19 Year Old Finding Herself

I hope you don't mind my advice since I have yet to experience kindergarden with my kids but I can speak from personal experience with retrospective... first of all, has her schooling suffered?
My parents turned me loose at 18 after i graduated HS, not that I had to move out or be finacially responsible or anything but I had no rules anymore. I didn't have to answer to them anymore-this was their IDEA!! But then I started messing up in school, dating a total loser, and spending all my money (on him). In the end, I had to drop out of school b/c I was failing and then I did the, "take a semester off" thing and never went back. I floated around and wasted years accomplishing nothing.
There is really no diffence between 17,18,19-22, i think. It took me along to time realize just what being "an adult" really ment. she is still a teenager in her mind. she needs rules and needs to be taught to be responsible for herself. She needs to be taught the basics of real life. Give her some minor responsibilites like transfering the car and insurance into her name and make her pay for it. Or require she pay a small amount for rent, like 100$. Then save that money and when she moves out, give it back to her. Don't give her spending money or gas money. You pay for everything else. If she's hungry, she can come home to eat.

But be sure to set up some new "Adult" rules. Be sure she knows that you respect her and the fact she's not a little girl. Define the values you as a family have and hope that she is following, like not that sleeping at her boyfriend makes her a bad person but, it brings too many distractions and levels of emotions (stress) that could hinder her from accomplishing her goals.
Ask her what her goals are and her plans on acheiving them.Let her know your behind her 100%.
I think it's important to set up a type of reciprocity especially when she is this young and living at home. it's okay to set up boundaries. But the ultimate goal is that you don't want her to fall by the way side (as I did) and loose out on all her potential. If she goes to school and gets good grades, you pay for all her schooling and room and board. If she drops out, she needs a fultime job and to pay some sort of rent. and personally, I think she must call to let you know where she is, your her mother not her roomate. Of course you worry about her.

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Hi S.,
Boy, do I feel your pain!!! My son is 18, will be 19 in September, and I am just hoping that he finishes high school and doesn't miss so much he CAN'T. He is a very smart kid, has been offered a 4 year scholarship to a private school here and now tells me he's "dreading going to college and wishes he didn't have to." My daughter, who is now 21, did the same thing. Very smart, beautiful, talented girl, and she went to school 2 years and decided she "didn't need it" and dropped out. He SAYS he will do this or that around the house (the bedroom is a huge bone of contention), but doesn't follow through on it. I fear his grades are suffering, because he is gone all the time with little to no time spent studying. This year he did concurrent enrollment--went to college in the mornings and highschool in the afternoons. Sometimes he will go out at night and not come home until 3:00 a.m. He just broke up with a serious girlfriend a few months ago and has since been just dating different ones, but it seems he gravitates toward all these girls who are users or who don't care if they go to college, etc. I'm hoping that we'll be able to "hold on" until high school is over, and maybe this summer things will "come around" again. You are not alone, believe me. Is there any hope that your daughter and the boyfriend will come to a parting of the ways? Feel free to e-mail me!
C. P.
____@____.com

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I am 40 years old but there is one thing I remember! My parents morals! When I went to school my dad (parents are divorced)paid for everything, car, school , insurance, etc...I went to college for one year, then dropped out! The first thing that happended was my dad STOPPED paying the bills for me! I had to get not 1, not 2, but 3 jobs to make ends meet! But when I did go to school I had the same rules as your daughter! I don't think it is old-fashion at all. Even though then I thought he was being cruel, now with 2 daughters of my own, I would have done the same thing!
Seems to me you are doing everything you can.
As hard as it was for my dad to see me makes those mistakes years ago, he said not to long ago that he is very proud of me. i never went back to college, so I am paying for that mistake, but I am happily married with 2 wonderful daughters.

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Well, I am only 27 and my children are very young at 6 & 3. However, It wasn't that long ago that I was 19. I am recently divorced and I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 17. I married him at 19. We had two little boys and a wonderful 9 years together, although, now it's all in the past but we are still good friends. I'd be willing to bet you have always been there for her and she is confident you always will be regardless of what she does, where she goes, or who she is with. I believe that is why she doesn't seem to care that his family follows a lower standard of self-respect. At that age I had not truly realized that although I grew up upper/middle class, that status was entirely a result of my parents education and hard work and nothing to do with me. It took me several years to figure out that I needed to get serious about my college education and career aspirations before I could continue the lifestyle I was accustomed to and had always assumed I would be able to provide for my own children. I believe I would have learned this lesson more quickly had my own family practiced more tough love than they did/do.

She is by law an adult and will ultimately make her own decisions concerning independence. Depending on her personality you might try; Telling her if she wants to live her life dependent on state assistance then there is no reason you should continue paying for her education since she doesn't plan on using it. Let her know she is welcome to take out a student loan if she wants to remain in college. Tell her she has such and such amount of time to get a job, secure an apartment, and take on all the responsibilities of being an adult. Make sure she knows she will receive ZERO money from you unless she remains in college with such and such GPA. OR if you are able you could offer her a bribe that would be financially beneficial to her if she agrees to focus on college graduation rather than boys and anything else you'd rather her steer clear of.

I just assumed my parents would stop giving me money when I got married so I never asked. Six months into marriage the rut we were in was quite clear. We both worked about 60 hours a week and could still barely afford the basics. At that point it was clear we had two choices. Get a college education or never be able to afford our tiny apartment, utilities, and food much less ever hope to afford children. I did take out my own loans and managed to graduate from college after having my first child but I sure wish somebody had bribed me. I was too proud to go back home or ask for help after getting married but I did learn a very valuable lesson the hardest way possible. I agree now with my grandparents that the harder one has to work to be successful the more it is appreciated.

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I wouldn't cut her off completely, but she is definitely old enough to make her own decisions, good or bad. It might take making some bad ones to realize that she's goofing up. Some folks just don't care about their standard of living and don't work to improve it. Others work hard for what they have and keep working harder to keep it or get better. She has to decide what type of life she wants ahead. I would softly tell her that she needs to decide where she's living - with him or you the parents since it causes you stress to not know her schedule. Tell her she's welcome to stay with you while she's in school, however, it's with your house rules. It's really a sweet deal with no bills but it's her choice since she's 19. If she chooses him and realizes later that she might need to come home - I could never say no. Take it one day at a time and pray for patience and understanding.

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Your daughter has to be reminded that even though she's 19 she is not living in her own home and that she is dependent on you for food, clothing, etc. while she is in school. Until she is doing these things on her own she is not a "real" adult. That's not old fashioned. That's real. If it's old-fashioned in her opinion--so be it.

She does these things because she can. There are no consequences for her unacceptable behavior. What is the consequence for staying out all night? If there are none then there is no respect for being MIA for several days. She knows she can come home and repeat the process and the door to your home are open to her along with your fridge and your pocketbook. She will take your raised voice because there is not much behind it to stop her from doing what she wants.

Your husband and you have to decide what you will do when she is not following the rules of your house and stick to it. Then you don't need to raise your voice--just calmly stick to your guns, even if/when it means having no further discussion on the matter and/or closing your door on her. I would also suggest she get a parttime job to help pay for some of her own books or classes. She will be more appreciative of her education if she helps herself.

I'd be willing to bet that with that carousing not much studying is going on towards her degree. If her grades are not up to par by a certain time, since she claim adulthood, as hard as it is for you, you may have to withdraw your support in that area as well. She may resent it but appreciate it later.

Yes, one of your house rules may NEED to be that if one cannot live in YOUR house with YOUR rules then one may need to find her own place to live. I have to ask, if she were not your child, but a house guest, what would you do if that house guest disrespected your household? Stick to your guns and don't be one of those parents who fears their children getting upset with them.

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Dear S.,
I recently went through a simular situation with my 19 year old son. He would leave to go to school in the a.m. and not return until 10-1030 and then it was later and later and later until it was 3 in the morning. We had rules which includeda curfew which we imposed punishment, but it was ignored. We locked the cate made him walk up the long drive, locked the doors which he didn't have his own key, so we new for sure when he was coming in. I had asked him do do a personal errand for me which didn't get done and caused me to not get a terrific job. He was always broke and needed gas money because he was driving this girls family arounf everywhere because there car had expired tags. Like your daughters boyfriend they are a welfare family and we are not. It was very hard to see him sucked in like this. One morning after a confrintation I told him that if he couldn't follow mt rules he knoew where the do was. That night while the rest of the family was at church he broke into the house and packed up some stuff and left. He wrote a note and said he would be back in a couple of days and he would call. I didn't hear from him for over a month, he had been in the hospital with pnemonia and didn't even call, but had his bills sent here. (I did not pay them) Of course we eventaully found out that he moved in with his girlfriend and her family. I cried alot, I prayed alot, but I knew in my heart that he was going tohave to learn from the school of hard knocks. He dropped out of school, got a job and has bought himself another car. He learned that life is rough when your bed sometimes is the floor and the food stamps have been cancelled a time or two, as that family has moved three times since November. I wish you the best with your daughter, sometimes they just have to learn on their own.
I will remember you and your family in my prayers,
M.

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Hi I was living at home and engaged at 23. I had a curfew. I had to be at by curfew time, and I did.
I had a twenty four year old who was living under my roof. They had a curfew and kept it. My daughter moved out a year ago at twenty two she also kept her curfew.

I'm fifty now. I know, nothing good happens at night! My house my rules. Its so much safer at home. I can sleep when I know my children are home and safe in their beds. Good Luck and God bless.

D.

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i would tell her to move out if she cant go by the rules

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Hi S.,
Sounds like you have your hands full. I have a 4yr old, and well i am sure there will come a day when he will have issues that he will make his own desissions, but my thought is, i would set her down and have a talk w/her. Tell her this is not the road you want to take being w/ someone that cannot support themselves,letalone you.Rules are not that bad if your parents are helping you try to make something great out of your life. She needs the want to make something out of herself, and you deserve the respect. She maybe 19. but there are girls that go missing all the time and making yourself vulnerable because you think you are too big for your britches can cause you to make bad decissions in life.It's better to stay on the right track now, because if you try to do it later in life once you figure out that you should have made better choices, it sure is alot harder. I dropped out of school when i was 17, got married and didn't go back and get my GED till i was 30! Things change alot and it sure is harder.Tell her that all you are wanting to do is help her achieve goals where she can stand on her own two feet and not have to worry about someone else taking care of her if she ever left alone later in life. She needs to become independent on herself and not others!! There will come a time in her life where she will have to support herself, and WELFARE IS NOT THE CHOICE!!.There are people that need it, but there are also people that don't. they are perfectly capable of working, but too damn lazy to do it. I do not support that.

I do not feel like rules are a bad thing, but I do feel like she needs a bit of freedom especially since she is in college.

S.
Your rules seem fair to me especially since you are paying her college bill. I would have a sit down with her and tell her if she wants you to pay her college she needs to be at home on time and follow the rules of the house. If you do not get a handle on this daughter the other just may follow suit. If she wants to find herself you might just need to let her be on her own and pay her on college. Paying your children college bill is something we as parents choose to do out of the kindness of our hearts it is not something that me have to do. She is a adult and she has to start acting like one. I have two daughters and they both live on campus and they do their on things at school but when at home they still follow our rules. Maybe she could live on campus if that is do able. I hope things will get better for you and your family.

Your daughter is an adult and is wanting all the benefits of beng one without the responsibility. I suggest you consider charging her rent. Maybe you could give her a choice: either she lives by the "house rules" or she pays rent to make it more like she is "on her own." Explain to her that she can't be "provided for" (ie- you giving her room, board, spending money etc.) like a child and also have the freedom of an adult. She needs to pick one! Don't let her take advantage of you. Good Luck!

she is using you. if she wants her education for free a few common courtesies shouldnt be a trial. if she cant discuss this with you like the adult she thinks she is then move her out. she willsink or swim either way she may just find some of the respect for you two that she seems to have lost. i learned this the hard way but my 19 is now in her own apt. and has a job. cause i stopped paying!

My oldest sister went through something similar. My advice is to stop helping her with money. She is an adult, and if she is not going to help herself, you shouldn't help her either. She needs to learn that she has to have a job and follow rules. If you continue to help her in this manner, you are enabling her. My father still bales out my oldest sister (at least once a month) and she has never learned to get up and take care of herself and her kids. She is now 36. Let her run out of money, out of gas, and learn that money does not grow on trees or out of her parents pockets. The only way she is going to learn to pick herself up, is if you let her fall and learn her own lessons.
Good Luck!

Hi, I think there is a limit to how generous you can be with your patience and money and tolerance. If you have house rules that have always been house rules, then while she is in the house, those are the rules. You have another daughter coming up watching what her sister is getting away with, and that's going to come back and bite you in the butt. In a calm way, I think I would have to tell her that if she wants to have a Landlord/tenant relationship, then she needs to get a job and pay rent. If she wants the freedom of being an adult, then she needs to deal with the rest of her life like one too.
If she wants to continue to be a "child" in your household, then she is subject to your house rules.

Allowing her to live off you, and disrespect the standands you have set for your home, is not teaching her any responsibility, and I am afraid that you may get exactly what you fear in a freeloading mentality in your daughter.

It's time for tough love. If she doesn't follow the rules of the house, she is out without any more financial support. She will test you to see if you are serious, but just hold firm. It might also help to point out the lifestyle of the welfare recipient compared to your lifestyle if she will listen.
S. R
Mother of 5

Do you have a car that she drives? Take the keys away. Does she have a cell phone that you pay for? Take it away. Does she have a phone, TV, or stereo in her bedroom? Take them away too. Don't pay for anything but food & shelter for her. And no fancy, expensive food either!! Strip her of all of her privileges and she will either obey your rules or move out!

I know it will sound hard, but you should not pay her college bills, or give her any money, or even provide her a place to live if she ignores you. She may seem to spiral even faster downhill at first, and maybe she won't straighten up, but you don't have to finance her self-destruction, which she is expecting you to do. She is going to have to face some hard reality about life before you can get her attention. Some people have to learn the hard way. Be sure you let her know that things don't have to be this way. It is her choice.

This comes to you from a woman (now 35) who sounded a lot like that. How important is college to her? Does she have a car? Insurance? Stop paying her bills. If she goes to work, she has to follow their rules in order to get paid and continue working there, your home should be no different. Pose it to her as a business venture, and good luck.

I am the mother of a 30 year old who has been in Recovery for three and a half years. She's doing beautifully now, but we all have have been through lots of PAIN with her. It sound like you are doing the right thing by not giving your daughter any money. She's old enough to support herself and if you give her living expenses, she will never have the privilege of seeing her potential. Parents make the mistake of thinking that they are being 'GOOD PARENTS' when they GIVE their children (no matter what age) money, cars, a place to live, clothes, etc. You are setting an example for your younger daughter by whatever you so with your older one, so.....think about it before you do it. :) My youngest (24) is GREAT and is constantly telling me..."Mom...I learned how NOT to behave by my sister." I also have a son who is married and is expecting his first child in the fall. He is 28. You daughter is ON HER OWN if she is choosing to stay with her boyfriend, so I would accept that and NOT CRITICIZE. She KNOWS how you feel!!! even if she ACTS like she doesn't. Quietly set boundries and DON'T GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I allowed my daughter to CRASH (the most painful thing I have ever experienced), and she says it's what saved her life! We don't WON our children. They are "loaned" to us for a while and we have the privilege of parenting them, but when they are on their own, they deserve to make their own mistakes and our job is to hug and love them unconditionally.....even when we DON'T APPROVE! Good luck!!!

We are VERY similar. My 19 yo wants to go to college locally starting this fall and I do NOT look forward to the battles we will have over curfew, cleaning her room, etc. She, also, will 'stay over' at her boyfriend's. So, I invoke "my house, my rules" It does not always work. I do try to pick my battles. A messy room drives her step dad crazy. I am more concerned that I lay awake all night waiting to hear she came home safely. Last time the rule was broken, she was not allowed to stay over night at my home. Furthermore, she could not even be at the house if we were not home. She stays at her dad's who is much more lax as to any rules. So, same rules will apply when she moves out of the dorm.

April,
It sounds like you are a great mom. I'm from the Old school
I believe that if your daughter is to grown to follow the house rules then she needs to get her own place. You have done a wonderful job taking care of her and paving the way thus far. In all reality she needs to know what it is like to take care of herself because in the real world . she is not gonna find some one that caters to her like you are doing as a parent. It's a mean world out there and I'm afraid that if she doesn't learn responsibilty . What will happen to her if something happens to you ..She will have a hard time taking responsiblity for herself. In fact, I do not believe that this is setting a good example for your other daughter. She is truly blessed to have you as a mother. I do not think you are asking to much of her..

~ Be blessed~

Oh man do I hear you. It's true what Dr Phil says " YOU allow ppl to treat you the way they do". Its called tough love!!!. Its called its time for her to be on her own & facing the big world as an adult. If she lives under your roof by George she SHOULD follow the guidelines you set down. If she stays at home let her pay some rent & some for groceries & her neccasities. Once I saw on the cosby Show the oldest boy thought he had it so tough till his family made him pay for the bed, chairs, etc etc in his room. Your daughter will get a wake up call when she is in the real world maybe its time for that call to be made. You are NOT doing her ANY favors by enabling her. Instead choose to make her responsible. Ive been there done that!!!

You are too easy on her. My son is 23, still lives at home and absolutely has a curfew. Monday-Thursday are work and school nights. He normally comes straight home from work, 5 p.m. If he goes out on those days,then he has to be in by ten. On Friday night he can stay out until 2, unless he is spending the night with friends. On Saturday nights he has to be in by 1 a.m., because this is a church night. Church on Sunday morning. He pays $100 towards our rent, and Pays an $82.00 a month cable bill. He says he could not rent his own place with all the bills for $200 a month. If she wants money outside of the college bill, make her get a job. She is in the adult world now, and that is what adults have to do.She would come home every night , or get her own place. This is you and your husbands home. She has the privilege of staying there, she does not own it. When she walks through the door, she is breathing your air and should have more respect of her parents. If my son wants to sleep with his girlfriend, he better get business taken care of before curfew. Curfew stands regardless and he better be home on time. I have yet to have a problem with these rules. GOOD LUCK GET TOUGH BUT STILL LOVE

S., I feel for you. I have 5 that range from adult to elementary age. You have to approach this from an adult to adult situation or she won't respond with anything but "You don't understand" (immature). Ask her to come for a meeting with you and dad. Have a plan and stick to your guns. First thing, tell her you will not let her live at home and disrespect you and dad by going back and forth between home and the boyfriend. She has to choose one--live at home with rules or move out. Second, if she wants to go to college, you will continue to HELP (not waste) on that regardless of where she is living. Third, whether she is going to live at home or not, all expenses she has besides college are on her. Never give her the money to pay for college stuff, go and do it yourself. If you are helping her with a car,...car payment, ins., gas, that stops. She is now expected to make the car payment, insurance payment, gas bill (that means she has to get a job). Your biggest ace in this plan is if the car is in your name you can repossess it until she pays you the payment. Tell her you will allow her to remain on your insurance to save her some money but only as long as she is going to school and the grades are good (have proof in hand on the grades), and take the keys if she doesn't give you the insurance money when it comes due, if she is on your health insurance explain to her that she is only covered if she continues with college, but if she drops out, she is responsible for all of her own medical bills and will have to get the car payment and car insurance in her name. If she thinks she can foot the bill on her own, let her go. You will worry yourself sick either way, but letting her make her own mistakes will be the only way that she will see that she had it made with mom and dad backing her up. If she wants to live at home she has to agree to certain terms, or she has to find her own place. She is old enough to put the numbers together and see that they don't add up. Let her fall, but if she leaves home on good terms, not mad and screaming, let her know that she can come back to you. If she storms out, don't have a revolving door for her to put you thru this over and over. If she has a good friends (other than the boyfriend and his mom), they will let her know she is making a mistake and will help her see the light faster than you can. She will jump to his defense and dig in to prove you wrong and will be caught up with his family to the point she won't know how to save face and break away. Pray and stick to your guns. If you have taught her right, she will come back to it if she really wants a good life. You can't "bully" her into doing what is best. Good luck.

Hi S.,

She can 'find herself' out the door... NOW !!

And when she gets pregnant, and she will, don't you dare wimp out.

She's on her own, problems and all....all because she wouldn't LISTEN!

Tell her that as you slam the door on her spoiled and selfish a**.

Now move on to the rest of your seemingly happy family. Enjoy life! All the best ;-)

I know this is ging to sound very harsh but TOUGH LOVE is best. I too am on my second marriage. I had to show my daughter the door when she started the same kind of thing. My husband also had to show his daughter the door when she started the same signs. I know that this is going to be hard for you to do but is what we have found to be best. Both our daughters are now happily married (my daughter with 2 beautiful sons & his daughter with 2 beautiful daughters). At first it was very tense in my home. I cried buckets of tears for her. But while I was crying for her I prayed continously for her. I will warn you things may get pretty bad for her. My daughter got pregnant with her first son with all this happening. She married the father of her child, went on to graduate from college that she paid for, 7 now works in the same office with me. Our relationship is stronger than ever. My husband's daughter moved in with her boyfriend but have a very committed relationship. He is the father of her 2 daughters. Just hang in there. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY & then PRAY some more. Keep your eyes looking up & leave your burndens @ HIS feet! Good Luck!!!
Phil. 4:19
R. D. ^j^

Hey S...

You are doing the right thing....give her no money or anything else that you pay for...including a roof over her head....it is called tough love...lock your door at what ever time you want and do not open it for her..if she insists upon staying with her boyfriend ask her to move out...i think you will find that you cannot change what she wants to do ....so disconnect...i know that sounds harse but it is the only way you will have peace in your home...you can do it...she is a big girl and she will use everyone she can..this..is..bad..do not be the victum..if you can make her undrstand that you are not responsable for her anymore she will get the message and so will her sister...you may just be saving yoursel a future headache..

Good luck ,

J.

I feel like you if an adult child doesn't want to follow my simple rules for living in my home and I am supporting her cut her completly off. let her support her self. down to the school and let her find her self. It will be hard on you mom but best for her. Yes she is using you.