3 Year Old Loses His Mind When People Come over...HELP!

My first son did this as well, he also has slight OCD issues so I know how you feel. We would explain the difference b/w inside behavior and outside behavior - when we are inside we don't "you fill in the blank here" but we can do those things outside ... that way we could simply say 'this is not how we behave inside' and we would ask him to go to his room until he could calm down and act appropriately inside. I know it is more difficult when grandparents come, especially when you feel like you have to 'train' them too. Just explain to them as well that it might be ok behavior for them but he doesn't understand when it is ok for grandma but not ok for friends and we need to remain consistent right now until he is old enough to understand. My child is 5 and for the most part 'gets it' now but we occasionnally have the crazy behavior ... we just quietly tell him to go to his room until he can calm down so it isn't made into a big deal in front of everyone. Good luck!

I have to second Kristina...do some reading about Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). The Out-of-Sync Child is a great book and the companion book The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun is helpful for you to find ways to channel his sensory needs into good activities that will help him. It sounds like you are starting to identify his triggers and doing some reading will help you understand the why. It will also start to help you understand whether he has ADHD (though only a professional can diagnose), SPD, or both.

It can also help kids that age to have a "gauge" drawn on paper with an arrow that they can move. The gauge can be split into 5 sections that represent different energy levels (1=sleepy, 2=quiet, 3="just right", 4=excited, 5=crazy) Compare it to a car engine and take him for a drive to demonstrate how a car feels at those different levels. If he likes to draw/color, he can draw what he feels like at those different levels. Then use the gauge at different times of the day (keep it on the fridge or somewhere his level) and ask him to move the arrow to the level that he feels like he is at any given point in the day. This will help him start to be more conscious of how he is feeling.

Watch for triggers like hunger, loud noise, not enough run/jump/swing time (or too much), tiredness, bright lights, etc.

You may want to read a book called "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" ... there are activities and games that are sensory based, but they work for my 4yr old who has been diagnosed with Adhd ... We do a few things our favorite is burrito blanket, (wrap him up in a comforter and shake him up, drag him around, tickle etc) it gets a lot of his energy out before people come over, there are tons of other activities to do to help get some of it out first. Also, setting rules and boundaries of how rough one can be with ANYONE, and my son also has to ask permission of someone before they can get rough. Good luck, hope some of this helps.

I am a Mom/Auntie to a whole grip of kids, 6 boys and 1 girl ages 19-3...and they ALL do/did this! I think your kiddo is pretty normal :)

~What I do, is either pull him/her into another room for a quick small and nice reminder to not get too excited, 'I know Grandma is here and you are so excited but she will be here for a good amount of time so lets not get too rowdy, k'? OR I express my concerns to all my guests (usually it's just family, so it's easy) 'Ya know lil' Johnny is so excited to see you, you get him all riled up you suffer like the rest of us' or something similar and funny...that way you don't have to feel on edge or embarrassed about the whole thing!

This is normal kid stuff! If your Mom doesn't mind...you shouldn't either! Don't worry too much, it does get a little better with age, not all together way better but better :)

yep, it's normal! & it could be worse: he could be screaming, too.

Be very thankful that he's happy, that he's excited to be a part of the moment, & that he & Gma are creating some very special moments together. My sons are 14 & 23....& they treasure their wrestling memories of my MIL & my Dad....both whom took the time to drop to their level!

As for those other guests, once you start embracing his uniqueness...then they will, too. As Margie M. mentioned, bring out the Playdoh & let him purge some of that wild energy in a productive manner! Before the company arrives, have a family conference about expected behavior & encourage him to tackle the Playdoh & make something really cool for the guests.....give him a goal & you might be surprised at what happens! Peace.....

I heard a story on TV about a month or so ago where the news story was a Dutch study of ADHD that found 64% of kids on ADHD medication could be taken off the medication by a change in diet. Our son was allergic to FD&C yellow #5, FD&C red and blue. When we took those out of his diet he calmed down tremendously (and this was 20 or so years before th Dutch study).

Good luck to you and yours.

Visitors are exciting. Especially if they are not an everyday event. He can probably also sense when you are stressed/nervous. Is he getting enough sleep? It may also help to take him outside or to the park and get some good physical activity in before you have company (I know, one more thing to add before guest show up, not easy). Reviewing your expectations before guests arrive will likely help. Maybe practice how to greet the guests (eye contact, shake hands, say his name, or a gentle hug if they are good friends/family) before they arrive. I think it works better to let him know what he can/should do while you have guests, rather than what he cannot (so much easier to think about a giraffe than to not think about a blue elephant). So it might be - when guest come we walk, sit on the couch and play gently. Let him know that you know it is exciting for him and that if he is getting so excited he can't follow the rules, that you and he will go somewhere quiet together (not punishment/banishment/time out) until he can interact correctly again. I see no reason to think this would indicate he is anything other than a normal child.

Well, I do agree with your mom that he does sound like a typical 3 y/o boy, BUT that doesn't mean that behavior is always acceptable. My daughter is pretty similar, she's 3.5, and things that work for me are to go over my expectations before people come over. I will give her scenarios and ask for a response. Then I will ask her what will happen if she does something that I don't like (ie: act too crazy, yell, use rude language, whatever) and then we go over the consequences and expectations. You could also role play and pretend you are Grandma and have him do the "wrong" way (kids love that) and then do the "right" way to act when Grandma is around. I put my kids in time out or remove them from a situation whether or not we're alone or have company so that I can stay consistent and that they know what to expect.

I don't think you're being too harsh or expecting too much, even though his behaviors sound typical that doesn't mean they need to be tolerated. As parents we have to work through these types of issues and teach our kids when and where it's okay to act like a nut...and it's usually not in my living room! ;)

I like Dana's idea of explaing the expectations in advance and removing him for a quiet time if he is in violation of those rules. You may need to stay with him during the removal to help calm him down and review the expectations. He is only 3 and hopefully maturity and consequences (missing play time to calm down) will work. Does he go to preschool? If not, maybe try a Mom's Day Out that features lots of free-time and choice (not one that is "sit and do worksheets") and see how he does there and what the teachers think. That will give you a better idea of how he compares to other 3 year old boys in a setting where you are not there. (I know my son has ALWAYS acted worse when I am around.) Please be careful of labeling your child ADHD at such an early age. The label will follow him his entire school career. If he is and needs medication, by all means get him that help. However, at this age boys are VERY rambunctious as a rule and I hate to see kids labeled/medicated if it's not necessary. Best wishes to you!

OMG! You are describing my son! He is almost 5 now and it **finally** started to get better over the past year. I think it was 50% maturity and 50% mom and dad working our a$$es off with him.
I don't agree with your mom that you should accept it. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart. It's not healthy for you to get very little adult time because you have to constantly worry about his behavior.

I'm only going to address one part of the issue -- grandmother -- because others addressed your son's role so well.

Your mom's generation often has a "Boys will be boys" mind-set that lets little boys get away with a lot. But in this case it isn't a matter of grandma being fun and letting grandson be a tad naughty because that's a grandma's prerogative; in this case, she's contributing to a larger problem that you must deal with even after she is gone.

Why does she play with him roughly? Why can't she, as someone else noted, bring him cool new things to do together that are quieter? Maybe she holds the stereotype that boys must be constantly active, bouncy and rough, and she would think of doing a craft with a girl but not with a boy. Wrong. Boys need ALL kinds of interaction, not just rough play, and your son particularly needs not to get so riled up.

So I would sit down with your mom and tell her there is a bigger issue here than just her fun time with her grandson, and that you don't "need to go with it." That's actually a bit insulting of her to tell you that because she's essentially sayiing she knows better than you -- but you know your own son best, and this situation is turning your whole household upside down after she leaves, so she never has to deal with the consequences of her playing with him this way.

You want to approach it so you can enlist her help, not make her angry or have her stamp off saying, "Well, then! I just wont' come over any more!" If you think she's likely to do that rather than listen and help you out, perhaps ensure that when she comes over you ALL go to the park so he can run around and burn off steam there, or you have another specific activity planned instead of just letting her "visit" and end up rough-housing with him.

First, tell your mom to pipe down and not play so rough. Boys who are excited easily will just take this and run with it! Next, tell him about 10 min before they come over what you expect from him and how he is to behave. Tell him the consequences if he chooses not to behave nicely---like staying in his room while the guests are there until he is ready to behave or till they leave if he chooses not to listen to you. Either way, you have to be consistent in whatever you choose. This will pass....he is testing you big time!! I completely understand. Take care-- M

visitors are exciting - your mom getting him all riled up is making it worse. but also, your stressing out about it is making it worse. how about just setting some ground rules (not wrestling on the funiture, not around little sister, etc) and if those are broken, he goes to his room? it is totally normal for a 3 year old to get super excited when company comes over. and yes, your son may be on the far end of the energy spectrum. but there's no reason to give up hope. expect him to be rowdy, accept that - but insist on some basic manners no matter how excited he gets. he's getting off on the excitement of the company, so if he can't behave himself, that goes away and he spends some time alone in his room. just my suggestion. good luck!

I've worked with little ones for a long time, however, your suggestion that your son may be an atypical child (ADHD) makes me reticent to offer advice. I don't know what would work well for a child who has this diagnosis. Have you considered having an eval done? This sounds like a question for the pediatrician.

That said, my little guy (very typical) also gets excited when we have visitors. Little kids do sometimes rev up when company arrives.

My son is the same way. Whenever we have company he acts like a nut also. It drives me nutz, but I also think it is sad because he can be so annoying that company doesn't want to be around him. He is extremely friendly and seems to make friends where ever he goes, but I am afraid at some point, others will wear thin and what onced worked for him socially will no longer be acceptable for his age group. So, sorry - no advice, but you are not alone. I am also excited to read others anwers.

I think it's time for mom to join you and hubby and have calm things for him to do while she is over. Bring out the crayons, playdough, or whatever.
Tell her beforehand that you need to work on this and she needs to be part of his team.
Something that works with my husband----The doctor said blah blah blah, sometimes that gets through to him better than me saying I read on the internet ______
So tell her you have a ped appt and then tell her the doctor said you ALL, including Grandma, have to be on the same page.

My boy acts the same! He is going to be 5 but not much has changed. At home he isnt too bad but as soon as we have company...look out! My neighbor comes to visit with her daughter & he goes bonkers as soon as they leave he starts listening to us again. So weird! My mom visits often too but what has worked a little is I try to role play with him before we have guests. We get some stuffed animals & we pretend thats our company coming over & I tell him the rules & to be respectful. It helps but he just gets out out of control. Good luck & when you find what works for you be sure to post :)

I haven't read all of your answers yet but here is something that worked for me, when dealing with bad/unwanted behavior from my 3 boys, (and yes they can be very active). I would set them up... for example if I were in your situation I would call a friend, and ask her to come over, (have her bring a child/playmate for your son if she has one) let your friend know that this is a teaching moment and that you will be helping your child learn to behave as you want him to in front of company. before they come over, give your child the expectations you want him to follow, then when they get there, allow him to make his own choices of how he wants to behave, then when he misbehaves give him one warning then if he misbehaves again, focus on giving him consequences for his behavior, (time out, or what ever your discipline choice is) your friend will know ahead of time that this is what you are planning on doing, that it really isn't about getting to visit this time, so when you have to put a lot of focus into the consequences your friend will be comfortable with the process. then continue the play day and the pattern of warning and consequence as needed. hope that makes sense, I used to have trouble with my boys at the store... I would set them up by getting a shopping cart with a few things in it, then when they would pitch a fit about me not buying them a toy/candy I would pick them up and walk out leaving the cart, one time I did it with a toy in the cart, because they would not behave appropriately. it only took a few tries and they learned very quickly to behave. I've used the same tactic with other things as well and it works very well for me. if you have any questions you can PM me. by setting your son up to behave at home when there is company, he will realize that he will get the same consequence even if there is company, only your company will know that this is really a teachable moment disguised as a play day. and for you it will make it very easy to leave your guest and deal with your son's behavior without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable about what is going on.

as far as your Mom... talk to her about the rules you want your son to follow, and ask your Mom to help you, help him to follow them, if they want to play rough they need to do it out side in a safe place where your daughter can't get hurt. If your Mom doesn't want to follow your lead then you have to make a decision to allow her to do as she wants to... or stop her, buy limiting her contact with your son till his behavior is where you want it to be, personally I'd give your Mom the benefit of the doubt and not limit her from seeing your son, but that is just me.

I went through a similar issue with my middle child. This website helpes give you some different ways of thinking. Take a look and see what you can get out of it.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

teach him that even when vistors come he has to be calm. he can play with them but he has to still be calm.