May 15, 2012,
A.M. asks from Columbus, OH on August 29, 2010
18 Year Old Daughter - Columbus,OH
My 18 year old daughter is sleeping overnight with a boyfriend. I have told her that this is not acceptable to me and that it is definetly not ladylike. She told me she would not do it again. Then she turns around and says shes going for a little whild and I call at 4:45 am and she answers the phone(which she did not do before) sleepy like and tells me she is on her way. I tell her what is the point at this time of the morning and that she should have taken her clothes with her. I told her she could not be a tramp around me and once again that she was not conducting herself like a lady. All she says is "alright mom". What should I do and am I off track with my reactions?
B.K. answers from Chicago on August 29, 2010
You're going to lose your daughter acting like this mom. Have you sat down with her and chatted about sex and its importance in a relationship and birth control, etc? Or are you just the judge and enforcer? I was 18 once -- in college AND sleeping with my boyfriend at his apartment. I eventually married him. If my mom had called me a tramp.... well I don't know what I would have done. I don't know how you can talk to your daughter like that. What is she supposed to say when she's half asleep and her mother is calling her at 4:45 and calling her names? I would have hung up on you.
The problem is, we don't know what your daughter's story is. Is she a good kid? Is she in high school or college? Does she have a job? Is she respectful to you? Does she help around the house? Could you ask her to leave and support herself if her lifestyle bothers you?
Whatever you do, please stop calling her names. And to all the women on here aghast that an 18-year-old is having sex while still living in her parents' house....seriously? You all need to join the real world.
10 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from Boston on August 29, 2010
She is 18 and an adult and can do what she want if she is on her own. If she is living with you then there are some house rules, but you will not be able to control her when she is out of your sight. The time to guide her is over. But you can certainly have curfew rules for coming home, probably the time that you go to bed so your bedtime is not impacted by her schedule. And having sex at 18 is not early, and she is not a tramp if there is a relationship - in my opinion.
8 moms found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on August 29, 2010
I do not think any situation whatsoever would result in me demeaning my daughter with names like TRAMP.
Your daughter is 18 and of legal age. IF she lives under your roof, yes, she is expected to follow rules but be not be a slave to your controls.
Controlling her, or attempting to, will backfire. Stop and look in the mirror....how would YOU feel if you turn this situation around and you were the one being called names by your mom. Of all the people in the world.....MOM is the one who loves you unconditionally.
Before you talk to your daughter more, sit down, relax, go over your thoughts rationally and think like an adult (Mom).
6 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from Tampa on August 29, 2010
First of all using terms like "tramp" is NOT appropriate for any mother to use. While your daughter's behavior at this age is not acceptable you need to realize at this point, she's at the age where unfortunately we as parents have to start letting go and realizing they HAVE TO make their own mistakes. We had a similar situation with our daughter and no amount of yelling, arguing, etc helped. Set your rules and tell her if she can't abide by them then she needs to find another place to live. It's hard when you're worrying about them because they haven't called - I'm sure there are many parents who've experienced the anxiety as we have. BUT BY NO MEANS should you EVER result to demeaning terms such as tramp, etc. She is still your daughter and even though she is making mistakes, mothers love their children unconditionally and are there are to pick up the pieces when we can as long as we see them LEARN from their mistakes. When they don't and they keep repeating the same mistakes then it's time for tough love to kick in. Unfortunately they all have to go through things and it's tough as a parents to sit by and watch it unravel but that's all a part of becoming an adult.
5 moms found this helpful
P.W. answers from Dallas on August 29, 2010
Okay A., After reading the responses you got I have to say this.....especially to the Mom's that seem to think an 18 year old having sex is a major offense. How many of you had sex before marriage at 16, 17, 18, 19 or 20? My best guess is MOST of YOU. Let's get a reality check here. Would you rather your little girl rush into marriage before she is ready because she thinks that is the only proper way to have sex? Or because she thinks it's the only way to get Mom off her back? I'm not saying to tell our children to go for it, but since the beginning of time kids (and 18 is not exactly a kid) have been having sex. I stick with my original post, but just had to add this.
In my opinion you are certainly entitled to have rules of the house as long as she is living in your house. I back you up on that one. However, I do believe inferring that your daughter is a "tramp" is way off track. I understand, I've said things in anger and anxiety I wish I hadn't, but name calling is never beneficial and can really cause damage. If I were you I would apologize for that remark and explain you were just worried and upset because you love her so much.
A lot of 18 year olds have sex. If your daughter is in a relationship and not just having sex that is better. I wouldn't want my 18 year old to be having sex either and I agree that you tell your daughter you do not want her to have sex, and what your house rules are (no sleepovers). I also think it is reasonable to ask her to find another place to live (without your help) if she cannot comply. BUT, your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. I would tell her that you don't want her to, and tell her why you don't want her to, but I would also say I understand this is ultimately her decision. If she is going to have sex I would offer to get her to a doctor and on birth control.
I'll say this again.....The truth is your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. You can control what you allow in your house, but if you try to control your daugher's actions I fear it will only lead to a decaying of your relationship with her. I doubt that is what you want.
5 moms found this helpful
D.K. answers from Washington DC on August 29, 2010
Your daughter is 18 and is obviously conscious of the fact that legally that makes her an adult and she gets to make her own choices. However, you are also an adult and get to make YOUR own choices and it's time for you to choose that you will not have adult children living with you. If your daughter chooses to assert her adulthood, then you can choose to not allow her to live in your home any more. It's time for her to get her own place, job, car etc.... Maybe she'll be less thrilled about being an adult once she's had to deal with the responsibility of being an adult as well as the perks. If she chooses to straighten out and come back, let her but make sure there are ground rules. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable as long as she's living in your house. Again, if she doesn't like them, she is welcome to get her own place.
Put you foot down.
Edit: Bobbi....really? I personally think that attitudes like yours are the reason that pre-marital sex is okay these days and why teen pregnancy is at an all time high! Calling it the "real world" implies that it's okay just because everyone else is doing it. It's NOT. We all know that deep down. We ALL know that "everyone else is doing it" isn't a valid excuse for unacceptable behavior. If people would stand up for what's right instead of justifying what's EASY then this world would be a better place.
5 moms found this helpful
D.R. answers from New York on August 29, 2010
yikes, your post makes me want to call my mom and apologize! (again) lol..... if it makes you feel any better, that guy is now my wonderful husband of 13 years.... good luck!
4 moms found this helpful
K.E. answers from Jacksonville on August 29, 2010
Unless you chain her up, you cannot control her every move. :) She is old enough to make choices now that you may or may not approve of. We have all been through that stage and nothing our parents said changed our minds. We often don't realize how much we should have listened until later.
If she is having sex, she probably isn't going to stop, regardless of what time her curfew is. It is a reasonable expectation for her to have a set time to be home and I think you need to discuss that expectation with her and set up some consequences. I would also talk about the sex issue and explain that you are there for her if she wants to talk and ask her about birth control options and make sure she has any information she needs.
You CANNOT control her sexual activities and to try is a lose/lose situation. It will only cause a strain on your relationship. The worst thing to do is to react in anger, call her names and strain the relationship. You have to be there for her and you have to accept that she is a young woman now that is capable of making adult decisions, even if you do not approve.
Good luck to you!
Just to add something to think about: I slept over at my boyfriend's house and we were NOT sexually active. We didn't have sex for the first 3 years of our relationship. I was 19 and he was 20 when we had sex for the first time and we have now been together for 11 years and married for 6.
Try to be there for her, so that she'll have the parental support she needs to make wise choices. Good luck to you! Take care!
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