4 Year Old Out of Control!

It's funny what are ideas about out of control are--she seems like a normal 4 year old who wants her mommy and maybe something has made her question not wanting to be a VBS. It could be as simple as not liking one of the adults or kids or it could be something more. She's 4--she's old enough that I think you can sit down with her and talk with her really honestly. It could just be the change of pace was too much. Some are more sensitive than others. Kids are perceptive and something or someone could be scaring her. But I wouldn't say she's out of control--just going through a phase and you need to respect her feelings. Ignore your neighbors and even those at church. Anyone with a child should understand each one has different needs, as well as good days and bad. You're doing a great job. Hang in there!

for now I would just give in and let her be with you all the time if need be. This will pass and it's certainly not worth torturing her. During her teenage years she will remember how you treated her now, and even if it doesn't seem mean to you she will remember it with the emotion she is feeling. Better to be a parent and friend than a possible future enemy.

B., I am certainly not an expert, but perhaps something happened to her at vacation bible school. Frankly, you cannot be too careful--I know from experience. When my daughter was 3 years old, the son of a very good friend exposed himself to her. Fortunately, she immediately told us. But, we had some difficulty with her for a while. Similar to what you discuss. Little kids are very sensitive and they seem to know that something is not right. It could also be something as simple as one of the other children saying something that really hurt her feelings. I guess I would sit down and talk to her to see if she will tell you what is going on. You never know, it may be nothing. She may just be a 4 year old girl! Good luck.

I am not an expert either, but have worked with preschoolers off and on for a long time at both church and secular settings. I have noticed that sometimes when moms pull their kids out of a class while they are crying and out of control that the child learns that if I cry hysterically, my mom will rescue me. Even if things aren't really that bad, they will want to see how much crying will get them rescued. And sometimes what happens is that you have inadvertantly reset their tolerance clock. The child may have been fine and could be away from you with someone else like dad or grandma or even a teacher, but now the child thinks that you are the only one who can soothe them. The more you give in to the screaming and tantrums, the more their clock is reset to you only and right now.

It is possible that something happened at VBS that was upsetting or traumatizing, but part of raising our kids to become independent individuals is to help them cope with and become reliant on others not just their moms. Even though we as moms just want to rescue our kids, be careful not to make it a manipulation. It is ok to rescue as long as the problem isn't chronic and out of control. This seems like a little of both. Talk with her about what she might do instead of crying and screaming. I know she is four and some might say she is too young. I don't think so. My son is four and he can articulate what he needs to do about certain situations.

I am a huge believer in the Love and Logic parenting strategies. Two great cds to listen to are how to raise responsible children and the Helicopters, Drill Sargeants and Consultants Parents. They teach a problem solving strategy that helps our kids own their own problems and it puts you into an empathetic, loving and consulting position.

Good Luck.

I don't know what VBS is, but are the same people teaching it as do the preschool? Are they screened/background checked? I don't think this is manipulation, I would be concerned something happened. My cousin was once "prayed" over during circle time for not taking turns and was tramatized over it for weeks...You need to get her to talk to you or your dr.
4 year old girls are tough, but she seems scared!

R.

Hello, It sounds like she is having a bit of anxiety. It happens quit often. Talk to her dr about it. Sometimes a bit of counseling will work wonders. :) We have been dealing with this with our almost 8 year old for a couple months. I had enough last week and told him it was enough. He was going to therapy with no fits or he would spend the time in the corner at home. He all of a sudden seems to be over it ;) Though don't get me wrong his couseler and therapists have been working on it too. Without them it might have drug on forever. Good Luck

B.,

My guess is that your daughter experienced something (perhaps a dream, perhaps a conversation) that makes her worry that you will not be by her side. What I advise is that you talk to her and reassure her that though there are times that you will be separate from her, you will always be back. Instead of being embarrased, try seeing life from her point of view. Listen to what she is saying.

With my whole heart, C.

Hi B.,
Ive heard that this is a somewhat common behavior in children around this age. Some say it's because this is the time that children start to understand that people sometimes leave and don't come back, in other words they've heard about death and it scares them. Has someone close to you or to her recently passed away? That doesn't have to be the case but it can make the behavior more severe. My advice would be to seek guidance on how to explain to your daughter that while death is a part of life, you are healthy (if you are) and plan to be around for a long time. If that's not the issue try talking to her about why she's afraid of not being with you all the time. I hope this helps.

The only thing I can think is she has had nightmares about losing you. My 4 year old son has done some similar things as your daughter, but not to that extreme.

Is it possible that they have been talking about death with the children at the VBS? That could make feelings of losing you come out in an extreme way.

I know when we talked about it around my house, because of a family member being very ill, my 4 year old went through a stage of wanting me around all the time. Good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

I think that I would be concerned about what happened at bible school. It may be that something minor happened and an adult could be able to deal with it but a child can't. Maybe it is an image that is constantly in her head. I can remember that we used to have lessons on a flannel board in bible school and some of the images were scary to me. Next time she starts her little fits just pick her up and hug her and reassure her that mommy will be there for her. Ask her questions like, "Has someone hurt you?" "What bible stories did you learn" It could be as simple as another little kid pushed her down or hit her.

My son (same age) gets rather clingy off and on. I've noticed that it is better now that he is not in preschool 3 days a week and gets to be home with me every day.
I think sometimes we forget how really young they are. You are still her whole world -- and for 5 days in a row that world was pretty unstable. She may just be looking for some more stability. Remind her that you love her. That you will always come back for her. And give her more hugs and physical contact.
I know that when they are clingy all day long that it can get overwhelming, but really try to meet all her physical needs for touch for a few days. Then, see if she wants to talk about it. It is possible something happened at VBS that really scared her (talk of heaven/hell/death/flood/??? -- I'm LDS so I'm not sure what they cover there). It's not that I think they were trying to scare her, but 4 year olds have a way of hearing things differently than they were meant. If you can help her to feel safe and secure with you again then she can open up about what the problem is.
Good luck to you!

My advice only works IF she is close to age five and IF you have been talking to her about all the cool stuff she'll get to do at age five, such as go to kindergarten, learn to read, learn to ride a bike, move up in Sunday School, etc.

Most children have a big behavioral "freak out" when they're turning five (right before, right after...either way). It's because they are older and have a cognitive awareness that their life is about to change quite a bit, but they don't have the knowledge that they're going to be able to handle and do all the cool stuff that everytbody is talking to them about. So they freak out. Sometimes they desperately want to be mommy's baby again so they don't have to face their scary future.

As they learn to do these new things one at a time, they gain confidence in their abilities, and they calm down.

My advice to anybody w/a 4-yr-old is NOT to talk excitedly about these age-5 events, because it backfires. Let it all happen quietly without a lot of discussion.

Hi B. - I know! We're with them all day, you would think they would want a break from us!

Sounds like a pretty normal 4-yr old freak-out. It's all about trying to control your behavior so that you dont leave her again. Considering that is completely impossible and she has school next year, she needs to re-learn that she will be ok for a while without you. She probably picked up on the separation anxieties of another child at VBS and then validated it in her mind when you didnt arrive at the exact second she wanted you to be there.

Give her lots and lots of love when she when she comes out of the tantrum. Validate her feelings. Have daddy invite you to come along at bedtime. Talk to her about how she is feeling and let her know it's okay to miss mom but that you're not going anywhere. Reassure her that you promise to always come back. Remind her how much her daddy loves her and likes to spend time with her at bedtime since he is at work all day.

Prepare her for times you are going to be separated like for Sunday School. Keep it short at first. Be the first parent in the pick up line or pick her up early. Let her hold something of yours for you that you need back when you pick her up. Don't be afraid to set expectations for behavior. It's okay to tell her that there are times she just needs to keep it all together. Bribe her like there is no tomorrow. (while she is still calm and rational) Let her choose an activity she can do with you afterwards if she is able to go in to class and participate with a freakout.

It's hard when our little ones want us and we are ready for separation! I wonder if you allow her to be with you more now, if the anxiety will just dissipate? Stay with her at bed time. Stay with her in Sunday School. Sometimes our presence can bridge the gap. When she trusts that you "get it," then start talking about what a big girl she is and how much fun she'll have, and start leaving a bit earlier. I think it's just a stage. Yes, she'll outgrow it even if you force the issue, but showing love and understanding rather than forcing separation is a kind way until she outgrows it. Good luck!

All of mine get like this occasionally. It turns out that they need my attention at those times. I find that even though I'm a SAHM, I have so many other interests (in and out of the home) that there are days when I get to evening and realize that all I did with my kids is put them off all day. Don't get me wrong, my children are well cared for, fed, held, loved, but some days, they don't get enough "mommy time" and that makes all the difference.

B.,

Goodness! I read this right after I dropped my 5 year old at VBS lol. Fortunately my aunt is his group leader and he has a cousin in his group, so I feel ok!

I would talk to your daughter about what happened. The same thing happened when my son was 3 about a month before he turned 4. He loved going to daycare and playing with the kids. Then one day, he started having freak outs when I would take him. It lasted about a week. He would scream and cry for me not to go, and it was awful. I had to leave to take him 10 minutes earlier, JUST so I can give him extra hugs before I left. One day I went to take him and I saw the 2 school age boys pushing a 2 year old girl around! As soon as I walked in and saw that the teacher saw and went over there, but it clicked in my head. The school age kids were in there with the toddlers before school sometimes and I had just witnessed them picking on a kid??? Is that what is going on with my son? So I spoke with the teacher and she said that some of the big kids had been mean to the younger ones and they had plans to separate them again the next day. They had someone quit unexpectedly, so the kids were split up and distributed between classes before the bus came. I talked to my son and asked him if the big kids were mean to him, and he said yes they pushed him down and they took his toys and they made his friends cry. The next day when I took him there were no big kids in the room and I pointed that out to him. He still cried and clung to me, but he stopped that after a few days of being "big kid free". You should talk to your daughter about what happened. Someone might have been mean to her, so now she associates that with church.

He also did the no Sunday school thing with my mom. If she took him to church, he would pull away and refuse to go. Grandma would take him in the family room with her so she could hear the message, but it was distracting. That was all about the will power struggle. I know that lasted a few months before finally she told him he had to go to class, or she wouldn't take him to church anymore. That meant he couldn't go to her house and spend the night! That changed his mind!

With the nights, I too experienced that with my son. He didn't get hysterical, but he would cry that he didn't want to be alone. He was 4, and it was around the time his little sister was born. First it was he wanted me or dad, then it was just mom, then he went through a phase of just dad. He said he was scared to be all alone (by this time I had became a full time SAHM). We started a ritual every night that after he would get tucked in, I would turn on his night light and stand outside his open door. I would call out his name and ask if he could hear me. Then I would go farther and ask. After I got to the living room I would call to him again. For awhile, he would call for me and I would go back to the door and tell him I was right there. After he settled down, dad and I took turns checking on him till he fell asleep. He knew we were there and that made him feel better.

The best thing is to really talk to her and try to figure out what happened. It could have been a mean kid, a different teacher than her Sunday school, or even the teacher was harsh with her. Something happened. Make sure she knows that even at church you can be there. Possibly volunteer for her class a couple times? Its a drag for you but you can see the other kids and the way they interact. Once you think you have it figured out, try again to leave her. Good luck!

V.

I'd be more concerned about what happened while she was at VBS....what scared her so badly that she doesn't feel safe anymore? If she's well used to going to school and bible study then its concerning when 'all of a sudden' she's acting out.

My advice is to talk to her, ask open ended questions and get her to talk to you. Or if not you, someone. Sometime kids get scared from things that we think are mundane, but to them are really big. Don't pooh-pooh it. You need to acknowledge the fear so she'll fell as if she's being heard and understood. And Bible stories can be down right horrendous for young kids (kids being floated down a river away from mommy lest they be killed, images of torture and persecution, etc).

Kids usually don't go ballistic without a good reason. I'd probe to find out what her reason is. GL!