3 Yr Old Won't Talk

This is a very similar (as in almost Identical) situation that I was in. (BTW, I am 29 myself) Your son (and mine) obviously had a lot to deal with emotionally at a young age, and they just dont know how to process it. The best you can do for him is STABALIZE HIS HOME LIFE. Make things consistant for him, if you have to get a court order to do it (with regards to dads visits)then do it. Your sons are the most important things, so dont let anyone guilt you about those court orders. The next step, get your son some emotional help, whether its therapy or whatever, he needs a constructive outlet. Above all, dont neglect yourself, because if you are not emotionally stable, then they wont be either....if you ever want to chat (believe me it works wonders) send me a message.....

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Dear C.,

I am sorry you are dealing with such a stressful time. I am sure you are just wracked with worry over your son!

I think a lot of people here are jumping the gun telling you your son has Autism. I agree with Katrin in that not speaking is only ONE symptom of the disorder. If your son is still able to relate socially to others around you, is able to look you in the eye, be touched, doesn't do what they call "stereotypic" movements (rhythmic movements made repeatedly that have no purpose to them, e.g., rocking back and forth, flapping hands, walking in circles, and so forth), then it isn't likely he has autism. Of course, several things should be ruled out with that being one, but don't let others convince you to jump the gun and "arm-chair" diagnosing your son!

Another person mentioned getting his hearing checked. I agree. However, you did mention that your Dr. did not find any physical reason to your son's symptom of not talking and that the Dr. believed the cause to be emotional. From all that you've described and the timing of your son's not talking, the divorce and subsequent inconsistent visits by his father do sound to be the cause of this symptom.

I would strongly suggest, after you've ruled out all physical causes, that you seek out a good Play therapist. Play is the medium by which a child as young as your son uses to communicate and a therapist well trained in this medium will help you to unravel how your son feels about all that's happened to him that he has perceived to be traumatic (and no, I am not assuming abuse as some other poster also stated). Play therapy will help him to vent and express his feelings that he cannot speak about, and thus help him come to a resolution.

If this is indeed Selective (not elective) Mutism, then play therapy should be able to resolve this quite effectively. This diagnosis only fits, however, if he only does not talk in certain environments, but still does so in another in which he feels safer.

Good places to look for a well qualified therapist (make sure to type in the search field "play therapist") would be to search the following therapist on-line directories:

www.therapistfinder.com
www.psychologytoday.com

and the Association of Play Therpy.

Sincerely,
S. M. Wolf, M.A.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Anahiem, CA

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That is a heartbreaking story. I would have him evaluated and make sure you keep copies for the courts. If your son's father isn't good for him to be around, you may need this evidence at some point down the road. My personal opinion is to keep a family together whenever possible but if there is any type of abuse or addictions, no influence is better than bag influence. I know that losing speech is a sign of autism. You said you have seen one doctor, I'd get a second opinion. You also might want to get his hearing checked. Kids need their hearing to learn how to talk and keep talking. If it is emotional, have a children's psychiatrist evaluate him. He is in his critical learning states of life and everything that happens can affect him later on. Please let us know how things are progressing and good luck to you and your children.

You also might want to start teaching him sign language for simple things so he can communicate without grunting. There are a lot of videos on teaching babies and children sign language. Even Baby Einstein has "Baby's 1st signs." He may feel more in control if he can communicate in other forms. I can't stress enough how important it is to go to an ear,nose and throat doctor (ENT) and get his hearing checked out. Even if he can hear you enough to follow directions, he could be losing it slowly. Rule out everything you can think of.

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I'm glad you're getting him evaluated but based on what you've said, I agree w/the other moms.....it's his reaction to your seperation & then the inconsistent visits from dad. And if a doctor recommends drugs, then don't fill the prescription & find another doctor. This doesn't sound like something that will be helped by taking meds. Sounds more like he needs to see a therpaist to talk this through & find some ways to express his emotions. So, see if your health plan covers therapy & get a refferal from your ped. If it's not covered, then ask around for a good therapist & ask your ex to help cover the costs. I'd also suggest you sit down w/your ex & let him know what's happening w/your son & how his inconsistent visits are effecting your son & that he needs help. Hope this helps & good luck!

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Hi C.,

I have a friend, single mom, who has been having the same problem with her daughter, soon to be 3 in December. Her husband just up and left her and their daughter one day. Shortly after he left, the daughter stopped talking almost completely. Well, she threw tantrums, she screamed things (not words), grunted or yelled "uhhhn!" a lot. She's a bright little girl, no problem with her hearing, not autistic, she just stopped talking after Daddy left. I know she misses her daddy, the couple has been divorced for about a year and Dad has only visited his daughter once in that time between leaving and last December. And at that meeting, it took sometime for her to warm up and go to Daddy. And when he left the "meeting", she just cried and cried, "Daddy!" for hours.
The little girl is now speaking more words, though she throws a tantrum now and then. Hey! She's two, pushing three <lol>. What kid in that age group doesn't throw a tantrum from time to time?
All I can say is, IT WILL GET BETTER! And the advice given about play therapy is a wonderful idea. Kids in this age bracket have trouble demonstrating their feelings and frustrations in positive and helpful ways. If you cannot afford the play therapy, try sitting down with both kids, some paper and crayons, and ask them to draw a picture (you do it too) with a particular subject, i.e., "Daddy", "My house", etc. Then take a look at what they've drawn, and ask questions. Try your best not to be critical of what they've drawn. But odds are, you might learn something about your troubled one. Keep showing them your love and attention and remind them that you aren't going anywhere and that you love them no matter what!
I hope this helps!
M.

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The answer to me seems obvious, your son is having emotional issues with his father leaving. Drastic changes like that are very hard on a child. My suggestion would be to seek counseling for him and that may be your best bet. Good Luck!

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Hi C.,

Your note says that you really have your hands full! Your older son is very bright and I think that he is trying to cope with his father leaving. Kids react in so many different ways to divorce. Most will act out in some fashion in a way of dealing with what has happened. Your son may feel he is the cause of the breakup and therefore keeping everything inside himself. My suggestion would be to take him to a really good child psychologist and see if he/she can get to the root of the problem. The dad coming and going is not going to help him either. He needs to decide if he is going to be a father or not. Kids are not hotels to be checked in and out of when the mood strikes. The dad needs to make some decisions about how he is going to coparent the kids and you need to be willing to work it out with h im for their sake. Its not going to be easy but it can be done. You may need to go to a few family sessions to work it through. Good luck to you and your kids!

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C. -- It is so so hard to be the Mom and not be able to fix things. Whether it's holding your kid down so he can have a necessary shot, pushing medications into him or sheltering him from trauma, I always want to feel that I am doing the right thing for my son and am trying to make it all better. I'd walk through fire to fix things for my three sons.
After reading the postings, I'd have to agree with them: could be emotional trauma, could be elective mutism, could be cured through homeopathy, could be indications of autism . . . Make sure that you get him evaluated by a medical doctor AND a mental health professional who works with children.

DOn't close your mind off to ANY intervention -- be it play therapy or medication or time and love or court orders. You need to be pragmatic and take an "I'll do and try anything" attitude about getting this fixed. Much of what we feel is the result of chemical changes in our brain; medication can help stabilize those upheavels in the same way that insulin helps stabilize the insulin system (sorry for my totally untechnical and probably inaccurate medical vocab).

Have you put on your own oxygen mask yet? You know, how on airplanes they tell us to put on our oxygen mask BEFORE assisting others. Have you don that? Do you have the emotional support you need to get through this? Have you enlisted the aid of family, friends, professionals? Children are often emotional barometers in that their actions reflect the emotional state of those around them. Not to say that it is your fault, but if you are stressed to the max (and any one part of that situation could do that to a person), your son may be reacting to the atmoshpere in the house and acting out.

If you are in the Monterey CA area, (I forget: are we all local?), I can recommend some resources.

SO remember (1) oxygen mask (2) open mind (3) pursue help (4) keep going and (5) repeat as necessary.

I.

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Dear C.,

Well, get strong because I am going to be straight to the point.

Stop worrying about Josiah, he will be fine, he just needs a lot of reassurance and love right now. He doesn't need to talk, just be extra specially kind and understanding. He is mourning his father's absence. Yes, he is. He was and is still in love with his father, and inconsistency and disfunction do not enter into Josiah's brain. He is a beginning human being and does not understand why you are so demanding and why his dad is gone. Um huh.

He is worse after his Dad has leaves the house because he loves his Dad and he doesn't understand why he can't stay home anymore. Plan what you are going to do to help Josiah get through that first hour. Plan something fun to do that he really likes, a bubble bath, playing in the water that has a good smell in it, boats in the bath tub. Eating some jello, a favorite cookie and a book read to him. He will be alright , but he has to be helped along the way.

He will start talking when he decides to, not when he is told to 'use words' - no, that is not the way to get him to talk. The way to get him to talk is to fulfill his love needs and his comfort needs. He will be fine, and the Doctor is right.

So what if Jeremiah talks, that is good, he is a different individual than Josiah and in a different stage of getting to know the world.

And, by the way, get over that Mother has to make things better. You only can love and make your family cozy and comfortable and guide. You can do a lot of praying, and listening, and God will guide you. But, you have to listen and evaluate quietly and carefully.

Good Luck, C. N.

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It sounds like selective mutism... it's actually somewhat common in young kids who are under a lot of stress. I would suggest finding a good child therapist for him. There are a lot of low cost or free counseling services if you look around for them. If you're in the South Bay area, I can give you the info for the organization I go through.

I don't agree with the others that it's autism... (my son is autistic)... unless he is exhibiting other behaviors like obsessive behaviors, little to no eye contact, or poor social interaction. If he's doing well in daycare, then I don't think there's any reason to believe it's autism.

There's not much you can do about the dad... although the courts will probably nail him for his inconsistency. Just keep a record of his calls and visits and if he makes child support payments. You'll be glad you did later.

It's hard when our kids are going through a hard time and we can't do much to change things for them. All you can do is try to provide as much stability and support as you can for him. My son has been in counseling for two months now, and it really seems to help him.

Hang in there!

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Have you had him evaluated for Autism? I would look into it just in case! Sorry you are having such a tough time. Good luck!

call north valley regional center in van nuys and have him evaluated please do not listen to the doctor go with your gut feelings i went and got my son the therapy he needed ........do it right away
theres all kinds of services good luck i hope it all works out
my son had the same thing and it was diagnosed as autism i was so scared but after three years of therapy he is fine and mainstreamed into school no one would ever guess but if i listened to the doctor i wouldn't have gotten him started in therapy early intervention is the most important

Dear C.......Little Josiah's symptoms can be successfully addressed using homeopathic medicine. I suggest that you find a professional homeopath in your area (one that you feel hears you and with whom you are comfortable) and look into treating your son for his muted state.

Homeopathic medicine, which has been around for over 200 years, is safe, non-toxic and quite effective for many hundreds of conditions where western medicine would suggest more drastic measures. Homeopathy falls under the umbrellla of holistic medicine.....that is, it takes into account the entire health history and personal story of the individual being treated.

Wishing the best for your family,
C. Springer
Certified Homeopath

There is nothing wrong with your son... Divorce/Separation is hard on kids and he just needs some time to adapt. I wish the judges would understand that the inconsistent visits are more unhealthy than no visits at all - I have sadly seen this with my own children.

Don't ask him to use his words - that just makes the words more of a source of struggle between you to - just ignore him when he huhuhuh's for things - he will learn by your reaction and not your instructions that he has to ask if he wants something.

Just be consistent with as much as you can from loving him to feeding him - he doesn't feel safe right now because he has been abandoned by his father - he fears that you too will abandon him and only time will erase that fear - he will learn overtime that he is a wonderful son and that you love him and are not going to leave like dad did.

Good Luck

'Elective mutism' is the name for what your son is experiencing. He can speak, but he is not. It is a normal and not uncommon reaction in children under stress--it can even be triggered just by starting school, for example, something we consider not particularly stressful or traumatic for children. Having worked with kids like your son at school, I would encourage you to be very gentle and upbeat with him. Recognize that right now he's going thru a lot. Keep talking to him and giving him words when he doesn't use them. Talk to him about what is going on, that you love him, etc.--of course at his level and don't get too much into adult details about you and dad. Don't punish him for not speaking and don't have him evaluated as if there is something "wrong" with him. Give him some time, try to get a sense of a new routine with your life change. Music is good therapy--play his favorites, sing, etc. REad to him his favorite books over and over and occasionally pause to let him fill in a word. Don't worry if he doesn't. Eventually you could encourage him to whisper responses to you or to his brother. Send out another note again if you want more ideas.

Hi C., i remember when my older son was about that age, me and my husband were living in different states, he would come visit every 6 months or so. We were not seperated, we were just trying to relocate and i did it first. Anyways, my oldest son took a very long time to talk, everybody use to tell me to take him to a speech therapist. Our family is now back together and i have noticed that my 2 year old talks alot better at his age then my older son did. I think his father coming and going had alot to do with it. It was his emotions, and he was to young to express how he was feeling. You know whats wrong with him, and you are doing the right thing about it, you are taking him to be evaluated. I would also suggest some family counseling for all you. One of the other moms told you not to give him medication, i agree with her 100%. I think once he can let his emotions out and tell you or someone how he is feeling then he will be fine. Oh and by the way, my son is 5 now, he speaks awesome, his volcabulary is so clear and hes so smart. Good Luck, you and your children are in my prayers.
A. K.

Dear C.,
It is obvious to me that your son is traumatized by his father leaving and not being consitant in his life. Children need consistancies to feel secure. I would take him to a child psycholigist to get some answers for yourself and more importantly for your son. He is internalizing his feelings already. Maybe he thinks he said something that made his Dad move away? Who knows what he's thinking, but get some professional help. I pray that you find a positive solution to help your son. Good luck.
E.

Hi C.,

Also not to scare you, but he could have a more serious emotional issue that you are not aware of, like some kind of trauma or abuse that he has gone though. I would definitely have him see a medical doctor and a psychologist to rule out or work on any medical or psychological issues that may be causing this behavior. You obviously love him very much, so I'm sure that you will be able to help him work through whatever is causing his regression.

It could be an emotional thing, but (not trying to scare you hear) language regression at that age and tantrums can also be a marker of autism. I'd get an opinion from another pedatrician just in case, as it's better to treat autism earlier in life.

he's 3? is he in speech therapy? I would have him evaluated by the school for speech therapy. Even if it is just an emotional thing causing him not to talk it'd be good for him if he isn't talking now.

And while your sons symtpoms do sound similar to autism, I don't think it's that if he is pointing at things because not pointing is one of the signs of autism as well (my son has autism). If you know that he CAN talk and just isn't talking it isn't autism. If on the other hand he's regressed to where he can't talk anymore I'd have him checked just in case.

Your son is exhibiting trauma. He lost his father and his mother had another child/sibling in a very short period of time. This evidently was too much for your son to handle. I suggest you get some professional help so that you can sort this out. You have a little fellow who needs help and he needs it now!

Best wishes to you and your boys.

Have your child evaluated for autism, since losing speech is one of the main symptoms. There is a website www.autismspeaks.com and other sites that list other symptoms. This site I think is the one that has some video clips of early signs. It is easy to miss in little ones, this is why most kids with autism arent diagnosed til about 3. The earlier therapies are started, the more likely the child will improve a lot earlier. also call Alta California Regional Center for an assessment, and they can set him up with speech therapy and others all at no cost to you.

Definitely seek help. I would take your son to be evaluated and also take him to see a therapist. Something is obviously going on, don't ignore you. The sooner you start getting treatment for your son, the better off he willl be

This sounds to me like your son may possibly have "Autism." Now I'm not trying to scare you but Autism can best be treated when caught early. I have 4 members of my family with Autism so I'm speaking from a lot of experience. One of the first things parents start to notice is either a language delay or the "reversion of speech" and other things. Autistic children will seem to go along fine unti they hit 2 yrs old or older then all of a sudden it's like they forgot how to talk. Please, please ask your doc about this. I am really shocked with the prevelance of Autism now days that he didn't think of it. He can send you to specialists to have him evaluated. Speech therapist, psychiatrist, etc... If you aren't getting the answers or help you'd like from your doct please find a new one ASAP.

i aggree with all the posters...good luck

C.:

children of this age are very sensitive to disruptions in their lives, even some that we, as adults, may find to be minor. My girlfriend's son, who recently turned 4, had relapses in behavior just before he turned 3 when they moved, then a relapse in potty training a few months later when his baby sister was born, and now has started having speech issues. This latest relapse is because her husband travels and is away a lot for his work. He's a very loving and a super-involved father when he's home from assignments, but their son has started to stutter and it gets extremely bad right after his father has left. She had him evaluated and she's received information on correcting his speech and helping him cope with his emotions, all in a non-drug way. So, please try not to worry about your son's evaluation. It sound as though you work hard and are dedicated providing for them as best as you can. And if the expert comes back with a drug solution, tell them you'd like other options and that drugs are a last resort solution for you. If they seem like they don't want to make the effort to work with you, then go and find another expert who will. Best of luck to you.

It could be an emotional thing. The only way he knows how to process his father not being there is to stay silent. Parents seperating is very difficult on children, especially on the oldest.( I am the oldest and my parents divorced when I was 2) My recommendation is to see a child psychologist after seeing the pediatrician. This way the child psychologist can work with your son and give you tips on how you can make this transition easier on him
Good Luck!

You need to have him evaluated to see if he may be autistic. Sometimes, when a child regresses, autism is the reason. However, it sounds like there were some major stressors going on, so your son may simply be reacting to all of that. He should really see a child psychologist. Good luck!

Your description sounds exactly what many mothers describe in children with Autism. It is so common now that 1 in 150 children have it, especially males. Many pediatricians do not know how to identify it.
Go quickly to the Autismspeaks.com website. There are things you can do if this is what's happening but you must hurry. Take him off of all wheat products. Hard to do, but will help.
There is a lot of evidence that it is related to vaccinations.
I hope you can get an appointment with a different pediatrician. One who knows about Autism. You are in the company of a lot of strong, highly motivated mothers who will be able to help.
Take care,
P.

Hey- as a teacher, I would have him tested for autism. Just my opinion.

P.S I did not read any of the other responses until after I posted mine... then I had to go back and edit my response. Start now; the process is long and arduous. Good luck and many hugs... I'm having something similar going on.

Your little one is so little still. Sometimes it is harder to always see that when you have a younger one in the house. I would echo what someone else said (didn't read it all) and say, just give him all the love you can and don't push him to speak or do anything else you think he should be doing developmentally. If he can speak, he will when he feels safe and ready. If he can't, you're only frustrating him more. As a teacher I saw several kids who were electively mute in at least some situations and they all decide to talk at some point. I know it is really hard to feel that your child is falling behind academically already, but there are many studies that show that kids who aren't pushed in preschool learn more when they are ready.

That said, neither you, I, or general practitioner can be sure of the source of this problem. Please do pursue counselling, which is certain to help no matter what. I wouldn't rule out other problems.

The most important thing to me is that you respond to every challenge by letting him know that you love him no matter what, and you will never leave him. You might read something like "Love You Forever" regularly for bedtime, to reinforce the idea that you won't abandon him like he must feel dad has. I imagine that would be the main reason for crying for "no reason."

Please remember that in each moment, your child is doing the best he can, for whatever reason.