park, etc, and I think tries harder to make me want to do fun things with her.
4) We have tried really hard recently to give her an opportunity to "turn back from the dark side," as my husband and I refer to it. In the past, when McKenna would act out, my husband and I would get angry, and start responding in kind with whatever punishments we could think of at the time. She would then "go for broke," and just get worse and worse. Recently when she starts to act out, we call her on it, tell her that she has the ability to get it under control. We tell her what the consequences are if she doesn't get it under control (time-out, lose priveleges, etc), and she has a choice to make. We are very intentional about saying, "You can either choose to be a good girl and continue to play, or you can choose to behave badly and go to time-out. It's your choice. What are you going to do?" McKenna seems to have really responded to the concept of choices. I'm trying to give her other opportunities to be in control as well, by choosing what she wants to wear, eat, what game we play, etc. I think it gives her a sense of personal resposibility.

Now, McKenna is definitely not perfect and still has some meltdowns, but they are much less frequent than they were. I wish I had a magic solution for you (and myself), but no one ever said parenthood was for wimps!! Good luck, and let us know how it goes! Please write back if you find other solutions that you think might help us too!

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I'm not an expert, but I have some idea of what you're going through. My baby was born on her sister's fifth birthday, and that was just the start of the ways the baby began stealing her thunder.

You're right, your firstborn has gone through a LOT this year, not the least of which is losing her place as the only apple of your eye. I'd hazard a guess that she senses your dislike and is acting out in ANY way to get your attention. I'm lucky in that my five year old is (and has) able to come out and say that she feels pushed aside.

I'd suggest that you and her daddy both set aside special time with her. Take her to the movies. Take her to see "Dora, The Explorer" on stage. Heck, just take her to the park for an hour. But, DON'T TAKE THE BABY. In fact, if you can arrange for BOTH parents to take her out, even better. Keep using the sticker charts, and let her know when she gets a certain number of stickers, she gets an hour of special time with her parents.

Also, if your baby is old enough for you to feel safe doing so, let her help you with the baby so she starts to see him as a little person, not just an annoyance in her life. Let her feed him, help you change him and "baby-sit" him while you work on household chores nearby. Be sure to tell her how much her brother looks up to her. My 10 month old thinks the world of her big sister, and that makes big sister just light up.

And if she has regressed a little to earlier behaviors, you should know that that's normal. My five year old started wetting the bed again when her sister was born. She'll get over it.

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I believe that your daughter was happy at first to have a little brother. But now he takes up all of your time, everyone squeezes his cheeks and goes to him first when they walk into the house. She is unsure where her place is now. Try to include her in her brother's care. Teach her how to change is diaper. Let her feed him some times. Let her help bath him and dress him. Let her choose the outfit. Once she bonds with him and starts interacting with him she will have another outlet for attention. She will have his. But don't forget to set aside 30 min to an hour each day to do something she wants. Just the 2 of you. Even if it's just bed time stories.
Also let her know how important she is in her brother's life. That he will look up to her and need her to teach him all the things he needs to know as he grows up.
Basically I think she feels out of the loop. Try to get her back into the loop.

Isn't it nice to know your not the only one?

I have a four 1/2 year old and a new baby. My son's tantrums have for the most part ended, rarely will he trow one. Time out had a little affect, but what really helped us was taking toys. He went so increadibly nuts one night that we CLEARED his room of almost everything not educational. Meaning books, crayons and leap pad. That did end up screwing us because he had nothing to lose. So we learned to leave a handful of each toy group. but take the majority of his things away. For instance we left five trains (the no name ones, we took all Thomas, Henry and other named trains he loved away) and a basic track, five hotwheels cars, five star wars and two vehicles and so on. That gave him something to play with and something to lose if he misbehaved. After almost three weeks he had not earned a thing back and had lost a little of what he had left. But finally he realized that he REALLY wanted Thomas back. Since then the toys go back and forth, but the behavior had greatly improved.

On the potty training..... I'm military and before our move EVERYONE ( military moms) told me to expect that for a few months, but all said it would pass when the stress subsides and they take comfort in their surroundings.

I hope this helps. J.

I have a four year old boy and know EXACTLY what you are talking about. No advice really except that when he starts the arguing about anything and everything I put him on his bed and tell him not to move. He screams, cries, tantrums, tells me he hates me. This lasts for up to fifteen minutes at a time. I tell him when he can be nice to me he can get off his bed. (STICK TO IT DO NOT LET HER OFF THE BED UNTIL SHE STOPS CRYING!) Taking away toys has not helped and talking to him is a joke, he just argues with me! While he tantrums on his bed I repeat to myself "he is just being four, he is just being four...." Yes, it is very difficult to want to be around him at all. I do go through it everyday.

I have a two year old also who is starting the "why" phase and I'm about to go completly nuts!!! Good Luck and remember that we ALL go through this.

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Our son will be 4 in about 1 week and the past couple of weeks he has been doing the same thing and he hasn't had any major changes in his life. He screams at us, at times nothing makes him happy. We have tried just about everything from a pop on the hiney to timeout. Last night he was in a fit that nothing would end. No matter what we said or did he would scream, kick, cry, etc. Finally I told him that we were going to start taking away his favorite toys. We put on of his Ninja Turtles on a high shelf. He was still in a bit of a fit, but when we put a 2nd one on the shelf he started to pay attention. This worked pretty well last night. It is not time tested as of yet though.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I have a 4 yo son. He is still an only child, but I think that acting out is just a stage they go through. They're old enough now to realize that they can push our buttons. A friend and I were talking about what to do with my son, and she suggested taking a favorite toy away from him when he acts up. I told her that wouldn't work because he'd just find something else to play with. She suggested that I take ALL of his toys away from him. I know that it sounds harsh, but if you take ALL of her things away, make her sit on her bed or wherever and look at them, for only, say, an hour to start out with, make her see what she COULD be doing and what she is doing as a result of her bad behavior. It worked well with my son. Now, it only comes down to that rarely b/c he knows that he won't have any privilages at all if he acts up. Mabey with your daughter, one thing will work, although with my son it didn't. It took everything fun that he had. My husbands cousin has a 3 yo daughter, and her favorite color is pink. When she acts up, they tell her she won't be able to wear pink! Sounds crazy to me, but it works!! Hope this suggestion might give you at least an idea. Good luck!!

I wish someone had told me about James Dobson's book the Strong Willed Child when my daughter was that young. It has helped me alot. I don't know if your daughter is stong willed or not. But it is still a good book

uh oh. I read all of this with impending dread. We are in the process of moving (to TN)... my son just turned 3 and I am 5 weeks pregnant. Ok, so since this seems to be a familliar recipe- what would you all have done differently if you could have?

I too have a four year old girl and a new baby boy. Just as you described she is just terrible to be around. Nothing is good enough, she acts out, etc. I can say, that at the moment, it has all seemed to be a phase. About a month ago it stopped, she has been an angel, not acting out and being very sweet. What happened?? I DON'T KNOW. The only thing I can figure is that her last "meltdown" just took me to the limit. I couldn't speak to her for over an hour, I was so angry and stunned at the way she had acted (screaming, kicking for at least 30 min) I really didn't know what to say to her and really didn't know what to do. The only thing I could think of was not to give her attention...positive or negative. I gave her juice, some kleenex, told her I was so upset over her behavior that she would have to wait until I felt I could talk to her and she was not to leave her room. Shockingly enough, she minded. She whined a little in her room, but she stayed there. I eventually went to talk to her and to this day have no idea what triggered the "meltdown". I don't know if she realized she had pushed me to the limit or what, but since then she has not acted out.

I don't think I was a lot of help, but I do think it's a phase, every child is different and will react differently to certain punishments. Hang in there and I think it will pass.

You are in my prayers. I have been there. Just remember that children do not react well to change even positive change. your daughter's life is in upheaval at this time. Potty Training regression is normal with one change not to mention more than one change. My only advise is to be calm and give her some respite (and yourself) by getting out of the house and doing something quiet and peacefull like walking in the park or sitting and watching clouds. spend time with her alone if you have someone to take care of the younger child. Things will begin to smooth out soon. Remember time heals all wounds :)