Having lots of trouble with my daughter's behavior in preschool. She just started a new program, but is showing the same behavior she showed at her previous place (we changed to a preschool program at the school she'll attend for kindergarten, and where her brother already attends 2nd grade). She is bright, and wants to write letters and do so many things her peers were not yet doing at her previous school, so we thought the change would be good and would keep her more challenged. The main problem is that she doesn't respect and talks back to teachers, and sometimes pushing or being a bit of a bully to other kids. The girl refuses to nap (but does on occasion), so I'm sure there is some sleep deprivation (but she goes to bed easily at 8, but gets up after about 10 hrs, which I'm thinking isn't enough when not napping). When she turned 4 in June, I asked her dr about her behavior then, and he thought it was just typical for the age. Now that the behavior is still going on, and now that we're in the school system where there is free support systems, I asked if a social worker or psychologist could sit in on the class to see if there are other ideas. So the social worker came Friday, but saw now problems since she was an angel at that time! So I think she'll be coming back again. I just hope there is some magic thing we can do, but am afraid there won't be. She plays well at home (has normal sibling spats) and with neighbor friends, so it seems to be mostly not wanting to conform to what teachers/adults are telling her. We've done everything from yelling, one-on-one talking, to taking away all her toys (and having to earn them back one by one, which we're still working on). My son is such a sweet kid--not near the problems we've had with her in the past year. Is this just a normal girl problem??
Just to add some more info: her pushing and territorial behavior occurs when others enter her space, not the other way around, and the transitions seem to be hardest for her (like when I had to put away something she was working on in order to go home, she absolutely freaked out).
I'm going to place my bets on her needing more sleep than 10 hours. My daughter acts just like that when she's sleep deprived. If you can't get her to take a nap, perhaps a 7 pm bedtime?
Good Luck
I think the magic that you seek is in your own releasing and relaxation. You sound like a very attentive Mom and your girl is lucky to have you. You can only tell her how her behavior makes you feel when she does it to you (or possibly through sibling teaching moments). The upshot of her entering the system is the social education. If she bullies- she won't be liked (only temporarily- I promise). The peer pressure can work positively if you comfort her and talk to her about her choices. The teachers can and will fend for themselves. This must just be her way of attempting to control her new situation- she'll find other ways to assert herself. Emotionally coach her by acknowledging she may feel afraid and want to keep her work in a certain way- but where can she do this and where must she learn to be flexible? Help her to decide by only sharing your awareness of Her challenge.
Best of luck!
Do you have a regular 'date night' with your daughter each week (go to dinner just the two of you, and/or some sort of activity outside of the home for the two of you together)? She might see that as a reward for her good behavior at school all week. Seems to me she knows how to behave, she just isn't choosing to behave. Give her a reward like the one I suggested, something she can look forward to each Thursday (or whatever night) after mommy gets home from work....or not if she misbehaves more than behaves. Less expensive ideas might include getting to go pet the animals at the animal shelter on Saturday afternoons, feeding the ducks at the lake/river, or pack up a rock-painting picnic and take it to the park. Just an idea.
Hi, I just want to say that every child is different, learns at different times and isn't going to always do the same as your first child. I think she is acting out because maybe she just doesn't want to be there, too many changes are so hard for little kids, remember she is only 4, changes should ALWAYS be done gradually, I don't know how you could yell at a 4 year old for things that she is doing in school, how is that going to help her?? It is only going to make it more frustrating for her. Try not to expect so much out of such a little person:)
I don't know many 4 year olds who still do nap. While I worked as assistant director at the main day care in town (7 years), raised 3 children and took care of neices and nephews, only a few 4 year olds still napped, rested maybe but did not go to sleep. Four year olds are getting ready for school and need their mind challenged. She is wanting to do more then others her age are ready for, shows how bright she is. Teachers don't always challenge these children and sooner or later they get bored, which is when the behavior problems start. Find out what the teacher does to challenge your daughter's learning and what can be done to challenge her while others are trying to catch up. My daughter learned all her letters and numbers and sounding out the letters in preschool and wanted to read so bad, but her kindergarten teacher wouldn't work with her on that and taught mostly letters and numbers and didn't even touch the reading so she was totally bored in Kindergarten. Then in first grade they reviewed what they learned in Kindergarten for the first 9 weeks of school. My daughter was so bored that she started reversing her letters just for something different, making her teachers think she was dyslexic, I knew better because she didn't reverse them in preschool or kindergarten. When they got to more challenging work, she did much better. This is probably the same problem your daughter is having but instead of finding different ways of challenging herself, she is showing her displeasure. My daughter probably would have done that also but she was one who hated to be in trouble at school until she was 17 and then it became her middle name.
Your teachers need to handle the talking back and such and you reinforce it at home. They should have an awards system going, stickers for days that she didn't interupt, talk back or bully others. At home you should have something special for her when she behaves well in school. Stickers adding up to a ice cream or movie date. This rewards good behavior and encourages it. If she back talks you at home, you need to put a stop to that since she is figuring it is ok behavior and doesn't see what difference it makes between home or school or any authority figures. Don't feel she is a bad kid, a lot of kids back talk adults, they just haven't learned it wasn't ok, or know it isn't but it gets them the attention they want so don't care.
keep your chin up, this too shall pass
I would start to watch her diet more carefully. My granddaughter is ADD/ADHD and the food additive MSG is horrible for kids with ADD or ADHD. My granddaughter can become violent and just have what we call meltdowns and she cries, won't listen, acts out, hits.. Your daughter could be having a reaction to a certain food item milk - wheat - sugar - artificial sweeteners or colors or flavors. As a parent you need to start listing what she eats and how her behavior changes or doesn't change. Then start a process of taking foods out of her diet and adding them back in and documenting her behavior patterns. This may not be the whole answer but it might lead in a direction. Talk to her doctor and don't let them poo-poo you ideas. You know your child best.
This could be typical 4 yr old behavior, but to me she just sounds strong willed =) Give her time to adjust to being in the classroom and remember that those teachers have had their share of kids like yours (and worse!). They know what to do and pretty soon she'll be behaving like she should.
I agree with much of what has been said in the previous 3 posts. Along with those comments, I would strongly encourage you to be aware of and/or experiment with what it is she's eating.
Kids' behavior can change dramatically when the right foods are eliminated. The tough part is that each child is different, so you don't know exactly what food it might be.
I've found that casein (protien in milk other than lactose/whey) has an effect on my 3 boys. I'm still trying to figure out if dyes do, too. I've learned that as a whole, dyes are the first things we should eliminate from their diets. No easy task! But it could make a world of difference. It may even be just one color in particular. Also, your child may have a yeast issue. When you feed this particular child sugar, sugar feeds yeast, and the behavior continues to get worse.
From the looks of what you're saying, it seems that perhaps she's getting 'the wrong food' at particular times in the day, and not necessarily every day.
I would caution that a typical pediatrician may not support these findings. Physicians aren't required to have nutritional training. You may want to find a nutritionist, or perhaps a DAN! Dr., or even someone in holistic medicine to speak with.
Just a thought.
Good luck,
J.
www.mychoice.myarbonne.com
There's no magic - just setting limits and enforcing them while instilling character in you child that will help her self-limit in the future. I highly recommend reading What the Bible Says About Child Training by Fugate and putting it into practice before she is too old to control. The school will try and help, but respect will never come from working with social workers or psychologists - you need good rules, consistency and a reason for your little one to want to behave in a healthy, polite manner. This book will help you.
Retired K-1 teacher, SAHM of seven (four adopted)
She sounds very much like my daughter (who will be 5 in Dec.). She started acting out last year during the beginning of preschool. She said she really liked school, but it was her first year. She is also very smart and a lot of things do not challange her - so she seeks out her own challanges, mostly with me though. We really didn't have problems with her in school, she seemed to be a great student. There were some days that she didn't want to participate with a group activity, but the teacher took her aside later to do that particular thing one-on-one with her and she did fine. My daughter would act out badly at home. Especially with me. And sometimes still does, but I'm more comfortable with the fact that it is normal for this age to do these things. Last year I wasn't sure what was causing her behavior. In fact, I even went so far as to take her to a child psychologist at the time, but she of course passed with flying colors - no problems there. For your dagughter you noted that this is mostly happening at school with lack of respect for teachers. What do they use for discipline there for the children? Is she getting away with this behavior there? Or do they have her sit out on recess time? Maybe you should make some suggestions for them when she acts like this. No recess or no snack unless she behaves and is respectful. As far as the naptime business - I can totally relate. (It sure sounds like our daughters are a lot alike - maybe it is a girl thing!) I still have her take a rest time, even if she doesn't fall asleep. She needs to stay on her bed and lay down and stay quiet for a period of time. I tell her that I will check on her and if she is still awake then I will allow her to get up at that time, but not sooner, and she will frequently come out to see if it's time yet, and I send her back and the time starts over. I feel that even at this age they do need some down time, even if they don't fall asleep. They are so active and their brains are constantly going going going... they need to have a time to rest physically and mentally. Well, if you'd like to exchange any more stories or have any more questions for me - please feel free to e-mail me! Good luck!
All I can say is check out Love and Logic parenting. There are a bunch of books written on it and you can find out more about it at www.loveandlogic.com. It is a wonderful approach to parenting and it has worked well on our strong willed 3 year old from the day we started using it!
I just want to start out saying I think you have a very intelligent child. Now here is the problem with that. They get board, and will start trouble. I and my close friend have had this problem. My friend's child has already reprogramed the teacher's computer, thrown stuff around the class room and bullied other children. I think you need to video tape (if possible) not have someone sit in on the class. Your daughter knows she is being observed, so of course she is going to act like an angle. I want to say you are doing the right thing by acting on this now. Both I and my friend were told to leave it alone they will out grow it. That did not happen for either of us. Yes it is normal behavior for a girl or a boy. I think you need to keep doing what you are doing, it will get through! As long as you keep telling her (and showing) that her behavior will not be accepted you will do just fine. I hope that helps.
Some thoughts...
Does her pushing or seeming to bully come from her personal space being invaded by other kids? Or does she enter their personal space in order to push or bully them? This is a very important distinction. Many bright kids get frustrated at this age by kids who don't understand the concept of personal space, still grab toys without asking, ruin a project she has created, etc. If she is the one invading other kids space then research sensory processing disorder as she may be seeking some sensory inputs that can be met in more positive ways.
In terms of talking back to teachers...again it is important to know when this is occurs. Is it most common during transitions from one activity to the next? Many kids this age struggle with transitions. Bright kids, especially, want more time at a particular task than most preschool teachers allow (they tend to move on when some of the kids are losing interest but this means interrupting other kids who want to continue). What techniques do the teachers use to transition kids? Just verbal warnings or visual timers or what?
There are so many possibilities of what is going on that without specifics it is hard to know what direction to go. Obviously you are concerned enough to feel it is outside the typical behavior of the average 4yo. So it is good for you to pursue some answers. I find peds often poo-poo parents concerns in this area so you are better off talking with her teachers about where she falls in the range. You don't say whether they have concerns as well, but they are your best resource in terms of what direction to go.
