3 Year Old Son with Problems at Daycare

One thing you might try as well is to use Grandma one day a week as a treat. I know he is very young, but maybe you can say - if you can be good this week (no hitting/biting/etc). you can stay with grandma one day. Maybe you could even start small - if he is good on Monday, he can go to Grandma's on Tuesday. Then, expand it - if he is good on Monday and Tuesday, he can go to Grandma's on Wednesdays.

I 2nd another mom too - with the sensory overload. My son had sensory integration disorder and his behavior at daycare was very different from home. At home, all was organized and quiet and he could get my undivided attention at any time. But at daycare, there is a lot of noise and a lot of other kids. My son spent a lot of time crying just from sensory overload.

Good luck!
L.

First I would not punish him at home. He needs immediate consequences for his actions and I just think that would be confusing for a child to be punished hours after the incident.
Every morning I would speak to him about your expectations for the day (no hitting, doing what you are told etc.). Frankly, since he does not have this behavior at home I think the daycare provider may not be handling him well. I worked at a daycare in HS and never had a child that we could not handle and certainly never had to call the parents about a child misbehaving. Also, if they know he is a hitter and kicker, why would the daycare worker allow him to hit them. Are you telling me your child is a 180lb giant that can not be controlled:) What would they like you to do about it when you are at work?
I would certainly let his grandmother take him one day a week and I would look for another day care that can handle him.
Good Luck! This must be very difficult.

Hi L.,

Have you tried asking the teachers what happens before the hitting, kicking, headbutting happens? What is the trigger? Is it just because he doesn't want to nap or is there behaviors like this going on throughout the day? Maybe there is sensory overload in the classroom and not at home. Is there more structure at home than the preschool? How is he with socialization with other children? I feel that your son can't answer you because he doesn't know himself why he is acting the way he does. He feels misunderstood and angry and probably even emotionally anxious. By now, he has created a pattern of negative behavior. I wonder do the teachers praise him when he does do the right thing to reinforce the positive?

I understand your concern because the same thing happened to me. I'm not saying what your son has is what my son was eventually diagnosed with (Aspergers) but behavioral problems are just symptoms of the core problem. Speak with your doctor to either diagnose or refer you to someone who can. What I do know is that the earlier you can intervene with the behavior either through therapies the easier it is for you and him. Check out your local children's hospital and look for a developmental evaluation department perhaps they can help. Good Luck!

I like the answers you've gotten but I'm not entirely sure I agree with letting Grandma take him. . . . I do think you need to daily set limits and expectations and maybe use Grandma as a reward? Otherwise you are rewarding him for bad behaviour because you are giving him what he wants when he acts up (does that make sense?). I don't know if that is do-able for your schedule but maybe tell him if he is good Mon - Thurs he can go to Grandma's on Friday, but if you have issues during the week he has to go back to daycare on Friday? I have a 3 year old and sometimes she needs constant reminders, and I agree that an immediate discipline is necessary, but sometimes me just saying "do you want to be able to do ABC" will change her attitude and her actions immediately. Good luck - 3 is a tough age!!

Maybe its a problem with the daycare???

I understand how you feel! My son had the same problems. In fact, he was asked to leave 4 different daycares because of hitting and yelling. He is now 25 years old, and still difficult to an extent. In the last few years I've been reading about Autism and specifically Asperger's syndrome. I believe that he may have Asperger's but he won't be tested. I wish I had known more when he was younger, but it really wasn't talked about then. Please consider talking to your son to his pediatrician for testing.

He's having transitioning issues and many changes in his life:

1) he has a new sibling. And thus, this sets-up a whole different bunch of parental 'expectations' upon HIM, now. Because he is now, suddenly, an 'eldest' child. Whether he is ready for that or not. And IF these 'new" expectations, upon him, as an Elder sibling are not age-appropriate... a child will not adjust well. Just because a child is an eldest sibling, does not mean they then 'change' and act 'older.'

2) he is being sent to Daycare

3) At Daycare, it is a whole different set of things to adjust to. ie: lots of other kids, rules, parameters, different routines, many personalities of other kids and dynamics etc.

Does he have to go to Daycare, right now?

Him saying things like 'I want my Grandma", and "I don't have to listen to you" or "Leave me alone" is him, a mere 3 year old, displaying his limits, his tolerance levels, his comfort for things, and he is expressing it. Articulately.
Sure, this is not allowed at a 'school' or 'daycare.'
But in this kind of dynamic, some kids just get over-stimulated, tweaked, irritated, and just not so compliant, because, it can be overwhelming.

It also has to do with emotional maturity and readiness, for a child.
And sure, all kids have adjustment issues at times to 'school' , and they either get adjusted or do not. Per their emotional development/maturity.

Let Grandma have him.
She is willing.
You are lucky.

all the best,
Susan

It sounds like he's going through a phase and it might be a good idea to let Grandma keep him that one day a week. It's really a maturity issue (and they change so rapidly at this age). You may have a little sibling rivalry in there too and he's just trying to feel "noticed" the best way he can. Definitely make time for you and or dad to do special things with him alone without the baby. Let him know that you understand his baby brother is kind of a crybaby and stuff and you like to hang out with HIM cuz he such a big boy. He needs to feel he hasnt lost any of his seniority in the pack :)
Acting out at school is him trying to be in charge of something since he feels like he lost some of it at home. That is my guess. And I think Grandma would be a good one for him to hang out with and get his esteem back on track. If she's willing, I think it's a good idea and worth a shot. He might no need preschool right now, he might be feeling slighted that little brother is home with you and he isnt. You just have to work on him to make him feel really good about who he is independent of the baby.