22 answers

4 Year Old Attend Wake/funeral? Miss Preschool Camp?

My hubby's grandma died. She was very old and has been sick for awhile, one thing after another. Anyways, I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. The wake and funeral will probably be this week. My dd knew her, but they were not really close, she would give her a hug at a holiday get togethers, that kind of thing. Of course we will be explaining death to her in our own way. We are not very religious and won't be doing the whole "angel in heaven" thing, no offense but that is just not what we believe. Here's my dilemma, my 4 year old just started a week long preschool summer camp. This week only. The wake/funeral is 2 hours away and we are expected to stay overnight (already got an email from MIL saying where we would sleep). I am considering leaving my 4 year old with my parents so that A. she can continue to go to preschool since she only goes for 5 days (this is where she will be going to preschool in sept, so I want her to get used to it) and B. I am not comfortable with her going to a wake, I feel she is too young and very sensitive and I don't really want her to view the body. I am afraid my MIL may be upset if I don't bring her. If we do go, we would be expected to take her to both the wake and funeral or we would be criticized by the rest of the family (it doesn't take much).
What would you do?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Being she has preschool camp to help jump start her for starting preschool. I say leave her behind. Otherwise I would have taken her. And I would use that as the excuse of leaving her behind.

4 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

I'd let her go to camp. Honestly, it will be easier for you to manage without her that day.

Who cares what the family thinks. They should be focusing on the grandmother that day. And if they say something to you - remind them of that.

1 mom found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

More Answers

Sorry for your hubby's loss.

Leave her with your mom if that is an option. 4 yo's don't necessarily understand what is going on and funerals are boring. She wlll be happier. and you and your husbnad will be much less stressed knowing she is being taken care of and having fun.

4 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

Being she has preschool camp to help jump start her for starting preschool. I say leave her behind. Otherwise I would have taken her. And I would use that as the excuse of leaving her behind.

4 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

Funerals are for the living to say good-bye. Since your daughter has a relationship with Great-Grandma she should have the chance to say good-bye. I think a lot of the fear surrounding death is because children do not get exposed to funerals. Children need to understand that death is a part of life, no being lives forever. Death is not something to be feared any more than any other part of life. It is the transition from physical living to spiritual living.
Is there a chance that you can change the week she goes to camp? I would contact the pre-school and ask that she be switched to a different week.
My condolences to your family.

3 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

I believe if your daughter had a close, personal attachment it would be one thing. But she is 4, and from what you said, does not have a close, personal attachment to her great-grandmother. I would not bring her then, and let her enjoy her time at camp and with your mother. Your attention should be on your husband and his family, not worrying about your 4 year old during a wake and funeral.

2 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

Don't skip the camp she's 4.. she'll have the rest of her life to learn about funerals. I hope people can post on your question and not your beliefs.. not very often I come across moms that have views similar to mine :). You obviously paid for this camp, your daughter needs it and a 4 year old at a funeral is not fun. If your MIL says anything tell her to butt out. Kidding. Just say that you paid for a camp and it's important she gets acquainted with her new school and your parents want to keep her. Tell her you don't want to subject her to all the emotional stuff a funeral comes with and thats that.

2 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

I also don't exactly get why you feel she is too young to understand the death and funeral aspect. My son is 4 years old, and understands what death is and why we go to a funeral. Kids are more perceptive than people give them credit for. While I understand the wake part- I have always thought it was creepy- the funeral is different. It's not about her understanding what is going on- it's about family and being a supportive family. Maybe your husband can go down for the wake, and you come down the next day for just the funeral. Maybe that would be a good compromise? That way she only misses a partial day of camp?

2 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

Personally, preschool camp or no preschool camp, I would take her to the funeral. It isn't college orientation. It's preschool, and your daughter will adjust when she gets there in September just as well as if you let her go to this camp. I also think it could be a valuable learning lesson on "sometimes, we have to give up things we want to do to do things we ought to do". But that's just me.

At 4, she's plenty old enough to handle the concept of death and the fact that Great-Grandma is gone. I think families that don't take their children to funerals until they are much older do them a disservice. It distances them from death, and not in a good way. Seeing it first hand takes a lot of the mystery and fear out of it.

You have to do what's right for your family. What I said is what would be right for mine.

2 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

I think it would be appropriate to leave her behind. She is too small to fully understand what is going on and I think it's important to get her used to her preschool before she goes. I think that you should just explain these things to your MIL just like you did here. Good luck, it's hard dealing with the in laws at times, but it sounds like your plan would be best for her!!

2 moms found this helpful

Helpful? Yes | No Report This

Next question: Take 2 Year Old to Grandmother's Viewing?

Related Questions

Related Questions

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Cancel Login
Forgot Password?
Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
Cancel Login