19 Yr Old Daughter Wants to Live with Boyfriend for Summer

I think you need to stick with your instincts, Dad. She hasn't earned the privilege of taking the car for anything other than what it's intended for. She's not nearly adult enough or mature enough to "live with" her boyfriend who is still just a child himself. Your job is still to parent her, not to be her buddy, even if her birth certificate says she's legally an adult. She's not an adult until she's independent and living on her own.

I say stand your ground and let her visit per your established rules since she lives with you and is completely dependent on you financially and for college. If she can't follow the rules then you may have to consider revoking some privileges and let her figure some things out on her own (like transportation and how to pay for her own personal items ie. making her get a job).

EDIT: She wouldn't be behaving like an adult in "moving in" with her boyfriend. He's a high school senior, not a college senior, living with his mother. That's a major detail that affected my response. This is essentially a boy-child and his mommy, not an adult woman living with her adult male companion. She's not making adult decisions just because a piece of paper says she's an adult. Until she's actually living on her own and supporting herself she's really not an adult. She's living an extended childhood. This isn't old school versus new school.

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She is 19. You can't forbid her or stop her. And my guess is that with your blessing or not, that car has probably made a few trips to Virginia Beach unbeknownst to you. I moved in with my boyfriend (who 18 years later I am still married to) at 19. Our parents both explained their reservations and concerns. They all let us know they were not thrilled or pleased with the idea, but resigned themselves to the fact that they couldn't stop it. They also made it clear that their ground rules were non negotiable. They would continue to help pay for our college (his parents paid all of his college and my parents paid what they could) as long as we were passing each semester. They also agreed to pay for car insurance. Anything else was up to us. If we wanted to live together, we needed to find a way to make it work financially. You just have to decide what the ground rules are going to be. And you have to prepare yourself for the fact that she may leave with or without the car. It's a slippery slope...because you risk alienating her. Don't compromise your beliefs, but choose your words carefully.

BTW I have built a life with my "boyfriend", but I am still a strong and independent woman. We both graduated college and we both managed careers.

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If this was my daughter this is what I would say;

"The car is in my name, I pay for the car payment and usually the insurance payment so the car stays here. You may use it here and for the specific reason it was bought, safe travel to and from school and maybe a local job here."

We are conservative and living together, to us, is a no no before marriage. Now you said boyfriend still lives with mom, so a visit here and there is fine if I trust the other parent. This is what I would tell me daughter "You have not shown me the work ethic at school or at a job for me to feel comfortale with you living under someone else's roof for the summer. Maybe at the end of summer if you show you are responsible and work hard you can spend a week or two out there. For now you live under my roof, I pay your bills, if you pay all your bills then you can visit out there longer." Now she is an adult so by law she can do as she pleases BUT you are still her parent and she does need guidance.

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Ask her what she wants to be... a kid or adult. Adults move in with each other and enjoy that freedom, yet they also pay for their own cars, rent, food, etc. Kids don't move in with their significant others yet have their parents pay for them. Tell her you're comfortable with whatever choice she makes, but she can't have both.

I would also explain why her request makes you uncomfortable and that you wish she wouldn't have put you in it. You'd be surprised what people will accept if they are spoken to reasonably and calmly.

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You are completely doing the right thing! Don't let her use the car while she is living with her boyfriend. She is too young! You can't keep her from living with him but there are certain things that you can control. And letting her use the car is one of those things. Also if you are really against this living with her BF thing, cut the $ help! It's harsh but I think it is worth it! Good luck :)

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Please hold firm on this, dad. She is not showing you ANY behavior that proves that she is moving towards independence of any kind. She isn't living up to her agreements with you, plus, her grades are mediocre at best.

Tell her no. Tell her that over the coming year, if you don't see a change in her attitude, that she will no longer have the Prius. If you don't do this, she will NEVER be that independent woman you want her to be.

YOU are the man supporting her and she is doing nothing to support herself. You buy her toiletries? Why? Expect her to get a job on campus, dad. She has too much free time on her hands and doesn't manage her study time. When a student has a part-time job, (10 hours a week, for instance), they make better grades in school because they manage their time well. She also would learn to manage her finances.

If she doesn't have to DO anything to earn this college opportunity, she will never appreciate it. My own son got a lot of scholarship money to go to college. He also gets $5500 loan per year from the government (we don't qualify for financial aid.) This loan starts accruing interest as soon as he takes the money. My son has to pay this back instead of us if he doesn't make good grades. Every single semester, his grades MUST be at a certain level or he is on the hook for that money. And he understands compounding interest. At the end of each semester, half that amount will be forgiven (ie, we'll pay it) OR he will either owe it at the end of college or have to work over the summers to pay it off. If he has to use his summer earnings to pay off the loans, he won't have that to use for discretionary funds. He will only get a stipend every month from us, so dating and extras have to come out of his summer work money.

Outside of his scholarship and loan money, his dad and I are paying a lot because this is a small private college. It is not too much to ask this kid to be responsible enough to make good grades and live within modest means. He knows this, and I will NOT budge no matter what, dad. You need to treat your daughter as if she were a boy, instead of letting her act like a princess. A boy has to grow up and be a man, and that means learning to think like someone who provides for himself. Make her do that too.

Good luck,
D.

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why not talk to the boyfriend and his parents, see if they are willing to pay for the car, insurance, cell, etc plus find her a job. guess what the answer would be? lol. case closed.

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You are. Sometimes children of any age need to hear the word no! She won't like it, but it's not a parent's job to make a child happy.

This is not at all unusual with college freshmen. They're often still struggling with being away from home and all that entails.

That being said, however, you know that it's not the prospect of a job in Virginia Beach that is attracting her there! And since she's having quite a lot of trouble being mature at college (i.e., grades), you can't expect much better of her this summer.

Some people just take longer to attain that maturity (I was one of those). Your daughter is still very much a dependent on your tax return. You can call the shots. Your shots sound like good ones.

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I think you are on target. I think you set the expectation that if she moves in with the Boyfriend, the financial assistance ends. If she chooses to move in with BF, then I would leave the door open for her to come back home and get help going to school if things don't work. She is young and doesn't see how selfish she is being right now. If she wants to live like an adult, she needs to be prepared to take on ALL the responsibilities of an adult.

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Since you are footing the bill for college and car I believe you still have the right to treat her as you would a minor child, she is still you dependent. I think you are doing the right thing, more young ladies need a strong father figure like you. You are giving her enough rope as it is, a little more would very possibly hang her. Living for the summer with b/f could definitely make you a grandfather and change your daughters immediate future. I doubt you could live with yourself if that happened at this particular juncture.
I say if she wants to go stay with b/f for the summer she can go without the car and without you financing her stay. She thinks she's going to get a summer job? In this economy, really? Spending the summer with b/f wont have time for employment in that equation if you ask me.
She's living a little rich girls dream, one that would be envied by many.
If she's a mature and serious woman you might reconsider. My fear is that it would be a summer of folly with a paycheck from Dad and a ticket to do whatever. If you feel she would make wise decisions let her do as she pleases. If you feel she's still a little girl (and you always will to some extent), I'd hold the reigns a little longer while you still can. I believe she would thank you later.
B/F of 5 years might do better if he asked her to marry him instead of playing house for the summer, don't you think?

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I haven't read the other responses so if I repeat what others have said, I apologize. I just wanted to put in my two cents so to speak since I have a 19 year old daughter as well who chose to live with her boyfriend. Prior to that she had wrecked her car that we had purchased for her. She moved to another city to live with her father to attend college. A little time went by and we bought a used cheap but reliable car for her but her attitude and behavior had started to go south. I refused to just then hand her the car due to her being disrespectful and having the sense of entitlement. I offered to sell it to her (at a very low monthly fee) but she then refused because it wasn't good enough for her. So she got her grandfather to cosign for her and got her a car that she is paying for on her own now. She then moved back to where I am but chose to move in with her boyfriend againist my wishes. But she was 18 at the time so what could I do? Not much but one thing I did do is back off on supporting her financially on anything. She is still on my insurance so she is covered there and I will help her with money but she has to work for it. She will from time to time come to my house and clean it for me to earn extra money. I've told her that if she wanted to be an adult then she needs to handle everything that an adult has to do. She can't have it both ways. So far it's working out pretty well. She currently holds down two jobs and is taking some college classes. She is paying her own way on everything including college. I told her that I would help more if she was under my roof but this is what she chose. Now don't get me wrong, if she really needs my help and she is doing everything she can herself, I don't mind helping but I am not just going to hand it over to someone who doesn't help themselves. If your daughter wants to play like an adult then let her go but without the car. Unless she starts to pay for it. Draw up a contract with her. If she misses a payment or two, you have every right to get the car back. Period. In the long run she will thank you for doing that. You will be teaching her what the real world is like. Nothing is just handed to you. In my opionion you are doing the right thing. It's not easy but you will do more harm than good by allowing her to use you like that. I wish my daughter would have gone a different route but she is doing well and I am proud of that. She is starting to see however how much harder it is doing it this way than if she would have just stayed here. But it's her life. Good luck!

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Okay Dad!!!

As long as she is arguing with you over this - she feels she will win. If you said no and no means no - there shouldn't be any more argument over this. PERIOD - end of story.

While it's great that she has a BF - the fact remains is that she is doing something you morally don't agree with. She's 19 now, she's a legal adult...if she wants to live with her BF for the summer - great - but she will receive NO FINANCIAL assistance from you....no cell, no car, NOTHING...the car is for college travel only and living with BF is NOT college travel.

The first year of college is always the hardest - adjustments, etc. so this next year - her grades should improve - if they do not - tell her she has a semester to improve them - or all financial assistance will stop from you.

Bottom line? NO MEANS NO... You EXPECT her to have morals and values and living with her BF is NOT the morals and values you expect her to have...great - they've been together for five year - yippee...explain to her that you had dreams and aspirations for her and this is not what you saw for her in her life.....if she wants to do adult things - she needs to be an adult and start earning her own way through life....this is the hard part Dad...it really is...NO MEANS NO!

GOOD LUCK!!

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Hum, when my daughter turned 16 I bought her a car. It is her car even though I am on the title and I have attached no strings. Then again I didn't buy a car I was going to have to finance, that would be silly. She does have to insure the car and I tend to pay for that during the school year and she catches up over the summer.

So I guess I am looking at this as you are attaching strings and I don't think that is right. Ignoring whether I agree or disagree with the boyfriend thing I disagree with using the car to have your way.

You need to be prepared that she will say keep the damn car and you will lose the level of communication you had with her before.

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My boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together into our own apartment after we were officially engaged and after he graduated collage (and he already had a job through his internship).
He wanted to work a full year after collage before we married so that was our engagement period.
I had graduated collage several years before he did and I'd been in an apartment and working in my field of expertise for 3 years.
I made it clear I would not be living with any man unless we were engaged and had a firm date for the wedding.
Your daughter is still dependent on you and she needs to get her college/career plans straightened out.
I like your plan of her living with you and working and visiting her boyfriend when work permits (and free flying is fantastic so she might as well use it).
She needs to start earning money and begin to cover more of her expenses.
The drive between the DC beltway and Richmond is particularly insane and the back ups with the summer tourist traffic at the tunnels to Va Beach can have you sitting in it for hours.
If it's true love, the boyfriend will still be there when college is finished.
They've both got some growing up to do yet.

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You asked her to do what she needs to do to keep "her" car. It is now her choice. She is 19 and if she really wanted to live with BF, she will have to find a job and pay for her own transportation.. (car payment or ride a bike).
Pay for her cell phone.. etc..

I think IF, she had come to you with a REAL plan to take responsibility to live with her BF, it would have been very different, but since she expected you to underwrite it, it shows she is not mature enough yet..

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Keep her close to you, Dad. Even when (ESPECIALLY when) you both realize YOUR hopes and dreams FOR HER, are not the same as her OWN hopes and dreams.

:)

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You are sending the right message.

If she shows no responsibility for the car, she probably will not change when she is with her boy friend. With my kids, my wife and I taught them they move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend on their wedding night.

I also taught my kids the Captain John Smth welfare system . . . if you don't work, you don't eat. One tested me, but my wife and I stood firm and it worked out fine.

Good luck to you and yours.

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You are right on! Tell her what you told us--with a good long lesson in budgeting and adult responsibilities thrown in. If she wants to live like an adult, this is what that means...

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Way to go for standing your ground Dad! I understand that at 19 she is legally an adult but she shouldn't expect to be able to go play house with her boyfriend and still have you footing all of her bills. I might have a different opinion if she had done well in school and was living up to her part of your agreement that she pay for the car insurance but it doesn't seem like she's showing any big signs of independence and maturity. Personally, I think it's a little extravagant to buy a high school graduate a brand new car to use but I understand that you probably just wanted her to be safe traveling to and from school. It's awesome that she's able to fly for free as frequently as she wants and I think that's more than fair.

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i am more in the new school camp when it comes to the boyfriend situation. moving in on your wedding night seams dangerously outdated to me. and as a woman who was married at 29, i find the notion exceedingly insulting and oppressive!

yes, she is still a dependent, but she is NOT a minor.

the car, however, is another matter. You are paying for it and it is for school. no school, no car.
maybe if she wants to take over the ENTIRE financial responsibility for the car over the summer, then she can take to car. She wanted to get a job, right? that would be a good exercise in adulthood.

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Ok, the car was bought and given FOR SCHOOL, so tell her that as long as she is IN SCHOOL she has use of the car. During the summer she does not have use of the car unless she stays with you. The rules have changed since you have had to pay for insurance and the car payment xyz times. Should she choose to stay with you and work during the summer she can still have acess to the car for work only as long as she pays for insurance. Tell her that if she chooses to stay with her bf for the summer it will be w/out your blessing and w/out the prius. She is an adult technically so she can go w/ or w/out your permission.

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I think you are doing a wonderful job! You are supporting her while she's in college and as such she is subject to your rules. If she wants to make an adult decision like moving for the summer then she has to pay all of her expenses while she is there - including the car payment, cell phone, insurance, etc. I understand not wanting to be the bad guy, it's a tough position to be in. I would suggest sitting down and explaining to her that she is free to make the adult decision to go live with BF for the summer but that she is responsible for all expenses including the car (or that the car won't be going with her if you really don't want her to take it) and let her make the decision herself.

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You are her dad and you have pangs of "emotion" for the thank you Dad and happy daughter. However she is now 19 and not 9 and you must realize that she is in the real world of adulthood (even if she acts like 13).

Rules have been implemented and she has to abide them in order to have use of the car. School is out and she needs a job to pay her way. A visit for a week or so near the end of the summer could be arranged however without the car. Living with BF is out - he is still a child living with mommy.

By you saying NO to her, you are preparing her for her adult work world. Her future boss is not going to care if she does or does not have a way to get to the job so long as she is there and on time. The world does not revolve around what she wants. Delayed gratification is in order and the sooner she learns it the better she will be.

Stand your ground and know that you did put moral values in her life even if she doesn't see them right now. Parenting is not easy at any age and it is sometimes harder as they get older. As that saying goes, "once a parent always a parent, it just changes as the child gets older."

The other S.

Mom of two adult children 37 and 34.

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Maybe the boyfriend could come live with you for part of the summer, and then she could go live there for part? Nothing about having a boyfriend suggests that she isn't an independent woman. I married my college boyfriend (many years after we finished college)--many women do. We have a great family, a very nice life, have good jobs, etc.
If my parents had invited us both to come live with them when we were very young and broke, it would have been a very kind thing to do. Instead, they disapproved of me and him and living together, so I just didn't come home anymore for awhile. Many young girls like your daughter may resort to lying and sneaking when they know telling the truth about what they want will only be met by disapproval and shame and guilt over car payments.
I hear that it's hard for you to think about your daughter going away, not acting as you wish she would, but I think it will help the relationship with your daughter if you stretch yourself and try to help her get what she wants. She can learn to make good choices by actually making choices. And she will have you as a soft landing spot if the choices turn out bad.

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You are totally doing the right thing.

Kudos to you for sticking to your guns. I understand it must be difficult, it sounds like your daughter is really turning up the heat on this one.

If, and when, she is financially independent, she can do things like stay with her boyfriend. However, since she depends on you for everything, even clothes (really, dad? you pay for her clothes at 19! awesome), food, and a cell phone, explain to her that she is not different from your average 13 year old girl. Even though she is chronologically 19, emotionally and developmentally she is behaving like an underage tween here. She is old enough to grasp this concept. It's just that, when you are used to having had it all, it is easy to take things for granted.

Gee, I wish my dad paid for a car (AND insurance!), cell, and clothes ON TOP OF tuition when I was 19! Your daughter has it easier than many of us ever did.

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She is legally an adult, that does not include a vehicle being handed to her. Tell her she can do what she wants, it is after all her decision to make, but the car is in your name and stays where you are. If she moves then put it up for sale, tell her if she'd like to buy it that she can have first refusal.

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I agree with Kate H's suggestion 100%.

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