2 Children Brought up in 2 Different House as Only Children

It will be awhile before the animosity your step daughter feels towards your son lessens (and maybe goes away).

It is a natural feeling and it does not only apply to step children. My oldest child is 7 years older than her twin siblings. She was effectively an only child before they came along and it affects how they interrelate.

4 years later it has decreased significantly, but there are still issues. My oldest has many chores while the 4 year olds are just starting to help out with them and have 1 or 2 of their own.

Regarding "fairness" of chores situation. Have a family meeting to discuss who does what chores. Let the kids pick (to a degree) which chores they want. Make a list of what chores you expect them to do and see how they split them up. Make a visual aid for them that shows who does which chores on which days with a place to mark if it has been done. Offer a reward (computer/video game time, allowance, special tv program time, movie, etc) for the comlpletion of their chores at the end of each week. Or a token system allows for them to earn a token for each chore completed and they can turn in tokens for rewards (allowance, movie, computer/video game time, etc). This should encourage your step daughter to participate and to feel things are being looked at a bit more fairly. Perhaps you can offer a equaling of things to help out. She earns two tokens per chore because she is older, or because she does more chores.

Sharing. Have a discussion with her one-on-one to determine what 5 or 10 items are most precious to her that she feels she absolutely should not have to share with your son (make sure you give your son this same option as well). Then explain that because you are all a family now, many things need to be shared, but that the 5 or 10 things you discussed will be hers alone to keep to herself. This gives her a sense of control over her things while encouraging her to share the majority of things in the family.

For the fact that your son idolizes and wants to spend time with her, while she shuns this...You can talk with both of them together and explain to her that you understand she did not have a brother before now that wanted her time and attention, but that your son sees her as this wonderful person to play with and learn from. Then explain to both of them that there is part of each day that is "me" time. This means that he cannot bother her no matter what, and vice versa so that they can do things on there own, but that for a half hour or an hour each day you would like them to do something together (a project, playing a game, playing outside, anything that promotes getting a long and being together). It will have to be forced and enforced at first, but once they start doing things and she sees that she gets time that doesn't include a "tag-a-long" you will see that it happens more and more naturally.

Including them in these discussions allows them to feel that their opinions and ideas matter to you (we see it when you write to us, but sometimes our families don't see it) and may help her to become more family oriented..

Good luck... ;-)

Hi S.,
I agree with what the first two posters have written. I also wanted to say that if you and your son moved in with your BF and his daughter, and it was originally their house, then she may be feeling as though her territory has been invaded and what was once her peaceful, tranquil sanctuary has become chaos. Also, I have a 9 year old and a 12 year old, and the 9 year old can do pretty much the same chores as the 12 year old. They both dust, vacuum, clean their bathroom and bedrooms and make their beds. They also occasionally unload the dishwasher and take out the trash. I have gotten them started on making their own lunches sometimes (although the 9 year old does make a mess!). I also have a 4 year old and I can tell you that even though none of them are 'steps' (I've been married to their dad 21 years), the older ones don't really enjoy sharing their stuff with the younger or with each other. I talk to them about sharing small things like stuffed animals, but I don't make them share their really prized possessions like ipods and nintendos. But we still have our fair share of arguments over sharing. Also, I believe 12-year-olds ALWAYS dislike their younger siblings. I can't believe sometimes how awful my oldest has become toward her younger sisters in the last year or so, when she used to be so sweet. I'm sure you know that exploding on her will do more harm than good--she will come to truly dislike YOU. It'll be really hard to make your relationship with your BF work if you have a bad relationship with his child. And try to remember that she is still a child who is probably on the verge of puberty (very hormonal!) and this is a lot for her to have to deal with. Lastly, I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do, you need to get your BF involved and on board, b/c his daughter isn't going to buy into anything you say unless her dad backs you up. If he doesn't want to get involved, it probably isn't even worth the effort. Good luck!

I think that if this has been going on for a year and 1/2 now, you all as a family need to find a licensed family counselor. You are too close to the situation to clearly see and/or recognize the various dynamics involved.

S.,
The previous posters gave you good advice, especially the need for a few sessions with a counselor on how to make these two tribes into one family.
Things we don't know that could affect the outcome: was there a wedding, is this permanent? If not, the girl may feel she just needs to make you miserable enough and you will all go away. Did you have predecessors in this role?
Is the girl's mom part of her life? Is the boy's dad? The children may both have conflicting loyalties which are affecting their attitudes.
What does your husband/boyfriend say about all of this? All of us are sensitive to our child's hurts but may be blind to the ones they cause.
AND........both kids may be acting out the stressors of their own doubts of their worth in the family. Even children who are biologically related have those doubts, in this situation, they are magnified. After you answer the above, consider giving each child alone time with each parent- girls day out for lunch and shopping for you and the girl, fishing for the boy and your husband and then you and your son can do an afternoon of mother and son things which you did before as can dad and daughter. Creating new bonds while strenghtening old ones will let the kids know it is not either/ or but both.
Good luck with this; it is really, really important to get everyone on board now. If you and he don't see it as permanent enough to get married, you have a whole different set of problems and should resolve those before you drag kids into it.
K.

Hi! I actually think the "only" child thing is a myth. My husband and I are both only children and neither of us has ever had any trouble sharing. In fact, most of the only children I know are the MOST willing to share because they are totally secure. That doesn't mean that they don't have trouble adjusting. I think it wouldn't matter if you had one child or three, moving to a new home, with a new family dynamic is tough. They will find a balance and a way to interact, and it may not be what you think is ideal, but it will work for them. Remember that just because you and your partner are in love, doesn't mean the kids are finding the relationship perfect, and they are struggling with the major life change of going from one on one to a family of four.

12 is a bad age for any little girl. She wants to be an all grown up teenager. Haveing a (what she thinks)pesty little brother, who really isn't her brother, makes things even worse for her. Have you discussed this with your husband? It seems to me that youall need to have a family conference to assure her that nobody has moved in on her territory to take her place. You may have to go to a family counselor. When you say "do things for themsselves", just exactly what do you mean? A 12 year old AND a 10 year old should be keeping their rooms straight, not being responsible for doing laundry, but certainly putting clothes, both clean and dirty, where they belong. They are both old enough to vaccum and dust, load and unload the dishwasher, set the table for meals, and even help prepare some of the simple things. They're both old enough to wash the car. Give them duties to do together and they'll learn to work as a team. Don't expect them to be "buddy-buddy" because she is just now entering a very difficult age and in a couple of years he will be there too. If they are not involved in after-school activities, I would suggest that they get involved in something, and each one go and cheer on the other one.