2Nd Baby Scares! Will She Know I Still Love Her?

D.--
my kids are exactly 2 years apart (5 days difference in their birthdates). when i was pregnant with the 2nd one, who was planned & very very wanted, i had many occasions when i felt i was not at all connected to her. i spent so much time with our son that i had a hard time remembering that i was pregnant too, and it used to scare me that i was not loving my unborn baby the way i loved my son. all of that changed the moment she was born...and i really mean the MOMENT. as soon as i saw her i was completely in love with her.

our son was well-prepared for a new baby coming. we spent lots of time talking with him about the baby in my tummy, explaining how he would be the big brother & how important he would be to the baby, how he could be such a great help to us. he was very excited by the time she arrived. when i nursed her i would invite him to sit with us and talk to "his" baby. we would read his favorite books while she breastfed, so he wasn't missing out on mommy time. my husband picked up a lot of the slack, too, when i was really occupied with her--he would take our son out for a walk, or to play in the yard, or just sit & watch tv with him. he loved bringing clean diapers or a toy for her, and loved to tell me he was her teacher (he still says this).

i think your fear is totally normal, but i also believe that your heart will just expand to include both of your children. what i learned is that love just makes more of itself--your supply isn't limited, it builds on itself.

our kids are now 2 & 4 and absolutely adore each other. make sure that you spend time with ally when the baby isn't demanding your attention. explain that going to the park, or playing catch, or whatever, is special because the baby can't do these things, only a big girl can. you will have jealousy issues sometimes, but this is normal. if you remind her that she is important to you the jealous times should be minimal. good luck with your pregnancy!

1 mom found this helpful

I too am going through the same thing. I have a 16 month old son and our new baby is due in July. So, they will be a little less than 2 years apart. I too have the same fears as you and wonder if I can love both the same. But I feel that you can love both unconditionally after all they are an extension of you. I would think that (not sure if it's your parent's or your husbands) grandparents would enjoy having two. Especially if you are having a boy this time. We are still trying to get Orion used to the idea of having a baby brother or sister. He rubs my tummy, and gives kisses. I think just b/c my hubby does it and he thinks it cool. I hope it all works out for you and Congrats.
M.

What you are feeling is totally normal. I am going to have my baby in May, so for my 3 yr old I got her doll things I will be using on the new baby so she can take care of her baby dolls while I am taking care of her sister. Like feeding, changing, and putting to bed. Now I think she will feel more like she is part of taking care of the baby. It is worth a try. Good luck and Congratulations!!

From a mom with 4--your fears are totally normal but don't worry--love you will discover is limitless; you didn't love your husband any less when your daughter was born--I'm betting you loved him more. The same will happen and you will watch first hand as your daughter gives love to a new person.
Now it won't be the same--you won't be able to sit for hours playing with your daughter since you will have the newborn but SHE will have a new sibling to interact with and learn about. So some of the one on one time will be replaced with her spending time with her sibling--she will love it. Playing with both will bring a whole new positive dimension to your relationships!
Congrats!

L.

I'm soo glad you posted this- I am going through the same thing- my daughter is 21 months old and we are expecting number 2 in September. This baby was planned but it's still hard to think about sharing my love and attention and being fair to both my babies. I am already starting to try to prepare my daughter- letting her know that I cannot pick her up and carry her around anytime she demands it and helping her learn to play on her own more and more. It's hard but I feel like it's better to ease the transition little by little so it's not an immidiate change that she can relate to the baby's arrival and in turn resent the new baby for. As an only child I also feel good about giving her a sibling to share that special bond with. Congrats!

Wow... reading your post was like reading my fears when I was pregnant with my second child!!! I ADORED my oldest (I currently have two daughters, ages 2 & 4) - sometimes I would get choked up and cry, just looking at her because I felt so much love - it was overpowering for me! Then I found out I was pregnant with our second baby and I was afraid... I knew a new baby would be a lot of work and I was sort of upset that it would be taking that one on one time away from me and Gwen (my oldest). I cried numerous times over the situation - I worried constantly about it. I almost resented the other baby in my tummy - I felt myself struggling just to make an effort to pat my belly or talk to her when she was in utero. I had been so in love with Gwen when I was pregnant with her, that this was a big difference (as far as my attitude).

Then the baby was born... although I loved her, I still felt stand offish towards her for about 6 weeks... but my oldest daughter adored her new baby sister. They were so close - so close, it made me cry... to see that much love between the two of them. Even as a tiny newborn, Rose (my youngest) would light up when she saw her big sister's face. I relaxed, because Gwen was happier than ever now that she had a baby sister to love. And I realized I loved them both tremendously and with all my heart - and it was as if, the room in my heart had doubled... having the new baby hadn't taken away from the love I had for my oldest, instead, my ability to love had become deeper and wider and bigger than ever. I think a great way to think of this is... when you have a new baby, your heart builds on an addition. :)

Good luck and hopefully you won't go through the myriad of emotions I did... hopefully this answer helped soothe your worries.

Wow! D., thank you for putting in words fears that I have always felt. It was so good to read your post and know that what I had also felt was normal. I unfortunately had a miscarriage shortly after finding out I was pregnant with the second, but in the short time that I knew I was pregnant, I had all the same thoughts you did. I'm so glad to see all the responses and to have my fears assuaded that this too, is normal.

Good luck! I have a feeling you're going to be a great mom to two!

I only have one child, but I'm number six and my Mom said you love all of your kids just as much as the first one. I'm not sure I'll ever know if that is possible. I can't get enough of him and he's now 3.

My two are 16 months apart and we sort of planned the second one. We knew we wanted two and just left it in God's hands. When my daughter was 10 months old I found out I was pregnant. Ton's of mixed emotions because she was so young, but they do go away and you will love this next child just as much as your little girl. It is so hard to explain in words, but you have enough love for both and so do your parents. Your two babies will be best of friends. Mine are now 2 and 1 and are at the stage where they play all day together and have so much fun. There is nothing more precious than watching your two babies laugh and play together. Trust me you will be fine :)!

I have 3 kids 8,4 and a 16 month old. When my 4 year old was born my oldest daughter was not happy but she was 4 at the time and was the only one so she had all the attention. It took awhile for her to see that she was still loved and that the new baby only added to our family and didn't replace her. I was so glad that when my 16 month old was born he was a boy and to me it made it easier for my girls because there was no problems, they were happy and couldn't wait. I know how you feel because I went through it all 3 times and you know I still go through it. I try to give equall attention but their needs are so different because of their ages and sometimes my girls think I don't play with them enough or that I play with my 16 month old more. So, I still stuggle with the feeling of fear that I'm not giving enough or that fear that each one of my kids don't feel enough love from us... When my mom told me being a parent is tough I was like no way but now that I have my own kids, goodness she was so right. Hope this helps!

You fears are normal, and don't be surprised to see some behavior from your daughter once she figures out new baby gets some of mom's time. My son actually once took the bottle out of my hand when I was feeding my daughter. This is all normal, and will pass, even more so as the baby ages and is less demanding. You can make it easier by planning a few things too.

Luckily, love is not a limited resource. In fact, having a new child will in some ways inable you to cherish and love your daughter even more. For me, one of the things that worked was to make 'mommy and me only' time with my oldest. He get to pick what we do for a few hours several times a week and baby stays home with dad. Mostly, we go on walks. Sometimes we go to special places or events baby can't go to. This is a natural segragation anyway since he is older and can do more things she can't. Look in Parent Wise or other sources for things to do and let your daughter pick from one of two age apporiate choices that just you and her do. Ham it up. It is your special time together. Make it like a date, dress up for it, go to her favorite place to eat, put it on the calender and talk about it building up the suspense. Before my second, we always did thing as a family, but with dad at home, I see a different side of my son and get to know him more closely.

As for grandparents, it does sometimes overwhelm my mother to have both at the same time, but my son helps with the baby by bringing her the bottle, and he helps take care in other ways to reduce her workload. It is wonderful to see him mature into a loving brother. I cherish my brothers and I am so glad my kids have each other. The great thing is that they will play with each other and entertain each other in time, which is less demanding on the adults. My daughter was only six months when they really started playing together. They love each other and enjoy each other. Sometimes grandma just gets one for a few hours, but this again is a great chance for the oldest to get some special alone time with parents. It all works out. Hang in there. :) Once they start playing together, you will see a new side to your daughter that will endear you even more, and give you some free time to just sit back and enjoy watching them.

My son turned 2 in july and i had my second son in sept (they are now 3 1/2 and 16 months), but i involved the older one alot, we would talk about bubba, and he always wanted to give him kisses which i let him no matter what. When he wanted to hold him we let him from the day he was born (except when he was asleep), we just made him sit on the couch all the way back and gave him to him, of course we sat next to him but did not "help" he didnt hold him for long most of the time before he got tired or bored. Now they get along pretty well i guess as well as brothers do at their age. but i felt (and still do) the same way you do. I think i treat them the same, but my oldest went 2 yrs being the only child and mostly the only grandchild (long story), so of course they get treated differently after the baby comes because you have to divide your love in 2 but sometimes i wonder if they think i love one more than the other, or if they will grow up thinking that. I dont know, that is something i think all moms go through and we might never find the answer to that even after they are grown and left the house. Good luck and CONGRATS on the baby (we didnt plan on #2 that early either), but remember God knows what he is doing and He would never put you through anything that you cant handle.

I am the mom of 3 children, all 2 years apart. They all know that my husband and I love them. They all get to spend time with us and their grandparents. I think if you are happy about a 2nd child then your daughter will be too. They pick up on what you are saying and feeling alot younger than you may think. If you continue to be depressed and not feel love toward this second child, then your daughter will feel the same. When my second was born, my 1st daughter was 23 months old. They are best friends now. They each have their own friends, but they truly love to be together.

Certainly normal! I am going through that myself too. My son will be 2 years, 2 months when my daughter is born. We did plan for her, but I am still worried about my son not getting the attention he deserves and is used to. I have so much love for him that I do worry that I might not love another as much. I know logically that I will. Have you ever met a mother who regrets her second child? Or one who loves one more than another? I am sure we won't be the first. God will take care of that!

My boys are 2.5 years apart, and although it wasn't easy at first, they are the best friends now (almost 5 and 2.5). I think if I would have waited a few more years before having the second child, it would be a totally different situation. My first son doesn't even remember life without his little brother. If he was 3 or 4 or 5, he'd definitely have some harder issues to get through.

And don't worry about the love--- it will be there. Think of your first child as being your first love (with all the romance and tingles) and think of your subsequent child(ren) as being your "married love" (the kind that might not give you as many tingles, but you are secure in it and know it's there forever).

While pregnant with my first, I was sure there was no way I could love her as much as I love my little brother. Turns out, I had no need to worry. Then when I was pregnant with my second, I wondered how I could love her as much as my first. Again, not anything to worry about. After she was born, that worry was converted to guilt about not being able to give my eldest as much as I had. My wonderful friend said some words that rang true and helped me get over my guilt:

We never feel guilty that our second children don't get to be only children.

Simple, but it made me say "oh yeah" and start to feel better.

Hi, I am a mom of 2 and I love on my niece 50+ hours a week. How can you love someone SO much? Right?!
Let me just tell you... YOUR heart gets BIGGER with each child. I am currently healing from a misscarriage and we plan to try again very soon. I love my children with all my heart. They are sent directly from God to each of us and God knows JUST HOW BIG YOUR HEART IS. Enjoy this time with Ally. Be honest with her (yes, even at her young age) about the changes that are happening. Make dates and special things to do just you two later after the new baby comes. Make the EFFORT to stay connected with Ally always.
Yes, it is an effort, but one worth making.
PS. Two really is easier. My kids LOVE eachother, share a room and toys and my little one really misses his sister when she is away at school. The light that shines on their faces as they reconnect after a few hours away from each other delights my heart. They NEED each other just like I need them.
Praise the Lord for your blessings.
S. (30 yrs old, TTC # 3)