3 y.o. Just Started Lying

Yay! Her imagination just stated kicking into gear :) :) :) This is actually a sign of a very very GOOD thing.

As Peg and Judy said, you deal with this, by not putting them in a position of being able to lie, and by modeling honesty.

At THIS age, kids frequently do two things:

a) tell you what they WANT to be true
b) hyperfocus on one aspect of something that happened or alter what *really* happened to describe to you how they *felt* about what happened

a) can be things like telling a neighbor "I had to go in an ambulance to the hospital!" (because they think it would be the funnest thing ever -yes i know that funnest isn't a word...but it really nails how THEY feel about it-). The story that they imagine can get quite detailed, and can change at the drop of a hat (they fell off the roof, they were sick, the broke their leg), whatever their imagination tells them would be a reasonable and interesting thing to have happened.

a) can also be "I didn't take the cookie" with the cookie in their hand, because they SEE you're upset, and that's the worst thing in the world to them (our being sad/angry/disappointed in them). So...no WAY would they have taken the cookie...actually translates into "I would never do ANYTHING that would make you sad, mommy". Which is about the sweetest thing in the world, not the trying to not be in trouble thing that an older child would do.

b) Can be things like picking your child up from preschool and having them tell you that all the kids were throwing rocks at him. If you know about the "substitutiary locomotion" thing that happens, you can ask if they were REALLY throwing rocks at him, or if that's what it FELT like. (Ahem, you can also get the lowdown from the teacher...which is why it's sooooo important to have preschool teachers who you trust, and who are paying attention". The throwing rocks at him, in my son's case, was actually that - his feelings had been hurt & he felt like curling up in a ball to protect himself & he felt sad and scared and angry and afraid (like anyone would if all of your friends started randomly stoning you!) He wasn't LIEING about being stoned, he was trying to say how a non-stoning situation had made him FEEL...and that was the best way he could convey it. I suspect he also knew that the idea of him being stoned en masse was something that would get my undivided attention...which he also wanted. So not lieing at all, but miles and miles away from the "truth".

b) can also be things like "my daddy's never home" or "nana yelled at me all afternoon" or "my mum doesn't x" or "my friend did y". or "i want scrambled eggs for every meal" or or or. None of which would be true if taken as an absolute statement. These are the kinds of statements that tell you, again, how your child feels THAT MOMENT about a situation. These are the kinds of statements that call for both examination and further detail.

Three more tricks:

- We (the parents) are still omniscient at this age, and they (the kids) are pretty literal (oddly enough). It's best, I've found never to ask the classic "What are you doing???" thing to a toddler. It seems to send them into a kind of a shock. The "well I had THOUGHT I was painting on the wall with lipstick and maple syrup. But if MUM doesn't know what I'm doing, maybe I'm NOT doing that. If I'm NOT doing that WHAT AM I DOING??? I DON'T KNOOOOOOOW." Whereupon we get the classic answer "I don't know." Which, by then, is actully true. They had THOUGHT they knew what they were doing, but no longer. So it's better to ask "WHY are you shaving the dog, sweetheart?" if you want an answer to your query. If you don't care why they're shaving the dog, or painting with lipstick and maple syrup you just TELL them "Honey, we don't use mummy's lipstick or food on the walls. If you want to paint, we can do it on paper or on the GLASS door...but only after you ASK to paint, and only with paint/etc."

- Ask leading questions (also why toddlers aren't usually allowed as witnesses in a trial), instead of open ended ones. For example...back to the "all of my friends were throwing rocks at me all day" gets the series of questions about "Did that really happen or is that how you felt?" "Did that make you scared? Did that make you angry? Did that make you x,y,z." You have to be REALLY careful about this one...because leading questions CAN imprint your own views instead of finding out theirs. For example it's waaaaaay better to ask if they had fun, than to ask if something was boring or sad or hard or lonely, OR exciting rather than scary...THEN to ask the opposite. IF you get a yes to both, you can ask if something was exciting AND scary, or just one. Sometimes kids make mistakes, (especially with emotions that are close...sometimes they just hadn't thought...and sometimes they feel happy and sad about the same thing, just as we do. I always lead with the positive, but accept the negative. Many parents I know do the opposite, which seems unfair, as that teaches kids to look for the bad about something before the good.

- Model honesty, but don't expect OUR version of honesty yet.

Obviously, if we aren't modeling honesty, they won't know what it looks & feels like...but 9 times out of 10 that fantastic lie they've just told IS them being as honest as they can be. If you shut them down on that...rather then investigating and rewording...that actually teaches them NOT to share with you. AKA to withhold and to lie (for real, lieing). So patience. This stage lasts for a few years.

My bright and verbal 3.5 grandboy fabricates fantastical stories without shame. He tells things as he wishes they were. Or as he senses the adults in his life wish they were.

This is natural and innocent. If Granny were to ask sternly, "G, did you do a naughty thing!?!" of course he's going to say no. He doesn't want his beloved nurturers to be disappointed in him. What little child would? They are completely dependent on their nurturers, and parental disapproval can be deeply unsettling.

So Granny observes instead, "G, I see that you did that thing. Let me tell you why I don't want you to do that any more." I give an age-appropriate explanation, or tell an illustrative story, perhaps very simply introducing the concepts of trust or natural consequences.

This is kinder to the child because it doesn't put him in an impossible (to him) fix. The adult (who, of course, sees all) simply makes an observation and explains why it's undesirable, and perhaps adds a (reasonable) consequence that will occur if the child does it again.

And Granny is watching for moments of truthfulness, too. She might say, "G, I noticed that you told that story just the way it happened. Thank you, I appreciate your honesty!"

Even then, it will take many repetitions before the child really understands what is expected of him. Young children are far more susceptible to impulse than to reasoning. The areas of the brains involved in thoughtful self-control are still developing into early adulthood.

This give and take with adults lays the groundwork for ethical behavior as the child's reasoning skills and life experiences accumulate. With my own daughter, and now with my grandson, I see this approach bearing good fruit. The child gradually learns to behave in a way that wins results he really likes and needs, like cooperation and admiration from his adults. This slowly builds self-esteem and a reliable internal compass. And all this without creating stress or antagonism for the child, or stridency in the parents! It's a good deal all around.

Of course, it's also possible to teach good behavior through fear of punishment. But that tends to remain effective only as long as the child has reason to believe he'll get caught, especially as he becomes more skillful at hiding and disguising his behavior and motives from authority figures. That's when deliberate lying really takes root: when the child uses it to avoid consequences.

--- A. - the reason you are having trouble explaining to your baby what is wrong- is that she is too young to really get it. Now, if you ask her if she took a cookie ---and the cookie is still in her hand-- then you can say --- ''''' Lily, you can say '''' oops-- yes, I'm sorry- I did''' - and show her that the cookie is still in her hand-- but truly--- 3 is too young to get the difference between true and false--- be as accurate and as literal as you can''''' Lily, do you know how the cookie box got torn open?"-- and if she says ''no'' - and you are sure the true answer is ''yes'' - you can say ''' I am sure that you DO know, I wish you'd tell me'' -- but be really careful about labeling as '''lying'' wht a 3 year old sees as trying to stay out of trouble-- they don't understand big peoples' definition of lying. It's tough.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Hi A.,

My advice would be to take the bull by the horns on your end and move the moment past the questioning. That is, if you don't give your child an opportunity to lie, this will become less of a problem in the long run. Kids don't really understand lies ( or even concepts of truth and dishonesty) until they are at least four, from my experience. And even then, their fibs are often part of their fantasy life-- and kids do want to see themselves as 'good'. Therefore, trying to curb fibbing through punishment isn't really effective or appropriate to what they understand at this age.

I myself try to deal with these moments by addressing things factually. "Oh, Lily, I see that you spilled this water/knocked the plant over, etc." Notice that I don't have a question for her to answer, but an observation. Esp. with one kid, it's pretty easy to figure out who-dunnit, so I don't even ask. The next thing we do is fix the problem. "Well, let's get a towel and clean this up." The key here is to be calm, even if it's your umpteenth time today: there's a problem, let's fix it. Then, let's move on, redirecting them if needed. Children will refocus blame if there's a punishment in store, and punishing doesn't really teach children *why* they shouldn't do something (other than a loss of playtime or privileges to them, which may be abstract in reference to what we need them to be doing.) Having to make amends by age-appropriately involving them in repairing something broken, cleaning up a mess or helping a hurt friend (with an ice pack and checking in, and listening to their feelings and stated boundaries (("I don't like when you...")) ) does far more to help children understand how to get along in this world.

I know this is long, but I'm going to be a bit more comprehensive and suggest one more strategy, esp. since you have another on the way: at some point, it will be tempting to try to assign blame to a responsible party. (This may already be the case during playdates and the like.) My tactic is to make all of the children in the area responsible. "Oh, I see the bathroom has water on the floor. Everyone grab a rag and let's all get this floor dry." At this point, the kids are going to start blaming each other and "it wasn't me"-ing, etc. I then turn it around "I don't care who did it, I care that it gets cleaned up." Interestingly enough, when the kids catch on to this, peer pressure is a better correction than adult punishment. Kids do not want to clean up messes other kids made and will discourage these sorts of disruptive actions.

I hope this helps!

Denying that you did something that you might get in trouble for is a fault even we as adults have..LOL. She is probably afraid she will get in trouble if she tells you. We had the policy in our house that if you tell me the truth, you won't be in trouble. for example....did you hit your brother? yes I was mad. Thank you for telling me the truth, and then we talked about it. If it's really bad, I just confronted them and they didn't get a chance to deny it because I KNEW it already. You said she's not making up stuff....that is good. To me at her age lying is telling you something...a story that isn't true. Making up a lie. Like mom....john hit me (when he really didn't) that's the kind of lie that you have to really work on because then you never know what's really happened. They are kind of 2 seperate kinds of lies..and the denying something is a little more typical, but out and out lies and storys that get a reaction are more harmful. you can just teach her that when you say something that isn't true, that is called a lie and there are consequences when you tell a lie about something. Sometimes I use to ask my active imaginative child "did that really happen or is it pretend?" they usually admitted it was pretend, and no punishment happened.

A.,

Aesop's Fables stick in my head. More specifically The Little Boy that Cried Wolf. If she doesn't watch a lot of SuperWHY! it should work. I love public broadcast, but that one show has ruined so many stories that would otherwise be great teaching tools.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I'm actually surprised it only just started happening. You daughter is 3, if she knows she will get into trouble for something she's done she simply will tell a fib. Try a different approach, If you saw/heard her do something she's not supposed to never ask her if she did it. Only state what she did do, briefly explain that behavior is unacceptable and attach an appropriate consequence, whether i be a time out or she clean of the mess and/or she is no longer allowed to play with a particular toy for a few days. This is an extremely common stage for children and addressing the lying itself may not be the beast idea at this point. Simply avoid putting her in a position where she feels she has to lie. If the behavior continues as she gets a bit older address it then, but now the behavior is the most important thing to address.