1St Time House Wife

O boy! The life of laying on the couch eating bon bons! NOT. I've been a stay at home mom since I married over 20 years ago. For one, you are now the "go to" person. Every thing that needs fixing from cars to toilets, every child's doctor appointment or session with your kids teacher, every errand, every delivery, every child "crisis" and discipline, your in-laws doctor’s appointments (including any time they’d like to just visit) every meal and every bit of house work is now your responsibility. After all, you don’t work. You have all the time in the world, with “nothing” what so ever to do. And if you ever complain about doing any of the above, other “hard working” souls will let you know what an ungrateful and certainly less noble than themselves a person you are. Hey, I know that it’s been a privilege to have the option to stay at home all these years and take care of my kids. But it has its down side like everything else. Some of which are the attitudes of others you may have to endure. The key is to take care of yourself and not take on too much additional stress. Taking care of a baby is a full time job that makes going to work look like a cake walk. Go to school only if it’s de-stressor to get away for a while. I joined a gym because it was the only place I could get daily baby sitting. I even went on days that I was sick and just sat around. It was the only rest I got on those days. As far as schedules go, one of the real perks of this “job” is the flexibility. You get to decide when you feel up to doing what you have to do. Put something fun in your day and do find a way to take an hour or so a day just for yourself. It is a 24 hour a day job and taking a break is essential. The best of Luck to you and laugh when it hurts.

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I completely understand what you are saying. I used to have a pretty demanding job and gave it up just before my 2nd child was born because it was not family friendly. Little did I know that being a SAHM was way more difficult and you don't get annual raises and bonuses (what's up with that?). Anyway, I would recommend that you join one of our local mom's clubs and get involved in some of their activities. Once your daughter gets a little older, you'll want to join a playgroup and between the mom group activities and the weekly playdates, hopefully you will be able to develop some supportive friendships to help you tranisition into this new area of your life.

As for housework and getting things done, take some time to write a list of things you would like to accomplish each day or each week and form some kind of loose schedule that will help you feel as if you are getting things done. Something that has worked for me is setting the timer for an hour each day and spend that time speed cleaning the designated room of the day. Make sure you schedule time for you to workout, read, talk with friends each day and, if you haven't already, start delegating responsibilities to your older children so that your family is a community effort and you don't start feeling as if you are everyone's handmaid.

Good luck on this new pursuit.

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You're right, it's a LOT more work to be at home full time than to go to an outside job.

Just remember, it's OK to occasionally do nothing. You can nap, read, watch TV or something without being lazy or a bad person. That's the hardest transition I've seen people have. At work, we're expected to be productive all the time. We're also expected to have a measurable output. It is impossible to be productive 24 hours a day. You will burn out in a big way trying. Trying to measure what you've done will make you crazy, too. Sometimes all you'll really be able to "do" is keep the baby happy and healthy. Most of your tasks - cooking, laundry, cleaning, checking homework, driving kids - will need done again virtually as soon as you finish doing them. They will never be "done." Realizing that will keep you from going crazy because you have "nothing to show" for how hard you're working.

Also, make sure you don't let ANYBODY make you feel inferior because you aren't employed!!!!! You are doing valuable work for your family, and therefore for society. Worth is not measured in a paycheck.

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A lot of women have this anxiety. I've looked forward to being a stay at home mom, but in part this is because I have passions outside of my career. I paint, and love to cook, and fiddle with photo and video on my computer. In other words, have some hobbies. Hobbies that aren't time and money waisters but that also benefit your family. I sell my paintings as a suplimental income, my cooking is enjoyed by all, and the photos and video are also enjoyed by all. Think of it this way, just the fact that your husband wants you home says he is probably missing something. Perhaps he craves home cooking, a less stressed out wife, and more family time. This can be a very good thing. I suggest you find ways to get into it instead of fear it. I worked for 7 years and am loving every minute of my house wife life. Don't buy into the lie that women can only derive fulfilment from career life. This is mostly true for men, but I think if more of us were being honest with ourselves, we would see that family life (relationships) are where we women find our fulfilment.

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Yes, it's a doozy... but do-able.
Sit down with your Hubby and make sure you are both on the same page... that "staying home" is not a cake-walk, nor a "vacation." Make sure he is "expecting" things from you that are reasonable... some hubby's think just because the wife is home, that everything will be like "martha stewart" everyday. No, it's not.

And, if you go to school... it will be busier.

So, you have to BOTH, get straight about it, the expectations for EACH spouse, and HOW things will be managed if you go to school. And what each Spouse will be DOING, DAILY to manage the home and kids....and the pet.

Your Hubby, yes, he will be the bread-winner...but once home, it's not a "vacation" for him either.. he STILL has to participate and help. Make clear you both understand this... or you will be too stressed out, and it won't be "fair" for you to be doing these things, 24/7.

I am a SAHM, my Hubby works AND goes to school. He's busy. But, anytime he is home and has time, he helps. At certain times, like dinner, or bathing the kids or before they go to bed... I tell him I expect him to come and give face-time or "play" time to the kids. Unless he is under extreme deadlines or exams... I don't ask for the world. I know he is busy and school is important. AND, when I need a break or need to get away... I tell him... giving him a head's up, and not at the last moment or the last string of patience I have left.

It just all has to be fair... and do-able for BOTH.

Make a schedule and have a routine for yourself everyday.. .for the house chores & errands, for the kids, for cooking, for cleaning, for YOUR time to just do nothing, for appointments, etc. What helps me is having a daily time-line and routine... which my kids BY NOW, know like the back of their hand... and so this helps. AND my kids both NAP... then it's "me" time. Like now. I do not stray from naps. It is a daily routine. This works well for me and the kids.

There are SO many tips and ideas... so make it work. But yes, it's also overwhelming. Don't worry... all Moms go through this. When you are just too stressed... do nothing. Just stop. Just drop the chores and sit down and veg. It's OKAY. ALSO, tell your Hubby... you must BOTH be open and amicable about it, and so that everything won't just pile up on one Spouse.
BOTH spouses HAS TO participate in the household, the kids, the daily obligations. Not just you, just because you are the "house-wife." And especially if you will be going back to school... that is a lot of things to have on your plate. Your Hubby will HAVE to give you time to study... which means, HE will have to handle the children and household when you are studying or away for class.

AND, you will need to have YOUR own time to just get away and have "alone" time too. Make sure your Hubby understands this... a SAHM is not synonymous will "24/7 maid service"... nor is she a 24-hour entertainer or "pleaser" for EVERYONE in the house... PLUS also having to please Hubby and make sure that your own time or closeness as a COUPLE does not get lost in the shuffle. THIS is what a SAHM does too.

For me, when I am just too tired/burnt out/overwhelmed... I just tell my Hubby with a "smile" on my face... "Darling, I'm not doing anything today, no cleaning, no rushing around, no chores.... I need a break." And he immediately "knows" this is my NEED to do it, and be okay. And yes, it's okay. No need to be a "perfect" house-wife... just do your best, and what is manageable.

Just ask your Hubby, what are HIS expectations, with you being home? Discuss it. Get on the same page. Be FAIR about it. Always communicate about it. That is the best advice I can give.

Well all the best, you'll get lots of tips here.
~Susan

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Here is a copy of a funny joke that went around the internet awhile back...it pretty much sums it up. Hilarious!

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding
into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried
she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been
smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all
day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Hi D., I too left my profession to be a SAHM for 8 years and it was quite an adjustment. Adn ngoing back to work part-time was a dream-come true. If I could do it again, I would work part-time and not completely leave the world of adults, especially if you love the type of work you do. If you don't love your job, then school is a GREAT option. Good luck! A :)

Hi D.,

Not sure if you'd be interested or not, but my husband and I own our own business. We teach families how to make and save money. We are always looking for sharp motivated people who keep their options open. If you're interested in making some extra money part-time (on the side while staying at home), feel free to give me a call. My cell number is ###-###-####. L.

D.,

Although the change of scene will be something new for you.

I suggest that no matter how you arrange your days with home, be sure to treat yourself to an outting 1x a week or every 2 weeks, this way you don't feel unappreciated and believe me it will keep your sanity going.

C.

Hello,
I was at home for 1 year after my baby and I recently went back to work. My hubby gave me a choice of staying home or going back to work. I did the last. I regret it so much.
Every day I wished I could quit and stay home. Finances were on my mind too that's why I choose to go back. But, you know I say enjoy every moment you have this year and if finances are really thight find another job later. No amount of money can replace the time you'll spend with your kids. Yeah, I know being a stay home mom is harder that working. But, just try to figure out a schedule. What I did was divide the house chores through out the week. I would take the kids to school in the morning and then go straight to the grocery or to pay bills while my baby was asleep in her car seat. I would was on Mondays. I wouldn't do any chores on the weekend. I would also come up with a menu for the whole week so that I wouldn't wonder what to cook at the last minute. Just make sure you take your list to the store....And lastly enjoy your time with the kids.... There only little for a few years then when they grow they won't need us.....

P.S. Hope this helps
I'm a mother of 3. 9yrs, 5yrs, and 11months...oh and a dog!

Congratulations on your new job. Being a SAHM can be rewarding if you let it. Once you can relax and get a grasp on your new position, you'll find a routine that fits you and your family and the things that seemed overwhelming will no longer seem so crazy. I don't think you have to worry about being bored either. 4 kids spread out like that will keep you busy for sure. Just make sure you do some things for you too. It can be easy to get lost in your kids lives and activities and forget that it's okay to have your own hobbies and activities.

I totally agree with Susan's last comment also "Just ask your Hubby, what are HIS expectations, with you being home? Discuss it. Get on the same page. Be FAIR about it. Always communicate about it"

Depending on where you are and what you enjoy doing, there are many options out there to get out of the house while entertaining your kids. IKEA has a play area where you can leave your 5 year old and you and the baby can look around, Java Mama (there are a few different ones around SD area)is a coffee house and has a play area for kids as well as a variety of classes for children and parents, YMCA's & Salvation Army recreation facilities have tons of classes for the family...and some even have free daycare for up to 2 hours so that mom can take a class or workout. There are free days at museums, farmers markets, parks, play dates, libraries, book store story time, mom groups, getting involved in the community...so many options to take advantage of.

I wish you all the best. Enjoy!!!

I would try to schedule time for yourself daily. Flylady.net is a good site to help manage housework and mealplanning. Enjoy the time with your children.

I went through quite an adjustment when I opted to stay home. And since I was in the mortgage banking industry - I now have little choice but to stay home! It took me a long time to realize my day consisted of "only" kids, cleaning, laundry and errands. But you do fill the days with this stuff and I learned to embrace the time with my kids knowing one day I will be back to work and when they're older they may not even want me around to play games and color (they're little - 5 & 2 1/2). I also really enjoy being able to keep up with the chores and not having that all limited to Saturday. Most days I don't even want to go back, I like the freddom of deciding what I will do each day, even though I have the kids my time is really my own to do with what we want. It is a 24/7 job and sometimes I lose it - but try and enjoy it, work is work..family is your core.

Laughing, sorry welcome to the world of full time moms, wifes, teachers, nurses, maids, cooks, bankers, and the list goes on, give it time you fill find your place, spend time for you also.. once a week get out of house..

No doubt about it, going to a real job would be much easier than running a house for 6! I don't mean to scare you, but your days will be full. That being said, nothing is more rewarding than when you are there for your kids when something happens and you can help - a bully at school, a bad hair day for your daughter, a forgotten lunch or a missed bus, bumps and bruises, the occassional hug or the even more rare "thanks mom". If you were going stir crazy over those 5 months, my advice is make it a priority to "get out" every single day. Take a walk, go to the park, arrange play dates, lunch dates, do some volunteer work, but get out of the house. Your kids will be much happier and so will you. Good luck to you and remember, they're only little for a very short time and if we do our job right, they won't "need" us for very long before they are on their own.
Enjoy the moment.

I've been a SAHM for the last 8 years. My kids are 11, 6 and 21 months. I love being home. One thing that has been good for me is to find a play group. If your 5 year old is in school, find a play group for your 5 month old. It will mostly be for you for now, but it's nice to be able to share with other women similar experiences, and your child will end up with long term playmates. If you are in San Diego, Scripps has Parent Connection. There are also classes through San Diego City college and Grossmont Union High School District Adult Education that offers Mommy and Me type classes for pretty inexpensive or free. It's important not to lose yourself. Being mom 24/7 is a hard job. Find a hobby or spend time with friends on a regular basis. I joined a book club last year and it's been great. It gives me an opportunity to spend time away doing "mommy" things. And, I've actually read books that I would have never thought of reading. Being a SAHM is scary at first, but after awhile, the time seems to fill up. You'll get into a routine. I wish you all the best!

Ooh Girl, I feel your pain! :) I became a stay home mom when my husband started working for the fire dept. He works 24 hour shifts, so my staying home was the best choice for us. He can get called out and be gone up to 21 days, so any job I had would never be able to work with that! I think the thing that was hardest for me was that when my husband comes home he really leaves work...if you work at home you dont ever leave "the office". Just communicate with your husband when you need a break and make sure he understands how you feel. My husband is VERY active in our kids' lives and can easily pick up where I leave off. I really think that is the only way this works is to have a daddy that does everything you can do. I would also suggest making sure that you dont fall into staying in your sweats, not doing your hair/makeup, etc. The fact that your husband will appreciate coming home to his beautiful wife is second to how it will make YOU feel. It is so tempting to let yourself go when you dont have to be anywhere, but try not to! Hopefully your older kids can take on some responsibility - even though you are home, you will be very busy; in fact you will be busier than you were when you were working! (As you already know from being off when the baby was born!) You can do this, and it will be the best thing you have ever done. Raising your kids is the toughest but most rewarding job in the world, and you are the best one for the job. Hang in there!

Check out www.flylady.net. Sign up for her daily emails. She is a godsend and a huge help for everything you have described. Good luck!

You really have to set up a schedule and stick to it. But know that it will be interrupted. I am a stay at home mom and it took me a while to get this. You have to set times to do things and stick to it. For example, while my husband is at work I can clean the house when my schedule allows. When he gets home, no more choirs except dishes. I feel like cleaning the house is my "job" so it starts and ends when he does. That said you also have to take care of your kids and yourself. So you aren't going to get as much done around the house as you'd like but even if you do one thing it's still one thing. I also give myself a lunch break. That is not at lunch time (I still work then feeding everyone). My lunch break is right after lunch when I put my boys down for a nap. I have one hour to relax, I watch TV or read or scrapbook, sometimes even take a nap. Then I can get some serious work done while my boys are still sleeping and I feel rested. Sometimes my older son doesn't want to take a nap which is fine but I still tell him it's quiet time and he has to stay on his bed and read or play quietly. This works for me. You'll have to make your own schedule and stick to it. If you don't you won't get anything done. Treat it like a job. You have deadlines at a job make them for yourself. Ex. All the bathrooms will be clean by Wednesday. Just remember everything will be interrupted, just go with it.

Welcome to the real world. Working full time is ten times easier than staying home full time as a mom.
The key is balance. Time for you might be easier to accomplish now. learn to love the differences in your kids and staying home and watching them grow will be as interesting as an outside job.

I truly don't understand any of the comments.....who did the housework before you left your job? Who helped the kids with homework and activities?

My advise is to learn to enjoy the small things in life! (Or big, depending on your point of view!) Those kids need you, give them all you've got as a person. Be the best mom you can be, it's a very rewarding "job".

Now you can make crafts, and bake and go to their activities! Enjoy every minute!!
A.

Hi D.,
It doesn't sound like you are sold on the idea of staying home. I'm a working mom and, as an employment specialist, see people all the time who stay home and then want to get back into the workforce.
If you do stay home, do something to keep your skills up whether it's going to school (one class at a time is not expensive and it's doable) or volunteering. Not that moms don't have skills! Believe me, I have moms put "Manager" on their resume all the time. I have a great job description for it if you want! If you plan on going back to work at all, ever, as most moms eventually do, you'll need those skills (especially on the computer)!
There's also the option of working at the college while attending classes. There are on campus positions that you can do a few hours per week. As far as family-friendly or school-friendly places to work, there's nothing better than a community college or university as a student worker.
I have to say, I understand the basic need to stay home with the kids. I agree that if you do stay home, you and your husband need to be on the same page as far as duties, but also finances. What would you be giving up by not bringing in that income?
One other comment, keep your eyes on the job market, even if you do stay home. If that perfect job comes up, perhaps you will want to consider it. And keep up with your work-world network contacts. You'll need them down the road if you are going back to work.
Good luck with your decision!
We're all here to support you through your transition!
S.