2 (Almost 3) Year Old with Too Much Independence

he is seeking autonomy & that is normal. I believe you have already hit on the solution! By embracing his independence, you will prevent these fits. You've already said it!

Prior to the dog walks, clearly state to him the rules for the walk. He walks the dog until it is potty time, & then it's your turn to walk the dog. This teaches him sharing & negotiating. Also clearly state the consequence if he does not abide peaceably by your rules....he loses his priviledge to walk the dog. If he throws a fit, then he does not get to go next time. It's truly as simple as that...he has to abide by what you say....to earn his independence.

The same would also apply to mealtimes. Clearly state to him what his jobs are, what your jobs are. Explain the safety issues. Explain what you expect....& the consequences.

I know this sounds like waaaay toooo much talking on your part. But if you make it a "family conference", then he will learn the mechanisms of family dynamics, what you expect, & the consequences. After a few rounds, he'll know you mean business! & as a heads-up, the "1-2-3" method works wonders!

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Sue said it great.. Remember your son still does not have his words to always tell you what he wants. He may not always really know what he wants and that can also be very frustrating.

You may think you always know, but sometimes, you may guess incorrectly.. Imagine how that would make you feel in these situations.

I agree it feels like lots of talking, but he will then learn the words he is missing right now.

With our daughter if I could give her 2 choices, it helped a whole lot distracting the tantrum coming on or avoiding it completely.

"I like the way you walk the dog." "Looks like he needs to potty, please help mommy? Hold my water bottle while I help doggy poop."
"While puppy poops, look around and tell us which way we walk next, back to the house, or towards the end of the block?"

Purchase some kid friendly kitchen tools. Give him tasks he can do from his high chair to help you.

"I cannot decide if we will have cut up fruit for a snack or peanut butter sandwich? "
"Here is your knife to cut up the bananas" "here is your knife to spread the peanut butter. " "Would you please make me one too?"

"Please take all of the grapes off of the stem and put the grapes in this bowl" "I just washed this apple, will you please dry it with this paper towel? ".

A helper is right there at your disposal. Work him.. Hee, hee.." Find all of the socks in this laundry basket. Which ones match? "

"Are these dads underwear or your underwear?"
"Here is moms laundry basket, dads laundry basket and your laundry basket. Where dose this giant t-shirt go? "

"Please hold the door open while I take out the trash."

"We are going to the grocery store, what will you take for a snack? What do you want in your sippy cup. We do not buy treats at the store."

"Please hold my list (not the real list) and help me remember we want green apples, milk and dog food today at the store."

I am sending you strength and patience.. .

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My very, very verbal 2.5 year old does the same thing. If I do anything, she has to repeat it by herself.

It will pass.

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Let him help you in the kitchen, with age-appropriate tasks and tools.

Teach him how/why you need to stop to let the dog do its business.

Empathize with him when he is frustrated or tantrums, and articulate to him what you think he might be feeling frustrated about so that he can start learning the vocabulary to do so himself.

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Normal. I would prevent the melt downs before they happen. Say when your on the walk just tell him that he either needs to stop and let the dog potty or he needs to give you the leash and then let him choose. For dinners, I would give him a choice too. Let him decide if he wants to get the item or carry it to the table. This helps him make decisions, but keeps you in control as you control want he gets to pick. Just make sure that you can live with what he decides. LOL. If he insists on doing everything, give him the choice of choosing between the two or going to his room or time out , whatever you normally do. this way he chooses to cooperate or he gets to sit in time out. hope this helps... As he gets older, you get more and more creative. My son is four and he wanted a pillow pet today. We told him no and as a 4 year old will do he started to pout. I squatted down to his level and I explained that we had gotten him a wii game in the store before and if he wanted that pillow pet, then we could go and return the game we bought and use that money to buy the pillow pet. i asked him if he wanted the game or the pilow pet and he looked straight at me and said I think I can wait for Christmas to get my pillow pet, Mom and he gave me a thumbs up!! He is learning how to make decisions and if he chooses badly, I let him live with the consequences. So had he chosen the pillow pet, I would have done so. I would rather them learn at this young age rather than as an adult since consequences are harder to handle then when you make a bad choice!!!

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I agree with cdm2kk response about choices but just wanted to add the importance of communication: ie. explaining things to him. From your post I understand he has some delays but understands you but I'm not sure if you are fully communicating why things are the way they are. IE. walking the dog. Do you tell him before the walk that the walk is for the dog so it can exercise and go to the bathroom and it is important for the dog so we have to watch for signs of when it needs to go .... and then describe those signs? Might give him something to watch for and when you see the signs yourself point it out to him, etc. And when the time comes give him the choices (only 2).

But the tantrums and frustrations he is showing is very normal for a toddler and I suspect his might be a little more than most because he has to be frustrated since he can't communicate to the level he is thinking.

Oh .. and just to comment to J.L.'s post. Her son is almost 3 and I see nothing wrong with allowing him to walk a small dog or help cook. If my dogs were smaller my daughter would walk them and she has been cooking with us forever. By 2 1/2 she was cooking her own scramble eggs by herself on the stove. Of course we were right next to her and we absolutely made sure she understood the dangers of the stove, but I wasn't concern since as a baby she understood that things were hot and never attempted to touch a hot stove or oven. And before that she helped bake and this is a wonderful way for them to figure out math. She is 4 now and knows how to measure everything out. There are so many ways for them to learn outside the educational games and gadgets and are very beneficial to them in the long run.

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For the most part he sounds perfectly normal to me...I would just continue with giving him lots of things to help with, it's part of the age, they always want to do it.... "I do it" as my 2.5 yr old daughter would say:)

As far as the tantrums are concerned, just stick with it, if time-outs is the route your going, do it every time he throws a fit!

Gadda love the terrible 2's!

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This is just a part of being 2(and 3 for that matter!). Let him take the lead when possible and give him choices as often as you can, but stand your ground on things he is too young to do. Just keep doing what your doing and console him when he cries. You will both get past this and on to another issue soon enough. Good luck !!

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Your sons world has just been turned upside down. Give him a little slack. But, as far a s the dog walking, talk to him before you head out. Tell him that he can hold the leash until it is time for the dog to go potty and then it is Mommy's turn. He needs to share with Mommy so the dog can be taken care of. When the dog is done with her business, give him back the leash.

As far as food, give him choices about what to eat. Let him know it is Mommy's job to get it for him. Praise his independence and let him get his drink or something.

It is all about control at this point in his little life. He feels he has none so your job is to make him think he does. Giving his choice in food, the dog, will make his little world more stable to him. This will pass and you are doing a great job!

As many have said this is all part of being a toddler/preschooler. It also sounds like the meltdowns are from frustration.
My best suggestion is patience, and understanding. If you know something is going to set him off, try to head it off before that happens. Give him choices. Also know that as his communication skills get better, so will the meltdowns. As a parent of a child w/delayed communication skills, I can tell you it does get better-it just takes time.

Grandma here..... he has been evaluated for ECI and has been followed/monitored for almost 18 months. K. is waiting for the next step, which would be to transition him to the school programs if he qualifies. His case worker has forwarded his information to the school district for the next step, whenever that may end up happening.

His speech has improved greatly in the last 6 months or so, and frequently speaks in 3 and 4 word sentences. It is just frustrating to try to figure out what he is so upset about sometimes.

This is the age where the "My do it" begins to develop. One thing to consider is giving him a set of specific activities that are his responsibility and that he can do all on his own. Maybe certain chores, maybe fun things. The key is that these things are always just for him to do by himself. One little thing our daughter enjoys is being the one to open and or close the door when we go outside. It may seem minor to us but it's something she can do all on her own. She also likes to take non breakable dishes and set them in the sink when she's finished eating. We put powdered probiotics in her milk. We measure it out but let her pour it in and stir it. We still have the occasional disgruntle over things she wants to do " all by myself" but sometimes she needs the assistance.

Ask the babysitter how she is handling these issues. If he is doing this with you, he is also doing it with her. Children are very routine. Second, maybe going to his room is too much. Possibly try a time-out. One minute per his years of age is appropriate. Also time-out needs to be immediate, a two or three year old does not have the capacity to retain what they have done wrong twenty or so minutes earlier. Whatever discipline you use, do it with love and patience. If you are away from you more, he esspecially needs you in a loving way. Everyday will be different, and each day is a new teaching moment. Best of luck, and hug him lots.

Both my boys have always been independent (now 5 & 9 mos). We learned with the older one to let him try what he can without arguing with him about it, and when he got to something he was struggling with or couldn't really do himself, we would give him 2 options. Usually if it was something he really couldn't do himself yet, it was: we do it or you don't get it- your choice. Otherwise he could choose between 2 outfits to dress himself in, 2 different snacks, etc. He made the decision & learned the consequences.
Like someone else said, explanations go a long way, no matter how young. We started from the beginning with both boys if they were doing something we didn't like, we would explain why they couldn't do it and give them an alternative. It's amazing how much they understand. Already the 9mo will start to pick up paper or some other unsuitable item to put in his mouth, then look at it for a minute & pick up his binky or one of his toys instead. Sure, we still have to correct him sometimes, but he's already learning.

Another thought.. the tantrums could be trying to get your attention & be sure you still care & love him. Changes such as moving from your in-laws house, you starting school, him starting with a babysitter all in such a short time make a HUGE impact on a little guy. (Congrats on being able to move out on your own & go back to school!) When my oldest was about your son's age, we moved out of my inlaws' house into a rental, then shortly after I shattered my leg and was on bedrest for about 6 weeks, my hubby started working overnight to make ends meet with the med bills, my sis started coming to watch him... it was a lot at once and we had some behavior issues with him, but they eventually worked themselves out. Little guys think about these changes differently than we do, and he may be wondering if you're going to leave him the way you did your parents, why's mommy not here any more? etc so he's testing boundaries to see if you really do love him enough to deal with it & set boundaries. We were just firm on our boundaries & made sure to give him lots of love and attention to reassure him. He went right back to his normally well-behaved, independent self within a couple of weeks.

I think some of what you are seeing is typical toddler behavior but am wondering if his communication delays are also a source of frustration for him. Are you working with a speech therapist to help him communicate more effectively with you. He's almost old enough to get services through your school district -- early childhood preschool, speech therapy, self-helf skills if needed. Have you spoken with anyone about the process of getting him evaluated by the school district and forming an educational plan (basically whatever skills he needs to acquire in order to be successful in school by the time he begins kindergarten)?

There are a lot of good books on amazon.com that you can check out to help him with his communication delay and manage the behaviors that are pretty much part and parcel of of having a speech delay. There's a book called (I think) A Treasure Box of Behavioral Interventions that you may want to see if they carry at you local library to see if you can get some strategies that will work for you and your son.

Hope this helps.

It is a tough age. Try giving him two choices so he feels in control BUT make the two options both okay with you. Maybe when it is time for the dog to pee, ask Gavin if he wants YOU to hold the leash or if he wants to hold it with you while you still hold it. That way HE makes a choice, but you can still control what limits you want to set or the options he gets. Hang in there.