3Yr Old BIGTIME Talking back...what to Do?

First, and I don't mean this in any kind of sarcastic way, it doesn't pay to argue with a 3 yr. old. If you start arguing with a 3 yr. old you've lost the war. If you want a child to respect your authority, don't argue with them. There is a difference between explaining and justifying. Communication is important, but conflict is out of the question.

Second, if you have a child with authority issues, don't just say what you want them to do. Make it happen. Don't just tell him to shut the door, help him shut it. Don't just tell him to put his toys away, walk him through the process.

Third, tell him what you want him to do. Instead of saying, "Don't run" say "Walk, please". Give him positive instructions.

An example of all, "Johnny, move away from the blinds, I don't want them broken or for you to get hurt." As you are saying this, you need to be actively moving Johnny away from the blinds. You are telling Johnny what you want him to do, giving him an explanation and giving him no opportunity to disobey. Conflict averted. You can even ask him if he is wanting to look out the window and if he is open them a bit for him and let him know all he has to do is ask and you will help him.

He may talk back. Kids do that. The outcome has a lot to do with how a parent or guardian responds.

If he says, "no" or "I don't want to", it's okay to say, "I hear you", "I understand". You can validate how he feels without giving him his way.

If he says, "I hate you", "I don't like you", "You aren't the boss of me" that's just to get your goat. Ignore all of it. There is no need to respond. He and you know you are the boss of him. He just doesn't like it.

Give as much positive reinforcement as you can. With kids like this little boy, you are having to correct all them time. In cases like this it is so important to give praise anywhere you can. Make him crave it by giving it when you can.

Keep him busy. Don't leave him to his own devices. A bored child can be a disruptive child. If there are things he likes to do make sure you have them around and periodically bring in new things. These can be inexpensive things like play-dough or bubbles. Not a new toy, a new activity. If you want some ideas, just PM me and I can give you some really cheap ones. Basically try to keep him stimulated with things you want him to do, so you don't have to keep getting him out of what you don't want him to do. Also, use time doing these things as motivators. For instance, "When you are done putting your toys away we can get out the playdough. How fast do you think you can do it? I bet you can do it in 2 minutes. How about we play a game and I set the timer and we see how fast you can do it? When we are done, you can do playdough."

I hope this helps.

L.

ETA - It's also really important to model the behavior you want him to mimic. It's great to use "please" and "thank you" or say "yes,sir, you may" or "no, sir, you cannot" or "I'm sorry", "Excuse me". Treat him with respect and he may start to mimic those behaviors. If we want kids to act like great citizens we need to treat them like great citizens. I'm not at all implying that you don't, just giving info in general.

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Cuss words in my house get the soap. A teeny squirt of hand soap on the tongue (NOT DISH SOAP!).

It also works for backtalk.

I say "if you are saying those dirty, nasty things, your mouth must need cleaning!"

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In all honesty, if he's not her kid & she's not willing to actually punish him & teach him to speak with respect to adults, all the advice in the world from us is useless.

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My DD will say NO before anything else because it's about control. However, when we said, "Okay, no cookies" or whatever we'd offered, she learned that she should consider what she was saying. My DD will tell me to be quiet when I tell her to shush, I'm on the phone. I give her "the look" and say "Excuse me? You do not tell me to be quiet." If she keeps it up, she gets to be quiet on the time out mat. If she whines or cries for something, she doesn't get it til she asks nicely and uses a normal voice.

While they say to ignore cursing so you don't let them think it bothers you, she can also say, "We don't say that here." If he continues, then she needs a consequence. Her lack of consequences to this point have brought her to this point.

She also needs to find a better way to communicate. Signs, teaching him how to use his words, something.

I feel for her, though, in that if he's picking it up somewhere else, she is dealing with a toddler who has conflicting role models.

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Children learn what they live. He has to be hearing it somewhere. The adults are to blame.

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Not punishing a child because they can open a door is a poor excuse. My son can also open doors, but he goes to his room or in the corner when he starts acting ugly. He knows he is not allowed to come out until he is ready to be nice and I have given him permission to come out. Sometimes he throws a really long fit in his room, but he stays in there until he is ready to be nice.... He's 2. If she isn't going to spat him on the butt, she at least needs to give him timeout. He needs to know that there are consequences for his actions. Good AND bad. So she needs to reward or compliment him when he is doing good, and he needs to have a punishment to fit the crime when he is not being nice.

My niece went through a stage where she pulled the awfulest, loudest temper tantrums. Full out kicking and screaming on the floor if she didn't get what she wanted. She came to my house for me to babysit one day. As soon as she pulled a fit I helped her to stand/sit in the corner. She screamed a lot, and didn't wanna stay (which is why I helped her). We stood there for about 1 minute, and then I asked her if she was ready to be nice. She nodded her head. We cleaned up the mess she had made (which is why she threw a fit... she didn't want to clean it) then I pushed play on The Little Mermaid (I paused it when she started pulling a fit). She never gave me another problem. She didn't stop pulling tantrums, she just stopped pulling tantrums when she was at my house.

man that is tough, its all on your sister? She obviously has not done something correct in the way she brought up her own children if they think this behavior of acting like a dog in heat is ok. I understand not all relationships last, and that having some children by different men is not always BAD, however with a 6 8 and 3 year old thats a bit too much men in too little time. hard to believe women dont know the power of birth control now a days. If she cant afford a decent day care and shes making her mother care for her children, then ummm that means she isnt really a very responsible mom. This is my opinion fully formed on only the information you have provided. It may just be you resent your sister for allowing the nephew to speak this way, and you are sub conciously putting blame on the mother and her habits. However. If he is acting like this, its cause he is bored, he does NOT have a structured day. He is high energy, needs extra help if he is talking and cant be understood. Something maybe your sister can not give him. What kind of activites does she do all day with him? does he watch too much tv? he needs to get out more, to be engaged MORE, and worked with MORE. if your sister cant provide this, his only outlet is behaving badly. Thats the only way I got my 4 year old to stop this as well, and she comes from a well mannered, kept, solid family lifestyle. I enrolled her into many different classes as well as pre-school. I got her into swimming, and dance. I started a mom and me class as well. This keeps her so busy and by the end of the day she is a different girl completely. Sometimes the bad mouth and temper crop up but now we threaten her with taking away an activity and she generally pipes down again. Its really your sisters take on it. She has to be the one, I dont think the boy needs punishment as much as a stable constant home life.

Oh, I know how frustrating this is! My nephew is actually verbally abusive to my sister and has been since he's been old enough to talk.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do and your sister has to be the one to start disciplining. If she is unwilling to discipline, then she is stuck.
So sorry!

I would suggest the book Parenting the Strong Willed Child:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

This was recommended to us by a child psychologist and it really worked for us. Your sister really needs to be firm and consistent in discipline. Because he knows she is a pushover, he is running over her and she will continue to have problems. I had the same problems with my son at that age and it was because I would threaten punishment and not follow through. For a few days it will be really miserable, I won't lie, but after that as long as she is consistent it will get better trust me! She should also watch Supernanny, that show has some great tips and tricks for changing behavior!

Soap in his mouth only shows him that adults he trusts (yes, he does love and trust your sister even though he is pushing all her buttons right now) are willing to hurt and sicken him. Same for spanking or swats: That only teaches him that adults he trust think it's OK to hit -- so they can never legitimately say "You mustn't hit!" if they themselves strike him, and yes, to him even a "swat" is a hit.

Short term: She must ignore whatever he says that is not in an acceptable voice. He wants something and he yells for it demandingly? She does not hear him. "I can't hear you unless you use your inside voice and say please." And then she sticks to that like glue, is consistent and never caves to yelling. If he is defying something safety related like with the blinds: A warning system. One warning. Second warning and he's told "This is the second warning, if there is a third warning you will go to time out." Then she must do that --each and every single time.

This will be very tough on her. She must establish a good time out place (zero toys nearby, no TV on in that room, not his own room or a place that he considers fun -- maybe choose a bottom step, or a specific corner on the floor). Please tell her to check books by Jo Frost, TV's "Supernanny," for advice on time outs for resistant, defiant kids! See if she can find some "Supernanny" episodes online that show the time outs. Your sister WILL have to stop him from getting up and will have to place him back into time out over and over and over until he learns he must stay there. (See the TV show -- this can take literally dozens of times in one time-out and make it last an hour instead of the three minutes it ought to last, but she must be consistent!)

Jo Frost could really help her here but your sister must be williing to follow through and not cave and also not get angry or upset, but be calm and consistent.

Long term: There is also a larger problem for this poor kid. It sounds like he has little real consistent (that word again -- consistent!!) attention in his life other than what your sister is giving him. Stayiing with mom and two older siblings "about every other night" sounds like an irregular and maybe undependable schedule, if you can call it a schedule at all. Are there different men coming and going from the house? Do the older kids pick on him? Are they teaching him to model their back-talk and aggression? He probably is copying what he sees with them, on top of using his back-tallk to get your sister's attention. If there were a way for this child to have a consistent place to call home every night, with the same discipline used the same way by every adult in his life -- he would do much better. He needs to be disciplined, not punished -- discipline teaches correct behavior and taking responsiblity for behavior; punishment just hurts without teaching.

we use salt... just enough to cover my finger and put it in his mouth. its not harmful or painful, but nasty. I say " you talk nasty & you get nasty stuff in your mouth" works great & then we talk about respectful ways for him to express himself.

I hate to be negative, but it sounds like a terrible situation and you are just going to frustrate yourself because the people involved have to want to change and they are not the ones seeking the advice. Like you said "it is not going to happen with your sister."
If his home situation is that bad CPS needs to be called. People have to work pretty hard to screw up a child that bad were he is just three years old and is cursing and mocking people and being that insolent.
At one point you say he is kept until 4pm then you say he only goes to his mother's every other night??? So if he is with your sister that much she should have a better influence?
It just kills me for innocent children to be this messed up. I teach school and we see it all the time. Very sad.

buy the "1-2-3 Magic" video for her....she needs it! It will teach her how to discipline him, without losing her mind!