3 Yr Old POWER STRUGGLES

There are a couple of things that I do with my kids. First, I try to be as consistent as possible. I explain the rules and the expectations, mostly when we are out, but sometimes at home too, and reward them if they meet the expectations and follow the rules. Typically, they get to pick their reward, stickers, a sweet treat, something like that. The second thing I do is I never give in when they demand and/or throw temper tantrums. I only give them what they want when it is appropriate and wen they ask nicely and calmly. Third, when they throws fits, I explain that I will not talk to them until they calm down and speak to me nicely. One time my 3yo dd threw a horrible fit in the grocery store. I explained to her that she was not going to get her treat while her 5yo brother would and that she could not sit in the cart until she stopped. She followed me around the store screaming for about 5 minutes, then finally calmed down and talked to me nicely. She did not get her treat that day because she did not follow the rules or meet the expectations. My dd has also expressed her anger to me in terms of hitting/kicking. When she does this she goes straight to her room until she calms down, then has a time out. Then we talk about why it is not okay to hit/kick. I hope this helps. Good luck and hang in there. Three is the most difficult age.

Hi L.,
This is completely normal toddler behavior. He's finding his independence and you do not need to resort to spanking and fear to correct it. We follow Dr. Sears and there's a great article here that addresses all behaviors situations (I'll provide it at the end)
First, don't always say No and make the house more of a yes place for him. If he's constantly trying to pull down something and you have to keep telling him no, put it somewhere else. Redirect him. When he goes for something he's not supposed to have, find something else than he can have and draw his attention to that.
Find out what's causing his melt downs and when. Learning to distinguish when they might happen BEFORE they happen, you can stop them before they start. If he's trying to learn to do some things and getting frustrated don't do it for him, try to get down to his level and show him without taking him away from it if it's something like putting on his shoes or getting a toy that has fallen out of reach.
These are just a few examples of some of the advice I use. They really do work.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063900.asp

"Dare to Discipline" and "A Strong-willed Child" both by Dr. JAmes Dobson are great books that help with this kind of problem. I have been there.
H.

You have received some good advice and I echo a lot of it.
The thing that worked best for my son was letting him have a little space.
The only limits I gave him as far as temper tantrums were that he could not hurt anyone and I would not give in because of a tantrum-I may give in because he was extra good and asked politely or calmly told me why he should get it, but never because he had a tantrum.
There were times when I pulled up a chair in Target while he kicked and screamed on the floor and he was allowed to do it, as long as we kept to the rules. It took a few weeks for him to get it but life was so much better afterward.

Not nitpicking, was another help.
I noticed I straightened his hair and tied his shoes, and made sure he was doing what he was supposed to-If you had someone looking over your shoulder to make sure you were good every moment you would rebel too. Kids need space to be independent.
I calmed down on "how" things were done and just made sure he did them-it doesn't matter if he wants to wear his shirt inside out and backwards or put all the trucks in the train bin or eat only peaches for 3 days.
He needs to find out who HE IS-not who you are and he's adopted those behaviors.
Talk to him about what the hard and fast rules are-no hurting anyone, you must eat 3 vegetables a day, and don't touch grandmas antique whatever, other than that let him choose.
If he still freaks out and demands stuff make him tell you why he should get it-you promised last week and I never got it, or I haven't had ice cream in over 2 weeks.
Or make deals with him-if you do something extra for me like pick up your room or play with your brother nicely you can have it.
Or sometimes just say no and he has to live it, or he gets something else special because he accepted it well.
Hope this helps-it does eventually go away-when he's about 25. Good Luck!

In my experience (obviously I don't know you, so don't be offended), parents who have problems with children who yell orders and make demands of their parents are simply copying their parents. And if he doesn't listen to you, it's because you haven't thoughrouly shown him the consequences of NOT listening to you. Parents forget that kids were not BORN to listen and follow directions- you have to show them both how to listen and why. My guess is, up to this point, you ask him a few times to do something, he ignores you, you either forget it or do it yourself. Am I right? Well, this doesn't work on any child. You have to ask once (make sure you are heard and are clear) and then present the consequence for not obeying. If you want him to clean up, say "I need you to put your toys away" (avoid using words like "now"), and if he doesn't comply, you say "if you choose not to put your toys away you are going to sit in time out." Take a cue from Supernanny and make a set of house rules and discuss them with him, and talk about the consequences of breaking rules (rules like treat each other with respect, no spitting, use soft touches, etc... and whatever rules you choose have to be followed by everyone, mom and dad included).

It is best, at this age, to avoid power struggles if at all possible. This does not mean give in- this means you note when they are most likely to take place and prevent them. If getting dressed is a power stuggle, get him involved in the process by letting him choose between two outfits (only give two choices, more is too overwhelming). Whatever the problem, involving the child in the decision making process somehow empowers them and makes them feel more in control, thus reducing frustration on his part and lessening the likelihood of a violent response like spitting or scratching.

As far as consequences go, try to be as unemotional about them as possible. Sometimes kids are simply trying to get a reaction out of us, or to see what the reaction will be. Yelling, name calling, spanking, hand slapping, etc all tend to be emotional responses. Give yourself a minute to calm down, then follow through on rational consequences. This can be timeout, but not always. Lately my daughter has decided that throwing her spoon at the table is fun. She does it once and she is done and has to leave the table. I don't react other than to say "no no throw, your spoon is for eatting" in a firm but not upset voice, then I move her out of her seat and ignore the fit she inevitably throws. She's done it, I think, a total of three times before she decided it wasn't really fun. Regardless of the consequences, don't give more than one warning, and always follow through. Consistancy pays off!

I agree completely with the other responses - you really need to nip this in the butt. You do not want a 3 year old in control of your household. I highly recommend the book by Burton L. White: 'The New First Three Years Of Life.' I realize your son is 3 years old already, but in this book, you'll get some amazing pointers about discipline and your child's psyche. I apologize for the very lengthy response, but below is a little bit of the book. This part is one that hit home with me and my now 4 years old daughter :o)

"OVERINDULGENCE:
The third year of life is a time when children often show the unpleasant consequences of many months of overindulgence. Some children become very difficult to handle during this phase. Yet this is a time when firm discipline must be maintained. You do your child no service by routinely giving in to him or allowing him to engage in temper tantrums or other undesirable behaviors. (I must say candidly that if he is still given to such behaviors at two years of age, you will have your hands full for some time to come.) You should make a special effort to finish the basic socializing process as soon as possible. Do yourself and your child a huge favor by maintaining a loving but very firm hold on the life of your child in his third year.
A note of caution: In our otherwise very effective model programs in Missouri and Massachusetts, we have found that the single most difficult problem for first-time parents to cope with is avoiding overindulgence of their children. In spite of the finest educational support system I know of, first-time parents still tend to overcompensate to make sure that their children are happy and continue to love them. The result is overindulgence. Let me reiterate a couple of the tips that seem to help parents control their tendency to overindulge their children. First, a guiding principle for parents should be to teach their child that he is very special, but no more so than any other person, especially his parents. Second, parents should adopt an attitude of healthy selfishness. The people most likely to produce an overindulged young child are his own parents. We suggest that parents picture one circle within which are the rights of the child and another circle within which are their own rights. They should examine a child's behavior to make sure that while all of the child's legitimate rights are being respected, the child is not being allowed to intrude upon the circle bounding the rights of others."

So, next time he spits/scratches/punches/bites, you get down on your knees and in his face, hold both his hand/arms down and tell him to NEVER - EVER - SPIT/SCRATCH/PUNCH/BITE - AGAIN - THAT IT'S UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!!!!!! Then you put him in time-out for 10 minutes (forget about 3 minutes, he needs to know that you are serious. If he whines or carries on, you tell him to be quiet and stand/sit still. Do not engage in conversation. After time-out, you have a calm chat about his behavior. Next time he makes demands/yells orders, you say in a calm voice, excuse me, but I truly don't understand a word you are saying, could you speak in a normal voice please. If he continues - just repeat your sentence. Then when he actually changes his tune/tone of voice, you say:"ohhh that's what you were saying, let's talk about it." Next time he doesn't listen to you - put him in time-out from the first get-go. After all time-outs, you hug. The key is to be consistent and keep a short leash, so he knows your boundaries, you cannot give in at any one time, because then he knows he has the power back. They are begging to be disciplined, if they are allowed to roam freely, it gets to be too overwhelming for them, we need as their parents to calm them down, show them boundaries, they really don't like to feel out of control either. I know it all may sound severe, but these are ways that have worked in our family :o)and I know everybody is different.
I know this was a very long email, I hope you are not too overwhelmed :-)
Good Luck with everything

Put up a reward chart. Every time he does what he's asked, the first time, move him up the chart. Just make sure you are asking him to do things he is capable of doing and not overwhelming. Super Nanny's website has some really neat reward charts. http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Reward-Charts.aspx

First of all let me tell you, he will never give in! I have a 31/2 year old boy myself. here is some advice. Lead you child. lead your child to make the right decisions, they are so smart! and tell them why. if they still don't get it, avoid whatever it is that is making them so upset, for me it's sugar, I will not have him eating sugar all day, so I don't buy it, If I were to buy it and then tell him he can't have it? That doesn't make any sense to him or me? You are having Power struggles and he is screaming for you to Respect his choices and decisions. Nurture him and guide him. Love is all that matters. Listen, respect, connect

J.

Oh my goodness I just read some of the responses you've recieved, let me ask you one thing, do you want to raise your beautiful child to be obedient and submissive, or to thrive, create and Love.

The divine resides in his beating heart. listen to that heart.

Oh how comforting it is to hear that I'm not the only one with a 3 yr old that thinks they're the adult!!! My son is 3 1/2 and is defiant, sassy, obstinate, and just plain onry (sp?). (There is a similar posting today about a 3 yr old girl... so we aren't alone) I have tried so many different methods of discipline/consequence that I myself am exasperated!! I've basically come to the conclusion that it HAS to be a phase!!! Nothing really phases him in terms of a repurcussion to his actions. I also have a 14 month old & there are times when my oldest absolutely terrorizes the ypunger one. Part of my oldest's acting out is sure to stem from the fact that he is no longer in daycare. He loved "school" as he called it & right now we are not in a position to put him back into it. (We just moved from CA to TX & I am now a SAHM) I think that the socialization & time away from Mom & brother were his outlet. I try to do similar things here at the house like he did @ daycare - a routine for the day, nap time, play time (we go to the park) and some days it helps, others not so much.
So, my best advice? Just cont. to be firm & stay strong. A GF of mine, who has 3 boys, all under the age of 6, said she had read in a book that boys have a surge of testosterone b/the ages of 4 (I think) and 5 that is supposed to be very intense, similar to that of the hormonal surge in their teens, that can make it hard for them to hear (thus if you are constanly repeating yourself or yelling, this can explain why) make them somewhat aggressive & well, difficult... I havent looked into the hearing theory, but, it helped me!!
Best of luick, I know I didnt give you any profound advice, but sometimes it just helps to know there is SOMEONE ELSE that empathizes!!

Ahhh, the Threes!!! Why do they make it sound like the Two's are the worst thing, and if you make it to three, you are home free??? Your son is "testing his boundaries" so you need to make it clear where your boundaries are. Easier said than done. The spitting, etc is easier to deal with than the ignoring part. You may need to give him an opportunity to finish what he is doing before you expect him to move on...i.e. "You have 5 minutes more with the blocks and then you need to wash your hands for dinner... I will set the buzzer so you know when it is time" and set the kitchen timer. I use the timer ALL THE TIME and it seems more authoritative than my repeating myself over and over. I set the alarm on my cell phone at the playground. I make my kids turn it off, which signals that playtime is over. Try reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book really helped me make it through the threes and beyond. Good Luck, mom (and get ready for the "lying fours!")

I used a star chart that included gentle hands, good listening ears, kind words, and good behavior (meaning no temper tantrums). The rewards that have worked for my children for getting their stars each day was getting something from my "treasure box". My treasure box contained simple $1 or less items such as hot wheels, hair bows, books, balls, etc. I also taught my kids a song called "When you're angry and you know it" sung to the tune of "When you're happy and you know it". It gives them the appropriate ways to respond when when they're angry, such as stomp the floor, hit a pillow, walk away, pound a drum, scream into a pillow, etc. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit, scream, spit, etc. And that's what I communicate to my kids. Hitting, spitting, screaming and those behaviors are automatic time-outs, which work for my kids. There is a master warning that those behaviors are unacceptable. Three's are the most challenging age as far as I'm concerned. If you look at the Mamasouce files you'll find numerous requests such as yours. Just remember you're not alone or unique. Just be consistent, patient, and firm. Your son is just testing his boundries, which will set the precedence for years to come. My response is short and details could go on forever. If you'd like more information about how I managed the above strategies, please let me know. I would be happy to go into more detail or email you my star chart. Good luck!

im so glad you wrote this.lol. it saves me the trouble of having to do it because i to have a 3 year old with the exact same behavior. so if it helps, your not alone. The one thing i think about and em glad, i guess more on the positive side. at least they act proper in public. right?

My 3 year old periodically does a bit of this also. I've noticed for him that if I show any negative reaction, it's like a reward for him. It's tough not to show anger or frustration when he acts out, but I've found that the more direct, firm and calm I am, the better he behaves. We'll have a rough couple of hours sometimes where he challenges, but then he sees that attention and playing with him comes from him being cooperative and he is much more likely to comply. That and be sure to always follow through with whatever you say will be a result of his actions.

Question...when your son is yelling orders and making demands do you give in to him? If you are stop! Do you yell back at him? What type of television shows is he watching? These are all questions you need to ask yourself. He is picking up these behaviors from somewhere. It is natural to do some of these behaviors to extent, it is their way of communicating.

Hi L.,
This can be so very frustrating. I have a very independent two year old. My neighbor was also an independent child (now she is 25), and she works with preschool age children. I was having the same problems as you with my girl. Here is what my neighbor told me:
Your child wants power, so give it to him. He wants choices, but can't handle making them himself. Some things, like getting dressed, and brushing teeth are mandatory. Give him the power to make a choice for himself. For getting dressed - give him the choice of two shirts or two pairs of pants. For brushing teeth - which my daughter hates to do - I tell her it is teeth brushing time, do you want to do it in the bathroom, or in front of the mirror in Mommy's room. This has worked beautifully for her. We get things done, she respects the everyday things she HAS to do, and she feels like she has a bit of power and control.

Good luck!!
L.

L. - just a word of encouragement: He acts up with you because he is sure of your love. The "adorable respectful" little boy comes out when he's with people he's not sure about.
I know having to deal with his behavior is NOT FUN, but maybe this will keep you going!
Good luck!

Dear L.,

I'm not an expert, only a mom of 7 kids who has struggled at times too. But in my experience TV and sugar may be the culprits! Have you tried diet to help with self control? I found that my kids became screaming banshee's whenever I'd allow them to have Sugar, coke, candy or anything with red food coloring in it - so I stopped allowing it during the week, and they would settle down. Then I got the idea to allow sugary treats like ice cream or one candy treat a week, on Saturday's during the DAY ONLY - and ONLY as a result of their good behavior (you may decide NEVER to allow it after you see what a difference it makes!). I kept track of their behavior using the sticker method - all the free info is on my web site: gomommygo.com, and the part about the sticker chart is here:
http://www.gomommygo.com/thankdontspank.html

Also - TV use should be limited to a half hour a day. And that only as a reward for doing their positive activities and behaviors.
Hope this helps a bit!
There is also lots of GREAT expert advice from the child psychologist, Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
My heart goes out to you,
R.

We have had similar issues with our daughter. Our school director told us about this book, 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, and we've found that she responds well to it. It's taken time to get used to it. It's difficult when you feel exhausted in dealing with it but it's good if you and your significant other both read it and buy off on it and give it a go for at least 6 weeks. You'll see a marked improvement.

Keep your tone civil, low, and just make sure your son knows who's boss. Our daughter still gets counted for things, but she now usually stops at 1 or 2. There are times however that she's gotten her 'time-out' on the 'naughty spot', and it reminds her we're not kidding around.

Good luck! Cheers, C.

Thank God I'm not the only one going thru this. Our daughter was fairly good thru the "terrible twos" only to grow horns when she turned 3. Things are getting better with us thru constant reinforcement. We've been modeling nice manners and demanding the same from her, timeing out when she hits/kicks, making her share with others or not play at all. Its a tough time, but we have to be strong and show them who's boss!

He sounds like a normal 3 year old. It's difficult, but being calm and consistent is the best approach. Make sure he knows how much you love him, then just keep working at it until he eventually learns (it may take years!).

Time outs can do wonders, but its up to you mom to stick with it, he is 3 yrs old so time out no longer than 3 mins, if he wont sit in time out do not yell at him grab him by the hand put him back in time out no talking to him, set the clock again if he gets up again lead him back to time out, over and over again, if you do not stick with this, he will learn how to get out of time out by just screaming, this takes time and patience do not give in ..... I promise it works, but warn you , its not easy the first couple of times.

Be strong, be firm, be consistent, be loving. You are the adult. You are in charge. He is doing what 3 year olds do, test the limits. Get a "time out" chair. Talk to him. Ask him why he hits you and tell him that it hurts you. You'd be amazed at their comprehension.

I just responded to another strong will problem. My simple advice is to be firm and follow thru. Never give in or he wins. He has to learn to submit to your authority. If you have to grab is arms and yell in his face each time, that is what you have to do for him to learn. You are not being mean contrary to what some moms may say. You mentioned "regain my authority". Did he just out of the blue start this? That fact that he behaves away from you is an indication that he knows what is going on. He needs do get his aggression out? Take him to the park before he comes home (assuming daycare). He has learned this and must unlearn it. He will be your sweetie again.

Praise & Punish. Praise him for his good behavior (away from you or with) & punish him for his bad behavior. I don't know what you ordinarily do for his bad behavior but he needs to feel the punishment. Not necessarily a spanken but sometimes that is appropriate. Losing toys, play time, tv programs he likes & such. If he dislikes alone time or quiet time - that could be the trick. Things like the corner (with his hands behind his back & no wiggling) - time would be max of 3 minutes. It is one of those punishments that you cannot just walk away from him while he is there - you have to make sure he is behaving in the corner. There is also "the position". Where they are on all fours w/their hands behind their head. This would be time sensitive too - 2 minutes is a long time in the position. Kids don't like it at all. Blood rushes to their head, & doesn't feel good. Keep asserting your position with him in this manner & do it without wavering or else he will know he can pull more bad behavior. Good luck & God Bless!

Get, read, and implement the Supernanny by Jo Frost.

Read my note to Brandi H. It has some eye openers. Good luck. J.