18 Yr. Old Living at Home, Still in Highschool - Need URGENT HELP!

My kids aren't teenagers yet so all I can offer you are hugs! I do know when *I* was a teenager that the rule was "if you live under my roof then you live by my rules" period. If we didn't follow the rules, things we took for granted were taken away. (We were never kicked out-- just given the option that if we didn't want to follow the rules then we were welcome to move out, and if we decided to stay that there would be serious consequences for not following the rules.) It sounds like he has things that are privelages that he thinks are rights or necessities. You say he won't call you or answer his cell phone?? Then why does he have one????????? That one blows my mind! That is the #1 first thing I would take away from him and not let him have it back until he can show you that he WILL and DOES consistantly follow your rules, including curfew and letting you know where he is going-- and not for one day or one week but for several months before he gets that phone back, if ever!! Teenagers are not automatically entitled to cell phones-- especially if they have no job to pay the bill, and ESPECIALLY if they won't answer when you call them. I have seen extreme cases where EVERYTHING was taken away from a teen to show him that you are only required to give him the basic necessitiies-- food and shelter. He does not need a door on his room, a dresser for his clothes, etc.

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Here's what I would do:
1. Give him a printed set of guidelines of what you expect from him while living in your house. (curfew, chores, attitude, etc.)
2. Give him a timeline to find a job. (2-3 weeks, whatever you & your husband feel comfortable with)
3. Explain what will happen if he doesn't comply with the rules (move out on his own) FOLLOW THROUGH if he doesn't comply. Believe me once he finds out how hard it is to do things on his own he will come crawling back.
4. Ask him questions about what he wants from his life & what he thinks he needs to do to accomplish them, instead of telling him what he needs to do. Sometimes hearing yourself say it accomplishes more than hearing someone else tell you what you need to do.

Finally, know that some things he will have to learn on his own, you can only teach him so much. He knows that you won't kick him out so he continues to do these very disrespectful things. He needs tough love. When he learns that the money tree no longer exists he will figure it out. He is using emotional blackmail on you because he knows you fear him being on his own. Counseling for you & your husband may be a good idea to help you come up with a plan of action. Don't continue to let this young man run over you. Pretty soon your other children may be following suit because they see how he treats you disrespectfully. You did say that he has been in counseling, but have you all been together?

I wish you the very best with this! God Bless!

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He sounds like an ungrateful spoiled young man. I'm sure you and your family have done all you can for him and more than is required as a parent. That, in itself, could be one of his problems. Have you "overdone" for him because he is an adopted child? Have you tried to give him everything you think he didn't have before he came into your life? We can't change the past..good or bad or go back. Do you allow your natural born children to get by with misconduct? Has he chosen the right friends..the same friends you want for your own children? Even though he is popular with girls and has many friends, I'm wondering if they are having problems with school and preparing for their future as adults? I think as an 18 year old, in or out of school, he is considered to be an adult in the eyes of the law and court. As hard-nosed as it may be, I think he needs to either obey the rules of the house or move out. His "friends" may house and feed him for awhile but if they're responsible with school and work I don't think his friends will allow him to "party" while they're working their butts off. You son probably lacks confidence and may actually be afraid to "grow up". He became a father at age 15? And isn't responsible for the child's well-being? I don't think he became a troubled young man since he's been in your life but came in your life already troubled. And who paid for a Summer in Europe?

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ugh.
call school counselor...
get him AND you (and husband) in counseling.

tough love.
take away everything- his room should have nothing but a bed, dresser and desk. no tv, no phone, no nothing.

1 mom found this helpful

Good Day T.,
My name is Kathy and I HAD the same issues with my step son who is turning 21 this month! When he was 17 I talked my self silly, we made good examples of ourselves for him to follow since we won, (ha-ha) custody of him at 14. Nothing was having any effect! Finally when he was 17 I WROTE him a letter and informed him of all my "secret" thoughts, ex: how he was the dirtiest human being I had ever met in my 45 years of living, ect. I let it all out! He read that letter and moved out before morning! But he came back and lied to us something awful! Said he wanted to go to college and we paid for his first semester. He knew that he had to get a part time to full time job also. He worked part time, but did NOT help out with anything! We found out his college was for music lessons! So both my husband & I told him it was time for him to find other living arrangements. He moved into a friends house in Orlando! YEAH!!! Since he's been there, he has even tried to get a loan-under our names/responsibilities; and this time we refused to give him the information he needed! We have agreed that Tough Love is exactly what he needs! We will not allow him back home! Not till he learns respect & consideration for our family! We have to do this or he will never accept any responsibility in life! I would suggest you's do something along this area! He is an adult once he turns 18..Legally & morally! I will pray for your family & your son. May God bless & guide you in this situation!
Truly,
Kathy N.

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You already have the answer in your heart but it's just that the love in your heart for him is making you see other wise. This man is using your love. he knows you wont really kick him out, he knows you'll still give him money, he knows you'll be up at night waiting for him, and he knows that you want him as your son, he knows you want to take care of him as you do your blood children. In reality step out of the box, and just imagine what your going through is actually a different family and what would you tell them to do?. He is using you, and what hurts you the most is when he tells you that your not his real parents. He has no care because if he cared he would be THANKFUL that such a wonderful family has opened their doors to the heart and their home to him. There are millions of children out there who'd wish even for one night to be loved by parents but instead they are left to feed themselves and protect themselves as young as 5. Shame on him. And yes girls are clueless. they might use him now but give them also two years and they'll want nothing from him. No one wants a player let alone someone who wont be a high school graduate. A girl wont want to support him. And no idiot would support their boyfriend/husband while they go party and cheat on them. If you want to change him you have an advantage since he's still 18 i know there are programs where the police will take him and he stays about 3 or six months and they'll straighten him out. call your sheriffs office or go there yourself and tell them about your son. i know they have a program like that because i knew of someone who did that to their daughter. don't feel bad about him. guide him but if someone doesn't want to be guided you cant make him. Reality will hit him soon. And if you truly love this young man you've brought into your home you'll do whats best for him and shape him up. Take away his car and to make sure he knows you're serious sell it...yes SELL IT (this happened to someone i know the father sold her car so she would take the bus till she shaped up)..take away his phone! or if he wont give it up end the service. And what is he going to do? call the cops? they'll be on your side. go back to his country? let him go. The way he's using the family purely anyone could see he has no respect. And for sure you do not want a 30 year old in your home... still going to parties and jobless with no h-school diploma. The way he's acting he's future seems pretty down. You make the rules and enforce them! hire him a male tutor on w/ever he needs help in. Make appointments for him for jobs if he doesn't go cut out the money until he finds a job. He might have been in a bad situation when you took him in, but by now he should know what's expected from him and your def. not helping by just watching him and letting him slide by with his excuses. Take charge while he's still 18 because once 19 hits forget it he's an adult and you wont be able to do anything for him by law that he doesn't want to except kick him out of your house, and really that wont help either one of you. I wish you the best and remember even though you love him... strict love will be better for him in the long run. i hope I've helped a little and Take care .

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I have never been in your situation, and I pray our kids don't behave that way when they reach that age. It sounds like you are desperate. What I would suggest is this:

Instead of asking on here (no offense to mamasource or the wonderful ladies here), contact an attorney and find out EXACTLY what your legal obligations are. Ask your attorney to print them out in writing, and SHOW THEM to your son! Then be plain and up front with him. You will follow our rules (which don't sound too difficult to follow) or______. (Depending on what the law in your state says). "This is the list (show him) of what we are REQUIRED to provide/do for you. If you do not respect our rules, then this list is what you will receive."

Ask for his house key. Let him know that he must be home at curfew; the door will be locked at that time.

You don't need to spell out that this means no cell phone, no internet access, no nice clothes from the mall, no iPod, no iTunes or CDs, etc. Don't. Just remove them when he doesn't comply. And believe me, he WON'T. He is going to test you and push you to see if you mean it. So be sure that YOU are ready to follow the ultimatum you set down. If you are not, then don't make it. If you are ready, then just calmly (when he is at school perhaps) go remove the iPod, the name brand clothes, the cell phone (you may have to demand this one) the video games, the email account, etc. Lock them up, delete them, or take them to your work and leave them in your desk or locker or whatever there. NOT at HOME.. or SELL them even.

Pick up some clothes/shoes in his size from the local Goodwill or 2nd hand store and place those in his room/closet.

Then don't say a word.

When he freaks out... "Sorry, but you don't appreciate the privileges we've provided and you don't respect us, so we are not going to provide them anymore. When you show us that you have some appreciation and respect, then we will consider providing some of them again". Choose your words carefully. You do not need to justify your actions here. Explain briefly and then stop. Don't let him turn it into an argument- that sends the message that he gets "a say".
IF he straightens up, then you can slowly (not all at once) allow him the privilege of having a few of the items back. When he falls back into his disrespect, remove the items.

It is ALL harder on you than him. And he knows it. He will use that against you (you said yourself he uses his friends and girls...).

Curious, what was his life like before he came to the U.S. ?

May God bless you.

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He is 18 and living in the ways of the world. This destructive path he has chosen will sooner or later reveal the consequences of his actions. I understand that he is your son and that you love him dearly. You can stand on your head from now until the next decade but that will not show him how bad his behavior is, nor will it convince him that he is on a path of destruction. I do not know the laws of being a minor. I thought once the age of 18 is reached, they are no longer considered a minor, regardless if they are in H.S. or not. If your son wants to leave, let him leave. I know this will break your heart but he MUST learn for himself. It sounds like there may be some disabilities on his part, but if he is partying like you've described and is involved in premarital sexual relations, then he must not be so impaired to know what he likes and wants. Tough love is never easy and I honestly have no experience in this whatsoever, but I believe you must treat his behavior like an addiction. You and your husband must lay the ground rules and enforce them. For example, you enforce that he must be home by a certain time and he is not permitted to leave the house any later than that specified time, I would make it clear, VERY CLEAR that the door will be locked and he won't be permitted back into the house until the morning. This may be harsh, but I've seen "interventions" on TV with drug addicts. They MUST be let go from the home. It's not healthy for the ones in the home to be constantly subjected to hostility and fighting and destructive behavior. Sometimes one must reach rock bottom, as it is often referred to when the individual reaches the lowest point due to their actions. Once they reach this point, it is usually only at the low point that the person realizes the path they are on has reached a dead end. THEN you can offer him back into the home but with very strict rules again or else the individual must be kicked out, yet again if the rules are broken. You must be strong about this. If he wants out, let him out but it won't be long before he realizes how good it was at home. May God bless you and help you get through this.

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T., so sorry you are going through all this. I agree with the other responses that all privileges need to go until he complies with the house rules. Is he interested in joining the armed services? I had a cousin that was like your son and my uncle made him enlist and the next time I saw my cousin he was completely changed, very respectful and looking forward to a nice career as a mechanic, a skill he was taught in the military. It wasn't the life my uncle had hoped for him but it was 100 times better than where he would have ended up had he not enlisted.

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You don't say when you adopted him or how long he has been in your family. If it were me he would either follow the rules or be out the door. No excuses. None. You are just making him worse by allowing this behavior. Stand up for yourself and do something now. Don't wait or when he is 30 he will still depend on you for everything. You are doing him no favors by allowing such behavior.

ChildrensBehaviorHelp. com
go there fast,k

Try this.... treat him as a renter, let him quit school ( he can always renroll) tell him this is his rental agreement, what is explected of him when he buys food he puts his name on it etc. this way you can still be there for him and be sure he really isn't harming himself but it give him a taste of the real world but you gotta stick to it, no more mom will help, if he needs gas you write out a loan, and it must be paid back, same with the rent and the eletric, just a thought my parents did somethink like this when I was young it taught me great life lesson without being to far away.

My sisters went through a lot of similar situations growing up. The more rules, the more they disobeyed. In my opinion, giving him life experience and a job that is HARD would be best. Perhaps a farm, a factory, working at the docks or even working on some hard labor at a homeless shelter. Make sure he is getting paid minimum wage (same as if he doesn't get an education) and then start enforcing rules an adult has to live by - collect rent, require payment for utilities, make him buy his own clothes. If he doesn't like any of this, let him move out but tell him he is welcome back should he like to follow the rules. I wouldn't drive him anywhere, have him take the bus (at his expense). He may quit school or decide to move out, at least you are supportive and there for him no matter what his choice, but let the choice be his. He is an adult and a parent, he should at least be able to care for himself. Open a checking account, do everything an adult does. Don't give him a car, sell him a car, make him pay insurance, tag title. Life is hard, the sooner he realizes you love him unconditionally and what you do for him, the better. It may take years for him to realize it but that itself is a lesson he likely needs to learn on his own. If you can get him to do these things, I would take the money and put it in an account for him and when you see him on the right track, you can "bless" it back to him.

I think this will be harder for you but honestly, change comes from within, you can't control him. Good luck!

Hi T.,

I feel for you, it's tough having a wayward 18 year old at home. I don't know what state you are in, some consider an 18 year old at home a "minor" for school purposes, but in the manor you are asking about, no, he is an adult.

You didn't say what country your son was from, keep in mind cultural differences, you may be trying to impose values on him the last three years that are in conflict with the previous 15 years.

All you can do at this point is decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not. You have no control over this child, only your responses. The knife cuts both ways, you are no longer responsible for providing him with anything, and you can use that as a tool. If he gets upset, moves out and starts bumming from friend to friend, there isn't anything you can do about it.

You did mention you have other teenagers at home. Your response to this will set the example for the other children. If you tolerate his behavior, expect the others to start following suit.

I wish you the best of luck and my heart goes out to you and your family.

How old was he when he moved over here and what is the culture he comes form? There is a one day course in Sanford run by the police called operation right track. It is a great course for teens like your son. I put my son through it.

What state are you in?

Have you talked to the school conselor? or his teachers? Start there. Good luck

Was his adoption finalized & was he naturalized? Is he a US citizen? I have a brother that was much the same (though more violent), so he was not made a US citizen. He took off- went to CA & after '3 strikes' was deported back to El Salvador (he did not speak Spanish!). He snuck back into the US & was jailed again for being here. Please let him know it's a slippery slope & best of luck!

I understand the strain. He is still my brother & I love him- but now I can't see him.

Since he is still 18, he may qualify for the Sheriff's Boys Ranch if you live in Florida.

http://www.youthranches.org/site/Locations/live-oak.html

I am having the same kind of problem with my 15 year old. Forget about school counseling. They are not qualified to handle these type of issues. I also have learned that therapists don't do much good either. Currently, I am taking him to a psychologist which is a lot more than my budget can afford but my son respects him and that is the most important thing. Otherwise why should he follow someone's advice when they have no respect for the person giving it.

For sure, I would take away all material things such as the car, cell phone, TV and computer. My son hasn't had a cell phone for a very long time. I have removed all TV's from the house before and that really hurt him. It didn't take long for him to change his ways. Take away all his clothes except for 2 or 3 outfits. Less laundry for him to do. (I am assuming you are not washing his clothes for him) And the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It won't hurt him to get P&B sandwiches and maybe an apple or two a day for a while. I have stopped buying soda for him as well. When he has a good day, you can reward him by either going out to eat or making a special meal just for him.

It does sound like your son has an underlying issue and needs professional help. Regardless, while you are trying to find out what it is, he still has to go by the rules. Set a timeline for him to graduate and get a job. Let him know that he will have to move out by the age of 19 so he needs to start planning for that. If he still has not changed, drive him down to the nearest military recruiting office and make him enlist. It is a never ending struggle. If you find it is impossible to deal with, go to counseling yourself. It will help you to cope.

My understanding of the law is 18 = adult, in school or not. He needs a lesson in life. It's a hard one to learn, but if you don't do something about his behavior (I would kick him out and my husband would support me) he will continue to walk all over you and use you.

Good luck.

All I can say is good luck..........
I will think good posative thoughts :)

T.,
My heart goes out to you. This is obviously wearing strenuously and stressfully on you, your hubby and family.
I don't think I have the solution, I just feel that maybe you can try a last ditch effort of talking to him maybe with a police officer present. No, he hasn't committed any real crimes, but talk to an officer and tell him where you all now. He will understand. have him come to your home and tell the child all that he has done and how it makes you feel. Tell him that you are trying to help but see no gratitude, remind him that as an 18 y/o he has a responsibility to himself, you do things you do for him out of love and caution because he is heading down the road to destruction. The presence of an officer will present authority. Let the officer relate some incidences he has had on the job with teens with same behavior. This may give him a sense that someone knows and is watching him outside of home. Because he is an adult he may choose to leave your home, and you will have to let him go. it will be hard on your heart strings but, a time comes when we must let go, and he will get out there and see all he had taken for granted, because no one is going to foot his bills and pay his way. he will see how hard it is without an education. and hopefully he will return home and do right then. If it gets worse just remember that you have done all that you can do. I am sorry this is and has been happening to you. When you can do nothing else, just continue to pray.

I am so sorry you are having trouble with this son. I dont know if you believe in God, but prayer IS the answer. Even if nothing happens immediately, it works and the peace of putting it in God's hands and trying your best to seek counsel from godly people who specialize in people who have "gone astray" is invaluable. Perhaps, in a non-confrontational way, not when there has been a fight but just when you can arrange to speak with him in a calm matter, you can talk with him. I personally would show him your letter, open it up as , there is an online anonymous moms site where you can ask other mothers for advice and this is what I wrote. This young man has some severe issues of abandonment and hurt and pain. He was adopted and I'm sure knows it, so there has got to be some pain and a "fine I don't need you, I'll be fine on my own" mentality. He is a typical teen, but at his age, he should at least recognize that his path is leasing him nowhere, even if he continues to be tempted. I say, regardless of law, he is your child, still lives at home and has to abide by your rules. The rules, however, need to be VERY easy for him to make positive choices. Dont take away his phone and ground him or tell him he cant go out, just lay down guidlines that permit him to make choices to have all of those things. If he has a phone, tell him to get a report from his teachers EACH friday and if he has a 2.5 gpa in ALL classes, then he can have his phone until the next Friday. Allow him to meet tiny goals. If he wants to go out, he must abide by curfew, when he does , he can earn the oppurtunity to make a little money, dont give him money, but get him to earn it. If he doesn't then he is not allowed to go anywhere and earn any money. After setting LOTS of short term goals, tell him he has 90 days to reach major goals ( no breaking curfew, chores done, gpa acceptable, and has maintained a job of some sort, whether it's cutting lawns, or whatever, if not the car will be sold, period. Not enabling him will help him in the end. You may have an enemy for a while, but make it VERY clear IN WRITING, that you will help him in may ways and will do your best to accomidate his progression and success provided he makes choices that will also help him on that path. Try to get him to set goals for himself. Does he want to live on his own? Does he want to have a sports car, does he want money for fine clothes, a house with a pool? What are his material desires, when he thinks of one day marrying, does he want a marriage with problems because he is cheating on her. Does he want to finally fall in love and then becaus of his lustful habits, break her heart and lose her...and maybe his kids because he has hurt her? Or does he want to have someone to love and honor and trust for the rest of his life? His feelings of loss and hurt over his own circumstances may make him identify with this " unknown" family and child and wife that he hasn't met and maybe he can see that his current actions are hurting his future relationships. Tell him over and over that you love him, even when he pisses you off and you just want him gone so you dont have to deal with all the drama, remind yourself that you do have an unconditional love for him and hug him, even if you have to fake it. He is seeking the sex and other entertainment to fill his void. I know that we as humans cant fill it all the way and having a passion for Jesus and faith that God loves us no matter what is going on in our lives is the only thing that can fill the whole void. If you can find a youth group that is VERY new age and modern, jeans and t-shirts, lots of youth, loud music, etc. This is type of church that he might be able to relate to. Do not take him to a boring hymnal type church, that's torture for a kids who doesn't feel called to be there on his own. We go to Celebration Church and since starting, my 15 yr old daughter has recruited about 10 friends, who NEVER would have gone to church and they transformation is awesome. Sure they are going because it's fun, no parents, cute boys/girls, etc, but they are all being fed a message of hope, understanding, peace, acceptance and love. It will penetrate each one of them eventually and I am seeing how it helps each of them make better decisions in their lives. God Bless your family, I pray that you will look back on these times one day with a better horizon. Love him, give him choices, EVERY SINGLE thing that doesn't go his way or priveledge that he doesnt have has to be a direct result of him making the choice, not getting mad at him and taking something away. Internet, phones, cars and money fore for responsible, respectful people and he can earn that.

Ok to start with My own son was alot like yours. But one day he went too far and pushed me. I had him arrested and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. We went to court in fornt of a judge the next morning and the Judge made a ruling of my son moving out of our home and he was still in school. It was the best thing we ever did for him. There was alot of years he was mad at us but now that he is much older he thanks me for the whole thing. Tuff Love is harder on us sometimes.

1. Let him get a job a couple of night a week.
2. You can't make him do things but you can push him out where he has to do it to eat or survive.

He is beyond the point of him respecting you and your family but if he has to sleep outside and is hungry for a few days maybe his mind well change and see that things are so much better at home. Do all this before he goes back to school again.

All teens are becoming worst and worst. Nothing any of us have done...just a fact.
Good Luck

ok so i know you said you did not want to throw him out but girl, DO IT!!! he sees it like "well they won't do anything so i can keep doing what i want!!!"he needs to let the real world hit him!!! he doesn't have any cash?? too bad! he needs a h.s. diploma, go and see what you will do without one?? when he leaves lock everything up and let him see how it is! he wants to act grown up then treat him like a grown up!!! if you don't do this he will be mooching forever!! and legally yes if he is still in school he is still considered a minor. it will be very hard but he will get the picture that you guys are not messing around. hope you really take this into consideration.!!!!

The kid needs a kick in the butt...please go talk with the school counselor. Get some legal advice so you know what rights you and the boy have.
God bless you...all.