46 answers

18 Year Old Out of Control!

I have an 18 year old daughter. She is in 11th grade, she works part time after school. She has no respect for me or my husband (her step dad). I constantly am doing for her, and she shows no appreciation for me at all.She talks to me worse than i would talk to a dog! She goes to school when she wants to!She does very little chores around the house. She had graduation exams today and she would not go to school because she was mad at me!The school called twice to see if she was comming. they told her it was very important that she went, but she still would not go.I dont no want to do with her.I'm scared to kick her out of the house because she would go to her friends that is very bad influence on her. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I've about gone as far as i can! My nerves are shot!!Somene please help me befor i have a nervous break down! thamks

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

hi everyone thanks so much for your advice.Just thought i would let you know what is going on up to today. well i tryed to sit my daughter down to talk to her and let her know how things was going to be, but she would'nt listento anything i had to say, all she would say is "whatever mom". So i had no choice but to tell her to back her stuff.She left for school this morning and i havent seen her since. My son said she went in the office this morning and quit school. So i guess all i can do now is pray, pray and pray some more for her and be here for her if she decides she's ready to respect me and my husband and my house. Please keep us in your prayes.and again thanks so much for your prayers and advice.

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I hate to say it but you are going to have to sit down with her and tell her how it is going to be and find out what is wrong with her.. If you can't get through to her by talking then Tough Love is it. She is going to have to respect you and talk with you in order to grow up. Quit doing things for her and let her do them on her own If she doesn't want to do chores then she needs to pay bills as well as do her own stuff, ie laundry, food, utilities, rent, etc...

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is far too late for her to respect you now. I think you should sit her down and let her have two choices, compromise or move out. As in compromise I mean tell her what you expect of her. It sounds like she has had her way her whole life so it is more than likely not going to do any good. If she chooses to move out then she will have to deal with real life and hopefully realize hers is not so bad. I know as a mother I know it would be hard but I would not let anyone take advantage or disrepect me and my husband to that degree. I, in the same respect would not treat anyone like that. I do believe in "tough love". It may not work but you don't deserve to be treated like a door mat. Good luck with whatever you do.

One question where is dear old dady in all of this. Could she live with her father and would she behaver better there.I would think unless he is not much of a father that he would want her to finshed school too. If there are other kids she is being a bad modal for I would think twice about kicker her out. Yes I would not like the idea of her going to her friends but I would not want her to be a modal that would set my other kids up for trouble too.She migh even grown up if she had to do for herself. Do you think her friends would be there for her.

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D., I can understand some of your problems. I have been employed in the school system for 25 years at a middle school. We have 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th grade students here that act like your eighteen year old. They do not want to come to school and even when they do there are accomodations that have to be made just to satify them.

I am a divorced parent with two biological children and two adopted, ranging from ages 31, 29, 21, 20 (all boys). I did not have all the problems you seem to be having with your daughter, but with the few encounters that I've had with my children I came to this conclusion: When I have made all the provision required as a compassionate, loving and caring christian mother and they could not abide by the rules of my home, they were welcome to leave. The other thing that we as parents don't often think about is that the bible states that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. Rewards have to be earned but sometimes we as parents get in the practice of always being the one whose giving, but our children have a responsibility to us as well as to themselves.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless.

2 moms found this helpful

hi D.
it will get better the same thing happen to me my daughter left she grew up alot now we are all closer than we have ever been and apolized to all the bad she did.
good luck i will pray for you i know u worry idid
T.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear D.,
We had trouble with our son at that age we had to call the cop's and they told us at 18 years old show him the door
that is one sure way for him to grow up. Well he did move out and thing's got better he had to grow up then. He has come a long way since then.

lsd

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that tough love is the best way to go. Tell her what you expect from her, but try not to be confrontational. At 18, she thinks she knows EVERYTHING ( trust me, I was there just a few years ago) and at this point you are going to have to let her learn through experience. My mom told me time and time again that "experience is the best teacher" and boy was she right. I didn't get into any trouble, but I realized that there were so many things I could have just bypassed if only I had listened to my parents. I wouldn't kick her out of the house yet, but if her behavior and her attitude does not get better it may be an option. I always knew that if I did not abide by my parents rules, that I would be out on my behind, but I think you should try to give her time to get it together. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you and your family!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D.:

Since your daughter is 18 now, I think it would be a "wake-up call" to her if you could bear to let go a little---and then NOT bailing her out when she does slip. I too have a teenaged daughter who has always been rebellious and oppositional like that. (These kids are frustrating and very hard to raise, as you and I both know!) She has always been different from her brother----and the things that worked with him as far as discipline goes---never worked with her.

I know from experience that it is the hardest thing in the world to sit back and watch your child walk into mistakes that you could prevent them from walking into! The trouble with this kind of kid is that it takes some hard knocks (and natural consequences) to knock any sense at all into their adolescent brains.

I went through this thing with my daughter back when she was 14 and 15. Her school grades were dismal because she never turned anything in. I tried and tried to tell her the consequenses of this--- and that she would not be allowed to get her driver's permit if her GPA wasn't good enough (naturally she didn't listen to me). I finally gave up and sat back and watched her fail---and then she could not get her permit like all her friends did, then got kicked out of "Honor's English" at school, and also had to go to summer school. Well, low and behold, after that, she hit the books hard and is actually making excellent grades now! (10th grade)

Good luck, hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

D., Thank God my son made it past 18 and is now almost 22. I married his dad when Josh was 9 so most would call me Josh's stepmom. We removed the step long ago. Josh did great in school until he turned 13 then he tried our patience, took it to the limit. His birthmom's family let him get away with lieing and telling tall tales about school and family life and he fed on their anger. I on the other hand had to deal with the teachers and school issues. My ancestory is Cherokee and we believe strongly in respect and honor, even from our children. I sat Josh down and told him stories that had been passed down to me by my dad and grandma. Josh called them lectures. I know he remembers these stories now and lives by them so something does get through. We had progress reports that was sent home every 2 weeks. I would review the reports and would work with Josh on things he was having trouble with. I had to ground him a few times which got harsh feedback from his grandparents but I didn't back down. Josh's dad backed me on every issue. Josh's dad is a burn survivor so he can't speak very loud and it was up to me to do a lot of the talking.

Kim, I know first hand that if you get tough with your daughter and not back down, she will get the message. I never backed down with Josh when it came to an education or when I caught him lieing. At 17 Josh came to me and told me he wanted to join the Army Reserve youth program. Josh's dad is a vietnam era vet, my dad is a WWII and Korean Vet so when Josh said he wanted AR, I told him what his life would be like, what was expected of him and asked if he was ready to give all to his country. We allowed him to join the early program and from the first day, we saw a big change in Josh. He found a new form of motivation and drive. He did one weekend a month away from home, training at his unit. While in school, Josh chose classes that would benefit him with the army. His highest marks came from Middle Eastern History and Military History. Kim, we made it and I know you can too with your daughter.

J. Blue Star Mom and Proud Army Mom

1 mom found this helpful

You have my sympathy. I am your age and have step children 17 and 16. The 16yr old is a boy who is quite rebellious. I have little influence over him b/c I don't see him very much and I am a step parent who doesn't know what my boundaries are. One thing I can say is she's got to abide by your rules. It's your home, she's a child, and you may have to start taking priviledges that mean something to her-away. No car, no extra curricular, no dates, no going out with friends, no money, OR you can do the reverse. If you do X, then I will let you do Y or I will get you Y (bribery). She may try to rebel and do things b/c she has been able to before. It is not too late to be the bad guy, be one before she gets in real trouble.

1 mom found this helpful

STOP DOING FOR HER. If she has a car that you paid for or paying for the insurance, STOP. Take the car away, even if it means losing her job. She needs to learn who's buttering that bread. She is 18 so legally she can be on her own. Sometime you have to let them fall HARD for them to learn lessons. Some kids are just hard headed, like mine and have to learn the hard way. She hanging with her friends whether she is living with them or with you. Sorry this sounds harsh but I have learned the hard way.

1 mom found this helpful

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