2 Kids, Not Enough Sex

Hi A.,

I guess it would be helpful if you could think of different kinds of sex: steak and lobster dinner entree from a wonderful restaurant, hamburger helper, or fast food. The point is that instead of feeling that you can only enjoy sex "in the right moment", accept the different kinds of sex just so that you and your husband keep "getting it on". The more you do it, the more you want to find that "moment" to do it. And the better it will be. It's like this when you get older too, like after 50, which you are lucky not to worrying about now LOL!

Here's to getting the mojo back 4 months after the baby! Congrats on that!
D.

4 moms found this helpful

I know how you are feeling! But in my experience, I also know that when we have sex regularly, everyone is happier, and our marriage is healthier. So, be realistic, but be regular about it. So what if it has to be planned? With kids, spontanaeity goes out the door! It is more important that you have that part of your relationship than that you have spontanaeity. I know some people who even put it on the calendar. The point is to not give up just because you are tired or you feel to busy. You gotta make time for it, because it is a priority to you, and because it will make your marriage rich! As a woman, I think we need to be romanced to get us in the mood, and our men are ready whenever, and wherever! So let your hubby know this, and work hard together at it. If you always waited for the "right moment" for you, you are putting a lot of the focus of the sex relationship on yourself, and your needs, and it changes the relationship. We have found a much deeper, richer time when I focus more on his needs and he focuses on mine. Our sex lives change when we have children, but you just have to be more disciplined about it! Work hard at it, it is so worth it! A happy mommy and daddy, makes for happy children :)

3 moms found this helpful

Hi A.! Here is one thing that makes a huge difference.....take a week break from television and internet when you are home together and see how much time you have freed up for sex. That way.....as soon as the kids are in bed you've got all the time you need! :)

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The best advice I can give is to set a bed time, and stick with it. My boys have been going to bed at 8 since birth, and are great sleepers because of it. That leaves some quiet time for me and hubby before bed. Much of the time we are tired and just watch TV, but since we have the time we could have sex most every night if we wanted (and had the energy!)

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I have a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old, we go about once a week maybe every 3-4 days.

There is no good sex life with two young kids. I'm surprised you have the energy to do it once a week with a 4 month old.

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LOVE this question! We have a 10 month old and a 3 year old, we both work full time and are tired... not to mention sleep deprived, oh, and let's not forget the 3 year old seems to have decided that running into our room in the middle of the night doesn't help! We're happy with once a week, although there are times when it skips and we move into a new week, and realize that we haven't in a while.

For my husband and I, we tried "scheduling" and then it just didn't seem fun or enjoyable, it was more of a "task" that we told ourselves we had to do-- like babyproofing the living room or something. We just let it happen.

It also depends on how physical your relationship is naturally. My husband and I are both nerdy bookworms, and we get energized by each other talking about the world at large, politics, local issues, etc., when we have some time without kids. Sometimes I think we feel more "love" for each other because of our minds/souls, not our physical compatibility---if that makes sense at all!

I think it's great that you have a 4 month old and toddler and can make it happen once a week! I think at 4 months with our baby, I was still in the "pregnancy has wrecked my body and I'm not able to feel very sexy" stage ;)

Oh, one more thing, my husband and I actually took sick days once from our jobs just to have time together, alone, for more than a couple hours! It was very fun...

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This is a good one! I can say straight out I am getting none, but then again my hubby is deployed! However we have never let the kiddos slow us down one bit. I think the average is about 3-4 times a week. You need to learn to sneak it in during the day, or even in the morning. If the kids are all home, we will put on some cartoons or a movie and they rarely notice our absence. Sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship. The best marital advise we ever got was to never tell my hubby no (which is hard sometimes, and occasionally it has happened, with bad results), and for him to never tell me no (yeah like that is going to happen, he is a man). When you turn down your partner or he turns you down it will hurt the other person and they will retreat a bit and be upset. Just make sure you take the opportunity when you are both into it, and eventually the kids will be more independent and it won't be such a hassle. Good Luck!

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I know exactly what you mean! My husband is the kind who will try to do what seems best for me (though without asking my input), meaning that he won't ask for sex when he thinks I'm too tired. That made for very little of it during the first year of my second child's life--I was always tired! However, I recently had a serious talk with him and told him not to assume that I was too tired, that sometimes I just needed to be asked, that I could always take a nap if I had to, etc (I don't work outside the home).

Okay, you said the idea of scheduling it takes away some of the pleasure. That may be. But think of it this way. Men have a very physical need for sex. It's has to do with their physical make-up. When we help them meet that need, it strengthens the marriage bond, at least from their perspective. You said the idea of scheduling take`s away some of the pleasure. Is that from experience or is it just what you think will happen? Sure, before you have kids, the spontaneity adds to the thrill. But once you've had kids, scheduled sex is much more thrilling than none at all!

Yes, sex will be different after having kids. For me, I've found that it is actually better. I have more reasons to love my husband (a girl and a boy so far), and also have built up more creativity over time. I think back to our first year of marriage... it was nothing compared to what we have now.

The truth is, where you're at with a 4 month old (who may or may not be waking up still at night) is not where you'll be forever. Babies do eventually sleep through the night. If you're planning on stopping with two, then things will only get better. Eventually both kids will go to bed at a decent hour and you'll have time to have some "fun," as we call it, before you hit the sack. You'll be able to be more spontaneous again.

This would never work for us, but some people find waking up in the wee hours--like 1:00 or 2:00 am--to have a little romance and then going back to sleep works for them. This tends to be rather spontaneous, and would have to work for both of them.

Another thing. Look at your evenings. What exactly do you have to do each evening? If you stay home, what can be done earlier? If you work, that would be harder. But make a list and get things done--don't get distracted with little non-essentials like the Internet. Encourage your husband to do the same. Once the kids are down for the evening, you can decide if you want a little romance, or just to read or even go to sleep early. This of course won't happen every night with a baby--I know a couple who would sometimes interrupt romance to nurse a baby, but would continue when it was done--but focusing on a strict evening routine could help, and more as the baby gets older. HTH!

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Once a week is a good goal to have. I also have 2 young kids (2.5 years & 10 months), so we rarely have any down time to get intimate. We've had to get creative, such as having sex at lunch time or when both kids are down for a nap. We usually rush to the bedroom since we know we don't have a lot of time. Sometimes we have a quickie in the morning before the kids wake up. You just have to do it even if you are not in the mood. I found once we get going, I get in the mood then. If you don't schedule it, then you may go weeks without sex & the intimacy suffers. Sex after kids is not the same, but we've decided to take what we can get.

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yeah. i'd say we go MONTHS w/out it. and apprenty other mom's i talk to go 1x a month or longer.
yikes!

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I agree with what a lot of the other mothers said....have a bedtime schedule for your kids. It really makes a difference. My children are 13, 3 and 2 and I have always kept with a schedule. Then, I know that at the end of the day I will have a good hour to hour and a half with my husband, no matter how crazy it is in the hours leading up to that! Sometimes we just watch a movie, other times we enjoy a glass of wine and conversation or are intimate. For me the key is not necessarily how much sex we have, it's how much quality time we have together. I feel like I need conversation and cuddle time more than actual sex itself. My hubby definitely has a higher sex drive than me, but it's pretty easy to spend a couple of minutes taking care of him even if I'm not "in the mood". There have been times the kids are watching a movie and enjoying a snack, so my hubby and I sneak into the bedroom or even the bathroom and I give him a quickie.

The key really is to schedule time with each other and let things take their course. Don't stress yourself or schedule "it", just focus on time with each other. Things will get a bit better as your baby gets older and is on a more regular schedule.

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Just keep in mind that you have to be strict about things like bed times, where they sleep, etc. I am the schedule maniac in my house for this exact reason. I want all of my kids in their beds by 8:30... meaning no trips to the sink for water, or "I need this..."... specifically so that hubby and I can have at least half an hour (usually closer to an hour and a half) alone. 99% of the time, we simply watch tv together in the livingroom, but if something does come up, we have the chance.
I realize your kids are younger so that is harder, I am just saying, you have to arrange their schedule now so that this "no alone time" doesn't continue for years and years. In the meantime, get creative. Send the oldest to a relatives or a friends for the day (it's much easier to sneak in a little time with a 4 month old in the house than a 3 year old!).
Most importantly, schedule REGULAR date nights. That doesn't mean you have to go out... it just means you are together, without the kids. Get a sitter and do something together. If it leads to something, great. If not, thats ok... the point is being together and keeping up the intimacy between you two. And don't be afraid to do it when and where you can!!!

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I shoot for once a week also, although that doesn't always happen. I have 4 year old twins and a 9 month old (which I'm still breastfeeding). I've been really frustrated with my lack of libido lately, and I've heard that nursing hormones can be the culprit. So I'm looking forward to eventually having the "on button" working again, so to speak. Unfortunately, right now sex only makes it on my to do list because it is important to my husband. Sadly, I go through the motions, but really would much rather sleep or zone out watching TV. We have great communication and are very affectionate, the only issues are that I am a tired mommy with zero sex drive. I'm REALLY hoping this is temporary! I totally feel your frustration. Thanks for bringing this up, and thanks to all you mommies for sharing your experiences.

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Okay, this is really a tough one. Once a week is pretty good for having a toddler and a 4 month old! So stick to that goal.
The things that have helped me are: 1) If I'm in the mood, then I give my husband a heads-up so that we can do "it" very soon after the kids are asleep, thus minimizing the chances that a) one of the children will wake up and b) I will get tired and lose the impulse altogether. 2) Opening up my idea of what sex should be like. Sometimes I'm not really aroused at all, but I consent to having "talky sex" which means that we continue our regular, mundane conversation, but while having slow, relaxed, unexciting married sex. Without the pressure of having to have "great sex" I usually become slowly more aroused and end up having a pretty good time--maybe not orgasmic, but certainly content and connected.
I hope that's not too much information!

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Hey lady.. :) wow.. luv the question!! lol i have a 5, 3, & 1 yr old and one in the oven.. so obviously there is still time for romance..lol My husband and I have to make it that way since he's gone all week being a truck driver.. he's only home on the weekends.. but like the one mom said.. sched bedtimes!! all 3 of my kids go to bed by 7-8 mostly 7 thru the week 8 cuz their father is home on the wkend..so that frees up some time.. also we put our 1 yr old down for a nap, throw on a movie & play rock, papers, scissors for who's gonna clean up the popcorn we're given our 3 & 5 yr old in the living room so we can squeeze in a afternoon nookie session..lmao.. it's awesome cuz the kids r preoccupied & in the same sense we're both tending to our needs.. cuz by the end of the day (especially being prego) i'm exhausted!! and my husband sched is kinda off cuz he drives more at nite.. but sometime u only have time for a 5 min session or u only remove the most necessary parts of clothing that need to come off to get a piece of booty!! lol trust me the romance/sex life is still there u just have to find it again or be creative especially w/ the more kids you have.. lol good luck :)

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Don't give up hope yet A....your youngest is only 4 months old! When my youngest was that young we didn't get "it" done more than once or twice a week. Now that my youngest is two and is more independent, not waking during the night and all that other stuff that comes along with littler ones,my husband and I find more time for ourselves! Just be patient, when having such a little baby, be happy that there is any time for sex at all! It will come back to you soon enough...we have been married for almost 9 years and have a 5, 3 and 2 year old and we get it on at least 3 times a week if not more! Intimacy will return!!!

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wait 10 years...then it may be better! HA! Well, if it makes you feel any better, you are doing "better" than me.... MAYBE once/month!

Just keep trying to do it when you can... it will get better as the kids get older and you learn to find opportunities. Even though "scheduling" the sex doesn't work well for you now, try finding ways to build up to it, such as thinking about your upcoming event later in the day. Eventually you might find that it works out well for you.

But, yes, things will get better. Your kids are still so little and need so much attention that you are in the toughest time period.

I would like to know the answer to this too! My husband and I went a whole year without "real" sex, from the time I got pregnant with #2 until we went on vacation last month. Too tired, too sick, too distracted - toooooo long! Since then we've been able to sneak in a couple of "quickies" while my DD is at preschool and my DS is napping. This only works if my DH is able to come home for lunch though... We are cosleeping with the baby and hope to move him to a crib soon, maybe then things will improve! But I'd love to hear other ppl's experiences...

Well mine are seven and ten now, but still its hard to find time when you end up dealing with kids, pets, school, schedule, work all that anyway..so we sometimes only have it once a week but hey, we make it worth our while. Usually on Saturday afternoons we send the kids to their rooms for a couple of hours (so they spend time reading or something instead of playing star wars all day). We usually do it then..sometimes its Sunday..sometimes we just close the door and do it..once in awhile before work if we end up awake earlier than usual. Make the time if you want it!

Wow. My husband would love you ladies. Although I was the aggressor early in the relationship, I couldn't care less if "it" ever happened again. My husband would be elated if "it" was once/week.

Between kids, cancer, chemo, work, life and low testosterone levels, "it" is just not on my radar.

We've talked to my OB/GYN, and unless I want to take testosterone injections (which are not advisable if we want to have more kids), there isn't a lot I can do. There is a female libido enhancement drug in development by a reputable pharmaceutical company and in clinical trials - perhaps one day.

For now, more power to you A. O.!

I have a 4 mo and a 6 yo. I generally ambush my boyfriend when i get home from work. I work til 2 am, but he doesn't seem to mind me waking him. On the nights i have off, I generally try to get the kids to bed early, pop in a dvd and grab him coming in the door. I'd say grab whatever time you can. No one says it has to be a long session, a quickie is great too!!!

Wow, once a week is pretty good...I too am interested in mama's responses. Since our girl was born almost a year and a half ago we've had sex maybe FIVE times. We both work full time, opposite schedules and only get to see each other on the weekends. Ugh. I know we both want to find the time to be more intimate....but WHEN? I agree, the "scheduled" sex doesn't sound great either. We are both so tired and burnt out many times, all we want to do is snuggle on the couch and watch movies. I always end up going to bed first because I normally get up at 3am to go to work, so even on the weekends I'm T-I-R-E-D. I'm sure some will come up with some good suggestions....can't wait to read about them...just wanted to give a comparison story; I think you've got it pretty good!

It will be difficult to have that spontanous sex, but sometimes having certain days set aside will give you time to think about it, and get excited. Send you hubby a sexy text message or picture.

I would say for us maybe twice a week is the norm. My kids are in 6th and 3rd grade, so it is a bit easier, but still difficult to be spontanous at times.

What an interesting question. Not one that most mom's would be brave enough to ask. :)
My husband and i have 2 small kids and we have our time a few nights a week. There was quite a lull in it for sometime after our 2nd child...mostly because i was exhausted and didnt want another thing to HAVE TO DO at night. It took a lot of long talks about what we wanted/expected/needed from eachother to stir it up...
Chances are your hubby is always in the mood. It becomes more of getting yourself in the mood when you have small kids. Take a few minutes after the kids go to bed, freshen up, brush your hair, teeth, wash your face (but refrain from putting on a face mask :)). for me that helps wash my cares away. :) I feel more like a grown up woman than a mother/cook/maid...
I also like to put on a little something under my "old lady" bathrobe and sit in the living room with hubby while watching T.V....
You really have to WORK at it. not so much the act itself, but the energy and desire to add it to the list, so to speak. BUT it truly is worth the effort!
Good luck!!!

I just read some of the other posts: I wanted to add-Dont think of it as scheduling sex. Think of it as scheduling time for yourself. Wheather you are initmate or not is up to you, but scheduling it sometimes can make it nicer because you can allow your self to enjoy the time just for the 2 of you.

reading some of these responses reminded me when my 2 1/2 yr old was a baby. We would literally rush into our room and jump into bed to get things going as soon as we knew she was down fora while. Its was literally quick lets do this before she wakes up! Now we laugh about it. Still we are lucky if its more than once week. If its gets to a week then one of us usually says something and we make sure we have sex that night or the next. Now its usually one of us is to tired or get to bed to late, he gets up about 4 am. Good luck!!

Hey, I'm too tired ;) to read all 29 posts....but I want to say, don't disregard "scheduling". It could be something to look forward to. You could take turns planning some aspect of it and surprising one another AND if it happens spontaneously after that, ENJOY!

My kids are 2 and 9, and he works until 11:30pm. We are going at about once every 2 weeks, but it sucks. We both want more, but are on opposite schedules most days, and we usually just veg out and watch tv when we are together. Going to bed at different times really hinders progress, you know? If you're already snuggling naked in bed, it's alot easier to get aroused than when you are watching tv. Good luck dear!

I have not read any other posts but just putting my opinion in. Scheduling sounds bad un-spontanious but could you use it as a build up to the event. talking to each other in the days before talk about what you are planning, ect. ?

And before getting prego with the 3rd my girls were 5 and 9 and things were back on track. So once the kids are a little more independant it should be all good.

I have a 7 and 11year old. With school, work, and our jobs my husband and I haven't had sex but once since last August. Count yourself blessed.

I don't have any good answers -- a big house would help, so they're not right down the hall all the time.

Just to let you know, it won't "never be the same" -- I'm expecting things to really pick up in a couple years here when our kids all leave home and we can finally do it spontaneously in the middle of the day and make some noise again!