4.5 Year Old & Pre-school

I agree that she needs to go every day. These kids get into routines with their classmates and are able to establish friendships with the kids that see each day. Since she's only there 2 days a week, they don't really get a chance to know her due to her on/off schedule.
You can always look into a different school, but you may experience the same issues. But you can always look around.
I know it's heartbreaking for you and her. Hang in there.

Poor thing. I would do a 9 to noon preschool…2 or 3 mornings a week. And I would invite over (one at time) school mates for a playdate so she can get some one on one time with some of the other kids and perhaps bond with them.

Two days at five hours each doesn't seem like a good schedule. Two days isn't enough to get into a routine, and five hours is kind of long for a kid who's never been in a structured setting.
All the preschools around here are no more than 3 or 4 hours a day, and most kids go either three or five days a week.
Can her schedule be adjusted or are you stuck? If this is the best schedule they can offer you I think I'd look for something else.

I agree the long days might be too much but only 2 days could be making things harder even more. I did that for a while with my daughters and I did think the 2 days vs 5 days the other kids were going made it way harder on mine. The other kids were together all week and mine showed up randomly from their POV. 5 hours is a lot too but I think even more so might be how difficult it is to fit in if everyone else is together all the time and she's not. If you have to keep this schedule, try to seek out one or two children to invite over to play. She needs someone there who will welcome her other than the teachers.

Honestly, a month is not a long time when it comes to this.
There were kids in my son's class that cried daily for the entire year.
It's just part of learning the routine.

Mine cried for a month, and then he just fell into a pattern and it was nothing to him. And he still tried the "stomach ache" stuff on me now, and he's in kindergarten. Some of it is maturity and just understanding that he has to go. Some of it is talking through fears and expectations.

At 4.5, honestly, she should be fine going to school. Try making a to-do list with her and the teacher that allows her to check things off as they happen during the day. This lets her know what is coming next, and allows her some control to "complete" them by checking them off when the activity is done.
My son responded really well to that during the anxiety.

You may find that once the anxiety is better controlled, she will engage more with the other kids naturally.

A few thoughts for you:

Are there other new kids in her class, or is the class almost entirely kids her age who have been in this same preschool together for a couple of years? Some children start preschool as young as two and a half, so some of her classmates might have been together for what seems to them like their entire lives. If that's the case, what she is experiencing may not be intentional "meanness" of kids excluding her but instead could be the other kids simply doing as young kids do and sticking to what's familiar. She also is coming in very late in the typical "school year" as well.

I'd talk with the teacher (without your daughter present, and when the teacher has time to talk -- not a quick word in the hallway at pickup time) about exactly how the teacher "encourages the other children to play with her." The teacher may need to be more proactive than just encouraging; she shouldn't be forcing anyone to play with anyone, but she does have the ability to tell student Sally, "Sally, I'm putting you and KellysDaughter in charge of the sand table today! You get to be the ones to put out the sand toys and tell everyone when the table is ready!" In other words - the teacher may need to do more to pair your child one at a time with other kids to do tasks and make it seem like the biggest treat ever. Giving a child responsibilities and talking up those responsibilities can be a big help.

Ask the teacher if SHE thinks that the fact your daughter is 4.5 and new to preschool, and has come in late in the school year, is a factor here. I think it may be.

And remember - she has only been doing this twice a week for one month! That's about eight class sessions -- not much at all. She needs time to adjust and yanking her out now will not give her that time and will turn her into the new kid all over again at a new school. Bear in mind too that when a child her age is upset, she is indeed upset, but...she is also at an age where any upset is magnified into a major issue. If YOU let her see that you too are upset on her behalf she will pick up on that and it will get worse. Tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but don't be overly gushy along the lines of "Oh my poor precious, those girls are not nice at all" etc. -- that will feed her sense that she's upset.

You can help at home too by scheduling play dates with kids from preschool. This really does help, believe me. Remember that kids this age do not do well in threes -- two will focus on each other -- so keep play dates one on one. Are you able to hang around and meet other parents? It's very valuable to your child if you can make acquaintances with other moms and therefore get your child together with theirs outside school. If she's likely to stay at this preschool for another year, you really do need to get to know other parents.

Also, it's possible that she is going too infrequently and for too long when she does go. That may sound odd at first but think about it. My friend's son had a hard time with preschool at first and his mom realized it was because he only went two mornings a week, and there was a five-day gap between one day (Thursday) and his next school day (Tuesday). He just didn't adjust to the idea that school was coming up days and days from now -- he couldn't really think that far ahead. Then when the day for school did arrive, he would have a tough and teary day. He actually did much better when he went four days a week and there were no more than three days between his last school day and the next one; he could settle into the routine of it and frankly had less time to dread the next school day.

He also (like my child and many others) went only for half-days, not full days. Five hours is pretty much a full day, and a big adjustment for a child like yours who has had no preschool at all and is older - she is used to having her own schedule at home and now has what feels to her like an eternity between dropoff and pickup. Is there an option for a shorter day but more frequent days of preschool? I would not push five days a week on her at all, it's not necessary, but three shorter days instead of two longer ones could give her more of a routine to slip into and a better sense that preschool is not so very long each day.

She is "asking every night and morning if she'll be going to school that day," you say -- which indicates she is totally uncertain about when school really is going to happen, and she sees it as something that happens TO her instead of something she DOES herself like a big girl. She needs the right schedule plus a sense of ownership that school is her special place.

I would really look into adjusting the schedule, getting her together with classmates outside school, ensuring she is not just encouraged but given responsibilities alongside other kids, and talking with the teacher.

I think you should talk to the teachers, and they should come up with more than encouraging other children to play with her. If she can't, she's not a very good teacher.

At this age, teachers can assign kids to groups to play. Our preschool has 'centers', each with a different type of play. Kids don't get to choose what group they are in for centers. The teacher assigns small groups - max 4 kids per group - and each small group start at a different center and they rotate. If the classroom has something like this, then the teacher should put your child in a group with 3 other kids she thinks are good playmates. And then she can keep an eye on that group and intervene (in a fun way) to keep all the kids involved.

For my shyer child, we also had a teacher help out with circle time when she did the question and answer time. My child didn't raise his hand out of shyness, but he did have things to say. So every once in a while, even though he didn't raise his hand, she would ask him if he wanted to answer. Over time, he became more confident.

Another idea is that most preschools have a system that lets kids be leaders. The kids LOVE this. My son's current teacher has a rotation where kids get to take turns doing the following: line leader, snacktime helper, circle time helper, book holder, bell ringer (they ring a bell when it's time to move from one activity to the next). Giving kids a leadership is a great way to make them feel involved and important.

So, talk to the teacher, see what ideas she has or is willing to try. If she's not willing to put some additional effort into this, maybe you need to interview other preschools.

A final thought - her schedule. Are all the other kids there two days per week? Or are they all there 5 days per week, and she's the only one on the part-time schedule? If she is not there all the time, I can see how the other kids have formed their friend groups without her, simply because she isn't there all the times that they are. If this is the case, maybe you need a preschool where all the kids are on the same part-time schedule.

i think you've made a good choice to ease into it, just 2 short days a week. maybe what she needs is an even gentler translation- 2 or 3 days a week, just for 2 or 3 hours.
the other way to approach it would full immersion. while it wouldn't be my choice, it would have the advantage that she would almost certainly work through it, find a friend or three, and adjust. it'd be a brutal week or two, but kids do figure it out.
unless you think the school is actually a poor one, i doubt switching would help. it sounds as if she's having a naturally hard time breaking into the established pack, and hasn't yet developed the social skills needed to sidle in.
i think the best thing to do would be to seek out different sets of kids for her to hang out with- at the playground, the library, mommy-and-me groups and so forth, and work with her in a low-key sort of way on finding some strategies to open the door to the groups. a nice way for kids this age to do it is to learn to lead in with a nice statement. 'i like your shoes!' or 'that's a really cool truck. does the horn work?'
don't disregard her tears or tummy aches, but don't over-hype them either.
most kids move through this phase in a couple of weeks. hang in there, mama!
khairete
S.

Reading your post, I'm troubled by the fact that the teacher doesn't seem that proactive or effective about the fact that your daughter's being excluded.

The fact that the teacher is just "encouraging" the other kids to include her doesn't sound all that encouraging, so to speak.

At that age, a good teacher can be very proactive about issues like exclusion. "Oh, you're playing dress-up! How nice! Sophia likes to play dress-up too!" Or, they can deliberately pair a child who's new, or who's having a hard time breaking in socially, with a particularly sweet, mature child, who will take her under her wing. That's what my son's preschool did for him. It took a little time for things to click, but in the end, the results were fantastic.

Honestly, if it were me, and the teacher weren't being terribly proactive about the issue of exclusion, I'd be looking for another preschool. I know the school seems nice. Just about ALL preschools seem nice. And the vast, vast, vast majority of preschool teachers are amazingly lovely people. But the way you describe it, there are some red flags, in terms of what this school is willing and able to do for your little girl.

I'd say she needs to go every day so that she's not the odd child out on the days she does go. They are likely there every day?

Consider real pre-K through your public school system in the fall. Real pre-K is not play day with a little education slid in, it's actual school and really prepares them for kindergarten. Kids that go to the pre-K program through the public schools are often ahead of the kids that go to other pre-schools.

I'd wait. I'd pull her and start again in the fall.

I know lots of kids that never step foot in preschool till 4.5. They adjust fine.

I also think you should find another school. Exclusion is not acceptable, and if the teacher was any good, your daughter would be having an easier time.

Your daughter is having anxiety over preschool. Let me ask you this, do you think preschool is really something to have a stomach ache over? She has lots of years to feel stress. Is it necessary right now?

I agree with the others - she started at an odd time and she doesn't go enough to really make friends or become part of a "group." Either send her more often or stop sending her at all, but it's probably not going to change unless you change something.

Starting preschool at age 4.5? That would be rough. And it's April...again, rough!

I know you can't go back in time. We've started at age 2, and then it was smooth sailing from there. The kids go through phases of "I don't want to go," but it is not every day. Also, we go every day 5 hours. 2 days a week is just a disruption and isn't much of a routine.

I hope things get better! I'd try more days per week.

Perhaps she started at an odd time. Most preschools start in August and she started last month (March). The kids have their friends/routine/games, etc and she has to work her way in to the class.

I too think it's her schedule. She is old enough to be going to school, as soon it will be kindergarten. My son goes 4 days a week (Wednesday's off) for 3 hours each day. He has high anxiety so the first few months were really tough, but we stuck in there and now he loves school. He gets sad if he has the day off!

What really helped us, was him transitioning to riding the bus to and from school. I used to drop him off and he hated when I left him, but now he sees riding the bus as fun.

One month is not that long, hang in there, and try to make it look like a fun thing for her. I also agree, check lists that she can use during the day would help. Give her special tasks to prepare on school days.

My son when he first started going took a small "transitional object" with him to school. Something that was familiar and helped him when he was away. He loved bringing a favorite car etc. Now, he doesn't need to bring anything.

You could also ask her who are the people she wants to play with at school and maybe try and schedule a casual play date with those kids at a park, so they can get to know each other better and then maybe she will start looking forward to going instead of being stressed.

Good luck and hang in there!

Why did she start so late. Everyone has a routine that they have been following for many many months. She's lost. I would can this year. Why won't start K in Sept?

Our kid didn't have a hard time adjusting, when we first put him in daycare, but then again, he wasn't even two. For what its worth, the daycare director recommended that if he were having a hard time adjusting, they would take him for more days, on their dime, so that he could get used to the routine.

Best,
F. B.