3 1/2 Year Old Refuses to Potty Train!

I feel for you!

My son started expressing interest in the potty at 18 months of age, we felt so lucky! Turns out it was all theoretical. Come 3-1/2 he rarely went and was crying and pitching fits when we tried to get him to use the potty. We backed off, but tried to give him as much time as we could with no diaper (plenty of 'accidents' happened, oh well) a few months before he turned four we started talking about how he would be a big boy when he turned four, and then he'd only use pull-ups for nap time and bed time. For him, I think having the emotional preparation happen over time, and having some control and 'buy in' from him made a big difference. On his fourth birthday he pretty much gave up pull-ups for all but sleep times and there have been very few accidents... One thing I have learned, when my son says he doesn't have to go, he doesn't have to go and it's best not to force him. I know that's not true for some kids, but at least for mine it is.

EXCEPT (and this is a biggie!) he won't go poop in the potty. (He's now 4 years 5 months) So, we are still working on that and honestly I don't know what to tell you. He saves it until evening, then goes poop in his pull-up. We have him sit on the potty for at least a few minutes every night and try to go poo. There have been a few successes, and we make a big deal out of them. As of a week ago he's no longer allowed to look at his poop in the pull up (he's fascinated by it) but we've told him he can look all he wants when it's in the potty. I've offered rewards - stickers, getting to use the real phone and call one of his favorite people... I suspect that we may just have another big boy step like "When you are 5, you won't need pull ups any more" and we'll just take them away altogether. My husband thinks we should consider doing it now... I'm scared to traumatize him, and he sure does seem awfully anxious about the whole thing. I really don't understand it, but I'm trying.

But I take comfort in the knowledge that eventually, no matter what he will be potty trained. (Or at some point he'll just be old enough to clean his own diapers!)

I would also recommend the chapter on potty training in the Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers.

Hi,

Be patient with him and keep at it. Make him realize that he needs to and you're the boss.

Sorry you're going through this :( Sounds like you ahve the luxury so many moms dont have of being home to work on it gradually. My little guy is 3 1/2 and not yet trained. He sits on the potty (alone and sometimes crying) for two hours at a time, but wont go either . I guess it will happen eventually.

My 4yr old boy FINALLY did it. I know it's tough. At 4 1/2, he only wears underwear - no pullups either. I tried every thing - toys, anger, candy, guilt, patience, etc. You know what worked? Time. That's it. When he was ready, he did it. Try as hard as you can to back off. It was one day that he decided, and the more pressure I put on him, the more resistent he became. & a few trips to target in the first week that he would use the potty was a good motivator. Good luck, I feel your pain. I too was at the end of my rope and tried what I thought was a crazy idea of giving him a pullup to put on his lap while he sat on the potty.

Kids don't potty train for a reason. Leave him alone. Only use rewards if he is willing to sit on the potty. Don't make a big deal. He will do it when he's ready. My sons were 4 and 5 and they trained in one day - when they were ready. If you push too hard, your son will potentially be traumatized.

Hi L.-
I'm right there with you!! My youngest son is almost 3 1/2 and until recently, absoluetly refused to sit on the potty. I think he was afraid he'd fall in. Now he sits on the potty every night before bath/bed time. To get him to sit there long enough, we read him a potty themed book. He's only acutally peed once, but he's getting used to the idea. He also gets involved with flushing his poops from his diaper. I just keep in mind that he has ultimate control over his body and it'll happen when he is ready. Good luck!

my kids always learned better by watching their older brother. I have an older son that is 7 years older than one and 9 years older than the other one, and he helped a lot with showing them how to potty, and such. Do you think your older son would be willing to help out teaching him to sit down? Maybe try a timer and when it goes off he can get up? Starting it out for a real short time and gradually going up to a couple minutes?

also for my two younger ones, a good motivator was taking them and letting them pick out their new underwear once they started using the potty consistantly. :)

Since you have an older son my guess is you have tried all the obvious-rewards, potty dance, be a big boy like your brother, etc.
My kids all pretty much potty trained themselves when they were ready (daughter at 3 sons at about 3 1/2)-I was not willing to fight with them about it. I have friends sho swear by the cold-turkey method-plan to stay home for a few days, bye-bye diapers (except at night-still fuguring that out). There are several good potty books, and the potty doll (i.e. have your son teach the doll to go potty).
But the only advice I can give from experience is back off-he will figure it out eventually (and probably more quickly when it is no longer a fight). Good luck.

Hi L.! I have not tried this myself, but it seemed to have worked with my 3.5 yo step son when he was training. His father and grandmother would sit him on the toilet and have him stay there until he went. They also sat with him and read him books and such... Grandma will still sit with him (at his request) and read when he needs to take his time. Be strong and firm! He cannot get up until he has done the business!

My son did the same thing. He cooperated for a day or 2, then once the novelty wore off he refused to use the toilet. AFter talking to him & asking him questions while we were playin lego's he told me he was afraid pooping in the potty would make him fall in with his poops. I then explained that it was safe and then showed him a drawing of the plumbing in a house & that he wouldn't fit.
I continued to try to get him to go in the toilet - without much luck but could tell he wasn't scared anymore.
THEN - by some miracle he woke up one morning & said his tummy hurt - I told him that his tummy was telling him it had poops to push out. We got on the potty and SUCCESS!!!
I lit the scented candle and let him blow it out when he was done. Apparently, that was his "bribe" candy & toys had not worked but he LOVES blowing out the candle.
So - ask your son what he wants for a treat. Throw him a parade - call grandma so he can tell her what he did, call Daddy have Daddy make a big deal over it & big Brother Whoopee!!!
The other thing I did - 'cuz my son is SUPER STUBBORN is that after changing a poopy diaper 10 minutes after we had used the potty was I talked to him like an adult. I told him I was very mad at him for pooping in his diaper, I waqs tired of changing poopy diapers, he is a big boy now and too old for baby diapers. I know he is smart and understands how to use the potty and that he is just being lazy and that makes me mad. I didn't put him on the potty for 2 days after and then first thing in the morning I took him to the bathroom and told him this is what we're going to do from now on. he has not pooped in his pull-up since (2 weeks) and we've had a few pee accidents - usually when I'm busy and loose track of the time. He usually tells me when he's already wet a little. So it's a work in progress but there is progress now.
I was afraid he'd be in Pull-Ups at Prom.
Good luck!
A.
Ian's mom

Hi L.,
I wanted to email you mainly because I have the an 8 year gap between my two boys. It is rare to find other parents with two boys with this spread in years.

My boys are 14 and 6! Regarding the potty training? Not sure; I can put a request for help out on my other moms club.
R.

Like you, my 3 year old did not want to potty train. So I just took off his pants and diapers and let him run around the house half-naked. After a few accidents, he realized that he had better sit on the potty instead. Am not sure why he felt that way, but I guess he saw his pee on the floor and thought it was probably not supposed to be there! I also think he could sense the need to pee much more easily when naked. So he ran around this way for about a month and then I put training underwear on him (the material is a bit thicker). He still had accidents, but he would tell me when he needed the potty most of the time. It has been six months since we started. He is 3 years and 3 months old now. He still will not poop in the potty. He waits until he has a diaper on either at nap-time or at night. To this day, he rarely sits on the potty at my request. He fights me on that still. He will only go when he thinks he is just about to pee ( a few times it was a bit late!) but that is his nature and I don't try to fight it, lest we get into a power struggle or regress again! I am having a little luck convincing him to sit on the potty before outings, so that is a step. In any case, you may want to try this and see if it works. Best of luck to you! I know this is a hard milestone to cross, as I am still working on it myself.

Potty training nowadays gets postponed due to all the conveniences! You now have a big boy - and one of those things that he has to do as a big boy is to go to the potty.

I suggest that you bribe him with stars that he can add up (5 stars = something fun). Don't baby him when he doesn't go though - just really praise him when he does. And when he is more successful - take away the pull ups and give him big boy pants.

He might be constipated - and your doctor can help with this - in very gentle way. (My dad used to put prune juice in Dr. Pepper - I'm sure something healthier would be better - but you get the point.)

Be patient - they all learn how to do this.

hi L., i'm a mom who has a very stuburn three year old. She just within the past month decided to potty traine herself. While having the flue actually. Since you stay at home just put the big boy underwear on and let it take course you may have a accident or do but the trick is to stay home foro about three days in a row, going nowhere. Then at night a pull up it realy works. Then after a month big reward. We just hit a month and joined a dance class to show her how proud i was. I hope this helps you. M..

Hi!
You might have done this already, too, but my son will be 3 in May, and a couple weeks ago, we just put underpants (real ones) on him, and he only had 4 accidents in the first 2 days. Now he goes pee pee in the potty EVERY time but still won't poop. He wants a diaper to poop still. But that's okay for now; it's better than him holding it in.
I hope that helps.

The more you push the more he will resist. He's just not ready. There is such a push to have children potty trained by a certain age. Some children for what ever reason are just not ready for that. Stop trying for a while. Let him know that you love him even if he is not potty trained yet. Let it be his decision when to start trying again. It will only cause a lot of stress and grief for the both of you to try to force it on him.

Hi L.,

My eldest son was extremly hesitant on going to the potty. I tried everything until I realized that it's just not his time. It was when he was 4 1/2 years right before school when he just walked to the bathroom and went all by himself. At that point he saw us enough that he knew exactly what to do. He's now 11 years old and is in all honors. It surly didn't stop him from excelling as a student or a person. He just he took his time. Our middle son was the opposite. He learned at 2 1/2. He saw his big brother doing it and wanted to be just like him. My last child took to going on the potty at 2 years (She's a girl). So, don't put loads of pressure on yourself. Your a good mommy it's just each child learns differently. As I said, my eldest son is in all honors and is extremly smart. If he's not ready than it's okay. Keep trying though if he's that kind of kid that you know is on the brink of doing it. But don't torcher yourself if he's purly not ready yet. He'll come around. It's inevidible.

One thing I remember someone telling me is: "well, he won't be wearing diapers in college." That helped me relax a lot. Boys are usually slower. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, and I'm wondering if you might be hearing any comments from other people? If so, ignore them. The first "fight" I ever had with my first child was when I listened to other people telling me he should be potty trained by now (and they later changed that opinion when they had their own kid.) That son is now grown and the only thing I regret about the way I raised him is I now know I should have lightened up about some things, and just spent more happy, play time with him.
p.s. - the person below is completely right when she says when it was time for her son to be ready, he just was! Spend a few more months' worth of money on diapers and avoid all the aggravation and just let him do it when he's ready. You'll be much happier!

First off, take a deep breath and relax. Your son might sense your frustration and that can lead to preformance anxiety. Boys potty train later than girls so throw your concerns that he is behind schedule out the window. We let our son pick out his own "big boys" and reminded him frequently to try... it's ok if nothing happens. And, motivated him to keep the cartoon characters clean with M&Ms and stickers. We also had fun putting cheerios in the toilet and letting him have target practice. In all, I think what finally clicked for our boy when he was in preschool peeing alongside his peers and he understood we were proud of his accomplishments. Now! Please let me know if you receive any tips for night time potty training... that's where we are struggling despite no drinks an hour before bedtime. I have a new born, so I often fail to wake my son to pee simply because I am plastered to my pillow praying for two hours of sleep without interruptions. Phew!

Forget it for awhile. Take the pressure off you both! Clearly, it's become a power struggle and an impossible task for your son. We can't "train" kids to use the potty. We can set an example. When your son sees everyone else in the family is in the "uses the potty club" and he's the odd man out, he'll want to be like the rest of you. But, it can't be coerced. Again, just leave him alone for him to figure out. He will, and it won't be a struggle!

I don't know if you have him in pull-ups now, but if so, maybe you should just go cold turkey to underwear. Or, a fantastic tip that I read right here on Mamasource (that worked for us just last week during our potty training adventure!) was to forget the underwear and just let him "run free" with no underwear on. Then he can really feel when the pee-pee is coming and he can get himself to the potty. I think preschoolers are very hands-on learners, so if they don't SEE themselves making pee-pee, they do not really make the connection on what it feels like. So underwear/pull ups seem to hinder their learning. I know it sounds weird to let him run around half-naked, but the great learning experience of pee-pee running down the leg worked for us when all the begging, pleading, bribing, etc didn't. Also, for us what really helped as well was to get rid of all the diapers (during the day). My daughter begged and pleaded for me to put a diaper on her, but I refused and she learned I was serious about her using the potty!

I hope this helps. I was right where you are LAST WEEK so I can really sympathize with you!

L.,
I have just been through the same thing!!! My 3.5 year old son would not go in the toilet. He would sit there for what seemed like forever, not go & then get up & pee in his pants!! I too was at the end of my rope. Then one day it just clicked. He hasn't had an accident in over a month. All I can tell you is be patient. He WILL get it. It just takes longer for some & not every kid is the same. My nephew is a month younger than my son & he has been potty trained since he was two. If you are using pull-ups, get rid of them except for nighttime. Get the regular plain white cotton training pants. Tell him when he can keep those dry, you'll buy him some big boy underwear. Then when he keeps them dry, go get him some Thomas the Train, Lightning McQueen, Spiderman or whatever he is into underwear. It worked great for us. Hope this helps!!

I have a boy and girl. One thing I know is that boys take longer than girls to potty train. The other thing is that you don't want to make it a power struggle. Boys learn best with modeling. Is your husband around on a regular basis to show him how "big boys go"? And it seems like he would learn from his older borther too. At this point, it sounds like just need to back off from forcing the issue and to let him start to notice for himself that if he wants to be a big boy, he will use the potty instead of a diaper. If it were summertime, Id say let him "go commando" with no clothes on - to get used to what it feels like to pee and poop. But for now, just let him observe what the other males in his life are doing - he'll get it, without your prompting.

It may be time to back off. My first son was trained just after his 2nd birthday my youngest was almost 4. Sometimes it becomes a power struggle. He may feel like he can't please you so he gets upset. So stopping even if just for a couple of weeks may help. We read lots of books and had an open door policy. With #1 he ran around the house naked and took himself to the potty when had to go. On the up side #2 has only had a couple of accidents being trained later, while #1 had probably one a week for a while.

I have two boys and first off, boys do take longer just because they are boys. Here is what I did. We were lucky enough to have good weather. Had a porta potty outside on the patio and let the run around in their birthday suit playing in the water. Both boys and water go together. I also had a potty in the bathroom next to the big potty. Asking often to go and sit and read to me as I sat. We also had a potty chart on the bathroom door. Whenever they went, they could pick out of a basket filled with stickers, m&m's. My sone usually picked a sticker and ate an m&m. ONLY one allowed or two if we pooped. This way they could see progress and be proud of their work. I actually traced the lid of the potty and made the lid out of construction paper in colors the boys picked. Taped the top and then you would have to lift the lid to place the stickers. Once trained, chart came down. It is all about giving them choices and keeping them involved in the process. Crying and "no's" do not get rewarded. Stick to you guns. Of course, go shopping for the big boy underwear to dangle in front of them from time to time. Boxers or briefs. They choose. Washed in in their dresser drawer ready when they are. The worse thing to do is get mad at them or force them. The older one trained at 3 yrs. 4 months. The younger one trained two weeks before third birthday. On his own watching older brother. Happy training.

My son was that age as well and he just wouldn't do it. A friend of mine told me to try and put a couple cheerios in the toilet and make it a game to see how many he could hit while peeing. Believe it or not it actually worked. Plus we lived on 10 acres so in the summer I would let him run around outside naked and he would pee on a tree. That worked too then we moved into an apartment complex and it didn't work so well. He's out of that now but you should try the cheerios thing just to see if he likes it.

Hi L....My son is almost 4, and we had some struggles with him too. We tried bribery, threats, letting him be naked, but he was only successful about half of the time. I know it's hard to be patient, but when he was finally ready, he just was! All of a sudden I realized that I wasn't having to remind him anymore. Even though he's been pooping in the potty on his own for a few months now, we still praise him every time, and he loves it. I think that when we finally stopped putting so much pressure on him is when he got the hang of it. Sometimes the power struggle is just not worth the stress! Before you know it, you'll be able to take the pull-ups away. Good luck!

I dont know if you tried this but I have a 3 year old and was going through the same thing until one day I took him to the store and let him pick his own underwear of course he selected his favorite charaters and mom selected the old tradional whites. Came home put them on and he didnt like it when he got them dirty and told him that he had to put the ugly ones of course he tried his best not to wet them and believe it or not he 2 days he had it down. I know that he didnt like to feel wet and didnt like the tradtional underwear you can try it, worked for us and hopefully it will work for you messy but worth it.

I've got 5 yr old twin boys and they weren't ready until they were 4.5. We tried rewards, etc, and nothing worked until their little bodies were ready. We did pee and poop training at the same time at that time and we used a reward system for going potty in the potty all day long for 3 days (reward), then 5 days (reward), and then 7 days (reward). We felt the rewards kept them focused and motivated and then they were getting in the habit of gonig on the potty. We have had very few accidents from either one.

They'er not nighttime trained yet. They sleep SO heavily that they never wake up when they have to go. But I'm not worried about that. They'll get there.

hello i have 3 year old i will be potty training her soon kids learn at their own time my son was potty train train at his own time he will get the hang of it it will work out .........L.

Hi there,
Try making a game of it by putting a couple cheerios in the toilet and telling him to aim for them. Or if using a potty chair, try one that is fun. I got my daughter one that has Elmo on the front and when you push his hand he talks, she loves it and it keeps her amused and on the potty. They also have potty chairs that play music when it is used. And if that doesn't work and can try good old bribes. Tell he that if he goes the whole day using the potty that he can get a new toy or some ice cream etc. You can also try telling that if he uses the potty he can have "big boy" underwear.

Hi L.!
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. It probably feels like you've done something "wrong" compared to your older child. I have 2 boys spaced about the same as your children. My first one potty trained late, but perfect. My, now 5 yr old,well....it wasn't so easy! He did the same thing it sounds like yours is doing.
It was actually a good thing I worked from home, as well, because that was the "key" to our success. While everybody was gone during the day, I was able to try all sorts of "mommy tricks" to eventually lead him to the potty. We would read books, then "act them out". We watched a few short movies on potty training, then talked about it. I even made a BIG deal about me going potty each and everytime. I would always say "I have to hurry and go because I don't want to clean myself", or something stupid like that. It was all ALOT of time, but soon he went by himself.
I found that by IT being the topic of conversation ALL DAY LONG, it was too much pressure for him. Eventually, I was brave enough to NOT say anything when I noticed the "signs" of him having to go potty. It was 50/50 then. Sometimes he would go peepee by himself, other times he would go in his pants. That's when I changed the bathroom cupboard for him only. I put underpants, wipeys, and small handtowels in "his cupboard". The next time he had an accident, I showed him how to clean it. Then lovingly told him if he had an accident, he could clean himself and nobody would "know", even though I was like a hawk in the other room :0)
After a couple of times "cleaning " himself, and being frustrated with not being able to clean well, he eventually tried to go poop by himself. I think it's because I NEVER said anything about it. I never offered to help either, though. It was hard to be strong in those moments when I knew there was probably water over the whole bathroom!
The main thing I did was to NOT "talk" about it unless he started to first.
Sounds easy, huh? Well, don't get me wrong, there were tears,and frustrations on both parts because of his "old" age, I wanted him trained. But in the end, he IS in Kindergarten and NOW he is a "potty perfect" kid. And thankfully he won't be going to the Prom in his diaper!
Good Luck!
N.

I totally understand what you are going through. My middle child didn't potty train until 3 1/2. We tried everything. Here are a couple ideas:

if he is scared of using the potty and only feels secure to go # 2 in his diaper then you could try making him sit on the potty while pooping in his diaper. I've heard of people doing that and eventually cutting a hole in the diaper, then taking the diaper completely away. I never actually tried this idea.

If he isn't scared then my suggestion would be to throw ALL diapers away. Get them out of his reach. Be prepared to stay home for atleast 2 days, possible all week. Every time he has an accident, bring him to the potty and make him go through the process of pulling down pants, sitting/standing at potty, flushing, washing hands. Try to go through that process 3 times in a row. He doesn't actually have to use the potty. He will probably resist the process, but make it a happy learning experience. Then go back to where he had an accident and say something to the effect of, this is the wrong way, (bathroom is the right way). Then later on, when you know that he is dry, check his underwear and make a big deal about him being clean!! Give him one thing that makes him happy (m&m, toy, short movie, whatever). As frustrating as I know it is, try to keep this week as happy and exciting for him as you can. Just BE PERSISTENT!! He can do it!! Good Luck!!

Oh, an idea I got from a friend that is really helpful during the night is to put on a plastic cover on his bed, then the fitted sheet, then another plastic cover and fitted sheet. This way, if he has an accident, you can pull the top layers off and his bed is ready. I like to get back to sleep as soon as possible!!