4 1/2 Year Old Won't Poop on Potty

My middle son did the same thing until he was 6 (he is 13 now). Part of his problem was when he did poop he was so constipated it was painful, so he tried to avoid pooping...you can see the viscious cycle there.
For me (I was a single mom of 2 at the time) he had to try to poop before we went anywhere, I fed him fruits to encourage bowl movements (grapes, plums, prunes, etc)when I knew we would be home for a while, and I made him clean himself up and "wash" his soiled underwear in the toilet to rinse the poop off before it would be washed.
It took time.
He isn't pooping in his pants to be willful or disobediant, it probably hurts and he has already told you it is scary. Try to make it less scary for him and less of a punishment. He knows what to do, he just needs to feel empowered and safe doing it.
Blessings to you and yours!

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My now 7 yr old had the same problem! It will get better. My husband was also deployed when he was 3 1/2 and he had lots of problems for almost a year with it hurting and sometimes even bleeding. Our pediatrician recommended lots of water and putting Merilax in his juice every day then as it became easier and more regular, we decreased the Merilax to every other day and just recently in the past few months we have discontinued the Merilax. We still have to make sure he gets enough water, juice and fruit. Try the Merilax, you'll have nothing to lose. It will atleast make it less painful, so that he won't mind going. Continue the praise and rewards when he makes the accomplishment. Good Luck

L.
Mom to 3 boys!

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First, you have to get to the bottom (no pun intented) of the problem. WHY is he scared to sit on the potty??

My EX thought it was hilarious to tell his 5 year old daughter that scorpions would come out of the toilet and bite her but, so she started going poop in her pants and he didn't know why!! DUH!! She would go pee because it would happen really fast, but she would have to sit and wait for the poop,giving the scorpions time to reach her!! Also, she would also NOT go potty at school at all (because she was scared there too) so she would also hold EVERYTHING all day until she got home. Her dad used to hold her on the toilet while she screamed, but she didn't stop being afraid until I convinced DAD to tell the truth about the scorpions and tell her he was sorry for such a horrible joke. Then, she still would only go potty if I sat there with her and held her hand!! She's now 11 and fine!

It could be that one of his friends told him something scary about the toilet or a relative. Explain plumbing to him and tell him how it all works and where it all goes. This might help ease his worries and resolve your problem. Good luck.

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:( Hugs. Just wanted to say that my 4 1/2 year old is still in diapers (well, pullups as she is too big for any diapers now.) I know, it's hard. :( But some kids don't have the maturity yet and with his daddy gone that's probably part of the problem.

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I had a child care child who was 3 who had problems. She held it so long she would have to have an enema to solve the problem. The parents talked to their doctor who said the child was using it as "control". In her trying to learn independence, this was one area she had actual control over. The doctor told them to put her back in diapers and totally ignore all of it, just change her like in the younger days. She potty trained herself in just a few days, and the stress was gone for everyone as soon as they put the diapers back on. I'm not sure if a 4 1/2 old is using the control thing, but it may very well be due to your husband being gone, your son being "scared" of losing Dad, but not knowing that's what it is and so he may have regressed some. This gives him some control over something vs. no control over Dad leaving. I would call & ask your pediatrician, but in the meantime maybe put him in training pants or pullups and not mention the potty or poop or hiding or anything. Maybe find books instead to talk about Dad being gone, how it makes him feel, how it makes you feel more importantly, etc. Be careful however about promising Dad will return, even though we all hope and pray for this. The other thing is let him make things or draw pictures to send to your husband. A good book I received in training is "What Happened to My World" by Jim Greenman. It was after Katrina, but parts could apply here. A list of common preschool reactions to stress includes bedwetting, fear of dark, monsters, animals, toileting accidents like loss of bladder or bowel or constipation and many others. Does he go to a play group or mother's day out? This might help too. Good Luck. L.

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If it helps ANY, my four and probably a half, (she's 20 now...) did the same thing. I don't know WHY she wouldn't comply because she was smart as all get out. I think it's a control issue. She is very headstrong to this day and it started in early childhood. I have a degree in ECHildhood and I was at the end of my wits. By the time she went to Kindergarten, I think she gave it up..... I have never heard the "scared" reason. However, I know of at least three adults who wait all day long and hold it in...until they get HOME to poo. That is just so horrible for their body to hold toxic waste in. I have never thought to ask my daughter if she is "like that"....as she has moved out. Possibly it's just because that IS something THAT he CAN control? Hope this helps.... L.

Hi there,

I've read that one way to get them comfortable pooping in the poty is to cut out a hole in the diaper when he has a need to poop. He can still wear the diaper but sitting on the poty. When he sees it is not so scary to poop in the poty, maybe he will start doing it. Good luck!

Hi S.,
I had the same problem with my son when he was that age. I know how frustrating it can be. I remember crying & telling my husband that there had to be something wrong with him. I was ready to take him to a child psychologist. Well, during all of this, my son had been asking for a cat. Finally out of desperation, I told him that if he went in the potty & not in his pants for two weeks, we would get him a cat. We also told him that if we got the cat & it started up again, the cat would be given away. It worked! It is now eleven years later & he has never gone in his pants again. Oh, we still have the cat. I know you said bribes haven't worked, but maybe you need to find something he really wants. That's what worked for us. Good Luck!

C.
Independent Distributor of Mia Bella Candles
www.candlesarelove.com

Hi S.,

My 3 1/2 yr old daughter took a lot longer to "poop" in the potty then to pee. She never said she was scared, just would always poop in her panties. So, I took her to the Dollar Tree, and let her pick out a bunch of toys/stickers/candy. We decorated a bucket together, and called it a "Poop Bucket". It made potty time fun. She could pick out a toy only once she pooped in the potty. She overcame it really quick. Good Luck! I know how frustrating it can be.
B.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I am in the same boat with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. She stays dry day and night, but hates to poop on the potty. I, also, have tried everything under the sun and have resorted to making her clean herself and her clothes up when she goes in her pants. I do this because she will tell me she has to go, sit on the potty and then won't try to go (I ask her to try and she tells me no...I can't exactly make her) and 5 minutes after she says she's done and wants to get up, she goes in her pants. This, in my mind, has become a willful act and I am done cleaning up poop because she doesn't feel like using the potty. All of the signs of readiness are there, it has just become a control issue for her. So, I explained to her that it was her choice where she was going to poop, but that she also had to pay the consequences if she made the wrong choice (cleaning herself up, which she hates) and that I hoped she would do the right thing. We have had a mild breakthrough in that she has only had one accident since last Thursday, but she still doesn't want to do it and it takes a lot of coaxing on my part to get her to sit there long enough. I bought her a "poopy toy" that she only plays with while she is pooping on the potty, so you might want to try that angle just to get him to sit there long enough.

Like I said, I wish I had an answer for you, but all I really have is empathy. I am up to my eyeballs in poop right now since I also have a 2 month old son. I think my life would also be heavenly if only my daughter would poop on the potty (and my baby would sleep through the night, but that is another issue). I will be reading your other responses to see if anyone has a new angle, but unfortunately, I feel like I/we have tried everything! Best of luck to you. If you do find something that works, please post it so that I know what to try next.

:-)

My 4 year old did the same thing. I took his pull ups off of him and told him we were not buying any more! We finally gave him an enema and we sat with him in the bathroom until he was done. We had a BIG party afterwards and he got his favorite stickers. Two days later he hadn't pooped so we did the whole thing again. We are in our 2nd month of pooping on the potty!!

Good luck

I recently kept my grand child age 4. Her mother had tried everything. She kept her in pullups. Pullups help a lot. As I was changeing her I talked to her in a pleasant tone of voice. Here is what I said. "Carley do you smell that? That smells like poo poo. Poo Poo smells bad. If you will tell grandma when you have to poo poo. I'll help you go poo poo in the potty. Because, Poo poo in the potty is good. Poo poo in your pullups is not good. You don't want poo in your pants? Poo poo is stinky. Can you remember to ask for help when you need to poo poo?" She did the very next time. If she hadn't I would have told her the same thing again.

Hey S.,

We're a Texas National Guard family and been through a couple deployments (almost a 3rd), injuries and the lot in the last 6 years. My husband’s a paratrooper. Feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk.

Both my kids did the same thing around 3.5 - 4, and they got through it, so please know this won't last forever. They're 9 & 11 now. Really, he'll be fine! What I have to share is long, but maybe some of it will help…..

It could be emotional issues. Daddy being gone has a huge emotional impact that not everyone recognizes. And I found this particular age to be very tough on the kids while their dad was gone. School, friends, everything was affected. I'd be careful about making toilet training too much of an emotional issue to add, even though I know how frustrated you are. His little self may feel overwhelmed.

There was a really good book that helped explain many reasons why these sorts of "delay" issues come up. But I'm afraid I cannot remember the name of the book and no longer have it. One of the common issues brought up, and it became obvious that it was what affected both my kids, is that they were extremely active babies and had learned to poop standing up, not squatting. They would pee in the potty and they really didn't mean to poop in their pants, but the mental connection to squat (spread the cheeks) and then release/use those muscles to poop were not there naturally. They basically went poo when their bodies just couldn’t hold it any longer and didn’t know how to sit and “turn it on.”

The older they get like this, the harder it can be to make that connection because there's no frame of reference and it may not make bodily sense to them. It took a lot of scheduling time to be in the bathroom and sitting on the potty for us. And trying to figure out their bodies’ routines. They have to bodily and mentally make the habit and connection to squat to poop. (They need experience.) That muscle habit is not as simple to manifest as it sounds for kids who've never squatted to go. And if they tend to be constipated at all, it makes it all the harder. Fruits, prune juice, shredded wheat and healthy amounts of water/liquids can really help. Even if it means they seem to be going all day long, it means getting more bathroom experience in fewer days too and more chance of peeing and pooping at the same time. If their bowels are not functioning with “good flow” and enough poos a day, this could definitely be a consideration.

I also found that Baby Bjorn potties were best. The kids were much more comfortable on it and it's much easier to clean. More comfort means more willingness to sit long enough to poo. Be sure the potty is in the bathroom next to the toilet. We also used a potty seat that fits on the adult seat - the simple kind. I'd let them choose between the two, which made it somewhat adventurous. Baby Bjorn was the best, but I wanted them to get used to using the other because we could travel with it. You can also try letting them use the adult seat all together - I think it may have helped my daughter figure out those muscles because of the way she had to sit on it. But boys have to be sure and "tuck" themselves down, or it'll shoot right between the lid and bowl! I know this will sound funny, but here's another note: sometimes kids understand how to fart better than poop. You may try seeing if thinking in terms of "gas" will help them make that connection. It may seem coarse, but sometimes the added humor can go a long way.

Oh and we went through a whole bunch of potties too. I found all those cutsie potties and "features" to be worthless. Go with simple and comfortable and save your money. Baby Bjorn was the best money I ever spent.

We also did the parent and child going together thing. It was another suggestion I read about in that potty training book. Not everyone is comfortable with that, but it does help. Then it's no longer a "someone's doing this to me or making this unpleasant for me" thing in their emotional minds, but a something everyone does and I’m not alone. We used a lot of book time, so sitting there to go was pleasant. Besides - daddy reads in the bathroom, which was helpful to my son who wanted to be like him too. And we did the go in together, they sit on their potty and I just sit on the toilet lid (fully clothed and not going) and read too. It changed the dynamic.

I also believe that real underwear is important in training as well as comfortable pants. Nothing tight. Pull-ups and diapers are too good today and even the kids can’t always tell when they’ve gone. I also recommend comfortable underwear or training pants with the wide waist bands. Hanes makes the comfort bands if you go with regular undies and not training undies. Either are easier to pull up and down than the regular elastic kind. Money well spent. Some kids avoid bathroom routines because their clothes are uncomfortable or difficult to get on and off. Comfort and ease of clothing removal is important during training for sure.

Hope some of this helps you! Good luck!

I'M GUESSING HE'S STANDING UP TO PEE. tO POOP, HE HAS TO SIT DOWN AND THE FEELING OF HAVING A BREEZY, BLACK HOLE CAN BE SCARY TO A KID. HE MAY FEAR MONSTERS OR AN ANIMAL OR INSECT COMING UP FROM THERE. mAYBE USING A PORTABLE KID POTTY MAY HELP

Going commando has helped my kids. It feels ok to poop into pants, but not into nothing. Miralax to keep it soft and create more urgency to go. We started out using half a capful and then decreased it as things got regular. One painful poop can make him hold it even longer. 10 minutes on the toilet after every meal. Continue having him clean everything up. These things helped my kids. Hope they help you!!

yes i have the same prob. with my son hes 5,dont know why but he will hide for alittle bit and then he pops back up with in mins. and hes fine and then i'll find poo every where he was. I still really dont know what to do, but what has helped is to watch him and when he leaves the room i'll call his name to see where he is and if he doesnt answer i go and find him and make him sit on the pot for 5 min with a book.When we are out i have him where night dipers you can getr them at wal mart my son didnt like them at first but now he tells me when he needs to go so it has helped. So really i'm just as lost as you so if anyone helps please let me know. J.

Hey S.. Poop...it's a mysterious thing. I've had issues with my 4 year old but more when she was 3 years old. That being said, I do not believe the factors are entirely different. When you stress over the poop, so does your child. His way of controlling it is to retain it and expel it when he can control it. I do not know what it will take for you, but try to relax and not make it the issue it has become. If he can feel that you are more relaxed about the situation, then maybe he can too. What I say to my daughter when I take her to pee is "while your in there, push your poopers out"(in a very stress-free tone). I know this may sound corny, but it has worked for me and my child.

Hi S.-

My son did the same thing, at the same age. He would wait until we put a pullup on him for bed and then he would poop. I wish I had a solution for you, but one day he just did it on the potty and that was that. I understand your frustration but I would suggest that you not punish him for his accidents. I've known several parents who have gotten frustrated with potty training and have tried that route and it hasn't worked for any of them. Just relax about it for a little while...maybe see if you can at least get him to go into the bathroom when it's time for him to "hide and poop". Maybe if he can get into that habit, he'll sit on the potty one day for you.

Good Luck....they all do learn how to do it eventually!
K.

let me first thank both YOU and your husband for your service to our country.
this issue has seemed to have consumed the lives of both you and your son and i'm sure is extremely frustrating for you both. possibly your son is feeling out of control because of your husbands absence and this is his way of dealing with the anxiety (both his and yours). take a short break from trying to potty train him (2 weeks), put him in the pull up diapers and let him decide on his own that he wants to use the toilet.
struggles over this just wear you both down and i'm sure the boy will respond when he feels less pressure to be "good".

Hi S.,
My son did the same thing when he was that age. The pedi told me to give him a small dose of milk of magnesia each night so that he would poop the next morning. If the stool is too loose, lessen the dosage. We were only to do it about a week or so, long enough for my son to see that pooping daily does not hurt. You may not catch him before he poops the first couple days until you see what time of day he will go. Then set him on the potty when you notice the signs. It won't be painful. Make a big fuss, sing, tell him what a good boy he is, etc. He really wants to do it properly. That is why he is thanking you! (My daughter called it "milk of amnesia" LOL which we decided was a good name for it--so we could forget this was ever a problem) Be sure to give him plenty of fruits, veggies and water that will prevent constipation.

I know this may sound odd- but, it worked for us. Our son was about the same age and having difficulty pooping on the potty as well. We continued to keep his diaper on- but, we would cut a small hole in the bottom- so that the poop could fall out when he was doing his business while sitting on the potty. He could wear the diaper- and felt a bit more "secure" and then sit on the potty. At first he would just sit there- and do nothing- just getting comfortable with sitting on the potty- then it moved onto the stage where he would sit there and actually poop. Then slowly we would make the hole bigger and bigger each day until there was almost no diaper left... pretty soon- he felt safe enough to just go- without a diaper- but- it took a while to get there. We were just real patient with the process. I know it's frustrating- but it will happen. Good luck-
:-) A.

My cousin did this with her little boy and it worked. Every time he soiled his pants, she put him in the bathtub to clean it up. She only used cold water in the tub. It was unpleasant, to say the least. It didn't take long for him to complain that he didn't want a cold bath, and she replied that if he pooped his pants, he'd have to have a cold bath to clean up--every time. He started using the toilet very soon after that, and has used it ever since.

I just want to let you know that when my daughter was 2 she peed on the potty on the time. My husband who was also deployed, came home and then she started pooping in the potty. It was a whole year...I think it is a control issue. I am sure he'll come along. Keep encouraging him and tell him how proud daddy will be when you tell him what a big boy he is. I know this for sure, you can't make him go. Good luck, and good luck with the deployment. I know it's hard to do this on your own!

If his stool is hard, it could be painful for him to sit on the toilet, rather than go in his pants. It sounds like you have tried a lot of things....good for you! Punishment for natural body functions isn't the best thing. Talk to his pediatrician, esp. if the stool is hard. Have him drink LOTS of WATER. Certain KID drinks could make it rougher on him due to the ingredients. Give him a "book" to read WHILE he is sitting on the toilet. Put him on the toilet every hour for at least five minutes. I'm hoping this is the kid's potty chair and low to the ground, as he could be scared about Falling IN....remember, kids see things disappear down the toilet and he could be thinking this will happen to him. That is scary! Do continue to keep a daily chart with the hourly times. Let him stamp/sticker the time when he does go. 1 for potty-3 for poop. If there is something he wants, let him work for it through these stickers. Let me know if you need with the amount of stickers he needs to earn, etc. Best wishes, as I know it's tough when your hubby is gone a lot!

My oldest son wasn't as old as yours when he finally decided to poop in the potty but he was about 3ish...it was that he was scared and I think we finally decided he thought he was loosing something of himself. I'd not punish him but talk to him one on one and explain to him that it is natural and he shouldn't be afraid to do this. I know it is hard on you when he does this but I firmly believe when he feels comfortable enough with what is natural that he will just start, I was on the road when my son all the sudden decided that he wanted to poop on the pot and I had to just stop at a gas station and let him...to this day (he is 28) I still tell him of that story and tell him where his first poop in the pot took place. I thought it would never happen either...just try to explain it to him and don't punish him...he is probably just scared.

The fact that your husband is deployed probably has a lot more to do with this than you think. It may resolve itself when he returns full time. It is stressful for little ones to have a parent gone.
Something to try in the meantime is a stool softner. I know they make a powder prescription stool softner that you can mix in a drink (no flavor or color). If he is scared to go in the potty, then it might hurt to go. I would really look into why he is scared to go. Esp since he is saying thank you when you show him how to do it right.
Good luck.

You've had alot of great suggestions. There's a website that has a lot of information on potty training resistance that was helpful to me from the University of Michigan. Search their site www.umich.edu, "toilet training resistance". They had several great ideas for positive reinforcement. You have to find out what motivates your son. Also you may want to try doing nothing for 30 days, stop saying anything about it, before trying yet another plan. I would put him in pullups for the 30 days and just say nothing, then starting over with the potty training. I read that in a book on potty training that I bought. Be encouraged - I have many friends whose sons were not potty trained entirely at 4 1/2 years. Hang in there, take a break, and then try again! Good luck!

Please do not scold him, take away his toys, threaten him, or get upset with him. He is only a little boy. Just asked him if he is ready to sit on the potty and do poop. Please be VERY PATIENT with him. The more you do all the above, he will resent you.