39 Month Old Says He Wants a Different Mom

B., the real reason why you are crying is because you have a physical ailment that prevents you from doing what you would really like to be able to do with your son. You are punishing yourself for your illness by internalizing his little kid words.

One time my son told me that he wished his daycare teachers were the same color as he was. That didn't mean my 4 year old was racist. It meant that he was trying to express a desire to have something in the only way he could think of to express it.

You cannot help that you can't be as physical with him as you would like. (Btw, many moms have their kids in MDO without having a physical illness.) But you don't have to cry buckets over him saying this stuff. I'm not the only mom who has her little kid say "I hate you!" - I could have punished him and bawled him out for not respecting me. But what I did instead was say "Well, I LOVE you anyway." And then I ignored what he said.

Making your son feel guilty by turning on the tears will eventually backfire on you, and he won't respond to your pain, and when his wife cries, he won't respond to hers either. You risk making him grow up thinking you manipulate men with tears if you cry everytime he says something you don't like. So stop doing that.

If he tells you again that you aren't a good mother, ask him what is a good mother. Listen to what he says. Then ask him if a good mother feeds him such-and-such food (something he loves). Does she provide a bed for him to sleep in. How about taking him to see his friends at school. Think in advance of stuff that you do for him that he likes. When he says yes to these, tell him that it sounds to you like you're a pretty good mom, and if he wants to continue to get his favorite foods, go to the park, play with his toys, etc, then he needs to stop saying you aren't a good mom. Perhaps that would make him decide to stop pushing your buttons.

Little kids have to learn to have empathy - they don't automatically have it - you have to teach it to him. So don't expect him to feel sorry for hurting your feelings and only crying when you threaten to call your husband and tell on him. It doesn't work like that.

So change your tact. No more crying over it. Be matter-of-fact and tell him that you love him and that's why you take good care of him. And leave it at that.

D.

7 moms found this helpful

He did not say that to hurt you.

It is good, for a 'boy' to learn that they 'can' express themselves and their feelings...

Don't take it personally.

When my friend's son was 3... she told me he said "I want a new Mommy..." She then said "Oh, what kind of Mommy do you want?" and he replied "I want a Mommy like Johnny's Mommy... a younger Mommy... she's pretty..." (I am Johnny's Mommy. Her son was referring to me, her friend). So then she said, "Oh Okay, I'll call her to come pick up up..." and then he said "NO Mommy, I love you!" It was just a 3 second comment that her son said, and didn't mean. But earlier in the day, my son and her son had a play date. And well I guess he thought I was cool. That is what her son said. But it was not personal. He just had fun that day, with us.
No biggie.

A 3 year old, is not meaning to hurt you on purpose.

But, I would instead, talk with your son. Let him know he can tell you things. Otherwise, he may STOP telling you any of his feelings. Period. Or may get hang ups about what he can or cannot tell you.
Just talk with him, do NOT scold/punish him for it.
He is only 3.

A boy, needs to know they can express themselves.
And he is very special to you.

At this age, a child's 'emotions' are not even fully developed yet. So bear that in mind.
They don't fully understand, the abstraction of it, the innuendos, or the implications of it.

Kids, young or old, need to know they can express themselves, to their Mom.
Because only she, should be their soft place to fall, for anything.

all the best,
Susan

5 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't punish him for this, and I would really try not to take it personally or make it into a big deal in front of him. If it's a big sad deal, then either he'll feel really bad about having said it... or he'll use it again and again to get to you.

For all you know, some kid he was playing with told him his mom gives him chocolate cake every day - who knows!! He's only 3!

4 moms found this helpful

We can't possibly know by what you have said here why he would say such things. It's absolutely natural for kids to pull away from us at one time or another and kids can say cruel things. But it concerns me that he is using the words you say here. I don't think most 3 year olds would say that their mommy isn't good because I don't think they would have a point of reference for such a thing unless you or someone else has spoon fed those words to him. Kids this age may say they hate you or that they don't like you or that you are naughty.

I do think it's telling that you are still counting months by now. He's growing up and not a baby by far. You say that you live for him and you suffer from a painful and often dibilitating disease. Are you sitting around at times and telling him that you can't do this or that because you are sick? You should NEVER apologize for not doing enough with him if that's what's been happening. We don't OWE our children some arbitrary quota of stuff that we do with them. However, we are there for them, not the other way around. You should be real sure you aren't looking to your son to fill some void in your life. Most mothers would die for their children. I certainly would. But I know a few things about putting so much of myself into my kids that I was hurt when they pulled away. You are a person in your own right and your worth is NOT found in being a mom any more than his worth is found in being your son.

I do think that time out for saying those things is warranted. But I wouldn't take it too far or make it a bigger deal than it really is.

4 moms found this helpful

While I do understand that your baby hurt your feelings, he is in fact just barely 3 years old. I don't think calling his father to essentially tattle tale about your baby hurting your feelings & crying in front of him while doing so was probably the best way to handle it, do you?

We've all had our kids say things like that. My daughter is about to turn 10 & while she knows she would certainly be in trouble if she told her brother that she hated him or anything like that, she wouldn't say it to me mostly because she'd be afraid of getting in trouble. What she will do is shoot me filthy-dirty-I-wish-you-were-dead kind of looks whenever the mood strikes her. Ah, just wait until you're dealing with the beloved 'tween age!

Really though, think about the life lessons that some adults still haven't learned such as, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and ask yourself whether you've gone over this rule with your little one yet. Maybe now would be the time, huh?

3 moms found this helpful

Awwwww....it's hurtful. But normal.

Just tell him that you would never want another son because you love him to the moon and back.

Try not to take it personally. And while I think it's OK to tell him that what he said was hurtful, I don't think a punishment is in order.

Chin up, Mama! This is one of those really hard parts.

3 moms found this helpful

It is hurtful and I doubt it has anything to do with your condition - some kids just say that junk. Like all the smart moms said, he's 3.

Try turning it around with some humor - "Wow - and here I thought I was doing a pretty good job,. Ok let's figure out what your ad for a new mom will look like. And start coming up with crazy ideas. Let's you eat all the candy you want, has a super fast car to get you to the doctor to treat the tummy ache you get from eating all the candy you want" He might realize what a sweet deal he has. (btw, this comes from How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk)

3 moms found this helpful

My first thought was this: Please don't make your son feel bad for telling you something he honestly feels! He'll soon learn to never tell you ANYTHING! (My second thought was how the heck old is 39 months? I've never heard anybody say that!)

Kids say mean/dumb things sometimes. They are kids. They're learning. Your response to his statement was immature and actually quite mean in my opinion. You tattled on him and cried and sent him to time out??? For telling you how he feels?? No wonder he didn't hug you. He probably felt very, very bad for hurting you and is too little to figure out how to fix that.

If you keep acting like this around him you'll cause irreparable damage.

I have two girls. I survived one through teenagehood and am in the midst of another. Sometimes they say hateful, mean and nasty things! You have to develop a tougher skin because you have many many years to go as a parent. It won't get easier, I promise you.

Learn to listen and not be so offended, hurt and upset. Ask him why he feels that way. Listen to him. Perhaps he just sees other moms he thinks are cooler. Sometimes other moms are! Show him love and let him know he can tell you anything and you'll discuss it. But don't cry and punish. You're setting yourself and him up for failure in the communication department.

3 moms found this helpful

I think in your situation I would say, "Well kid, you know I am the only mama you got, so put a smile on that face and lets get in a different frame of mind!" Or maybe "Well I could never ask for a better son, I am so happy YOU are the one I got!" Or if you are feeling particularly brave "What made you say that honey?", and then respond based on what he says. I mean at three he could be working through some feelings but really, he could have heard this from another kid, a show, who knows. The stuff that kids say is just crazy sometimes!! Plus we as parents have this huge task of sorting out what actually matters and what is just a part of the jumble of them figuring stuff out. I will say that a new three year old will go through quite a storm of their emotions coming online and WOW, some days it is startling. Mine had this season of saying "I don't love you!" I always said "Well regardless, I love you so much and always will, nothing will EVER change that!!" It really helped and he dropped that very quickly. Now as he is approaching 4 I see this super huge change in his ability to handle his emotions. It is amazing, now he says sorry and thanks all on his own without me telling him to, he says I am the best mommy in the world and kisses his brother without shoving him to the ground first. Four is better, heck just past 3.5 is like a miracle! Hang in there and just know that his comment was not about you and your job is to help him navigate all these new emotions and re-enforce your love and devotion to him. Now I will say that I would do a punishment for disrespect, there is no saying "hate" about anything in our house, there is no saying "leave me alone!!", we don't tolerate that mess! But these comments that are really strange that just sort of come out, I never let get me down and I would just combat them with love. Hang in there, sounds like you are a great mama!!

3 moms found this helpful

You can be secure in the fact that he loves you and you love him. Seems to me--and I and probably every other mother has heard much the same thing at some point--that a reasonable response might be ignoring his actual words and casually saying that you are the one who is so lucky to be his mom, love being his mom, will always be his mom. Virtually every child has what is called a "fantasy family"--does not mean they love you any less. Punishment is not the way to go.

3 moms found this helpful

I think you have to learn to just laugh it off. Don't call Daddy. My dd said the same to me a few years ago. " I want a different mommy" because I wouldn't let her eat candy before dinner. Well I just looked at her and walked away, got the telephone book out and started looking through it saying "mommy, mommy, mommy" to myself. She asked me what i was doing, I told her I was looking up the number for getting a new mommy!! Well she freaked. It was funny. (am I cruel) :-)

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He is 3 yrs old. I can't tell you how many times I've told my daughter, I'm your mom, not your friend. I have plenty of friends. Our kids aren't always going to like us. All our decisions aren't going to be popular with them. You won't be doing him any favors by winning a popularity contest. But he is a big enough boy to know that he hurt your feelings and that isn't ok.
I know you came here to be picked up and reassured. I assure you it's normal and not your fault at all. But there are some ways to strengthen your relationship going forward. One idea --- - don't live for this child! He needs to see you busy and living a full life outside of him. You have to have something to teach him and how to be a mommy isnt it. I have fallen into the trap of giving my whole self to my child and that leads to resentment on your part and thiers later down the line. Just like your relationship with your husband, if you had nothing new to bring to the converation your interactions would start to get a little flat and one dimensional. You have to be a whole person with interests outside your family in order to bring your best self to the table. You can't keep him a 39 mo old baby forever. He is a 3 yr old boy that walks and talks and feeds and dresses himself. Start to nurture your ownindividual self and his own individual self. Then you two will be more happy to see each other and enjoy your time together more fully.

3 moms found this helpful

My kids have said things like "you're mean", "I don't like you". To the mean comment, I answer, "good, that means I'm doing my job". When they say they don't like me I said "that's okay, you aren't on my top 10 list either. There should be no punishment and please don't call your husband again. Handle it yourself. This kid is 3, you need let him know that he can trust you and that you are the boss. When you run to daddy, it makes you look weak.

You can't "live" for your child. You need to have a life as well. I understand your disease. My very dear friend has it as well. Talk with you doctor about different treatments. I think you might be getting depressed and that's not good.

2 moms found this helpful

Yes it is normal. My 4y tells me all the time that she can't live in our house anymore cuz her room isn't pretty enough, or that she can't live there because we aren't nice enough (usually after a punishment).

It is normal to cry about it. It is good for the child to see that we hurt too. I don't think I would put them in timeout. They didn't really do anything wrong. Just made a statement that hurt.

Hugs
M.

2 moms found this helpful

I think all kids do that. Mine have and yes, it hurts but it is how they FEEL. I was taught that having a feeling isn't wrong and feeling have to come out even if it hurts another. He probably feels this way because from the outside Everybody else's life looks awesome. He is only three, maybe he saw another Mommy and kid do something he would like to do with you. Three year olds have a hard time putting their thoughts into words and add to it he is a small man. Communication with boys is spotty at best. Don't be down. We all take things our children say persoanlly once in a while. I guarantee the next time he skins a knee or needs something, it will be you he wants. Keep your chin up.

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My 3 year old (also 39 month old) daughter is doing the same thing. When I get her up in the morning, she screws her little face up and yells "Not you!" It comes and goes, frequently preferring her father. I think it makes sense that they resent us a little. We are their primary caregiver and are constantly telling them they can't do this and can't do that. I don't punish but I do tell her it is mean and leave the room until she can be nice. I think it will pass. For the moment, I am just enjoying when she chooses her father for an activity that I get a break (only when she does it nicely, though!). Hang in there. I really do think it's normal.

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I'm guessing he's either searching for a reaction or doesn't have the skills to express how he's REALLY feeling. It's not about YOU it's about what you, as a parent stand for, which is usually structure, rules, etc. Not to say that parents aren't supposed to have fun with their kids, of course that's a big part of it too, but that's the easy part! ;)

What happened before he said this? Was it a reaction to being corrected and/or disciplined? Was he disappointed that his day at MDO was over? My daughter loves to go to MDO and for the first few weeks she was majorly bummed when I arrived and would tell me to go home! LOL!

I think that when he says things like that you need to stifle your reaction a bit. I know it's hurtful, but again, you have to try and look at the bigger picture. It's okay to tell him that those comments hurt your feelings and that you don't appreciate being spoken to like that, but if I may be honest, I feel that calling his Dad and letting him see you cry is a step in the wrong direction. You want to present yourself as strong and in charge, so acknoweledge that it's inappopriate and try and get to the deeper issue, like why he's upset and said that in the first place. Sometimes I might say to my daugther something like, ' I can see you're very upset that I turned off the TV but that's not a nice thing to say to Mommy. It's okay to be upset but it's never going to be okay to talk to me like that." and then walk away.

He loves you, you are his mother. Kids are trying and they innnately know what to say to stab your heart! You will get past this just hang in there and try some other techniques.

1 mom found this helpful

Something I learned in my premarital classes that has always stuck with me is this...Feelings are just that feelings. You can't judge someone for their feelings and you can't tell them how they feel is right or wrong. You can only talk through a situation and try to understand why those feelings are there.

He's three, he's going to say things he might not truly understand. I think that the next time he says this you should ask him not what you have done to make him upset, but ask him if he knows what it would mean if he gets another mommy. Sit and talk with him about it, ask him what would make him happy with the Mommy that God picked for him.

My 4yo just had a terrible outburst a few weeks back. She ended up telling me that she wanted to live with her grandparents. I told her that was okay and that when we got home I would help her pack her things. I told her she would have to tell Daddy, me and baby brother good bye and then I would take her to her grandparents. She didn't like that, and quickly decided that she didn't want to live anywhere but at home. We talked about it and she was simply angry with me that I had come to pick her up while she was having fun.

I know it hurts when our children say such unloving things to us, but remember you are the adult and you should stay calm and be in control. Don't rely on your dh to instill fear about this type of thing. You can do this.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry that you were wounded by your son's comment. Children can sometimes be cruel. If he is not acting out in any other manner, but simply expressing something to you, you will need to talk and probe further to find out where this is coming from. Check whatever influence he is getting that may be prompting him to say this. I would probably say to him, "Well, God picked you for me and he picked me for you, so we're going to roll with it." I would explain that him saying this makes me sad and I would ask him not to say it any more. I'd keep telling him how much I love him and know this is a phase he's going through. The non-enthusiastic kiss and hug probably was a result of the time-out and not from a lack of genuine affection.

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Hi,
I can certainly understand how much this must have hurt you. I'm not sure though that punishment sends the best message. He probably doesn't understand exactly what he is saying or how much it hurts; but you want him to be able to vent his feelings. At 3 he MIGHT be able to tell you why he thinks you are a bad mommy... that is what I would ask him... why do you think I'm a bad mommy. What would a "good" mommy do that you don't think that I do? You might be amazed at the response you get. If indeed he says 'because you don't play with me' or something along those lines that might have to do with your fibromyalgia try to explain to him in simple terms what is wrong and why you can't. It might be he just might not be able to understand it right now. But as he gets older I'm sure he will. But you want to make sure that he continues to feel he can tell you what he is feeling without punishment... so those lines of communication can continue.

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First, remember he is 3. No, you should not expect him to respond maturely. He is confused and may not know how to express his feelings. He doesn't have the words yet. He has had 3 years of life, and less years of language. Many adults are still learning to express themselves clearly.

I think this would be normal if your child was angry at you for telling him he could not do something or he just heard another Mom bought a friend a gift that you would not buy him, etc..., but I would be concerned if there truly is no provocation.

I know you feel hurt but please do not punish your child for expressing his feelings. All he will do is learn to hide his feelings. When he talks to you then you can try to address it and make it better.

Did you ask him any questions? Don't assume you know why he said what he said. For example: Do you know a Mommy you would rather have? What do you like about her? Did I do something to upset you? Can you tell me about it? Explore with your child and help him sort out his feelings.

If he says "You don't let me watch t.v., but Johnny's mommy does." Then you can respond with something like, "That's nice for Johnny, and every family is different, but I don't think t.v. is good for you."

Again, please don't punish your child. Be happy he is talking to you. Ask some questions and get to the bottom of things so that you can figure out how to make it better.

I'm sorry you feel crummy and I'm sure that is wearing you down. Have you tried nutrition and vitamin supplements to help your fibromyalgia? I would be glad to make some recommendations if something like that would interest you.

1 mom found this helpful

I would say punishment would probably not be appropriate for this type of situation. He is just expressing his feelings. But I would let him know how much your feelings are hurt by it. Kids are always going to see that the grass is greener, no matter how "fun" you are. It's just how their immature personalities are. Someone else's mom always lets them do more, buys them more, is less stressed out, etc. When my kids say things like that to me I just joke back and say, well, I'm who God stuck you with or "yeah sometimes I'd like to trade you guys in too!"
Don't take it so personally! Us moms have to get a thick skin- If you are doing the best you can than you are being a good mom!

1 mom found this helpful

I am sure that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. The fact is that he is three. He doesn't understand. I think it is reasonable to show our little ones that words have meanings and that they can say things that hurt us, but making a big deal about it, crying and threatening to call daddy about it?

I think you are taking it too seriously. He's not an adult with adult motives. If your husband said he wanted a new wife, ok, reasonable reaction, but from a 3 year old? Even if someone said something hurtful to him at that age, he would not really get it. It's beyond his comprehension.

I also think it is normal. They are trying things out at that age, repeating what they hear. I think the appropriate response is to explain that that hurts, it isn't nice or whatever, but I don't think punishment is in order.

I guess I would try to ask him why he says that, since it has come up a few times. What does he think a good mommy is? That person who gave the "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" response had a good idea. But really I think you need to deal with your own reactions to what he says. Crying about it is over the top (unless it was one of those days and this was the straw that broke the camel's back of course). My daughter has said she doesn't like me or something along those lines a couple times and I said "I'm sorry you feel that way, I like you." I think she has even told me she doesn't love me, but I didn't take it personally. If she were a teen, ok, yes I probably would, but a preschooler, no way.

I don't blame him for not wanting to hug and kiss you after time out. If I was in time out, I wouldn't feel all cozy with the punisher who shunned me in that way. So I don't think you should make more of his reluctance to hug and kiss you.

I get that you live for him. He's your baby, of course you do! And he does reciprocate those feelings for you, I am sure. At that age, they just can't express it.

1 mom found this helpful

In the last year, my 9 year old started saying "You're mean!" - which totally doesn't hurt my feelings since he is my 4th child. But the point is, I understand that he is just expressing his feelings. Now it has turned into a comic routine that the two of us do to aleviate the frustration of me saying no and him not liking it. He will say "You're mean!" and I say "That's what mom's do BEST!" and he says "Well then, you are doing an AWESOME job!" - and we both laugh.

If your son sees that it bothers you, it gives him power over you, and becomes a manipulation tool, which 3 year olds (and beyond) are masters at using.

If you punish him for expressing his feelings, he will quit expressing his feelings. You are the adult and need to ignore that stuff. Kids will say their mom's are fat, or not as pretty as such and such's mom, or mean, or whatever. My answer usually is "I'm the Mom God gave you though, and I'm SO happy that I am YOUR Mom!"

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B., I know it sounds funny, but don't take it personally! He is at the age where he wants to be more independent and in control. He is learning how others react to what he does/says. Very normal. When my older one was about that age, he would tell me he didn't love me any more when I would correct him or tell him he couldn't have something at the store. I admit, it stung the first time, but I just told him that I still loved him anyway and always would. I would kiss him on top of his head and he would try to wipe it off. I told him my love already melted in. :-) I explained that even though 'whatever' was not acceptable/affordable/etc. it has nothing to do with love and you can't turn it off like a light switch. it only took a few times and he gave it up. He is 18 now and says he doesn't remember this, lol. Many hugs to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Keep it light, mama. Don't take it personally. My 3 yr. old (third child/son)
told me that "You're not my best friend anymore!!!!!" I surprised him
and me when I started jumping up and down like a victory dance saying
"You mean, I WAS your best friend? Yipee!!!" Granted, there were
times when I was a new mommy that these words would have gotten
the best of me. But, since I'd been to Mommy School twice, this being
my third time around, I had learned some tactics. Don't give him the response he's going for and it should stop. I'm sorry for your ailments.
I sincerely hope the best for you.
Also, I agree with NO punishment and NO tears.

1 mom found this helpful

Very normal and yes what is said can be hurtful if you take it that way. But I think your taking it to personal.

Chances are you took him away from doing something fun. And kids that age, don't really understand completely what they are saying.

I would try to question him more, to get to the root of why he is saying that. "Why do you say that son?" He may give you an answer, he may not. After he replies answer in the appropriate way and say well its a good thing mommy has enough love for both of us. :) At this time you can also remind him of all the fun things you do together.

I'd also reassure him how much you love him spontaneously during the day, week, or month. Out of the blue, I've always told my kids I've loved them and in return they do it back to me now.

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, it is so hurtful. I am so sorry. Maybe he is hearing a friend of his at school saying thing like this so he just picked it up.

I think it is healthy for you to show him how hurt it makes you feel when he says things like this.

Don't beat yourself up, you seem like a wonderful mommy. At 3 years old they don't know what that really means, it does't take the hurt away for you though. Just keep talking to him. Does he need more one on one time with you doing things he picks?? Just an idea. I am sure this is just a short stage.

Praying for you. Just keep loving him like you do.

1 mom found this helpful

Its normal for kids to go to the extreme when they are learning how to deal with their feelings. Next time he says something that hurts you, say his name and say that it hurts you and you don't like it. Tell him if he wants to talk with you, he needs to be nice.

Oh, and please say your 3 year old! Most people don't like to add up the months after age 2, just so you know. NO offense---please! :)

M

I do not think you should punish him for expressing his feelings, even if you don't like them. He is so little, he does not completely understand how what he is saying affects other people. Don't worry about it, of course he loves you!

I also would caution against punishing him for expressing his feelings. I know this talk hurt your feelings, so I think it would be best to talk to him about why he is feeling that way in words he can understand. Ask him questions and give him examples, like if you said something similar to him how would he feel etc. Find out what specifically he wishes you did differently and try to make some changes.

My mom and sister both have fibro, I know it's a dibiliatating illness, but you need to find ways to spend time with your son. I also know that if you are in pain, you are not in the best mindframe and may be getting easily frustrated at little things. Maybe you need a mothers helper to help you around the house and with your son. You may be able to find a teenager who is taking some early childhood ed classes in school that can help after school.

Don't let it bother you too much, he probably doesn't mean that he wants a new mommy but he's trying to express that he wants some changes the best way he knows how.

You may also want to talk to his pediatrician and see what else you can come up with as far as communication. Since fibro and depression go hand in hand you may also want to talk to your doctor or find a therapist that can help you too.

I really don't agree with punishing your son over this. I think calling your husband and telling him what he said, is equivalent with tattling in a child's mind. I really agree with Melissa J's response 100%
I