4 Year Old Lying

Hi A., My oldest daughter went through this stage also. I believe it was sibling rivalry, but don't make excuses for her behavior. What I did and it worked, was pretended I didn't believe anything she said the rest of the day after I caught her in a lie. I told her that when people lie, others can't trust them to tell the truth. When she realized that her lying back-fired on her she didn't like it. It took a few weeks of being consistent with this method but it worked. She is now 25 and is one of the most honest people I know. Good luck. S.

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I don't think 4 year olds lie, They tell stories, I think lying back is not a good idea. Its like hitting a hitter. We had a little problem same age (now 13) We were advised and did: acknowledged the lie, expressed disapproval, asked for apologies, and forgave when he did. Sounds like she's wielding power (which is a natural thing for a 4 year old to try to do). I'd show her it doesn't work by verifying all her claims, acknowledging when she's truthful and give her another way to be powerful and influential. Try to read her The Boy Who Cried Wolf weekly!

Most kids go through this between the ages of 4 and 5. Children that young aer exploring reality vs imagination. I don't quite think it's a lie yet because to her it may be something much more simple. Kids that age LIKE to get a reaction from adults and will say just about anything. Taking away her privledges may not be the way to go. I think it's just a lesson that comes to children as they grow and mom and dad to LOTS of explaining of the importance of not making things up.

My 4yr old daughter told Gramma that I ran over a PERSON in the bank parking lot. She's constantly telling me things that aren't true and we have to talk about it and I ask "Did that really happen or are you just thinking it in your mind?" She'll think for a minute and then say "I was just thinking it". I do tell her the importance of telling the truth... telling how things really are and not imagination world. Good Luck.

If I suspect that one of my kiddos is not telling me the truth I ask them if what they are saying is "right". They seem to understand the difference between right and wrong BEFORE they understand the difference between truth and lie.
I also stress the fact that even if mommy doesn't see it. The Angels do...
If its something that YOU know isn't true, just look at them with that dissapproving mom look and say now thats not right. If you know there are issues with honesty or perception, don't jump right on the kid they are "telling on" until you have proof. MAKE THEM SHOW YOU THE BROKEN TOY AND HOW IT GOT BROKE> WHERE PEOPLE WERE ETC... Become a detective. If the stories don't jive and you don't think there was ill intent on the part of the tellie, then just make a broad statement, oh, we gotta be more careful. And drop it. #1 is you don't want to train the older that she can get a reaction by lying on the younger...
If you know that there is a lie happening, then seclude the child. Tell her that you don't think thats "right",Send her to her room, make her sit on the sofa, In the time out chair... etc... Then make her appologize to you and the angels for hurting your ears with a lie. (Saying something not right, Or something you come up with)BUT DON"T SAY NO, YOUR WRONG... YOUR wrong is different than what your SAYING is wrong... Thank them when they tell you the truth and remember, telling the truth trumps the action... So even if they do something they need to be punished for, calmly thank them for telling you the truth and explain to them that they still need to be punished for doing the wrong, but you are happy that they told the right thing so they won't get as much in trouble...

Thats just what we do... If the result of the action is not what they expect it to be, they adjust...

My sitter who is a grandma says that almost all kids start telling tall tales at this age, my own daughter who is 4.5 is starting to tell lies as well.

Does the lying always involve your younger son?

A real sticky problem. But I'd sure try the "Crying Wolf" explanation. If she keeps doing this no one will believe her when she really IS telling the truth.

Hold her accountable. When she's been caught in a lie, have her retract it to that person. 'Grandma, it wasn't true that my brother's allergic to honey'. "Mom he really didn't bite anyone".

Tell her you love her but absolutely hate when she tells things that aren't true. It could be she's trying to feel grown up and communicative, but just doesn't get the facts right. Or wants lots of attention she thinks she'll get by telling fantasy stories.

I'd have an 'on-hand' disciplinary measure to use when/if it continues.

Later on, maybe she'll be able to use her imagination in writing or screenplay. But this is not good.

She sounds like she has a big imagination. Give her a creative outlet, such as writing stories (do not worry if they are unreadable) to experss her thoughts.

Many kids do this at about this age and grow out of it. I like the "Cry Wolf" suggestions. Kids respond well to role playing with toys. Especially when their favorite toys are playing the parts of the sheep.

Good luck with this I have a 8 1/2 year old that has been telling stories and lying since he was 3 1/2. I have not been able to change this or correct it. But I also have the problem of my ex lies all the time and his half sister do the a same.

Every single one of my children so far at that age goes through a lying phase. It doesn't go away overnight (some still did it after a year or more.) But do know that she is perfectly normal and it won't last forever if you are consistent.
We always had a consequence, like missing the activity they were lying about or going to bed early if it was happening at night. We also tried to be aware of giving the child an "OUT". By saying DID YOUR BROTHER BITE THEM? OR DID YOU DO THIS when you know they did, puts them in a place to defend themselves. Children (and sometimes adults) LIE to get out of trouble. This is what they do. It is disappointing,but normal. So, try not to get info from them that could put them in a place to lie.
We also, try to persuade them with... "I'll go check with MOMMY right now and see if that is true, or DADDY or the DAYCARE.... etc." A lot of times they back right down with the truth. They back down when they know they will have to sit out from the rest of the family or movie or game.
They even lie about washing their hands. So instead of asking if they washed their hands, I usually say, "Do you want to check if you washed your hands, just in case you forgot?" Wouldn't you know 3/4 of the time it sends them scurrying back to the bathroom.
We do not PERMIT lying, we just try not to put them in a situation to LIE MORE like this age does. They are so convincing aren't they?
I hope this can help with this aggravating phase.
I have 5 nearing 6 children...unfortunately I know that I have a couple more "lying phases" to go through.
Sorry I just noticed I wrote this under my mother in laws profile...Mine is Rachael M from Michigan.

Hi A.,

It sounds like she is looking for attention. You may have to go over with her again and again why telling the truth is so important. And rather than punish the lies, be sure to employ positive reinforcement of good behavior -- praise and shower attention for telling the truth.

Also, check with your local library and ask the children's librarian for books that might be good to read with her about this. I'm sure Berenstain Bears and others have addressed it. There's always "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."

Best of luck to you.

S.

Hi A.,

If you are looking for a more solid approach, I recommend finding a children's Bible or a book on character building (maybe google this). When a child learns at an early age that God likes and expects from us and we teach this over and over (of course, I would start with teaching them about God first, because they have to have respect for Him) and then of course, when we fall short, we must also teach that we can ask for forgiveness and also for wisdom and help to change. Hope this helps if you are open to it and maybe you already know this. Parenting is a big challenge and nobody's perfect -- hopefully she won't have to learn about it the hard way -- repetition, training, patience and prayers all work in the end!

L. O.

Hi A. ~ I too have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son...neat...anyway my daughter is also doing this. Her's are sometimes a bit strange (about a month ago she told the hair dresser that I only feed her on Tuesdays!?) and sometimes their about her behavior (like when she is asked if she hid the camera, to which she'll reply "NO", even though no one else in the family is going to stick it in the back of HER closet and bury it under a bunch of clothes!?) After a little digging on the subject (although at the moment I can't remember where I read it) it is believed that at this age children don't understand the concept of lying. To them if they want something to be so...it just is...even if it really isn't so when I ask her about the camera it's "no mommy I didn't hide the camera or no mommy I didn't do it but Isaac did" Anyway I just try to counter act it, so if she tells me she didn't hide the camera I will say ok, but if you know where it is I'd appreciate if you'd bring it to me because I need it...which usually ends in her running upstairs and retreiving it...LOL. I think the article I read stated that the kids are closer to 7 before they truly understand and can comprehand the concept of lying, as we as adults understand it. If I can find that article I'll send a link.
-M.

My son just turned four in march and he just started to do this too. I have no clue why and how to stop it. It drives me crazy and he will deny lying.

My five year old is just getting over this phase. He would lie about his chores or behaviors. "I didn't say or do that" or "the toy room is all clean" when it wasn't. He also told the daycare provider that when our baby cried, my husband and I would hit her upside the head.

With the little lies, I would have him look me in the eye and then I would ask him the question again. If he said "No" again, I would say "Ok, but if I go in there and I find ....., you will have to stand in the corner." He would usually fess up. With the big one, I explained to him what could happen to us if people really believed that we hurt the baby. He said that he didn't know that could happen. Then he felt horrible.

We always made a big deal about telling the truth and reassuring him that he wouldn't be punished if he told the truth, even if he was caught in a lie. As long as he told the truth, he wasn't punished. Then we switched it over to, "I'm glad you told the truth. Thank you. Now that we have talked about this and you know that it was a lie, you will get in trouble next time because now you know." He hasn't lied in a couple months. (Majorly anyway.)Good Luck!

I'm an SLP too. Maybe it's not a lie, maybe it's a "processing problem." (Wink, wink!) I work in a K-1 building. My #1 referral is the 5 year old with a processing problem. :)