3 Kids and Too Busy Dad.

Hi M. I so understand what you are going threw my husband works two jobs. One being a fireman which he is gone 24 hours at a time and when he's not there then he is at he's other job. My best advice would be to pray about it. I couldnt get threw the day with out God. I totally understand about feeling lonely, and like a single mom. I do everything myself take the trash out, laundry, clean, cook, earns, pay bills, and the list goes on. But, I difently think you should talk to your husband about this. COMMUNICATION is key. I talk to my husband about it and for Valentines I got a day at the spa. Massage, facial and pedicure. I cant wait. So maybe if you talk to your hubby. He will do something for you. Also you two should plan a date night and get a sitter. That also helps. Girl do something so you can keep sane. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND GOOD BLESS!!!!

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Although I do not have 3 kids. My husband also works very long hours. Since your oldest is 12 do you think that you could get him to help out around the house. Also I am sure that the 4 year old and may be even 2 year old can help run things around the house for you. I have my 2 year old put cloths away for me when I am folding. Remember that the cloths will not stay folded so I usually give him socks and underwear to put in drawers. Then he can learn listening skills as well. Just an idea. Also, prioritize what you would like to get done. And don't do it all in one night but may be 1-2 items a night. I hope that helps.
T.

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M.,
I would first, stop for a moment and just breathe. I have four sons ages 18, 16, 10 and 6. When I worked full time life was chaotic. Now I am very blessed to be able to stay home, however I am a full time student now...lol

Remeber your not supergirl..and don't try to keep up with everything, you can't. First off, talk to your husband, explain to him how you feel like things are falling apart. You two must communicate. Second, put those boys to work helping...trash, pickup, dusting, etc.. they will not do it as well as you so don't expect it, but if you make it a game and not a chore, you'll be surprised. Thirdly, try to take a few moments everyday just for yourself. Whether it be hiding out in the bathroom with a tub full of bubbles, (i know wishful thinking) or just stepping outside and gazing at the stars.

My strength comes from my heavenly father. I could not make it with a houseful of men without his guidance. Realize the blessings you have been given and the honor you have of raising sons to be men of character. I'll put you on my prayer list, for strength, peace, and a rest. God bless you M.~

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M.,
I SO feel for you. My husband too is a workaholic and when I was much younger with little ones it was very difficult. What helped was to adopt the attitude of a single parent, not to block my husband out, but just so I could get as much done as possible and not go insane. If you begin to think that you are the only person that is around, you also begin to sort out priorities and realize that even if you can't get everything "done", you can still get the most important things accomplished. Also, you need to face the fact that you are never going to get to go to bed with everything done on your list. But you can ask yourself some questions, like....did my kids smile and seem happy? did I hug them and tell them I love them? do they feel ready to face tomorrow? Also, don't forget that even the youngest child can pick up a few things and help you out around the house.
Hope this helps. My kids are teenagers now and I still never finish my "list", but I remember how frantic I used to feel on a daily basis that I was failing. Keep your spirits up, prioritize the important stuff and take 10 minutes to be by yourself everyday.
S

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The boys need to help. Not only for you, but for them; they need to feel that they are useful and important. Besides, with early training in household chores they will be far ahead when they are adults and have to do these things for themselves.

Cathy

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You are right. You can't do it all yourself and you shouldn't have to. You really need to put your foot down and get your husband to help out. Either that or hire someone to help you out. Do what makes you happy. You are no good to anyone, including yourself if you are miserable...and that's not what lifes about. Wouldn't you agree??

Wow, you are a busy mom! I think the main thing that might help are some systems in place when life is that busy. My husband finally convinced me to make some systems (I was a very anti-system individual :) and now our life is running so much smoother. For instance, we have specific laundry collection locations and we do laundry a specific day of the week. We can do it anytime we want but on Saturday it has to be done. We also have specific chores, My husband does the lawn on the weekend and he washes clothes. I put away all the clothes and do the rest of the housework. But amazingly just having him wash the laundry lifts a burden. So I am thinking for you because your hubby is so busy, maybe your 12 year old can have one or two chores that you reward him for that he does consistenly. Like maybe unloading the dishwasher every day or whatever would help take one thing off of you. Also, I don't know what your schedule is but I have found that cooking ahead is a great help. You have a bunch of guys so that might be tough for you, but if it is possible having one or two leftovers nights a week has been a great help to me. Your four year old can help out too by simply putting his toys away before bath or bed or whenever you determine is time to stop playing for the day. I think with some systems in place like just for example your 12 year old unloading dishes everyday vacuuming once a week and keeping room relatively straight and your 4 year old picking up toys daily. Along with everybody knowing where to put dirty clothes and maybe designating a day when all laundry is done and possibly trying to cook enough for two meals at a time your life could be a bit easier. Still tough, but maybe a little simpler! I hope this helps :) I don't want to say you won't still be a bit overworked but at least you might not feel so overwhelmed, I hope your hubby's schedule settles down, that would probably help the most:)

Have you considered sitting down to discuss with your husband the possibility of you quitting work to stay at home and raise your kids. See if he thinks he could pay the bills and if you guys could cut back on the money you spend, make a plan, etc. Another option is to work part time, to free up some of your time. Resentment can really build when you are working, cleaning house, cooking, and meeting your kids AND your husband's needs. It is pretty hard to do all that and remain cheerful and energetic. Something has to give, so of course, the housework has to be what you sacrifice, unless you have someone come and clean it once a week. Your family has to come first. Your husband needs you, your 12 year old is REALLY gonna need your guidance at that body-changing age, and your young ones need you a lot, too.
I was a career woman, too. When I had a disabled child, I cut way back to part-time until she started school and even then, went back and forth from full to part-time as needed. Then when my parents were aging/needy, my husband said he could support us, so I retired early to help care for them.
Best wishes and know that your struggle is pretty common and many a working mom has cried from sheer exhaustion.
Linda C

Hi M., my life is similar. I do get home a bit earlier, but my boys play football spring and fall, and my husband doesn't get home till after 7pm most nights,plus I building a home based business! I do cooking for my dinners on Sunday and then use my slow cooker during the week...it's been such a help not having to worry about dinner when we get home. They sell slow cookers w/timers and there are some great recipes out there. Plus, your 12 year old should be helping out around the house. Plenty old enough to vacuum, empty dishwasher, etc. If all else fails, hire some part-time help, like an errand service, etc. Once your little ones get a little older...they can do some chores themselves!
Hang in there!

While I am not a "working" mom, I do have 3 boys as well (ages 9,8 and 3)I also do a lot of volunteer work as well, which keeps me away from home during the day... And I run the boys to soccer practices, basketball practices and scouts each week. My husband leaves at 7:30am and returns around 10:00pm (this has been the routine for the last 11 years) I truly sympathize with your feeling of "single parenting" I have said that phrase to many of my friends!! I will admit that I used to feel resentful of his lack of help and my complete exhaustion... but I have found that a really good evening routine gets me over the 7:30 - 9:00 chaos!! I have made games with the boys for getting chores done in the evenings, and have noticed that the more consistent I am with the routine.. the less fighting and noise there seems to be. (for example: It's dinner (I do the dishes... I eat later) then straight in the bath, then a game of 5-10 minute pick up" (I set a timer)... we run around for 5 minutes, like crazy people picking up as much as we can (clothes toys, shoes etc...) then it is quite time for 10 minutes), this includes brushing teeth, picking out tommorows clothes, packing up backpacks (if you need to put aways laundry, have your older son read or play with the younger ones during this time...)Then it is "bedtime stories" and into bed. I will also say… I have learned that laughter with the boys seems to help all of us. The most important thing I do is have fun and read "bedtime stories"... no matter what the house looks like, we read!! I also make a huge effort to keep my bedroom clean so that my husband and I can have our "haven" as well. This also helps with his stress level... and he seems to not notice the rest of the messes. It is a lot of work on my part… but it sure beats “fighting” the system like I used to. It also helps the husbands know where to "plug in" no matter what time they get home... let him in on the schedule.
P.S. the 12 year old may need some "mom time" too... if he stays up later then the younger ones, be sure to sit and talk... if not be sure to go and hang out in his room for a few minutes at the end up the night... you'll be amazed at how motivated he will be to help, if he know he gets some alone time with you.
Good luck!!
A "single mom" too~

As a mom who became a true single parent of 4 sons when they were aged 3 to 13, I feel your pain! Be very grateful for the things your husband is able to do to help keep the household afloat, but don't waste energy with frustration and anger. It is what it is, right? I found a wonderful website, flylady.com which helps to establish routines. I have found that just doing some of what is suggested makes me feel so much more in control. You would be wise to make sure you get at least 1/2 to 1 hour in the evenings when the kids are already in bed and out of your hair to spend some you time. It is a lot about attitude, really. You are worth caring for, even if you do it for yourself. Love and Hugs!

Hi there M.,

I am a single mom, but unlike you, I only have 2 kids, ages 13 and 7. When it is just one of you, which basically it is, since your husband is working so much, every minute of the day is important.

You must be on a strict schedule,and do better planning. Simple things like getting the kids clothes and bags ready at night, so all they have to do in the morning is get up and get dressed and go. Try getting breakfasts that your kids can eat on the go, like Pop tarts, Fruit cups, Cereal packs, Cereal bars etc. This way, they can eat in the car on the way, if you are running late (or not). Also, putting a load of clothes in the dryer at night, or before you leave in the morning helps keep the laundry from building up. Cook meals on the weekend that will last a few days, and all you have to do is re-heat during the week, this will allow time for other things.

Also, your 12 year old is old enough to handle many responsibilities. If he is not used to doing things, start giving him small tasks first, and then increase them gradually. Even though he is a boy, he can handle things that are Domestic like cleaning, washing dishes, even cooking some things, or at least preparing food without cooking, like making sandwiches. Whatever you choose you MUST utilize the 12 year old. There is no reason why you should be as overwhelmed as you are, with a child of that age. Even your 4 year old can follow simple instructions that will help you out like picking up his toys when he is done playing.

I know it is difficult, because I have been there.

Lastly, you may not want to hear this, but just because your husband is working, doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do ANYTHING in the house to help you. You stated that you are a WORKING mother. Not a Stay at home mom (no offense to stay at home moms). Which means that your children and household responsibilities should be a COMBINED effort. You just have to lay down the law and say "Look, I work just like you do, and I need help!" If your paycheck assists the household financially, he can assist you with the domestic responsisbilities. It is unacceptable for you to feel like a single parent in a two-parent household. ESPECIALLY if you are working too!

I hope this helps. Please don't take offense to the forwardness of this message. My response is merely out of concern, and I am speaking from experience. I am a single mom, AND a working mom, AND I was married once.

Good Luck!

S. P.

Hats off to you mom!!! Your're the best!!!

This will solve alot of your issues at hand and free up so much of your time. There will be such a load lifted off your back. HIRE A HOUSEKEEPER ONCE A WEEK AND LAWN SERVICE FOR THE SUMMER.

I live in Cypress and have three young children. I use these services and LOVE IT!!! And I love the people who work for me. I can give you their name and number if you are interested. I've referred my housekeeper to several people and they love her. My neighbor uses the lawn service and I now use them. They are both eager to please.

Deborah

Hi M.!

I have been in our shoes and lived in them for about 5years. My best advice is to start your day with a few minutes of quite time and prayer. then start your day. The kids are young but still old enough to start teaching them to help, the oldest child probably won't like it but talk to him and let him know you are a team. I puchased the swifter duster and my 5yr old daughter loves to help dust, while my son vacuums. The only other advise would be to check into a cleaning lady or laundry lady. It was easier for me to keep up with the cleaning than it was to keep up with the laundry so at one point I hired a lady to do my laundry once a week....trust me it was a life saver. I hope this helps. Be blessed and stay faithful in the things you can't see....Things can only get better....God is Great!

M.,

I am sorry for your frustration. Are you working from home? Would your husband and you consider building a strong business that would allow both of you to free up your time? I might have an option that would help your current situation. Let me know.

M.

Have you ever considered hiring a personal assistant for a couple hours a week to help clean your plate? This just could be a helpful option. Let me know.

I feel your pain!! I can't offer any advice because I need some myself. I can tell you that you're not alone. I am a mom of 2 (ages 4 & 2). I was a stay at home mom until recently. Now, my story sounds just like yours....I now have two part time jobs not including my mommy-wife job. Good Luck to us both!!!

It will sound crazy but try this website for 30 days: flylady.net - she's incredible and she's free.

M.... Hi! I also have three kids and a hubby that works alot. It's tough being a mom, especially when we feel so over-whelmed that we almost think that we are in it all of it alone. But, you aren't! Lots of mom's go through the same thing everyday, just as you. What you seriously is need is some time to yourself. Even if it's 15 minutes of quite time to meditate, reflect or even do some simple yoga poses with breathing exercises. I teach yoga and you'd be AMAZED at how just breathing can relieve so much tension, stress, depression and anxiety throughout the day. Are you in San Antonio? If so, I would love to have you for a private session (or even come to you). Taking time for yourself is very important to your overall health and wellbeing. Let me know if I can help you in any way?

S.

It is a misnomer that we women can have it all - a uncluttered, focused family life, with the clean house and obedient children and have a full time career and have time to do it all, without stress. first of all is your job necessary for the family to "survive"? Anyway to use your talents on a more part-time basis to have more time in the afternoons and evenings at home with your beautiful children. Our children are only with us such a short time - they need us desperately. It sounds like time for a family meeting and have everyone just list out their challenges in this situation - and then come up with solutions together to make it all run more smoothly. Maybe your husband and children may have to accept more responsibility at home to keep things on track. The 12 year old can certainly be doing his own laundry and running a vaccumm - Your 4 year old can do chores - such as picking up toys, putting clothes where they belong - I had a friend who all her children from the age of 5 doing their own laundry -in our house each child had a laundry basket in their closet and a set day for their laundry to get done each week. Organization is key - from maybe doing a major cleaning chore daily and when cooking a meal - do a double batch and putting one in the freezer, Dad can certainly help with meals and with organized menus do some of the shopping -- this is a family and you are all in it together -- run it like a loving business, Mom and Dad are the Presidents of the family business and the kids are the well taken care of staff - Sometimes we stress out over things that are not really important to the others in our family, and ignore the things that are important for them -- streamline what is important, communicate needs - we women do a number on ourselves about guilt - there is nothing more important that our homelife and our children - no other success can can and should take precedent. Maybe you get by on a little less financially for a few years and go back full time later and make up the income - with your husband take a good look at your situation and prioritize. good luck and cut yourself some slack - we are not totally responsible for the crankiness that goes on day to day either. Make sure there is time when tucking your kids in to see how their day went - maybe things aren't so good outside the home on some days --

My advise is to get someone to come and clean your house once a week, if you can affort it. Also, have your kids and husband help you, make sure they understand that it is their house and they all need to help. You will see that once the house is organized you all will feel great and happy. Also, take sometime for yourself on the weekend with a friend or a sister or a brother. For intance, go have lunch with friends on a Saturday or even brunch. Just remember that stressing yourself out will only lead you to illnesses and it is not worth it. Just take things one step at a time and you will see things will get better. Good luck!!!!

I also have 3 children ages 12, 8 & 7.One girl and 2 boys. I know how you feel. I would say ask for help. Give the kids chores to do. I know the 2 year old can't do anything but the other two boys can help. When mine were 4-5 they became responsible for cleaning their own room. Don't expect perfection, just get them to pick up after themselves. You may be surprised by the baby, you could make it a game to help out his big brother. My 12 yo does laundry, cleans the kitchen and helps to clean their bathroom. For this she gets an allowance, if the chores are done without me telling her to do them, if I have to keep telling her to get them done then I get the allowance. She still has to do the chores. If you can, splurge, get a maid service to come in and do one big clean and then maybe with everyone's help ya'll could keep it that way.

This is for all of you ladies!!! Like Maria said : www.flylady.net The idea behind this website is that you do just a little everyday. Your house did not get messed up in one day..it won't get clean in one day either. Once you start getting things under control, not only will your house feel better, but your family will too!

I do understand what you mean though. I have 3 kiddos, I'm a full-time student, and I work part-time. Have your 12 year old help out with the bigger chores. The 4 year old and 2 year old can help too. If you make it fun, they will be happy to help clean up their rooms.

Make a double portion of a meal and save half for another night. Less to cook after a busy day at work. Get a roast and use the crockpot. Look for skillet meals that cut down on dirty dishes and are quick and easy to fix.

Other than that, take a deep breath and hug yourself. You're going to be ok!!

Bright blessings and much laughter to you,
K. L.

Do you NEED to work full time, I mean really. Forget the vacations, extra car, dinners out etc. I am a stay at home Mom. We have made financial sacrifices, but it is soooo worth it for the sanity and order. So we can't afford extra's, what we do have is time, patience and lots of fun, oh yeah, and a clean house and home cooked food and cookies.
I watch Boston Legal every time, lots of good messages in it. Last night was about a teenage girl who died because she fell asleep behind the wheel. The message was that we are a society obsessed with getting ahead and getting stuff, rather than findig Peace and Happiness in the little things.
Hope this might help you
Good luck and God Bless you and your family

Hi M.,

I can imagine how tough it is to single parent three kids. One suggestion I would have is to get your 12 year old and 4 year old to help out and take on some responsibility. Things dont have to be perfectly tidy in your house- so long as you are functioning. While you get dinner made, have your 4 yr old set the table. Meanwhile your 12 year old could be helping out with tidying up, or maybe folding laundry. You can make a responsibility chart. The 12 year old can do a lot more to help you out, and the 4 year old is not too young to also help out.. picking up toys, setting the table, etc. Prioritize- not everything has to get done.

Something else you may want to do- is when the kids go to bed- give yourself 20 minutes of mommy relax time. Sit somewhere you enjoy. Light a candle. Read, or just take deep breaths, take a bath- whatever sooths you without making you "think/worry" or "do". Reflect on all that you DID accomplish during the day- rather than what else is weighing you down. Give yourself a bit of a break.

As for your husband- you need to sit him down and talk to him and let him know that he needs to help out around the house. Coming home cranky or complaining is not helpful. If he can't leave the negativity- then just learn to tune him out. Try to let him see things from your eyes.

Maybe you could also hire a cleaning service to help with things around the house- weekly, biweekly, or even once a month.. just to give you hand.

Life is too short. You are doing a great job- so be proud of yourself and good luck!
Adla

Hi Mandy.
I am a SAHM of three but because of the extracurricular schedules of my older two, we are constantly on the go and because I stay home with our three yr old, my home was turning into a wreck because household cleaning, etc was not getting done, since I am his playmate, teacher, etc. I have a friend who is a working mom and her house is immaculate. I asked her for her secret and she gladly gave me her secret and it has helped me tremendously and without any stress. It has also been easy to incorporate the help of the entire family, which has turned the entire household and all attitudes to the positive. Her secret and now mine is www.flylady.com and no extra money was spent in getting our household in order! You're going to find that even the silliest of things like "shining your sink" will become a funny and fun family contribution! I used to say things like, "ugh, I have to do laundry". Now, it's "whose turn is it to help me with laundry?" and I no longer get the "awww, Mom". I get "my turn!". I never thought it would EVER be this way, but it REALLY works!!! :o)

Good Luck and just have fun!
D.

Hey M., i know this is so stressful and is overwhelming. All the other women have given great advice. To go along with them, definately time for yourself is important and giving the kids some respondsibilty by contributing to the house will actually make them feel more helpful and happy. I totally agree about the chores for the 12 and 4 year old. Turn on that music for 30 minutes...something relaxing of course, and say hey, while the music is playing..find your items in the house and store them, not throw them, in your room. That way, the RELAXING music will not only help you but the kids as well. If you need help choosing some good stuff, let me know! That gives them a steady schedule while you get the dinner on the table as well.

For dinner, it does not need to be all fansy smansy...a good friend told me (since i was in the same dilemma as you) cassaroles can be your best friend. Also,Get like three frozen meals (like lasagnas, meatballs, etc.) so you can throw those in the oven when you dont feel like standing over the stove and cooking.

You will see the diference by just these few modifications.

GOOD LUCK AND GOOD REST!!!!

Hi M.! Definitely, have someone come in once a week to clean. Maybe a high school girl one or two evenings a week to be a mother's helper (laundry, cleaning, etc.) would work. Is your husband at home anytime from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m.? If so, why can't he do something around the house? Talk to him about it and let him know how you're feeling. I'm sure that in spite of his workaholism he does want to connect with you every now and then - let him know you think it's sexy for him to help out!

First, get help if you can --neighborhood babysitters to help you in the evenings or Mother's Helpers for young girls too young to babysit (10-11). Do you have a housekeeper? If not, get one pronto that is recommended by one of your friends/neighbors. Every week if you can afford it, or every two weeks if money is an issue. Is there any way to take some time off or not work? There are many families who function just fine as a one-income family. You cannot do it all. Also, your children are old enough to pitch in. Give them responsibilities and tell them that is part of being a family and make it fun. You can play loud music, and have everyone clean for 20-30 minutes day, draw a chore card from a stack (you decide the chores), develop a chore chart. Good Luck!

Check out www.flylady.net. Her system can be overwhelming at first if you let it, but take her babysteps and she can help get the most chaotic household more organized and more peaceful.

Engage the help of your children. Kids love to contribute, you need to let them. Call me for specifics - ###-###-#### D. Elder, Parent coach and child motivator - 'Set them Up for Success'

Oh do I remember that! My husband was on the road for 11 1/2 years while I was working full time and raising four kids as well as managing our home, sports, five acres of chores with horses, goats, 4H, FFA, girl scouts, boy scouts etc.
Where does 12 yr old go after school? Home? This one old enough to get home work done and vacuum common area before you make it there. I also required spelling words to be written 10 times each every school night. Thursday night is get the house clean and study for Friday tests. Everyone pitched in and we actually had time to be a family too. Just don't make 12 yr old the "constant babysitter"... Make a "kaper chart" (required chores) and keep it posted so all (including Dad) can check their progress. Use pictograph for all.

Oh honey, I can't imagine trying to work and run a household and raise three children. My DH works a lot and sometimes I feel so alone and feel like I am a single parent, too. Just to let you know I am a SAHM and it still doesn't all get done. So, don't feel bad, you aren't even home those extra 8-10 hours a day that I am. (Not that we stay home the whole time, there are play dates, and lunches, and errands, etc). Some tips that help me are starting a load of laundry in the morning before our activities, then move it to the dryer when we get home. Then I fold and put away after the kids are in bed. It is only one load a day, but it all gets done over the week as we make more. I plan meals a week in advance, I have computer software that helps me and I grocery shop for the whole week on Sunday afternoons. Then I know "what's for dinner" every night. Now my DH is our "bread winner" but that doesn't exclude him from chores around the house. Every night he has the choice of washing the dishes or bathing the kids and getting their pj's on. Even if he comes home at 9pm, he will jump in the kitchen after he eats a bite and do the dishes. (I try to cook a neatly as possible). Then we can both have some quiet time in the evenings to ourselves. We work together on the weekends to get the house ready for the week...he vacuums and I do the other cleaning chores. I have a 3yr old and a 10 month old. Your 12 year old needs to help out...he can do laundry, run a vacuum, dust, make a simple dinner, and a host of other things...He is going to need these skills when he leaves home in a few years. (And his future wife will thank you). I am sending you a great big hug, we just can't do it all alone. {{{{{hug}}}}}

Hi Mandy,

This is a tough situation.

I have a lot of advice, but cannot give it in this venue in order to honor limitations set on promoting one's business through this blog.

Feel free to contact me via private email and I would be happy to talk with you with some great options to try - no obligations required.

Take care,
Janet Bonnin
Parent Coach

Have you thought about working from home or a home business?

S.

Hi M.,

Hang in there dear. I too am a mommy of three boys(4,2,15mo). My hubby is in gradschool so he is trying to make the grade and work to support us. He leaves early and comes home late. At times it feels alot like being a single mom.
Check out the following website it helped me to cope with stress and find a little peace and satisfaction in my day.

www.flylady.net

it is really great!

I know how you feel. Everything is rush, rush, rush, make that money...spend that money. And then we start all over again. Actually, I admire your schedule. My husband and i run a 24 hour, 6 day a week daycare. We revolve around everyone else's schedule, so we're up at 4 am and don't get in until 8 pm after we make sure everyone is covering their shift and no parent leaves their child behind for whichever of the thousands of reasons we've collected. I miss the 6a-6p regular rush the rest of the world enjoys, but no one has ever paid me my worth like working for myself...something we planned for and worked toward before leaving our jobs.

Mandy
My husband travels extensively leaving me on my own with my 5 and 2 year old. It's tough. I work from home so it's a bit easier.

One thing I have done is to lower my expectations a bit. I keep my house tidy but it is in no way a showplace and when people stop by I tell them so. Are there repairs and remodels that I'd like to do, you bet, but right now I don't have the time and we don't have the finances to do it. Do what you can and just leave the rest. For me, I keep the kitchen and baths clean, the laundry done and the rest I catch as I can.

You can't do everything and you can't be expected to. Your kids and husband can also help out. Each night before we get ready for bed, my children clean up and put away their toys. They also must put their dirty clothes in their hampers and hang their coats/sweaters on the hooks/knobs provided. They know to bring their lunch boxes in from school and leave them by the cabinet just under the sink. They clear their dishes from the table and set them in the sink or on the counter. My 5 year old helps the 2 year old when he can't reach.

Believe it or not, my husband was harder to train in this area than the kids. He used to hit the back door and a trail of briefcase, shoes, jacket followed him. I had to explain to him that wife does not equal maid. He was worse about leaving his socks on the floor than the kids! I made a rule, I only wash clothes that are in the hamper. When he ran out of socks he got the message and also had to do his own laundry!! Also, your husband may want to take the stance that he is tired when he gets home, but if you are working 12 hours as you stated, you're tired as well. Everyone has to pitch in. You all live in that house so you all have to care for it.

It's going to take some time, but if you can't afford a maid then the family has to pitch in and truly there is nothing wrong with this. Hang in there and let us know how things work out.

Every mom has days like your typical one... but to have them everyday is too much and needs a strategy.
For one: your 12-year-old should be able and willing to help a lot with some chores and childcare. I'm not talking about making him/her a parent, but watch the kids while you take a shower, or cook a meal.
I have two little kids, and frankly, I wish I had a 12-year-old around to help!
Also, my best strategy of freeing up a day is to somehow work it so that I don't have to cook dinner. It's a huge load off during a stressful time of day. You can either by frozen meals, have the hubby bring take-out (once in a while, so as not to be eating too much junk), or on weekends when you have him home to watch kids-- make and freeze your own cooking.
Good luck.