3Rd Grade Dd, Larger than the Rest

I feel for you. The same thing happened with my 3rd grader two years ago. I pulled her from school and started homeschooling. She is doing wonderful. She kept her closest friends and doesn't have to see the catty ones anymore.
Good Luck,
Tam

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I was like that. My mom had me in ballet, tap, jazz dance lessons, gymnastics, etc. She kept me in athletics... We went for a jog/walk every morning. Even though I was bigger than everyone else, I was confident in what my body could do. I could do the splits, for example. Other kids couldn't.

Also, I had all kinds of music lessons and art lessons and I learned to sew my own clothes and do all kinds of things. It's hard to list all the stuff Mom taught me or had me learn from someone else. She got me involved in activities and organizations where I could learn leadership skills. Feeling like an accomplished young woman gave me a lot of confidence even though I sometimes felt a little awkward at school. I really knew who I was so the awkwardness at school was an incidental aspect of my life; it wasn't my whole life. I didn't enjoy it, but I could cope with it. In fact, I never felt the need to confide in anyone on this point...because it just wasn't that important in the entire scheme of my life. I was developing myself and knew that I had a lot to offer and I did get the kudos I needed elsewhere - music teachers, family, a few friends, etc. Despite what adults may think, adult kudos did go a long way with me even as a teenager.

Once out of high school, social things changed dramatically because all the things my mom had me doing when I was a kid had made me an interesting person. When I was 21, I left to serve an LDS mission and I remember a gal saying to me, "It must be really hard for you to go since you're so popular." I was taken completely by surprise by this because I hadn't considered myself popular, but I realised at that point how much things change when you're dealing with mature people with an ability to appreciate what's real instead of mean kids who have to stake out their social territory for fear that it will be taken from them.

Looking back, I've often thought that if I have a daughter who feels a little out of it socially - like I did when I was a kid - I'll try to help her develop her talents. I'll also try to help her look at the big picture: childhood is so short. In just a very little time, she's going to be dealing with mature people who appreciate a person with something to offer...so she should develop her talents so that she WILL have something to offer when the time comes...and that time will last for the rest of her life!

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I would talk to the teacher of the 3/4 split and see if she could work on some of the 4th grade stuff. We had a split class one year and one of the younger girls in the 3rd grade ended up going up to the 5th grade with the 4th graders. It can happen!!

I also have a daughter who was a head taller than the rest of her class, and a boy in 12th grade who is now 6 feet 6 inches tall and still growing. It's okay for the boy, but Jessi (my daughter) had a heck of a time. The best advice I can give you is to keep telling her she's beautiful and keep her confidence UP. No matter what, as long as she knows she's loved and you tell her she's okay just the way she is, it will be okay. My Jessi is 19 now, and she has often told me that the thing that really kept her going and feeling good about herself was the support and love she felt from her family, and now she has boyfriend who is taller than her, and they are getting married. Tall and proud - that's what she needs to feel, and the kids will pick up on a positive attitude and will stop picking on her.

Dear S.,
I wrote to you earlier about your daughter- I changed my email, so If you want to write to me and let me know how you are doing it's
____@____.com

Hope you and your daughter are doing well!
God Bless,
H. Burbank

Sarah,
Being taller can be a big deal for some kids. However if she has not noticed I would not bring it to her attention. Although, kids can be mean at her age I do not think a whole class of kids would set out to be purposely mean to one child.
You said that she is independent and does not let anything stand in her way to get what she wants. A red flag went up instantly when I read this because her assertiveness which will be a great benefit when she is older can often look pushy at her age. I am a firm believer that our children need to know who they are and stand up for themselves when they need to but also need to learn to conform on things that really do not matter. This helps them be an individual and also be able to be part of a group.
I do not think being in another grade would help.(Be careful how your feelings toward those in authority come across. Our children pick up on this quickly and we are teaching them disrespect by speaking poorly about others who are trained for their jobs) Older children will know that she is younger and will not neccessarily accept her either. Being the same height will not be a factor in whether the other kids accept her or not. I was taller than my male and female classmates until 7th grade when I stopped growing and a boy passed me up. I do not recall being put down because of it.
I would observe your daughter to see how she honestly interacts with the other children and see if she could be part of the problem. A trick I taught my kids when they had trouble with another child was to find something to complement the other child on. It worked like a charm because the attention was taken off of my child and positively placed on the other child. Some times jealousy rears its ugly head and this wards it off or the other children might be feeling challenged and put down by your daughters assertiveness.

I'm a teacher. I'm glad you didn't have the child promoted because of size. It causes so many more problems. i.e. when she can't drive but all her classmates can, etc. Same with dating.
Maybe she needs to see herself in another light.
Take her to see the ballet, or get her involved in sports. That wears some of the lbs. off.
She needs to learn to entertain herself.

When parents tell me their kids are 'bored'
I kring. Bored is when someone doesn't have the
imagination to do something with what's available. Buy her art sets, or let her
design clothes for paper dolls, get her busy in
her own rights with crafts, sewing, etc.

Does she like to read ??? Is she being a whimp with all the brothers? and whimping out at school? Sounds like she is able to hold her
own. Let her join 4-H, or other groups that
put her in different children settings.

Then if one setting isn't 'heaven' another one may be. Let her look through tons of catalogs
for ideas. Like clothes & hair styles... maybe she'll decide on her own to shed some lbs. But don't make weight a big issue. That usually hurts the cause... instead of helping.

Good luck. Kids at that age ( public school )
are rude for no reason and are acting out themselves. She shouldn't take it personally.
Have a chat ( friendly ) with her teacher & see
what the teacher observes. Maybe she's depressed.

I did not read through the other posts, so if I duplicate advise I apologize.

Your daughters situation sounds very similar to my own growing up. I was always tall, but around 3rd grade I "filled" out and I grew even taller. I have always been the tallest girl in my class -- even in high school (400 kids in class) I was the 2nd tallest girl. I've also struggled with my weight on and off since 3rd grade.

I've found that no matter what size, shape or color you are -- kids in 3-8th grade (especially girls) are particularly mean. Now that I look back on my own experiences -- I am glad that I had to "live" through all of that. It wasn't fun, but I am now a very confident individual, even with extra weight, and I was forced to learn how to carry and present myself well. My mother was very important in my learning these lessons and one of my fondest memories are the mother/daughter walks we'd take where we often talked about all those adolescent issues -- she didn't tell me that it was unfair what the girls were doing, but she did help me learn to ignore negative attitudes and to respect my own beauty and brains.

With your love and encouragement, your daughter will be fine.

Good Luck!

I have a 10 year old in 4th grade. 3rd and 4th grade seems to be the age when the mean girls really start to be a problem. My daughter prefers to play with boys at recess to avoid the cattiness in other girls. I highly recommend reading Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons. It's very insightful and and offers coping strategies for both parents and daughters.

hi not much you can do at school just make sur when she comes home she feals good giv her her own space and lots of encuragement is about all you cann do good luck G.

I had similar issues growing up. I was always taller, all the way through high school. I had to learn to ignore everything that others said about me. I did have a group I played with, but noone I really called a true friend. I didn't have a weight issue, but I got coldsores, which noone else got, so I was considered a freak. I was also the only girl, but the brothers are all younger than I. Involve her in activities you do. If you are going shopping, usually kidless, ask her if she would like to go. cooking, same thing, ask her if she would like to help. As for talking, let ehr come to you about that. It will happen, just have patience. Did you also know that there is something called open enrollment in WI? The time startes tomorrow, the4th, for almost 2 weeks, where you send in a form to a different school district to petition your child go there. Sometimes other districts are more apt to allow your child to go up a grade. One of my sons is currently doing that, and has a gread ability to be able to work ahead and complete 5th and be in 6th. It can be done. if you have any questions, let me know!

I don't have any experience, but I was thinking a get together. Maybe the girls are scared of her because she towers over them all, and play it off as teasing because they don't really know how to show their feelings. Invite some of the girls over and let them see how much fun your daughter can be. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Please let us know how things are going. Good Luck

Does your DD have any specdial interests like music, art etc. If so gfet her into something where she can use her talent and not so much attention is on how tall she is etc but on what she has done.

This made my heart break. I would hate for anyone have their armor pierced. It's really saddening to hear. I dont really know what to say but I would suggest getting her involved in something where she can feel good about herself. Maybe Girl Scouts or there is another group that I dont personally know much about but I really like what I've heard about it. It's called Girls Inc. Go to their website www.girlsinc.com and check it out. Maybe somewhere like that will boost her confidence and teach her how to deal with the others. It will always be hard to be teased by those around you. I like the idea of having a group of people over to do things to get to know her better that way. I think a mixture of the girls from school and a new group of girls from outside of school will let her gather some really good friends. I hope something works she sounds like a really great girl.

You have a grate talent that you could be teaching your daughter (your voice) something she could learn and could be very proud of. Most girls by the time they are in Jr. High want to have a beautiful voice so take the time to teach her. Also by the time she reaches jr. high the girls her age will catch her in highth and the boys will also catch up to her. Is she athletic at all, if she is put her into sports, basket ball, volleyball and softball player love to have a tall girl play 1st base, (my daughter was a catcher, she was very short but the best catcher they ever had.) Also my daughter was the only girl in our family of eight. Sounds like you are already using your music, your family is the most important part of your life right now, enjoy singing to them. I don't know if you are religeous or not, you never can go wrong when you ask for help. Good Luck!

This is such a hard age, I have 7 kids but 2 girls who are know into thier teenage years, and had to deal with similar situations, my oldest daughter is my heavier child and had only one really good friend and they had been friends up until the 6th grade, when her friend walked up to her and basicaly said I don't want to be your friend anymore, my DD was crushed, She had no clue what she had done wrong, I suggested she call her and ask, she did and the girl just said nothing I just don't want to be your friend, I felt so bad for her and I tried to stay out of it as much as I could, she didn't want to go to school, I had to "force" her, As hard as it was to watch I had to stand back, I did give words of encouragement and tried to be supportive, but I have always believed that my children ahve to find thier own way of copping with difficult situations, I do give suggestions don't get me wrong but life isn't always nice, I am thier mom not thier friend, they have to get those on thier own. Looking back know I can see why the friendship ended, my DD was going more towards a goth look and has always listened to hard rock (husband does) whereas her friend was more preppy-cheerleader type, my DD did find her way and has a great group of "outcast" friends, she talks to me about everything and even her friends are open with me, I don't judge, I try to guide, My middle daughter went through the same as your DD in the same grade but she was the opposite super skinny, head a little to large, toothless ect,... and your right kids can be so mean just be thier for her when a situation arises, hanging with your DD is a good thing I enjoy it with my kids all the time and make special time for each of them, at least I try, but always remember you are mom first and it very important for children to find thier own way in life, it makes for stronger more independent adults and that is really our goal as parents. I wish you and your DD luck I would never want to be a pre-teen/teen in todays world, it is very complicated. Hope I don't sound preachy.......:/.

Dear Sarah,

I would have to agree with those who suggested home schooling. I have been a teacher in the public schools and had kids in the public schools and private school. We have been home schooling now for seven years. Serving in my church's children's ministry, I have regular contact with public school, private school and home school kids. I've observed that, as a whole, home school kids are nicer to each other. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because most of them are also taught based on the Bible which teaches us to be kind to one another. I know there are also great kids in public and private schools. I don't care how much education I may have had to get my teaching degree, you are the Mom and care more about your daughter than I do. I know we have to teach our kids to face adversity, but I also think it's okay to try to prevent too much emotional struggle. My daughters' friends through home school groups and church aren't always their age either. They've learned to socialize appropriately with all ages. For example, my 13 year old is teaching 6-9 year old girls at church to knit because they have this common interest. My 9 year old loves to play baseball with his 15 year old brother and his friends. They are all very kind to him. Several home school teenagers helped my 4 and 6 year olds with skating last week. I seldom hear a cutting remark at a home school event. It's been a great environment for us to bring up our kids. I just want to encourage you that this would be a very rewarding option. It's so important that your daughter hear more positives about herself than negatives. And, yes, I know you have more kids. We are doing this with seven kids ages 2 to 15. I say, go for it!

Sarah,

I would like to share with you my own experience as a child. I also was usually one of the tallest in my grade. I had two sisters one 7 years older and one 6 years younger. I had three older brothers the one just older was two years older, I then had one brother 18 months younger. The one just older and the one just younger were my best friends. My mother encouraged this. They even played dress up with me. We moved when I started third grade. I did not fit in. I went to school with the same kids I went to church with. I could never get away from the meanness. It made matters worse wen I started 7th grade that my older sister went off the deep end. But the good started when I was 3-4th grade, I was being teased so awful that my older brother (also the tallest and most developed boy in his grade) took notice one day. He got into this kids face and in no uncertain terms let this kid know that I had three older brothers and they all knew where this kid lived and non of them would tolerate their sister being teased. He then, at recess had me come play with his friends. He lost a few friends over me, but he helped my self confidence so much to think that I had three older brothers that would defend me! I, in turn, treated my younger brother with the same kindness. In 7th grade my sis. went off the deap end, my older brother was in the same school as a 9th grader. He was my best friend I would have never dealt with my personal struggles without him. The girls envied me as those who didn't know me thought I was dating a 9th grader. And again as a Sophomore he had his own locker as a Senior in HS. He personally took my books from the locker I shared with someone who had teased and name called me since 3rd grade and I lockered with him the remainder of the year. His close friends who knew I was his sis were shocked that would treat me so well, his response was "and you don't treat your sis this way?" My mom also became my best friend, and still is. She got me involved in piano and she knew what days I was struggling because I would walk in the door, drop my bags, and start pounding my frustrations out on the piano. It was a great stress relief. She was ready for me with cookies and milk or fresh bread out of the oven and a listening ear. Your roll as mom and friend are the same thing! The opportunities are there. If you are heading to the store and she is watching tv, invite her to come along. Leave the radio off, and the silence is enough to usually get them talking. Praise them for every little thing. Take the time to let her know how beautiful she is to you. My own two girls (11 & 7) are both struggling with these same things, I wish they had an older brother to defend them! But instead they get me! They have to work things out on their own, but you can give them ideas of what to say and do when the other kids are mean. Remind her that this is for a short time.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wasn't sure how else to share with you what I know. I'm sure my big brother needed a bit of prodding. I think my mom asked him to take notice of kids being mean. And when he did, he took matters into his own hands. As he put it, nobody was allowed to pick on his sister but him!

Listen and share your love for her! Give her opportunities to shine! And her self esteem will grow and the comments from the other kids will no longer matter. They are still heard and felt, but it will be easier to shrug them off because their comments won't matter when they are a drop in a full bucket of love!

Good luck

Have you thought about homeschooling her? She would get lots of attention and mentoring from you, excel academically and not be tormented by unfeeling, uncaring peers. Don't worry about "socialization". If you are her model then she'll be fine. Teach her to keep house, help with younger siblings, schoolwork -of course- and take her and the younger siblings on lots of field trips. Check out www.hslda.org for the homeschool laws in your state.

I recommend getting her into Tae Kwon Do or some other martial arts. I believe it really helps their self-confidence, is good exercise, and gives them the life skill of self-defense that all young women should have. Would you ever consider a different school or school at home? Are you in Idaho? I teach my daughters at home through the Idaho Virtual Academy Charter School, and I think it's a fabulous option for many reasons. (If it interests you, check it out at idahova.org.) So many schools these days are full of "mean girls" and it seems they start at younger ages. Best of luck to you.

Dear S.,
CONGRATULATIONS! Being a Mom of 6 is great! I am a Mom of 9, 4 boys and 5 girls. One of my "boys" is 6'7". (I am 5'7", his Dad is 5'11")
I was always a head taller in my class as well. It was very difficult to find true friends and find the right clothing to wear. Try to encourage her choices to be modest regardless if she were slim. The girls I see today are dressed like little women. There is a balance between style and modesty. You can find it and it will help her to feel more confident to have you help her choose her clothing with responsibility.

What I have found when my daughters started becoming aware of their body's imperfections is to encourage better food choices and more fun exercise. I managed to sew for the ballet company for lessons. They loved ballet and it helped their body image as well as their grace. I found that focusing on their "problem" just increased their concern over how they were developing. I would tell them that they will want to make better choices and to eat better and it would all work out.

She will need lots of reassurance from you as the time progresses and while you have tried all that you can with regards to the school, you may consider homeschooling. From what I have seen from the 3-4 grade up the "school influence" just gets worse- especially with girls. (sorry)

Your Daughter sounds wonderful. I would encourage you to look elsewhere for friends for her as well. Homeschool groups usually have interesting and neat kids and church affiliations can help, though the children's attitudes are often an outcropping of the school system too.

As far as her largeness. My son, 21, has found a wonderful Fiance, 20, that is 6'2". She is lovely. It has taken a long time for anyone to realize how incredible she is, but we all know she is a choice young woman. What her size has done for her is made her very humble. She has become very studious and kind to others. She is also a runner and loves to run long distances 6 miles is usual for her.(She looks petite next to my son!

While it is hard right now, your daughter's experiences can be turned into many assets by the right reaction from you and her Dad.

And always be her Mom. She needs your guidance and will throughout her entire life. It amazes me that my older children sometimes need more reassurance now than they did as children. Be the example to her she needs.
Best Wishes,
H. B. MOM, mother of many!

Hi S.,

I was reading your message and I don't have any children yet, but have one on the way due in June. I am a coach of 25 all star cheerleaders and even more children/ teenagers in recreational sports. So I feel like a mom of 25. As a coach it sounds like your daughter is very talented. Have you talked to her about getting involved in athletics. Sports would be a great way to praise her height, especially in sports where height is a large part of the sport. You might want to look into basketball, volleyball, and even cheerleading. That way she can build some new skills and talents, and find praise for her height and know that it can be awesome to be tall. My Jr. All Star team has a ton of girls your daughter's age on it, so in a small part I can see what your daughter is going through.

I had one little girl on my team (age 7) that was not getting along with her principal or the other girls at her school. She actually ended up transfering schools and she told me that she is so much happier and has already made a lot of new friends. So if that is an opption and your little girl wants to, I would consider switching schools and finding a principal that would be willing to test yor daughter and move her up a grade.

Good luck with everything your little girl sounds so sweet and nice.