4 Year Old Son Won't Poop in the Potty

My 4 year old is the same way. I started potty training before a lot of my friends, and all their kids were potty trained completely before mine. It took 18 months (that's eighteen!) just to get peeing in the potty down. She wanted to do it, but would regress the next week, then the next week great, then not so great. AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!! She has been standing up to poop since she learned how to stand at 6 months. So for us sitting down to poop was half the battle. She won't go in her panties, so she was basically constipating herself and waiting until her nighttime pullup. She has a teeny bladder, so we HAVE to have something on her at night or she has an accident and she gets so embarrassed...another story. Anyway, my husband's a pharmacist and finally brought home some children's suppositories. I know, totally gross, but it worked. She wasn't able to hold it in and it came out and she realized that it didn't hurt and that she could do it on the potty by herself. We've had to use it a couple of times since then, but for the most part just getting her to go once did the trick. I wouldn't worry about it too much. She was ready to train, it just took her a long time. (Don't ask me how much I'm looking forward to potty training the next one!) She has little friends that it just clicked for. These kids are all so different and so do things in their own way in their own time. But if your mother instinct tells you enough is enough, it's time to force the issue, I recommend the suppository. Find one that has a dosage for kids age 2 and up. Good luck!

I wouldnt worry to much about it. Most people who say that their children are potty trained at a young age have only trained themselves! I am happy to say that with my children I never had to change messy or wet clothes, they never had accidents. I kept them in diapers until they were ready on there own. Unlike my friends and sister whom claimed there kids were toilet trained before they were two, yet every time I turned around they were changing soiled clothes. Your son will eventually not want poop in his pants. My only advice is to change your kids frequently that way when they do have control they are not going to like to be soiled. In the warmer weather let them be naked, my son used to go outside then come and tell me. Yes I know it is kind of gross, but they are just little cubs and squatting is alot more natural than sitting on a toilet. Good Luck

I don't know really what you should do, but I do believe that one thing you should not do is try to force him to poop. At this age children know that there isn't much they can control in their lives, so they hold on to one thing that they can - urine and bowel movements. If you try to force him to have a movement, he will probably resist, which can lead to constipation (hence the crying and saying he can't go more?), and possible encopresis (the stool becomes hard and impacted, and loose stool leaks around the impacted bowel, resulting in soiling. This can cause nerve damage in the area). So DON'T FORCE!
You might try letting him wear a diaper for bowel movements for now, so you don't have to clean up messy pants every time he goes. Children often urine-train and bowel-train separately, since there are different muscles involved. Let him get used to peeing in the potty well before trying to bowel train him.
I highly recommend the book "Mommy I have to go Potty! A Parent's Guide to Toilet Training" by Jan Faull, M.Ed. This is a great resource for all sorts of potty training dilemmas. There is a chapter on just about every issue of the problem you mentioned: differences in style between you and your in-laws, power struggles, and bowel retention. You could probably find it on the Internet or at a library.
And of course, remember that most people are potty trained as adults - he's sure to figure it out eventually! :)

First of all i have inlaws that think the same. my husband and i were fighting about it. i went and found books and other resources stating boys should not be potty trained until 3 1/2 to 4 1/2. i also got a note from his doctor. i showed my inlaws and husband they shut up real quick. i was going to wait until my son was ready, i was tired of fighting him to go. it shouldn't be dramitic for them; you don't want them growing up remembering that kind of memory. I accidently bought too small of diapers and refused to put underwear on him until he was ready. finally, after two days of wearing diapers that were hurting him, he was potty trained. he told me he didn't want to wear diapers because they hurt. he has been perfect ever since, and i mean perfect.

Hi, This is going to sound kinda stupid, but it worked for me! I took my almost 4 year old to Target and told him he could get any toy he wanted! But that it was his prize for pooping and peeing on the potty. If he went 3 days with no accidents he got the toy. So he picked out a toy, and we kept it on top of our refriderator for him to see.He kept whining and begging for it,and we just kept saying, when you pee and poop in the potty for 3 days you can have it. And voila 3 days later he had his toy. Prior to this we had tried everything! Potty chart, treats for trying etc etc. But for some reason this really worked motivation wise. Hope this helps! Jenn S.

HI,

My son did the same thing. He completely understood the whole potty process he just didn't want to poop on the potty. He was about 3 1/2 when this was going on. He loves Thomas the Tank engine so we asked him what train engine he would like to add to his collection. He chose Lady and Diesel 10. So we took him to the store and bought them. He could hold and look at them in the package but could not play with them until he pooped on the potty. A few weeks went by and still no poop on the potty. So, we told him he had two more days to poop on the potty and if he didn't then the trains would have to go back to the store. Two days went by still no poop on the potty so when my husband left for work the next day he put the trains in his work bag, my son watching, and left to take them back to the store. Not even and hour went by and my son just went into the bathroom by himself and pooped. ha!! We couldn't believe it. So the trains got to come home and no problems since. Not sure if it was just a fluke but it worked for us.

Hang in there! I know how frustating it can be. There is nothing worse than cleaning poopy underwear!!!!!! Ugh!

Enroll your son, then when he has an accident he will hate it (hopefully) then maybe he will learn. my docotor also adivses to use Mineral Oil, it helps the poops come out easily. put the oil in his applesauce or yougurt, he will never know it is there. you find the Mineral Oil on the laxitive ilse. sorry about all your potty trial, i have a three year old girl who doesn't want to use the potty regularily. once a day and she thinks she gets her bribe (not so), but then she pees on the floor the rest of the time.

I know how you feel! My son wouldn't poop in the potty until he was four either, and we tried everything. From rewards and treats to discipline. I even broke down crying in front of him because I was so tired of cleaning him up. I know it sounds weird, but what finally worked is getting him excited to poop on Cheerios. We stuck a couple in the toilet (I know some people do this for "target practice" when teaching them to pee) and he thought it was hilarious and fun. We did this for a couple of weeks and once it was a habit, we stopped and haven't have any problems since. Good luck! Maybe this will help.

Hi. Sounds like you have great intentions from your in-laws. :) Here is my story of potty training. My oldest son wouldn't potty train for anything. We took him to the store and let him choose his prizes for the prize bucket that we had on the back of the toilet. We had a sticker chart. Every time he would go we made such a big deal about it, praise, dancing singing, stickers on the chart a prize from the bucket. If he went pee he got one sticker, poop was worth 2. when he got 5 stickers he got a prize from the bucket. This worked out to be a "big" prize every day. my younger son was very excited and tried his hardest, but since he is a year and half younger than my oldest I was not really concerned about him. My neighbor actually ended up taking him to her house everyday for a week, as I became sick and on bed rest with my last pregnancy...longer story... Her daughter became potty trained during that time, but my son would not. He was so stubborn!

Finally I just told him, "Next week you will be four years old. If you can't go on the potty you will have to wear diapers. I have never met a four year old that wears diapers. You need to do this. Four year olds don't wear diapers." He started going all the time, never had one single accident, not even in bed. He just need to know that it was expected of him and it was okay. He didn't want the attention. He preferred his privacy. Who knew it could be so simple?

Sounds like your boy has some fears, and possibly too much pressure from other sources. I would try taking some one on one time with him and just tell him like it is. Good luck!

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. We were blessed with twins and had a 2 1/2 year old. It was very difficult to teach her to potty in the toilet rather than her pants. I tried all the tricks that older more experiences moms told me about........I was exasperated one day when my husband brought home a roll of half dollars and a piggy bank.......he explained to her that when she pooped she would get one of these big shiny coins.......afterward, she would be able to fill the piggy.....when the piggy was full she would be able to buy whatever she wanted.......it got to be a game and she had no more accidents in just a couple of weeks. Our twins are now in the final stages of being potty trained........exasperated again, we tried the half dollar trick and voila!!! It doesn't take them long to learn that the jingle of a dollar can get them what they have been wanting.......It might work with your little guy since he is 4.......plus, we think it is a good way to teach our little ones a little about money. You wouldn't necessarily have to use half dollars, you could use quarters instead.....we chose half dollars so our kids could earn enough money to buy something special.......now we still give them half dollars for their banks for their savings accounts.....Good luck!

If he'll poop in his undies will he poop in pull-ups or a diaper? Perhaps he could poop in the pull-up while sitting on the toilet (for practice--baby steps) for a couple of days. Begin by getting him to do it in the correct room.

Four year olds love to have a say in things too. So try giving him choices within good limits. (Peeing on the tree is not an option but would he like to skip to the bathroom or crawl to the bathroom? Would he like to stand or sit? Would he like to use the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs bathroom?) We found that giving more choices has helped my 3-year old take more responsibility for her accidents and those accidents are becoming fewer and fewer.

Try giving him more responsibility in other ways too. Four years old is old enough to carry a laundry basket with dirty laundry into the laundry room, help fold and put away clean laundry, use a cleaning wipe to wipe the toilet top to bottom, and give himself a quick stand-up bath. (All with supervision, of course.) This doesn't mean you do it with anger but you can matter-of-factly use his coming birthday as a reason to hand him more responsibility with jobs related to the potty training.

I saw someone else recommended increasing his fiber content. It's healthy anyway so I'd recommend the same thing.

Good luck.

My 4 1/2 year old first went on the potty one week after he turned four. Before that I worried and stressed about it even though he's developmentally delayed (PDD) and I knew it would take longer. But even though it drove me crazy to hear it over and over again, it's true: it WILL happen! So try not to let it stress you out!
Anyway, here's what we did...It was really hard to keep our son on the potty long enough to go, so I put a DVD player in the bathroom. He watched Thomas Tank Engine for a while and eventually he pooped. Once he did it and knew what it felt like to go on the potty, he was out of diapers for good, THAT DAY, and even at night to my surprise.
The other thing we discovered early on was that he wasn't comfortable on a small potty training chair, so we got him a soft seat to fit on the big potty. He was more willing to sit on that and it's a simple fix, so don't overlook the little things.

I've potty trained three kids so far, each has been different. First, August is a long way away for preschool, so don't worry. My last boy to potty train potty trained 2 days before he turned 4. At 3 1/2, I finally asked, "When do you plan to go on the potty," and he said when he was 4. Two days before his birthday he started *on his own*. My other son was good at peeing on the potty, but would poop in his pants. I gave him the choice of pooping on the potty or going in a diaper, and he chose a diaper. He'd even bring me one when it was time. He'd go, I'd change him, and talk about what a big boy he was for not going in his pants. Eventually he went on the potty. Lastly, my oldest daughter took a long time when she'd go on the potty, so I would bring in a little tv with a movie, or a record player, so she was entertained for as long as it took. No tears! Good luck--eventually they all go on the potty.

I was just talking with a friend of mine yesterday about this topic. She has a boy and is still giving him M&M's for going poopie in the potty (has been doing it for a year now). Just keep doing what you are doing and it will become a habit. And remember that they are usually only in preschool for 1/2 a day...he probably won't be having accidents at preschool. Hope this helps! Hang in there! :)

He will probably respond like my son did (my son also liked peeing standing up, starting with camping).

We used language like "poop is icky and we only want it in the potty" "Don't poop in the living room" (many times he would come to let us know he had to go, but never get around to saying something.) "Aw, bummer.What a mess!" (rinsing him in the bathtub, usually in uncomfortably cold water, after a tp wipe-up) and "Are you going to poop in the potty today?" (after which he might sit and try, but even if nothing happened I'd give him lots of praise.) "Yay! You did it! Fantastic! I'm so proud of you! Daddy is proud of you! Sister is proud of you! Everybody is so proud of you!"

He's now to the point where he will go into the bathroom on his own and wait until he is all done before he calls for wiping help. He thrives on telling me how he did it just right and am I proud of him?

For us, it was all in the language.

It's a possibility that he is afraid to poop in the potty. It might be painful, as he may have hard poops. Sitting on the potty trying to strain through a hard poop hurts, and maybe that could be the case? Try giving him apple juice, dried fruits, etc. to try to soften his poop if that is the case.
If not, start a sticker chart. After he gets so many stickers, reward him with a trip to wal mart and a $5 toy. Is there a candy that he just loves? Like M&M's? Maybe try that he gets 1 M&M for going pee, and two M&M's for going poop.
I hope that helps!

We took our sone to the Dr. because he would not use to potty and were just about ready to take him to the kiddy shrink. the Dr. told me that 25% of 2 yr olds, 50% of 3 yr olds and only 75% of 4 yr olds are potty trained. He had poopy trouble for a whole year. (mind you that his sister was born right after he turned three) I was at my wits end and the DR just kept telling me that it would all work out. potty time is one of the very few things kids this age are in full control of. I'm kinda a tough guy at my house and it came down to my son wanting to go to a birthday party for a little boy who was turning four a month before my boy turned four and I told my son that if he had any poppy accidents that whole week leading up to the party we would not go and he never had a problem again with the potty that was three years ago and nver another accident not in bed at night or ever. hang in there sister it will work out.

When my son turned 3 we started training ... like you said peeing is easy specially when they see dad do it, number 2 is always difficult cause they don't actually see what is going on. Bribery was the only thing that worked for me. I went to Walmart and bought one of those hot wheel packages that had 25 cars in it. And he would only get one if he went poop in the potty. Worked like a charm. I only went through 2 boxes then didn't have to bribe anymore .... now my son is almost 4 and goes all the time by himself. He still has issues waking up in the middle of the night to go pee but never goes poop in bed. Sometimes when he is heavily distracted he gets a little lazy and accidents will happen, patience is key, explain its not acceptible and I have him clean himself.

Let him do it on his own. My sister in law has a boy that is 5 and has just decided to potty train. I hated going potty as a child and so as a result I have horrible constipation. Plus it is not worth it don't rush it, let him do it on his own terms. Meanwhile keep him in a pull up.

My son HATED the potty. The psycology behind it is boys are very "attached to their bodily functions". At least this is what our pediatrition told me.
I started a bribe system too. He would get a 'money" every time he went on the potty. One for pee and two for poop. He could save the money for the next time we went to the store, or he could put it in a little gumball machine that we had filled with m&ms. It took about 3 months. You do have to start a routine with the toilet. We had "just woke up pee-pees," "After Meal Potty." Before nap etc etc. Especially before bed potties.
He did better when we would put the little potty next to the big one and he would "go" with daddy. Seeing a "big boy" do it always helps.
With preschool, don't be worried, they are there to help with this process. If they want him potty trained before hand and are not willing to help with this process, then it's best to find a more caring environment.
As for being trained at 18 months, that is so rare and silly because children don't really know what's happening to them at that age.
I hope it helps. Just hang in there, know that you are not alone, and that it just takes time.

I would just keep doing what you are doing, bribery is a good tool, keep reminding him and if he has an accident make sure he helps clean it up, he is actually old enough to do it himself but I would still help him. And don't worry about the classy part, a lot of friends I know have used the "tree method" to train their boys, pooping always seems to take a little more practice, one of mine told me they didn't like the way it falls, I think he meant it wasn't as close to his body and it felt weird :). One other side note, the earlier you start the easier it is, maybe not 18 months but right around their second birthday I find is a good age, they tend to be more open to the process and a lot less resistant. Good luck!!

Hi T.,

I am a preschool director and want you know this is very normal for kids not to want to poop in the toilet. I can't tell you why exactly, but I can tell you that toileting is one area where children finally feel they are in control of something.

I do suggest that you put him back into pull ups and wait, letting him understand it is up to him when he will use the toilet, but he cannot go to preschool until he uses the toilet because that is what the other kids do. As far as your in laws, they need to be told that he is a child being raised in a different generation, and not all children develop and meet milestones the same. They need to appreciate him for who he is and support him instead of pushing him.

If it helps, my three kids are teenagers and I still believe that potty training was the most stressful situation we've been through, so this is one of your big rocks in parenting.

Good luck!

My friend just went through something similar with her son. He would pee on the potty no problem, but would not poop. She finally started a sticker chart for him. She found something he really wanted (in his case a big pirate set) then told him when he filled his sticker chart, he could get the pirate set. He started pooping in the potty immediately, and hasn't had one accident.

Elmo has a potty time game: http://www.sesameworkshop.org/sesamestreet/games/pottytime/
flash.php?contentId=16805504

I try to use the same terms Elmo uses when I'm talking to my boy about potty stuff. Whatever you give your son for going pee in the potty, double it for going poop in the potty. (so if he does both, he'll get 3!)

My sis-in-law just put diapers on her daughter once a day so she'd get the poop out. she grew out of that phase on her own.

In the meantime, give your son apple juice/fresh pineapple/dried plumbs(my kids beg for dried plumbs) so he won't have to deal with constipation.

My son was the same way. He learned to pee by doing it outside (wich ultimately let to a couple peeing in the bush issues at daycare..)but, he was between 3 1/2 and 4 and one day, he just went into the potty and pooped. On his terms. He's going to start to understand the "stinky" in his undies and he'll just go in there. You may want to make a note of the time he is pooping in general - my son was pretty routine...so I would just make sure he was near a bathroom. You aren't doing anything wrong. All kids are different. My youngest who is now six potty trained herself before she was two. Good luck. And, don't sweat it. It'll probably just happen.