25 answers

21 Year Old Son Has No Ambition and Is a Nightmare to Live With

My son has never been interested in doing anything to achieve anything. For as long as I can remember if he didn't do something perfect the first time he quits. He can't hold a job, barely graduated from high school, and managed to finish 15 hours of college in 3 years.

We pushed, prodded and threatened just to get the college hours in so he would get accepted in to the Army. Now he is scheduled to start basic training next week and told us yesterday he is quitting as he has too many issues to deal with mentally.

He has no job, no friends, sleeps 12-15 hours a day and only wakes to eat and play video game from midnight to whenever. He does nothing around the house and must be the center of attention or he makes everyones life hell.

We told him today if he does not go to basic training next week, he is out - we don't care where he goes as it is not fair to us or his simblings who manage to perform well in school and treat others with respect.

What if he refuses to leave? Do we have anyway to make him leave our house?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support. My husband also agrees he is depressed. We had him in counseling for sevearl years during high school and it seemed to help.

He has been with an adult counselor now for the last year or so, but rarely goes to scheduled appointments saying the counselor is unqualified to help him. I think he just does not like what the man has to say.

Today, my husband insisted that they both go to the Phsy. Counselor today. They are there now - all my son had to say is that now we will hear how really bad he has it.

My thoughts are he has had it too good and thinks that if we will just throw more money at the problem it will be fixed.

I hate it that I love my son, but can't handle dealing with him.

UPDATE: Psychologist read him the riot act. Basically told him he had made a commitment and that he would be going to Basic Training on Monday. That the only thing wrong with him is that he was comfortable with no life and that it was time that he grew up - told him many people have clinical depression and that he just choses to be depressed as an excuse to avoid life. I think it was quite a suprise to him as he expected my husband to come away from the session siding with him that he had too many mental issues to join the military. The Psychologist told him he wants to see him everyday this week, instead of the normal once a week and that all electronics (gaming systems) where to be unplugged and stored. He is not too happy right now, but didn't like his manhood being challenged by the Psychologist - so it may have just been what he needed as my husband said he went home and unplugged and gave the gaming system to my husband.

I know we have a rough week ahead of us, but hopefully we will see him off to Basic Training on Monday.

Featured Answers

I'm going to guess that he has some mental health issues that haven't been dealt with. No one wants to actually live the way that he does. He sounds depressed to me, and possibly addicted to gaming (or who only knows what else). Did he get help in school? Was he evaluated for things like learning disabilities or attention problems? What did those tests reveal, if anything?

Normally I'm a proponent of tough love but he sounds like he needs help. Get him into see a doctor ASAP to assess his physical and mental health and get him therapy or medication if needed until he's got some control over his life. If he refuses to go to basic training (and it doesn't sound like he'll succeed in that and will wash out in the first few weeks or months anyway) AND refuses other help, then you can take away his house keys, lock up, and if he shows up trying to get in, you can refuse and call the police. That would be a pretty harsh first step though. If this isn't the first step and he's already done therapy, medication etc. and is truly just lazy and unmotivated, then go ahead and try tough love and see where he lands. Some people do land on their feet, wake up and start living and others, frankly, don't.

He says he's got mental issues...what are you doing about those? What have you already done? He doesn't sound like a lazy ingrate to me, he sounds like someone who desperately needs help and has needed help for years. I would start with that before throwing him out.

5 moms found this helpful

If he does not go the basic training, give him 1 week to get all his stuff together and find somewhere else to live - then change the locks and don't give him a key.

3 moms found this helpful

If he does not go to Basic, you need to follow through and kick him out. You are allowing him to be this way--you may not want him to be, but you're paying his bills and letting him live there.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I'm going to guess that he has some mental health issues that haven't been dealt with. No one wants to actually live the way that he does. He sounds depressed to me, and possibly addicted to gaming (or who only knows what else). Did he get help in school? Was he evaluated for things like learning disabilities or attention problems? What did those tests reveal, if anything?

Normally I'm a proponent of tough love but he sounds like he needs help. Get him into see a doctor ASAP to assess his physical and mental health and get him therapy or medication if needed until he's got some control over his life. If he refuses to go to basic training (and it doesn't sound like he'll succeed in that and will wash out in the first few weeks or months anyway) AND refuses other help, then you can take away his house keys, lock up, and if he shows up trying to get in, you can refuse and call the police. That would be a pretty harsh first step though. If this isn't the first step and he's already done therapy, medication etc. and is truly just lazy and unmotivated, then go ahead and try tough love and see where he lands. Some people do land on their feet, wake up and start living and others, frankly, don't.

He says he's got mental issues...what are you doing about those? What have you already done? He doesn't sound like a lazy ingrate to me, he sounds like someone who desperately needs help and has needed help for years. I would start with that before throwing him out.

5 moms found this helpful

Stick with your promise that if he does not go into the Army on that day, that is the day he needs to find a new place to live, because he will not be living at home any longer. Stick to this..

Change the locks.

He is a grown man and needs to either get mental help (he sounds depressed) or he needs to buckle down and start figuring out how to survive.

I had a cousin just like this and he too joined the Army..Boy was he a big baby.. He did not follow the directions they had given about do not bring anything with you like ipods, etc.. and they took it away and her never got it back. NEVER! He hated the food and refused to eat.. for 2 days, and then started eating everything they put on his plate.

Ended up on the front lines of war. He is now a responsible person. Living an amazing life. With a beautiful condo, great car, travels and has a good job with good benefits. .

His mother also told him, "You will no longer be allowed to lay around here and eat our food and not have a job. By such and such date, you are out.. Not my problem any more. "

Worked great.

4 moms found this helpful

If he does not go the basic training, give him 1 week to get all his stuff together and find somewhere else to live - then change the locks and don't give him a key.

3 moms found this helpful

I did this with my son. He was signed up to go into the Army and at the last week didn't want to go. I had prepared myself for the separation and told him that he was going out of the house today. If he didn't go to the Army he was still leaving. He went in and has a very good life.

It took me a year to realize that I did throw him out. He was not really living at home but coming and going and it was time for him to go.

He didn't have the depression issue but he had a few. I never knew how calm a household could be until he was gone. Why what a relief!

So stick your plan and let him know that the count down is really true.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS Good for you guys. It may have takena pyschologist to show him the error or his ways and to turn him around. He got "shock" treatment of a different kind!

3 moms found this helpful

Good for you! Stay strong and stick by your guns!

He can't refuse to leave; legally, you can have him removed.

So he better start coming up with some kind of game plan, asap, because the bank of mom and dad is CLOSED.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's for the best, really it is. Sounds like you've exhausted all other options, so HE IS THE ONE MAKING THIS CHOICE, he chose to slack off and do nothing, he chose not to go to school, he chose not to get a life... it's all on him, so don't you feel bad for a second!

You're doing the right thing :) Take it from someone who was kicked out herself... this is a good thing!!

3 moms found this helpful

If he does not go to Basic, you need to follow through and kick him out. You are allowing him to be this way--you may not want him to be, but you're paying his bills and letting him live there.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you are doing the right thing. He is an adult and will now have to take care of himself. It sounds like you did as much as you can to help him and now he needs to help himself.

Also, I would think if he has signed the papers to join the army then he has to go. I didn't think you could quit or say I made a mistake after signing, but I could be wrong.

2 moms found this helpful

What a tough deal. I am glad you are giving him one last thing--THE BOOT!! I can imagine this has been a hard decision for you to make.

I'm sure others here will help you with answers to your question.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

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