2 Yr Old Meltdowns

Ahhh, the strong-willed child. As a parent, I've decided you just can't "get it" until you have one (and I do). I used to think that some people needed to better control their children, I guess God showed me :-). I really can't tell you if it's a medical issue, but I doubt it's your parenting. It is probably just your son's personality. My first born is very strong-willed and there was pretty much nothing I could do at that age if she set her mind to something. I agree with ignoring, even leave the room if you can. Or remove him from the room into his room until he calms down. Take away the incentive and if it is just a behavioral thing the meltdowns will start to get shorter.

Another trick I've learned over time (don't know if it applies in this situation but it helped us head off many a meltdown) is to offer choices whenever you can. "You can eat this now or wait until dinner . . . do you want the red cup or the blue cup for your milk" stuff like that where I still controlled the important part but allowed my daughter to make a choice (like offering a choice in cups would help head off an argument over wanting juice instead of milk when she needed to have milk). Anyway, I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps. Good luck!

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I agree with everything Katie (below) said. I have 4 kids and my 3rd child is VERY obstinate, very strong-willed. My older two are pretty sedate and enjoy keeping harmony in our house. My 3rd child seems to do whatever he can to stir things up. It's just his way to get attention, even though I give him tons of attention. I have noticed that when I spend special one-on-one time with him, he is not so starved for attention in negatively-seeking ways. I think some kids just need more attention that others, by their individual personality. Just be careful not to give attention after he/she has been acting negatively. Use it proactively or as a positive reinforcement for good behavior.

Good luck with your strong-willed child!

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I was watching the new Nanny show and she was dealing with a child like that who is ADHD. If it is only tantrums you have to ignore them. They are for attention but if it the other then he will have trouble focusing. This kid was hitting mom and there has to be a time out chair they keep going to and completely ignore all the sticking out tongue and noises just keep putting them there until he is there for the minutes of his age like if he is 2 then 2 minutes is the rule. My son had tubes and everything he heard from the time he got them was louder. He stayed in our yard and never went out but I found out he could not have heard a car if it were to come.I had one easy going child that as soon as he was two through a few tantrums and they have now moved on once they learn to communicate and talk. It is so frustrating when they can not. God Bless and good luck G. W

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I think a visit to your Ped., fill him or her in on exactly what you've shared with us. Every child is different. It would be unfair to compare him to your other children. Just my opinion, please don't think I'm being critical. I know what it is like to be at your wits end and you feel like your child is out of control. Rule out anything medical first and get your Drs. recommendations for anything else.

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Here are some tips that we use with our 2 year-old and she is pretty well behaved:

1) Warn several times in advance so that she knows what is coming. For example, while we are eating I let her know what is coming. "After dinner we are going to take a bath, then brush teeth, then go potty, then read a book and bed." Then she repeats it like a game throughout dinner. If she is going to watch a show, I tell her you can watch one show and then after that show it is going to be time for bed. Then I give her a 10 minute and 5 minute warning so that she is not surprised. I use that approach pretty much with everything so she is not caught off guard. That helps to prevent a lot of tantrums.

2) I make sure she has a minimal amount of sugar - maybe ice cream on a special occasion. If I want to give her something sweet, she gets it in the form of fruit.

3) If she does something that would be a time-out punishment like hit her little sister or something. I give her a warning and tell her the next time she hits her sister then she will go to time-out. Then I follow through if she continues with that behavior. Most of the time she listens after the warning now b/c I have been doing this since she was 17-18 months so she knows I mean business.

Those just a few things that we do with ours that keep her behaved. Most of the time the trick is to try not to get to the point of having a tantrum b/c any tantrum is hard to control. Maybe some of these tips will work for you. Good luck!

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I would like to recommend "The Happiest Toddler On The Block". The DVD is very good. The main idea is much like what is best for an adult. It is reflecting how they feel. Once they see you understand, they calm down long enough for you to set limits on them. They will usually cooperate after that. That's an extremely simplified version of it. I have a granddaughter who is 20 months and it is working with her.
It will escalate if they feel they are not being "heard".

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Try reading Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. It has great advice for children age 1 to 6. It's a quick read and you can implement the advice immediately.

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He could be allergic to the cleaners in your home or hidden toxins in products used to clean the home. He could be just going through a stage. When one of my sons was about 2-3 yrs of age he would throw tantrums as well; so one day I layed in the floor with him and threw one two; he stopped his trantrum and just looked at me. He did not have any more after that. However he would get sick with different allergies and issues every month; I tried everything from putting him on supplements and I changed the the cleaning products to a non-toxic line called Get Clean by Shaklee. You can review that product line at http://____@____.com/getclean

Then if you decide you like what you find you can order it at
http://choice-wellness.myshaklee.com

I hope this helps. I also know of one lady that has a child that can not focus very well and he controls his behaviore by taking B-Complex every day; he makes straight A's when he is on the supplement. B Complex can be found at the same links above.

Health and Prosperity always,

S.

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I'm sure you're not a bad parent. You just have to adjust your skills to meet the needs of this child. Which I'm also learning to do with my 2nd (3 m/o). Some of the things we have done:

1)Routine became very important. My 6 y/o now knows that when she comes in from school, it's 30 min to play (set the timer), homework, supper, brush teeth, bath, and bed.

2)I would forget to watch the clock and she would stay up WAY too late, so we invested in timers (Dollar Store, cheap ones & one in every room). It's a life saver. I tell her you have have 20 min to bath/shower and set the timer. We started this when she was about 18 m/o. She learned after a few weeks that the "beep, beep, beep" meant her time was up. This also helped cut down on the "please Mommy just a little longers" because she knew her time was up.

3)Sleep was also an important factor for us. She is in bed by 8pm every night. Of course we have to be up at 6am every day. I don't know what your schedule is like, but at any age of growing up, sleep is important. When she started getting enough sleep, we saw an incredable decrease in the meltdowns. Now she knows when she has meltdowns, she needs to get more sleep and will usually tell us she needs to go to bed early BEFORE the meltdown.

4)Family Time and one-on-one time. Every Friday night we have Family Time -- watch movies, play board games, card games, ride bikes, roller skate, etc. This is our time to reconnect as a family after a long week. Saturday AM, I have special one-on-one time with her for a few hours. Sunday PM, my husband has his special time with her. I know as the kids get older we may have to change the night, but we still intend to have it once a week. We also eat supper every night at the table for about 20 min of family time every day and we ask "how was your day?" and "what did you do today?".

5)Before bedtime every night, we give her "coupons". They are just little pieces of paper that have positive phrases on them like way to go, good job, impressed, thanks, well done, etc. She gets a coupon for every POSITIVE thing she did during the day. For example, she held the door open while we brought in groceries...she gets a coupon. If she did it without being asked...she gets another coupon.
With her coupons, she can spend them any way she likes. If she wants a coke when we eat out...5 coupons. If she wants extra bath time or to stay up late...1 coupon for every extra minute. If she wants to buy a toy at Wal-Mart...1 coupon for every 10 cents.

As you might be able to tell, my husband is a cousler of 10-17 yr olds. Some of this stuff he learned in school and we've adapted to our family and needs. Some we have learned through mistakes. Every family is a little different and it would have to be adjusted to your needs as well. Sorry this is so long, I just want to give you all the info I can that might be helpful. Good Luck and DON'T GIVE UP!!!

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Hi S.,

My oldest daughter started having horrible fits and was became very defiant around age two. I found the book, "Setting Limits with the Strong Willed Child" by Dr. Robert MacKenzie and it changed our lives. I'm not sure if this will be your answer, but it was mine so I suggest this book to all parents!

Tiff

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I hear you! I felt like a good mom until I had my second child, a strong-willed son. Then I felt like a failure. He too had to get tubes in his ears, which did help. But he still had fits. I would try any parenting technique to get them to stop, to figure out how to prevent him from going there.

I figured out that he is just not an easy-going child. He needs to feel like he has some sort of control over his environment, so giving him lots of choices is great, even over really small things, like which shirt to wear. Love and Logic has great ideas about this.

Preparing him for what is going to happen helps too. He has a fit when unexpected things happen, or when he experiences new things that are loud, crowded, etc. These can be signs of sensory integration problems, so you might want to look into that too. I have to give my son warnings (5 min. and 1 min.) for when we are going to move on to a different activity or place. And I've had to hold him a lot, or just pick up and leave to go home if he couldn't calm down. That's not fun.

I also had to stop expecting him to be like his much more easy-going sister. I would love it if he would just "chill"!
Much patience is needed with these little ones!

But there will be times where things don't go his way, so you may need to invest in some earplugs! Seriously. It's really hard to just wait it out, but sometimes, that's all that can be done.

My son is 3 now and is doing much better. Good luck and you're not a bad mom!

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Oh, how I feel your pain!!! My daughter is will be 3 around Christmas time and I have been worrying about this for several months. It seems like sometimes it isn't even so much a tantrum as it is a complete meltdown. If I say a word, make one move, do ANYTHING it just escilates! I hate the feeling of so much lack of control over my child. I am at a loss as well with how to handle the situation everytime it arrives. It is very unpredictable. I am going to be asking my daughter soon as well. I have tried ignoring it, which is hard to do in public or in a place where she could get hurt because she pays no attention to falling or where she is when she doesn this. I have tried ignoring, punishing, being sweet, being stern, NOTHING. I feel like she needs to be snapped out of it by something, Or like it is a battle that she is constantly winning.. This may sound aweful, but the last two times I could see it start to build up, I have held her down while she screams/grouls and fights me, I just didn't know what else to do, and then it happened.. she was finally broken. It was a huge struggle everytime, but each time she would finally just snap out of it, give me a hug, say sorry (after I asked her to), give me a kiss, and was pretty great the rest of the day. I am reading the book, "The Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson, so I am sure I am about to find out everything I am doing wrong. But please know you aren't alone!!

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I've got a two year old and we're going through this as well. Isn't this what they refer to when they say 'terrible twos'? Our pediatrician says the best route is just to ignore it (like Supernanny!) and he'll realize that his ploys for attention don't WORK. Almost like it's become a conditioned response: if he throws a tantrum, you give him attention. Just turn it the other way around and it might work! What I've heard and read is that at this age the most important thing is CONSISTENT responses and dicipline with our kids...they know how to manipulate us when they see we can be ambiguous in our responses. We seem to be guilty of "empty threats" such as "Do you want to go to time out?" and not sending her there...we're trying to get better at that. Good luck! It's such a FUN age - but at the same time, very trying!

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S.,
don't doubt yourself. I doubt it is your parenting style. It could just be your son's personality, but you seem to sense there is more. You have two other children and so you are pretty aware of how a two year old acts. If you feel something is off then you should discuss it with your pediatrician. There are many possibilities of what could be frustrating your little guy. Talk to your doctor and see if he/she can't help you figure out how to help your son. Or refer you to someone that can.

Be prepared for questions about your child's development. He sounds like he frustrates easily. Give some good examples. What bothers your child? Anything you think of just might be helpful to your doctor. For example: Do little things like the tags in his clothing upset him? That can be ADHD.

Try not to be afraid of what you will find out. This could be nothing more than personality, but if it is something you may be able to intervene so that your little guy is happier. It may be an easy fix. Maybe the ear tubes have pushed out and he needs new ones.
Hang in there Mom and follow your gut!

one more thing: I sell non-toxic cleaners. If you use conventional cleaners there has been some evidence of some of them causing health and behavioral issues in children.

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