3 Year Old Will Not Go to Sleep by Herself!!

I second the recommendation for a calm, consistent bedtime routine in helping set the stage for an easier time parenting your 3 yr old to sleep. We have a 3.5 yr old daughter, and until just recently, one of us has always snuggled with her after stories until she was asleep - partly because she wanted & needed that closeness and we were happy to provide it, and partly because parenting can be just exhausting so at times we succombed to that opportunity to rest, too (sometimes we'd joke that she'd put one of us to sleep instead of our putting her to sleep!). ;)

However, at some point for us it started being a bit frustrating, too (uh, when her little brother was born earlier this year). So something had to change.

DISCLAIMER: As you know, parenting is never one-size-fits-all, so I share what worked for us. It may not work for you, or it may spark you to think of something else that will. Regardless, I hope your family is able to find a win-win solution.

OK, so we already had a good bedtime routine in place. My husband and I do not like the cry-it-out method because it just doesn't feel right for our family and we feel there's a more compassionate, gradual way (if we were in our daughter's position, we wouldn't want to have to cry it out). So we brainstormed and read a few different opinions/suggestions, and I *wish* I could remember where this came from so I could give proper credit, but what worked for us was to identify what need of hers wasn't being met such that she needed one of us to lay down with her. For her, she needed to know/feel that we're close by, able to get to her quickly if she would need us for anything, and she did not like to feel super alone in a dark room with the door closed.

So, here's what our routine looks like now:

1) Bedtime routine as normal (pjs on, brush teeth, use toilet, hop in bed for stories, then lights out with 3-5 minutes of tucking in/cuddling/snuggling)...

2) The last step is hugs & kisses with mom or dad getting up from the bed. We remind her that we're right downstairs doing something concrete (so she can relate to it easily) and that one of us will be up right after that to check on her, and then WE FOLLOW THROUGH - usually she's asleep by the 2nd check-in.

An example of how this sounds: "Sleep tight, sweetie. We love you so much and I'll check in on you soon. I am going downstairs now to empty the dishwasher (or switch the laundry, or nurse your little brother), and as soon as I'm done I'm done, I will come right back up and check on you." She is fine with this for the majority of nights, but on other nights she might be upset (usually when she's overtired or not feeling well) and says, "But I want a live person to lay with me!" I empathize with her, and remind her that we've snuggled a little bit already, that I'm thinking of her while I'm doing (laundry, dishes, nursing brother), will check on her very soon, and that I am listening for her on the monitor. And on these nights, I try to make my first "check in" sooner, which seems to help. Also, we're not opposed to laying with her until she's asleep for a few nights a week, but that's the exception now as opposed to the rule. I just can't attend to her baby brother's needs if I lay with her, but I do try to support her need for not feeling alone (by checking in, reassuring her that I am thinking of/listening for her).

* Oh, and we leave the door 1/2 open, and sometimes a nightlight (if she asks).

Best of luck with rearranging the routine so that it's working better for all of you - hang in there! :)

1 mom found this helpful

This is a common problem, but not impossible to solve. You just have to be willing to follow through. It's not going to be easy. At 3, she's probably pretty set in her ways.

My son had the same problem, but I realized it was my problem, too, because I kept giving in to his demands. I couldn't stand to just let him cry! I started weaning him of his nightime attachment to me by tucking him in, kissing him goodnight, and leaving the room. He would cry and scream and work himself up into such a fit! I would wait 5 minutes (often just outside his door, crying too) and then go into his room, stroke his hair for 5 seconds (literally!) and leave again, assuring him that I love him. He would cry again, and I would wait 10 minutes before going into his room to repeat the reassurances. I did this over and over, adding 5 minutes to the time I waited before going into his room to soothe him yet again.

There were nights this process took 3-4 hours. I did this EVERY NIGHT for 22 long days, but he now goes to sleep on his own. We also gradually introduced a nightime routine, and he not only knows what comes next when I say, "It's time for bed," he goes through the routine cheerfully almost entirely on his own! He knows that if he REALLY needs me, he can call for me in his "big boy" voice, and I will come to help him.

This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I hated every minute of it. But it's over, and he's not scarred for life, and we are both happier now that he sleeps through the night. Since January of this year, he's only called for me once. Oh, and he also sleeps 11 hours a night!

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

Don't give in. You don't have to give in. Go in periodically while she is crying and reassure her you are there and then leave. Eventually she WILL fall asleep. If she knows you will give in eventually then why no keep crying? If she knows you won't give in then she will fall asleep and the next night she might only cry for an hour and it will decrease. The hard part is getting through the first night.
Good luck.

Have you tried a noise machine (plays nature sounds, or white noise)- or even a radio or CD playing softly may help... you could even try a small aquarium with a goldfish.. the noise from the air pump/water is soothing and your daughter may not feel as lonely/scared with a fishy friend ? good luck

Routine is the best way, also my ped told me that it is okay to have a hallway light on if that helps to keep us out of the room. If that seems to work then it would tend to be that she is afraid of something. Find a routine that works and try that if that doesn't seem to work my ped has me giving our three year old Meletonin, it is in the vitamin area of any store and I give her 1 mg about 1/2 before bed time, that helps her to fall asleep. Before giving this to her we would be fighting her for hours to go to bed. Now we just give her apple juice with it in there and she is asleep in about 30 minutes or less.

Hope you find a way!!!

You know my 4 year old son just started going to bed on his own about 3 weeks ago. He had this thing where he wanted to fall asleep on the couch and then I'd carry him into bed. Well I didn't really mind..he needed what he needed..then all the sudden he proclaimed to me.."I want to go to sleep in my own bed now mommy" I hugged him and said how proud I was of him. I think just letting him work out whatever it was he needed to work out..helped a lot. He even slept through the night! With his father and I divorcing and all that comes with that..I just let him work things out. Now I don't have to carry him to bed..which is a good thing..can't imagine doing that when he's 12!!!

This will require some habitual changes on everyone's part.

Start by avoiding sugary drinks such as koolaid, soda, or juice after three pm. Water and milk will help a lot more.

Set a routine. About an hour before bedtime, start with brushing teeth, bathing (using a lavender scented soap will calm a child to sleepiness), and getting into comfy jammies.

Have her pick out a book, sit and read (move to her bed after the first couple of days), and cuddle. Snuggle. NO ACTIVE stuff like tickling or blowing on the belly. Only calm stuff. The first week or so, stay til she's asleep then slowly work your way backwards til she's sleepy and starts putting herself to bed.

Pretty much after the afternoon snack the whole house here goes into calm-down mode. (It also helps that the kids don't get three hour long naps. I'll let the sleep until two pm- no matter what time they actually fell asleep.) They play after their naps, then have a snack and it's inside activities the rest of the day.

And it does work. Just providing a steady routine with few energy boosting foods late in the day makes my son want to start his bedtime routine at six thirty. He's down (on his own) by 8.

Hi K.,

I have five children ranging from 17 to 9yrs. Each one of them had there time where they wanted to sleep with mom and dad. It will get better, I promise! When your one year old is a little older your three year old will be the big sister and they could share a room for a while. My kids always likes having an extra person in the room, until they got to be a teenager of course. My kids always started off in there bed, sometimes I had to lay down with them until they fell asleep, but it never failed, before morning, I always had at least two in bed with us. As they get older they do grow out of it, especially if they have a brother or sister sharing a bedroom with them. Then when they become teenagers you couldn't beg them to spend a few hours with you. So, be patient a while longer, she only want the security that you aren't gona leave her. Also, when ever I prayed with them I always said in the prayer, so the kids could hear it, "please let Matthew know that you are with him, and let him know that you won't let any thing happen to him, and let him have only good dreams." The kids always felt safer and would not let me miss a night praying with them. Good luck, I hope this helps you.

Hi, I think it will take a while, I'm guessing that you have always done this. She dosn't know how to fall asleep on her own. I'm one of the let her cry it out people. When she learns it doesn't work she will give up. It's going to take a while untill she learns how to fall asleep on her own. I have a Daycare child that does the same thing, she can actually make herself throw up and uses it to get what she wants (not at my house because she knows it does not work). So I would let her cry, come in every 30 to 40 minutes to lay her back down (with a minimum amount of interaction) and if she throws up just clean it up and lay her back down. Trust me if she realizes that throwing up can get what she wants she might start using it. Kids are really smart (at least that was what happened with my Daycare Child).
Good Luck

hi K.
I have a 4 year old and a 16 month old. I think its perfectly natural for them not to go to sleep on thier own at that age. My son slept with us until he was 3.5, then we moved him into his own room. We still lay down with him for a while, read a couple books, and lay for a while before we get up. It took a few months before we could leave before he was totally asleep. A big thing for us was just not making a big deal about sleep. If he was scared he could come into our bed or we would lay with him. That way he always knows we are here for him and he is not afraid, which led to him going to sleep on his own sooner. There's no 'right age' for kids to sleep on their own. They are all different. They pick up a lot on the parents frustrations, so if they sense you are upset, they think there is something scary and they will be upset too. All the parents I know who try to respect what their child needs and let the child know that would say their kids would not go to sleep on their own till probably 4 or 5. Its hard because our society basically tries to separate us from our kids from the moment they are born and views children are manipulative and all the 'experts' tell us not to listen to our children or meet their needs. But my opinion is that children need to form strong attachment to us and know that we are here for them and only we are 'experts' in our own childrens needs. I think if we really listen to them that its not 'giving in' but really connecting with them and what they need in that moment. Do you have resources, friends, a group of people to get advice from, who do believe in listening to children? I ask because I know when I first had kids, I learned quickly not to ask most of friends and family about issues regarding sleep becuase they all had the view lots of people in our society do, viewing children as 'manipulative' and not to be given in to, which I find really sad. There is lots of great resources on attachment parenting. There is also some great books out there on connecting with kids and really listening to them. Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn is awesome. Also, Everyday Blessings by Jon Kabat Zinn is a great book.
Good luck. Its difficult in our society, but I find it really helpful to just listen to what my child needs and tune out the 'helpful advice' givers.

K.,

My 2 1/2 year old can also be hard to get to sleep. Although- he usually evently goes down. Does she have a blanky or special stuffed animal. That really helps Brendan. We tell him, Mama has to go to bed in her bed now, but Moo Bear (it's a long story) will stay here and cuddle you. That helps. He also likes to draw out the bedtime stories, so some nights I tell him, mama is going to bed, but you can read the story to Moo Bear.

Good luck- I know it is frustrating.

My son was the same way. You have to stand firm. Do it at a time such as the weekend when you don't have to go anywhere in the morning. My husband couldn't take the process so he would actually leave at bedtime. I explained to my son that we would have a three song cuddle (my kids both listen to music at bedtime). After the three song cuddle I left the room and let him cry and scream. It took a long time the first few times but eventually they get that you mean business. If you let her cry for three hours and then give in you have taught her that if she just keeps carrying on she will get what she wants. She needs to learn that NO amount of hysterics will work. Good Luck.

Hi K.,

Please know that this is very age appropriate behavior! Most kids struggle with sleeping independantly as they gain more independance throughout their daily lives. Both of my girls had difficulties with sleep, but for different reasons. My oldest, now 8, was 6 before she could fall asleep in her own bed without my husband or I in the room with her! We too have a nightly routine, similar to your own, although it has changed slightly as she has gotten older. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to help her feel comfortable, calm and secure. Let her know well in advance of bedtime what is going to happen(we will brush teeth...etc), and ask her how you can help her to feel more relaxed going to sleep on her own. Maybe you can start by setting an amount of time that you will remain in her room once you are done reading (say, 20 min), and reduce it by 5 min every 4 or 5 days. Make sure that she understands when you are reducing it, and that she is comfortable, she needs to feel that she has some control over what is happening to her, this should help to reduce some of her anxiety. Reassure her that you will just be a short distance away if she needs you during the night. I understand how frustrating and exhausting this problem can be, just try to stay relaxed about bedtime and hang in there, it will get easier! Good luck, I hope this helps!

My son went threw this after your nomal routine have you tried playing lullabies and a nitelite, I also would go in every hour pat his back let him know I love him. Don't give up it take a few days about a week
good luck
D.

It may help to tell her that you'll snuggle with her for 2 minutes and then have to leave. Expect that she'll ask for more time and be sure to plan the extra time in your routine then tell her you have to leave and need her to sleep in her bed. An incentive may work like getting stickers the next day to put on a calendar and if she gets so many she gets something special as well. Good luck.

This is a hard one, especially at this age. Before you put her to bed tell her what the routine will be, i.e. read book,tell stories then you are going to bed by youself. It will be hard the first few nights. I would not lay down with her at all. Good Luck!

This was the situation with our 3 year old up until a few months ago. Even though her 6 year old sister is in bed with her, she would not go to sleep unless I laid down with her. What we had to do was after I read the books and kissed them good night, only my husband would respond to their cries or calls. The kids clearly would dramatize when I went into the room. He would lay down with them if the 3 year old was really upset, but he had to do it less and less. Sometimes we threatened to close the door to their room if they kept crying or making noise. Many times that stopped it. My 6 year old was also helpful and sometimes would tell the 3 year old that if she stopped crying, she would scratch her back.

I like it that my 3 year old is not sleeping completely alone. I think if she wasn't in bed with her sister, I would probably still lay down with her at night to get her to sleep. I don't like sleeping alone so I don't feel like my kids should learn to. Most people sleep with someone else the majority of their lives anyway.

If your that is your goal though, my oldest would have easily slept on her own at around age 5.