22 Yr Old Daughter.

This sounds like a couple of people I know. Each has bipolar disorder. Is she using drugs? It is hard, but you may need some tough love here until she can get herself some help. She may wake up with the right medications and therapy, but it is a roller coaster of ups and downs and will probably take a while.

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Sounds like you allow this. She will only do what you allow her to. Have you had a talk with her to let her know what the boundaries are? If curfew is part of your boundaries, let her know this, even if she is 22!

My daughter moved back in after being out for almost 2 years and she is 27 in April. She has responsibilities here at home and it is expected. Two loads of clothes in the washer will get her a reminder that the repair man is not cheap and she will use the equipment properly or go tot he laundry mat.

No job is unacceptable. My daughter clearly knows, everyone in the house must work and do their share! We all bring in an income to support this home and ourselves. I charge a very small amount of rent, but I expect it within 3 days at the beginning of the month. For a while it was up to 15 days late and we had to stop and talk. Now it is in cash and on my dresser on time. The rent helps me with the laundry detergent and food, as she is expected to pick up her own toiletries. She has her days of the month she is expected to run the vacuum cleaner.

No matter where they live, there are rules and not matter what age. Please share with me who you could go live with who would clean after you, support you, and allow you to walk through the revolving door when you please. Not even my husband would put up with that.

And yes, I have told her on more than one occasion...get a job or get out. She is now an educated, employed, and self supporting individual. She is spoiled, but self supporting. Any overnighters are sent to me via text so I don't wonder where she is and if she is still with us.

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You are enabling your daughter to be this way. STOP!!!
Stop paying for things
Stop letting her live at your house rent free
Stop letting her be disrepectful to you and your home
Set some boundaries/rules/expectations and tell her if she doesn't like it she can be a freeloader somewhere else.

I know it can be hard to watch your daughter have "problems" or to "want" for anything, but she is an adult and CAN take care of herself. You are only making her helpless, you are part of her problem, a very big part. You may think you are doing her a favor, but you are not.

Seriously, she is 22!!! She will never hold a job if she knows mommy is waiting to help her out, she has someone to fall back on. Let her learn her own lessons and figure out how to take care of herself.

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ok i have finally had enough coffee to answer this one. you have two choices
you can either change the locks on your doors so that your daughter doesnt
smoother you in your sleep like she has told she is going to do. or you can
continue doing nothing but taking her back when she runs out of money.
its not that she needs to wake up to reality its that you need to. sit down
and think this over . because she will never take responsibility for herself
if she doesnt have to.
K. h.

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My guess is she got married toget away from home and when her husband expected her to be a responsible adult she didn't know how. Stop enabling her! She is an adult now. It is your house...your rules. Expecting her to call if she is staying out is a little rediculous at her age, as long as she is not doing anything illegal don't force this one. As far as respect and care of herself and your home . Either she follows the rules or she leaves. If you are always there to take care of her problems she won't take care of her own. Don't pay her bills or her medical they are HER responsibilities not yours. There are free clinics if she needs healthcare. Give her a deadline to find a job and either start paying rent or move out. Let her know your expectations up front (cleanliness, respect, responsibility).She may not "like" you for a while but you are doing her no good by not making her GROW UP!

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She sounds like she is going down the drain and will take you with her if you aren't careful. This stinks of drugs and if she is on them no amount of reasoning or parenting is going to do the trick, she needs to get off them and get help now and then work her way back up the ladder to normal.

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Where is the respect of a child for a parent? Any time a child tells a parent that they will smother them with a pillow it is time to cut the cord and throw it away. Yes tough love is scary but it is the only thing to do. When you put her things out on the front porch or curb, change the locks on the doors and the phone number if necessary. She has used up all of her calls and cards for help. You have a husband to tend to and a life with him and she will learn to function and find friends to take her in. She can't have it both ways a child at home and a grown woman. As a grown woman of 22 it is time for her to make her own way. Keep your money in your pockets or you will be broke in your retirement years. Those of us who said put her out can't be wrong. I even put my son out just as he was going into the military. About 10 years later he thanked me for what I did. When you are feed up you will know hopefully sooner than later. The other S.

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She has no reason to straighten up because you are enabling her to remain like a child -- you do everything for her. I think it's time for her to be on her own. I know it's hard. I've had some problems with my older daughter. Of course you love her. But if she relies on you for everything she'll never stand on her own too feet.

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I think it is very easy for people to be tought in a situation like this. Three of my five siblings are living at home with my parents, one of them brought her baby and her boyfriend too. I live on my own, own my own home, and take care of my kids - along with my husband. My other brother is in the Army and serving his second tour in Iraq and the ripe age of 22. My parents allow my siblings to live at home rent free, utlitiyl bill free, and have to pull teeth out to get help with cleaning the house. I can't imagine doing that to my parents. Your daughter needs to know how hard it is to do everything for herself because she can appreciate what she has. I do not think she is a bad person, but her behavior is horrible right now. How you get her to change will depend on how you raised her and what your heart will take. But it comes down to a simple question, will it hurt your heart more to be extremely tough on her or to bury her? She needs to grow up and be an adult - and it's a scary step for kids and parents...but it's what she needs to do. I hope you have luck in whatever route you take with her. Stay strong, you're a great mom for asking for help and recognizing that the situation you all have now is not working.

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Hello,

You are being taken advantage of. This is your child, but she doesn't treat you the way she should. I think a little tough love is what she needs. Why would she change, especially if you both put up with it...even with an argument here and there. You financially support her, clean up after her and pay her bills. Why would she do any different?
You have to show her that she needs to get off her butt and do for herself. I think it's time you kick her out and not pay for her, show her what ot is to be responsible. Taking advantage of you gives no lesson, you got her a job and she just quit. Well I am sure she will manage to live, as we all do, with no help and being self reliant. She will hate it at first and probably claim to hate you, but you aren't doing any good for her by babying her still. She will never grow up if you continue down this road and she will never respect you, ever!
Pray about it, God bless!

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There is no reason for her to "wake up to reality" when you and your home are providing her with fantasy, ugly as it is. I know that you love her, but you need to rethink your definition of love. How you are acting out love now is how you would love a child from infancy through toddlerhood, when they are really not capable of responsibility. The action of love changes as our children grow. If we keep doing for a child things they are capable of doing for themselves, are we not tellling them that we consider them incapable? I think you know (and I would imagine she does too) that behavior like this is terribly inappropriate and destructive to her life. It has to feel uncomfortable at the least to know that you are no more mature than a 4 yr old and that your parents are fine with that. The first step you need to take is to IMMEDIATELY have your daughter removed from your home. This would be for your protection. Change your locks and get a restraining order, or order of protection, whichever your state provides. Please seek professional help for yourself in order to understand why you behave as you do and to learn the skills that may help your daughter. I am imagining that underneath she is a very sad person who is disgusted with herself. It may take many years to turn this around and in the end, she is the only one who can turn herself around, but seeing you beginning to love her appropriately, could have a big impact. Best of luck.

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It sounds more like you are enabling her bad behavior than helping her grow up. I am saying this as a 25 year old myself. I am not sure that your daughter will understand the reality of life if you keep sheltering her from it. She needs to understand that if she is a healthy adult if she wants to eat she has to work. Adults have to work in order to eat and have a roof over their heads and clothing to wear. You are not doing your daughter any favors by providing everything for her when she just doesnt want to work. It sounds like you really love your daughter and I think that tough love is what is needed to help her grow up. Life has hard consquences and it is hard to watch your child be in pain or suffer but sometimes character is only built through the hard times. Good luck.

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Yikes! It definitely does not sound like you hate your daughter......what you do not like is her behavior. It is immature and disrespectful and she is not taking responsibility for her actions or herself. You most certainly can love her and support her, emotionally, but by supporting her financially you may be enabling her behavior. Just because she's of "legal age" doesn't mean you can't "parent" her. If I was in the same position, which I'm not, I would hope that I could tell my daughter that I love her and want to help her but that her behavior and actions are not acceptable. If she wants to live in my house she must abide by certain agreed upon rules. Then have her agree to those rules and sign a contract with the understanding being that if she does not abide by it, that she will be asked to leave. She has to figure out where she's going and how she's getting there.......unfortunately as good as your intentions you can not force it on her. Good luck!!

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OMG - I can't believe you put up with this!! My parents helped me out till I got married, but she was married and then couldn't make her marriage work, or what? And if any one said they were going to smother me, I would have kicked them out right then, I don't care if they are my kid or not! I wouldn't worry about the staying out all night, etc - she is a grown person, even though she is not acting like it....she should have respect enough to call you and let you know, but obviously she doesn't have a lot of respect in any area right now. She is still 'young' abut needs to grow up. Hopefully one day she will recognize everything you have done for her and continue to do - but honestly, you need to give her a time line - she is taking advantage of you - you don't need to have a big blow out fight and kick her out - just simply tell her that this has gone on for long enough and you love her, but she needs to take responsibility for her actions - so you will help her look for her own apartment or whatever, but she has until such and such a date to have her act together and find another place to live unless she decides to go by your rules - which means: calling you when she stays out, paying back the money she owes you, not stealing, etc etc....whatever rules you want - this is your house and she needs to realize that! You shouldn't be scared to confront her or have expectations....she knows you love her but that's what she is banking on!! Good luck!

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Ok. have not read any of the other comments yet, but I say tough love her out the door. I say this only b/c she is an adult and has to learn to be one. As long as you continue to support her, she wont. I'm not that much older than her, 10yrs, and can honestly tell you that I wish my mom had put her foot down more when I was younger. I've made mistakes, that were all my own, but if I had more boundaries I would not have made some. You did not mention drugs or anything, but even if that is the case she has to change on her own. I think that as moms we always want to protect our kids and make sure they have a easier time in life than we may have experienced. I think that in doing so w/ baby them too much. She is no longer a child, its time for her to become a productive memeber of society. She is old enough to have finished college, so your job as her provider is over. You can let her know that you love her and will always be there for her when she needs you, but you will not tolerate her disrespect and that she has x number of months to get a job and leave your house. Since she is w/out children I say 6 months should be sufficient and stick to it. She may be angry w/you for it now but when she matures and does for herself she will know that you were right and be better for it. Good Luck

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Tough love her right out the door. Sure, you could wait. And have her cause you misery for another year, five years, 10 years, but it will eventually get back to this point so just do it now! If you use tough love, the likelihood of her becoming a responsible adult is greater.

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Hi. I am a 25 yr. old single mom. I saw your post and thought maybe, since it wasn't so long ago that i was 22, that I'd post. Plus, i have a 22 year old sister. Personally, I went through "spells", but nothing quite as extreme as you described. I did leave home, only to return again on my knees begging for my mother to care for me. And now that I AM a mom, i know how that feels. Naturally you want to care for her. Protect her. Keep her happy. See her successful. But you can't help her if she refuses to help herself. You have done everything to set her up for success, and SHE tears it down. It's not that she is just having alot of "unfortunate events", she quit her job. her choice. she left her home to run around with girlfriends, her choice. so, if she can make such selfish, irresponsible decisions... then it's up to you to let her know your pisapproval. not that you don't love her... or disapprove of her as a person (which, she'll throw out there!!!!) but that her actions do not reflect the young, mature, responsible young woman you raised. That you love her and know that she is capable of so much more. And that until she can do that, come to her senses, she is "cut off". It will be harder on you than it is on her... remember to stay strong. This will be your make or break moment! And she may for some time act like she "hates" you and that she will never come to her senses and that you "lost your daughter". But there's nothing stronger than the bond between a mother and her child. I guarantee you that she will, when the world is quiet, and she's alone... she'll think of you. and all that you said. and she will have a breathrough. and it will require her to humble herself, be mature and "grown-up" like, to call you and say "mom, you were right". You instictively know what is best for your child. You already know what you have to do. Just stick to it! I wish you and your family the best of luck in this trying period!

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First I want to say how aweful I felt reading your post! That is such a hard situation. I myself do not have a child in this situation however, my parents enabled my older brothers to act this way. As a result my middle brother is living at home at 38 with his daughter who my parents are raising. They thought/ think they are helping and really all they do is make it easy for them to continue to carry on with out any accountability or care. I on the other hand, was made to pay for and do for myself. I have my own home and a family and respect and appreciate my parents for being tough on me. I had to push myself and for that I feel very proud and happy. Do you think your daughter may be on drugs. If this is not in her character to act this way, it certainly sound like it. I think the simple fact that she threatened you is enough to say "Go". I'm sure it will be one of the hardest things to do but, she is old enough to take care of herself and she has to learn how to get up if she falls. I do think you should be there for her but only if you see she is trying to better herself or if she is sick or hurt obviously. She will always be your little girl but, she is 22 and if you continue to bail her out after she makes the bad choices she will keep doing that because she knows her parents are always there to bail her out. Good luck!
Jen

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LOL. It actually seems like this is a planted, bona-fide attention getter of a request! Let me begin by saying that I do not intend to come across like a jerk, and possibly my reaction may seem a**holish. I'm sure you're getting lots of "tough love" recommendations. I would have to tow that line. Love is not tolerating ill behavior by your children. Love is preparing them to take care of themselves (and their own children, someday). Why does she do this? Because she can. Did you do this to your parents? No? Why? Because you "could not." They probably wouldn't have accepted it (even if you feel that you would NEVER!!!!......) You probably felt you would NEVER because you knew they would never tolerate it. Sheesh. Who will she be taking advantage of when you're gone? Other family? Lovers? Children? Give her opportunity to find some self-esteem by pointing her in the right direction to accepting personal responsibility for her behavior and her maintenance. The time is now. Like pulling off a band aid. Just do it. Quick, hold your breath for the painful part, then exhale and wait for the healing. You'll both be better off. Best of luck.

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Tough Love that girl right away! Obviously you have indulged her far too long. We have a 23 year old boy and 21 year old girl still living at home, working, going to school, paying for their own insurance, and still doing chores. We all have a mutual respect for each other. You are not doing her any favors...in fact you are enabling her behavior. Good Luck!

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Hi- I didn't read the other responses and I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but...Her behavior will continue as long as you allow it too. You are a big part of the probleem. I'm sure you mean well but as long as you take care of her without requiring anything of her she will do whatever she wants. At 22 I had no interest in living with my parents becuase I would have had to follow their rules, let them know where I was, pay for some expenses, be home at a certain time etc. Taking care of myself was worth the freedom that came along with it. If I had a free ride at home and still got to do whatever I wanted I might have stayed forever. There is nothing wrong with helping your adult children but you are enabling not helping. I'd give her one shot to start pulling her weight at home and be respectful and then if she still acts like a jerk out she goes!

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I'm afraid you've created a monster. Your daughter is an ungrateful, unappreciative, disrespectful, spoiled brat. And I'm sure this has very little to do with how you raised her. I'm sure you did a good job because you sound like a very loving, caring, generous mother. Sometimes that is not enough and we can't control who our kids become. I would advise you to stop taking care of her. She is grown. She will find a way to take care of herself. Anyone who quits a job in this economony is lazy and irresponsible. She will only work is she has to and as long as you are taking care of her, she doesn't have to. Tough love is definitely the answer!

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She is 22! A full grown ADULT woman who obviously can take care of herself. IMO, don't shut her out but do kick her out. Let her know your door is always open if she needs anything but she can no longer live with you.

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poor L.. what a nightmare.
she might well wake up, but not without a wake up call. it may all work out, but only if she decides to start working on it. YOU working on it can't do it for her. tough love is certainly the right answer here. at the very least, stop allowing her to ruin your life. don't give her money, put her laundry back in her room if she hogs the machines, change the locks and don't give her a key so if she's out beyond when she tells you, she's out for the night.
if you are in physical danger (that threat really bothers me) then she should not be in your house.
i'm so sorry you are going through this. my heart goes out to you.
khairete
S.

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I don't think there is an easy answer here. Posters can say "tough love her" and ask her to leave, but its hard when its your own kid. I haven't been in this predicament, but both my in-laws and my parents have an adult child living with them. My sister, however, has two young kids and is clinically depressed - so even though it drives them crazy to have her living at home they really have no choice. My SIL, however, has no kids at home and can't hold down a job. If I were them, I'd pack her stuff and tell her its time for her to figure things out for herself. They won't do that though b/c they couldn't stomach thinking about her sleeping on couches or even in the streets. I'm not sure I could either if it was my child. Perhaps some time of intervention is needed? I know there are therapists out there that could help you? Perhaps you and your husband should seek someone out to talk to and help you work through the situation? Good luck... I hope she comes around sooner rather than later!!

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Hi, I would definitely say tough love. Unfortunately, this seems like it's enabling her. There is nothing you can control except you. This is affecting you negatively and you need to protect your sanity :o) She won't learn anything as long as she is given everything. I would keep medical insurance on her if you can, just because she needs her health taken care of. Once she gets a little older though, I would let her know that she can apply for Medicaid if she chooses to not have a job and insurance by then. I think to take everything away that she should be capable of doing herself would be the best way to love her. She may not grow if you don't. She may have to hit 'rock bottom', and it will not be fun to watch, but just remember that it's out of love. If you haven't read it, try reading Boundaries by John Townsend and I Hate You Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman. They are good books that can help with you since you can't control her. My grandparents have gone through this with my father and he is now a grandfather and is still not stable. He's been given everything all of his life and his parents are finally deciding to let him grow up. I hope this helps. I'll keep you in my prayers :o)

~C.

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You need to let your daughter pay for what she needs and also give her a time line to find a job and move out. She is 22 not 2. She knows that you would pick up the pieces so she dishing it out, make her responsible. You are a very nice mother, who give too much and she knows that and takes advantage of it. When i was 22 I was on my own because my mother made it clear that this house belongs to her and if I do not agree with her rules then I need to find my own place. I diid find my own because I did not want to have a 10pm curfew at age 20 and she did not give me one dime to move, not only that she only assume financial responsibility for my first year of college and the rest I had to work and pay for it on my own. I say this to let you know how privledge your daughter is and she does not know. Tough love is the best love it will either break you or make you. Good luck.

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been their done that. my son is 24yrs old. he still don't tell me the whole truth about some things. he also asked me for money all the time.he's getting alot better .holds down a job. has his own place w/girlfriend and 19mo old daughter.too bad they fight all the time.my son thinks I'm too noise.I tell him when you stop asking for money I'll stop being so noise.L.

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22? Did you say 22? She needs to grow up and as long as you are enabling her behavior, she has no impetus to do so. My parents went through hell with my brother, and now as a 33-year-old, he will advise you to show her the door! Tough love was the only thing that worked because it forced him to grow up and accept responsibility for his own life. It's not easy but it will be much easier at 22 then at 32; it will be easier for her to start life again in her 20's and she will have a more rewarding life the sooner she gets out of it. As for the basic sloppiness and disrespect of your home, gather all her things that are not left in the appropriate place, leave a note saying she has x amount of time to reclaim them or they go in the trash, then follow through! Do not give in, she will thank you one day for not letting her waste her life away.

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kick her lazy @$$ out......she disrespects you because you allow it & i am sure this has been going on since she was very young...........if you want her to have a chance in life you need to toughen up, she will thank you one day but not if you keep bailing her out.....my daughter is almost 20 & she knows I would NEVER allow her to treat me that way.....she can disrespect herself but she will never disrespect me, especially in my own home.....please help your daughter before it's to late

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Oh L., you are in such a tough spot. Yes, you would probably be wise to kick her out. But........

It's so easy to say kick her out, but this is your baby and you worry about her. Do you believe she would smother you, or was she mouthing off? The answer to that should help you decide what to do.

Tough Love would be appropriate, but if you can't bring yourself to do that just yet.......don't enable her. Don't give her a dime. Don't buy her favorite foods, don't spend money on her and consider not giving her a key to your house. Don't pay for her doctors. She can sit in line at parkland if she is really sick. The only thing I would pay for is medication or therapy. A safe place to sleep and whatever food you have in the house is all I would do besides that. If she wants the perks then she needs to get a job. This will be sooo hard, but I do believe it is in her best interest and it is in your best interest to stay strong.

Family counseling wouldn't hurt either.

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ohh definitely tough love her. it's the best thing you can do for her.
there is no reason for her to be back home. you didn't say where her marriage stands though reading between the lines that is gone too.
pack her stuff and ask her to leave.

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Tough Love!!! I had to do this with my now 26 yr old daughter when she was age 21. She now has full time employment and has learn to appreciate all life has to offer. It is not going to be easy. Try to find out if she is a substance abuser as well. If this is part of the reasons why she is the way she is @ this time seek counseling immediately!!!!

Absolutely tough love. You will always love your daughter, but part of loving and parenting is knowing when to say no. You have to sit her down, both you and your husband and tell it like it is. If she has talents she is wasting, tell her to find a way to use them to earn a living. Tell her she must contribute to your household and tell her exactly how. Tell her how much she must contribute in rent. Give her a deadline to straighten up, and if she doesn't, move her out. I have to wonder how she became such an ungrateful child. Allowing her to run you over is not how she will straighten out. She needs to learn to appreciate what she has and is given, and the best way to do that is earn her own way. If she goes wrong, it won't be because you didn't do the right thing. Love her enough to push her out of the nest and make her fly on her own. Stay strong! I wish you the best.

I agree completely that learning how to practice tough love with your daughter is most likely to bring changes that will most help her, you and your husband. If you are not familiar with tough love, see an explanation and short video here: http://toughlove.com/html/?gclid=CJXfw67Bm6ACFRsiawodjj98SA#

(The site appears to be under construction, so is not fully functional. But you'll get the idea.)

it will only work out if she is contributing to some kind of goal and contributing to your house. As long as you pay her way and take care of her she will never take care of herself ... why would she when she has you to fall back on and take advantage of. Tell her that she needs to start paying rent and helping with groceries by a certain day each month and if she doesn't then she is out. Pack her things and say bye. You have to do what you have to do. Also, if you want to you can then save this money and put it toward the payment of first months rent and security deposit on her apartment. She sounds a bit spoiled and is totally taking advantage of you. I say tough love her out the door. And it doesn't sound like you hate your daughter, but loving her doesn't mean you can't teach her a lesson or two.