18 answers

4Year Old Girls Kissing

My 4 year old daughter was caught kissing her 4 year old friend in the bedroom while they were having a sleep over. I know some of people say it is normal behavior for a 4 year old to experiment. I'm just freaking out thinking it's not ok. I did explain to her that it's not exceptable, and it should never happen again. Well today they were playing again, and I noticed they were really quite, so I went in there, and they immediatley said that they weren't kissing, and I didn't even say anything. I made the little girl go home, and had another talk with my daughter. I called the little girls mom and told her about the problem, and she told me that a girl that use to play with her daughter had kissed her daughter, and that's probably where she got it, but i don't know what i should do. I'm not going to let the little girl back at my house. Do you think this is the solution?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

So I talked to my daughter about the issues, and explained to her that I know she loves her friend, but maybe she should hug her instead of kissing her. She said that she understands, so we will see what happens. Thank you to everyone that has responded. you really helped me from freaking out. And now my husband understands too. THanks

More Answers

Kristen,

I think that you need to think about what types of patterns you are setting up for your child. Are you going to have her grow up with you banning anything with the potential for a conversation?

At 4 years old, she cannot possibly understand what you are so upset about. I am sure she sees kissing between you and your spouse, her brother and sister, other relitives and friends, and depending on your house rules, possibly television. How is she to comprehend at 4 years old that this is something that is sexually based, and not an act of love that one person shows another?

You need to have a conversation with her, at her level, if this is something that you do not want to continue. You have to understand that as a 4 year old, she will probably defy you. If she continues kissing friends, are you going to ban all of them from your home? Come up with a gentle way to explain that there are different types of kissing, and which are and are not appropriate.

I believe this will do you a lot better than setting up a pattern for banning at any slight infraction.

With all of the conversation this has caused on this message board, I am curious to hear how you have decided to handle this.

The best of luck to you,
S.

3 moms found this helpful

Ok... I have to respond to this, because I'm sensing major homophobia at this site now. First, I'm a lesbian. My children see my partner and I kiss. Is that going to make my children gay? NO! Children kiss and show affection, because it's natural. To the girls, two girls kissing is just like mom kissing daughter. You don't have to worry that your child is going to be gay. I feel for your child, though. I think that if she were to struggle with sexuality when she is older, she would definitely not feel safe coming to you for advice.

3 moms found this helpful

They are 4, that is a normal behavior at that age. It is not sexual, they are too young. They are showing affection. Banning the child from your home is not a positive solution. It is punishing your child and her friend. It could potentially cause her to feel shame for showing affection to friends and family. This is not a distinction I would feel comfortable imposing on my son. Seeing as you have 2 daughters, your youngest is most likely showing the same affection to her friend as to her sister.

Good Luck

B.

Good Luck

2 moms found this helpful

No, I don't think that's the solution. I think by doing this you are inadvertantly causing your daughter to wonder what she did. Although she may not remember this particular instance far down the road, but it's setting her up for problem- whether large, or small, that's up to your daughter's maturaty level. I definitly think you should explain why you don't think it's appropriate, but come on now, don't ban her from her friends.
She'll just lash out later in life. I know I did.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm going to guess over the past 4 years that you've kissed your daughter a lot, and you do so as a sign of affection and love. I'm certain there's nothing sexual whatsoever about it, but a way to show your daughter that she's a special person in your life.

Along the way, she has learned that special people receive close affection that makes her feel warm and loved. It's likely that she really likes her friend and cares about her, albeit in a nonsexual way. Her friend is probably important to her and very special, and she has chosen to show her affection in a manner that she has been taught all her life.

Just relax, this is fairly normal behavior for children. Unless she's kissing like she's seen on tv shows, which might not be innocent. I doubt she's experiementing with her sexuality; she's just showing her best friend affection.

2 moms found this helpful

Not to worry at this age, they are experimenting. It's a curious age. My son and his cousin were kissing and laying on eachother at that age. Hasn't happened since but they are still very close. Maybe have them play where they can be seen so that you are sure this is not a problem?

2 moms found this helpful

Hello, I have a two year old and she was caught kissing one of her little boyfriends at daycare. I don't think they are planning on going steady or getting married. They just like each other. Lots of families kiss their children and siblings on the mouth. It's no big deal; it isn't sexual, it isn't meant to be something more than I love you for you. Don't worry about your daughter and her friend. Just explain to your daughter that you don't kiss on the mouth in your house because you're worried about germs, etc. Tell her she can kiss her friend on the cheek if she wants instead.

2 moms found this helpful

Hate to say this, but I think you're making the wrong decision. Kids at this age do not understand sexuality. It is perfectly normal behavior. My son was in preschool last year and he was always getting in trouble for hugging and kissing all the girls. And all the boys always hugged each other hi and bye. It's NORMAL. YOU are reading WAY too much into it. Why on earth would you ban your daughter's friend??? That's a hateful thing to do to your daughter. I think you should do some research on toddler affections. And people wonder where "homophobes" comes from!

1 mom found this helpful

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