19 Month Old Hitting and Yelling When Confronted with Sharing

I think at 19 months he is probably not as aware as you think he may be, even the smartest toddlers can't control their impulses at that age, nor do they have a strong sense of consequences unless you are consistent and follow through. They are also not so great about "sharing" but for some reason they can better deal with "taking turns". So first try to keep your language clear about "we all take turns, it's his turn, now it's your turn". I don't exactly understand why, but it is much easier for them to grasp. Then I would look at two ways to deal with the bad behavior. First, at that age you can still practice a lot of distraction. If he's getting mad, move him to another piece of equipment where he can be alone. If it's too crowded for that, or once the hitting or screaming start, sit him on the sidelines until he is calm enough to try again, or he will leave the park altogether. No ifs and or buts, bad behavior will mean leaving the park. Then do it. He may scream more and I'm sure it won't make you happy doing it, but he will learn eventually that it's simply not tolerated.

1 mom found this helpful

When my daughter had to share, intially it was tough. When kids came to the house to play, we put away toys she couldn't share (fear they would get ruined). At the park, when she played appropriately, she was allowed to play. When she was not playing appropriately (not sharing park toys, structures, or nicely), she was not allowed to play. I would remove her from the activity, explain how she was expected to behave, and have her sit on the bench for 2 minutes. After the third removal, we went home. At two, I only gave her two changes to play properly in the park, and that meant sharing.

Yes, we talked about how we were expected to behave/play ahead of time. She was able to show me children who were playing properly in the park and those who were not. The bigger struggle came when other care givers didn't expect their children to be nice. I was pleased to see her question this. Eventually, she would walk up to the adult and ask why they let the child "play mean in the park" (not share, push, throw sand, hit, etc.).

We rarely had to leave the park. Yes, I was disappointed when we had to leave because I was enjoying the outside time with other adults and appreciating the time to just be, but in the long run it was a good thing, as Martha would say.

Stephanie

You've gotten some great advice. I just wanted to point out that if you are burnt out and frustrated, that is probably stressing him out, too, and he may be acting up and getting aggressive because that's how toddlers deal with stress. Try to find some ways to calm things down and give him some extra security to get him ready for the big change that's coming with the new baby. Along with consistent discipline, that will go a long way, and the phase will pass.

"Confronted" with sharing. I like the choice of words. At that age it probably does feel like a confrontation.

He's a baby. Don't be angry. Just remove him if you need to.

You make the rules - if he cannot share, he cannot play with any toys. If he cannot share on on the jungle gym, take him off of it and make him have a time out. He is old enough to get what is going on. The hard part is being consistent EVERY time. I applaud your structure and it seems you know that you have got to get control of this right now. You do.

If there is a consequence every time, you should have this under control in a few weeks but those few weeks are going to be very tough on you. You can do it.

Hang in there and God Bless.

Nobody can like sharing until they learn empathy, and sometimes not even after that! Adults don't share with strangers often, either. When they do, we think of someone saintly like Mother Teresa. So I would relieve myself of the expectation that a toddler will share. If you want your child to share, it seems clear to me that all one can do is role model sharing oneself and someday, perhaps when they are an adult, they will joyfully share.

Until then, I think it's best to support and empathize with your son (you really want that all to yourself! here's something no one else is playing with...) while perhaps getting him his own little slide (even if you put it indoors for him) or having him play alone. He's not getting any benefit from "socializing" at this age and it seems perhaps quite stressful for him, with the competition for toys/equipment and mom on the verge of anger. He knows a brother is coming so he's really going to have to share the most important person in his life soon...seems to me the time is now to give him that extra validation and support around the difficulties of sharing and some words to express how it feels.

A great book to check out is Naomi Aldort's "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves." It's helped me learn to identify my reactions to my daughter's behavior (oh no! she's not sharing! Everyone will think I'm a bad mom!) so that this belief/fear of mine doesn't determine my reaction to her. It's hard work but it feels better to be in control of my own reactions, and I think that's good role modeling, too--we are trying to teach them to control themselves so it makes sense for them to witness that process in us.

Good luck with your growing family!

When he does that at the plasyground immediately reprimand him and tell him that since he acts that way he cant play there and take him home. As for the toys take it away from him and give it to the other child so he learns that he has to share if he screams put him in timeout and gettiong down to his level look him inn thec eyes and explain that his behavior is not acceptable. Always make him apologize to the other kids.

M. - I know you think he knows the rules - and maybe he knows what they are - but you are expecting too much from him. Kids do not truly "get" the concept of sharing and have the ability to consistently comply with the concept/rule of sharing until about age 3-4 years old. Your son is still very much in the "if it's in my hands (or I'm on it), then it's mine" stage. He thinks that if he lets go of the toy (or gets off the playground structure) then it isn't his anymore and not only can he not use it in that moment but he can't use it ever again - or he may not ever see it again.

That said, you do still need to address the shrieking and hitting, which are of course unacceptable. Rather than focusing on trying to force him to "share" (you can still mention it and even talk about it later when the emotion isn't involved), you should focus on correcting the unacceptable behavior. You can tell him that hitting and yelling are not acceptable and that if he cannot keep himself from doing that then he will need to take a break from the toy/structure/play so that he can get his body and voice calmed and under control.

Good luck,

N.