22 answers

17 Year Old Wanting to Spend Way Too Much Time with His Girlfriend!

I need some advice before I do something drastic to hurt my relationship with my 17 year old son! He has had a girlfriend for 6 months now (he is 17, she is 15) and they spend way too much time together. I do know her parents, and am surprised how much time they allow the kids to spend together. They are great parents, but my son is at her house all the time. I want him home more. I told him he has to be home 2 nights a week, but he always makes sure those nights fall when it is impossible for them to be together. I feel like she makes him feel bad for not being with her all the time, but feel like they are being way too grown up for their age. What do you recommend for how much time they should be allowed to spend together? When I was growing up, we weren't allowed to do anything on school nights, weekends only. But I don't want him to despise me - what is reasonable (he is very athletic, so his sports schedule is also affected by his decision to spend so much time with her)

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Sounds like me and my hubby. My parents never tried to keep us apart. Marriage and almost 3 kids later, still looooove him! ;)

4 moms found this helpful

Hey if his grades aren't affected let him. I mean her parents are there. The more you tell him no the more he's going to want to spend time with her.I have a 14yr old that loves spending time with her b/f would daily if it could happen if not talk on phone every day..i'ld rather have it happen where they are monitored than off alone or lying on meeting.. bad things happen that way

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Sounds like me and my hubby. My parents never tried to keep us apart. Marriage and almost 3 kids later, still looooove him! ;)

4 moms found this helpful

My parents had blanket rules- not, you can;t hang our with the boyfriend x amount, but you must be home on school nights unless you are at a sports practice. Friday and saturday night you can stay out until 11 pm and we must know where you are and who you are with.

I think this makes sence - make ground rules that apply to all social activities and then enforce them. If you make it about the girl, it is likely to make him resentful. If you make it about these are the household rules, then he may not like it, but at least you have a real and consistant justification for what you are asking of him. My dad used to tell me "your mother and I don't go out on nights when we have to work the next morning - school is your job." He was trying to show me that this is a habit of responsible adults, not an arbitrary rule.

Good luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

I think you miss your son and would like to spend more time developing your relationship with him as he ages. And I think it's easier to view this as a 'parenting' issue or a 'girlfriend' issue than to own up to the fact that you simply love your son and want to spend more time with him. I think that is beautiful:) Start to look for commonalities that you and he can do for one-on-one time and enjoy your relationship as it changes from parent-child to parent-friend. This new dynamic can seem scary, which is why it's often overlooked in order to view things negatively that are standing in the way of you fostering this relationship with your son.

I'm not sure I'm communicating very well, but if you start to hear yourself saying things like "I never did that" or "when I was your age" or "what's wrong with the girlfriend/her parents/my son"...well, you are going off path and joining forces with....YOUR PARENTS!!!

"I never did that" = of course you didn't, you were your own person with your own experiences, different parents, and different views of self and others.

"When I was your age" = you were never really your children's age entirely...different economy, different pop culture, different trends, different technology, different....this list really goes on and on.

"What is wrong with ____ is..." = you are inserting others into your relationship with your son who have nothing to do with your relationship.

IF you want him to spend less time with his girlfriend, what is it you want him doing? Because he is his own entity, shouldn't he have a say in how he chooses to spend his time?

I'm not saying this to be a butt head...truly! I just think you are close to your son typically and feel less close to him and it hurts because you enjoy being close to him. So set up one day a week...doesn't have to be the same day...where it's mother/son day (although, maybe a different label might seem more appealing to a teen?!).

Have fun with this, get to know him with just you two and get to know him around his girlfriend. Just know he will always have his mama and all the wonderful memories of time spent with you. Girlfriends come and go, but you are a constant. Start prioritizing time for you both (he has no say once per week!) and one day he'll appreciate the constant mama presence...he probably appreciates it now in-between hormonal shifts:)

2 moms found this helpful

What time does he come home during the week nights? Is he doing his homework and overall a good student, etc? If so I wouldn't worry to much, he is almost 18 and just going through a phase. As long as he is heading down a good path that's important.

2 moms found this helpful

Your son is acting like a normal teenager. Why night invite her over for dinner snd a movie. Maybe that way you can get to know her better and spend time with your son.

2 moms found this helpful

My hubby and I were also the same way. I did good in school so my parents never complained. I had to be home by 11 on school nights, weekend no curfew as long as I called and told them where I was and called on my way home. We've been married for 4 years, have 1 child, and still fall more in love each and everyday :)

2 moms found this helpful

I'm totally baffled by these parents. I see teenagers loitering around together all over our town! My babysitter is never available because she's ALWAYS doing something with her boyfriend-even going out of town with his family at 15??!! Doesn't she NEED money? Doesn't she care about working toward college one day with some activities or skills she can have to say for herself other than smooching and talking to her boyfriend all the time? How will that look on a resume or college application form?

I wouldn't even call that grown up, I would call it immature.

He needs a job if he has that much spare time, and you need to let him know in another year he can do whatever he wants, but at 17, your rules. Hanging out once a week with her is PLENTY. If ANYTHING he should be out 2 nights a week (one if it was me) not only home that many.

I was always home after work, exhausted, by the time I finished homework and eating, I was zonked. Boyfriend time was not on the menu. I saved up a lot of money toward college and paid for my own gas when I borrowed my parents car and bought all my own clothes and paid for my own leisure activities, albums, concerts, whatever. Not having a job? Not an option.This was before cell phones, but I definitely would have had to pay for that.

Not only did I have to spend every idle hour outside of school in school activities or working (I always had a job if not 2 or 3) during high school, I wasn't allowed any "hanging around time with a boyfriend". I had to see him out and about at public gatherings, the occasional movie we were separately picked up from, and when we were both grocery baggers, I saw him at work and church. Tough cookies.

I don't think I EVER hung out at a boyfriend's house or had one over-or WANTED to! We liked to get away from the parents on the rare spare time together we had. My parents were NOT worried about being despised (and they weren't). Just because kids want to hang around together constantly, doesn't mean they should. It's a lot of wasted time even if it doesn't lead to pregnancies etc.

2 moms found this helpful

Hey if his grades aren't affected let him. I mean her parents are there. The more you tell him no the more he's going to want to spend time with her.I have a 14yr old that loves spending time with her b/f would daily if it could happen if not talk on phone every day..i'ld rather have it happen where they are monitored than off alone or lying on meeting.. bad things happen that way

2 moms found this helpful

Part of it is what it is--they are wrapped up in each other. However, part of may be that she doesn't feel welcome (or your son thinks you won't welcome her) at your house.

Can you try to make them both feel more welcome at your home? Part of it could be the girl's parents--they would rather have her at home and have him come over (under their watchful eye) than have her go over to your house (she is not your daughter, so even though you'd check on them/have house rules, they probably feel it's not the same as if they were watching/checking... especially with her being 15 & him 17.)

I would talk to the other parents, and just find out what the rules are there about visits, and let them know that you want to make the kids feel more welcome at your house, but want the parents to also feel comfortable with that, so you want to see if your rules and theirs are in sync (they don't have to be, but it could help).

Then, extend the invite for the kids to come over to your house. Have dinner or offer to set plates aside for them (if the gf feels awkward about eating at your place, or whatever), and let them you want to see them both, and get to know her a little better and make sure she feels more welcome. Let them know that the big screen TV is free on X night for movies (or some other such enticement).

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is normal for a 17 year old to be like that. However, if you want him to be at home more maybe you should try being more welcoming to her, invite her over for dinner. At this age he will listen to what she says, so it would be a good idea to let her know that you would want them to spend time at your house also. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Didn't read all the responses but maybe the reason they spend a lot of time at her house is that her parents feel the same way you do, so their rule is they can hang out if it's at her house? Or maybe they want to make sure they spend time together supervised? My BF and I spent all our free time together when I was a teen. Granted, neither of us had a lot of free time - I danced and he played football. But if we had a night free, we always hung out, whether it was a date just the two of us or whether it was with all our friends. He sounds like a pretty normal 17 YO to me. :)

My one piece of advice is not to force him to spend time with you. He will resent it and just want to be with her more. Do some of his favorite things without him and then talk about how fun it was. He'll want to join in next time.

1 mom found this helpful

I think like many others that his behavior is very normal, most of my friends have teens and they are constantly with their bf/gf. At least he is at a house with adults present not just hanging out somewhere. Maybe tell him you would like her to come to your home at least once a week for dinner. I know when I was a teen my bf (now husband) and I use to hang out at my house most of the time because that is where we felt most welcomed, his mom hasn't always been the most inviting and I often felt like I was not real welcome at her house so just make sure she feels welcomed at your house too. I would definitely make sure you have had the sex talk and he know the importance of condoms! I would also make a curfew during the week of 10 or 11 with homework done or earlier if getting it done is a problem. Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a 17 year old also and he's home all the time. I wouldn't allow him to spend so much time with any friend especially a 15 year old girl. I believe it's okay to set some boundaries. He needs guidance now more than ever. He doesn't predict the consequences of his actions as well as he would if they were both older and you don't want him making any mistakes that will affect him for the rest of his life. If they were both 19, that would be totally different. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I read some of the post then decided that noone has ever been a teen before. Your son is pushin 18 and if ya dont watch it he will never want to see you again. Like one poster said, if his grades are ok and he is not dropping out of sports for this girl then there is no problem. The only thing is making sure her parents are there. If they are gonna have sex, they will find a way. You need to make sure he knows that if he gets her pregnant that his life will take a drastic turn. I think that the parents of the 15 yr old should be more concerned than you. Dont push him away cuz it wont be pretty if you do. I have a 14 yr old son and I talk to him daily about his school and sports and that a girl can ruin that in an instant. But I dont have to worry about him yet cuz he cant drive. Good luck and just talk talk talk to him.

1 mom found this helpful

my son has been dating his g/f for a year and was 17 when he started dating her. She is a year younger. They spend more time at our house than hers but they both know they are welcome at both houses and usually depends on what is going on at our house and why they spend more time here than at hers. I think she prefers coming over to our house because she is an only child and likes to be with all our kids plus we have other teens over all the time. They are together every chance they get. I am glad that they prefer to be home either at our house or her house and when they go out they usually go out with other friends so they aren't alone very often. He has a very busy schedule with college, work, and very involved in church and helps with the youth group. They do all the church activities together and he usually sees her for a few hours as many days a week as he can. Sometimes there are 1 or 2 days a week that he doesn't see her and other weeks he sees her everyday.

This is normal, You need to encourage your son to have her over at your house so you can spend time with them. At this age he may be serious and end up marrying her in 3-5 years so you don't want to cause the relationship to be strained where you will regret it the rest of your life.

1 mom found this helpful

He sounds like a 17 year old boy who is in love for the first time! I never wanted to be at home either when I was in love as a teenager! Are his grades good? Has he given up all of his athletics or just decided to let some things slide? If he's not messing up, then I wouldn't say too much. You should certainly tell him that they need to hang out at your house for dinner and homework or whatever at least 2 nights per week. He doesn't always have to be at her house.

Also -please make sure you or your husband have had an honest sex talk with him. By honest, I mean realistic and no telling him he needs to wait until marriage. Make sure the talk includes the importance of condom usage! It also includes the important, but sad, fact that some girls will lie about being on the pill or something and trap guys -especially if things are starting to go south in a relationship. If he and this girl decide to go "there" then they need to discuss what would happen if a pregnancy occurred.

1 mom found this helpful

I would try to get her over to your house more often. Then you can keep doors open to hear what is going on and get to know her better. I would just start asking him about things in the future to get him thinking about other things. What college do you want to go to? How are we going to pay for that? Where can you get a job? What does your sports team need from you lately? What do you want to do for a career? can we connect you with some people that do that job. Just kick start other things in his life , instead of complaining about her. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Are his grades good? Is he an over all good kid?

It is hard to want him just because.. If there was more of a reason. You need him to do chores, help with a project, work on his homework..

Maybe you should have have her over at your house.. Make it easier for him to want her their with you guys.. All of you can have dinner watch videos, play board games etc..

Assuming that SHE makes him feel guilty when he cannot be over there.. tells me a little about your feeling for her.. In honesty, it was my husband that always wanted to be at MY house when we dated in high school.. His mother was always and still assumes, I am the one that makes him do things when in reality HE is the one, that did not want to be at his parents house.. He loved being at my house because my mom was always nice to him. When we were at his house his mom acted all jittery, nervous and acted like she wished I was not there.

FYI, I we have been married almost 30 years and I now no longer speak with MIL because of her assumptions about me even after all of these years..

1 mom found this helpful

I wouldn't allow him over there that much. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down. We also were only allowed out on school nights or maybe once a week for just a few hours only, but had to be back within 2-3 hours of school getting out.

Updated

I wouldn't allow him over there that much. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down. We also were only allowed out on school nights or maybe once a week for just a few hours only, but had to be back within 2-3 hours of school getting out.

You are the parent and should do what you think is best for him regardless of how he feels about you. If he despises you or is angry at you - he will get over it. I know it's tough - but you have to do what is right, be his mother not his friend. Good luck.

Can you get her parents on board first? I would NOT want my daughter spending that much time with a boyfriend. Frankly, I would have told him to go home and he could see her on the weekends only.

Well, I wish I had the answer, but there's comfort in the fact that I came here because I had the exact same question. My son is 18 and he spends nearly every night at his girlfriends house. He used to be here all the time with his friends - now I never see him. She lives across town and she doesn't drive - it's too expensive for him to drive over to get her, bring her here, then bring her home again. So, I completely understand why they are there all the time, but I'm torn.....I want to spend more time with him, but I don't want to just push him away by forcing him to spend some time at home.

I like some of the ideas of just asking for 1 night a week. The other issue is that he needs to get a job. I talked to him about how I was feeling and he promised that after he gets a job and can afford the gas, he will bring her over more, but....the job thing isn't happening either ;-)

It's so hard to know when to push, and when to understand that it's their journey and we need to just be there for them when they need us. My boyfriend thinks I need to make him spend less time with her, but I just don't know if I feel I have the right to do that.

It's so confusing and sad - I miss him. We've always had what I felt was a great relationship. He used to talk to me a lot about his relationship and he doesn't at ALL now. They've been together over a year and now - he's built such a strong relationship with her family that makes me sad too.

Anyway - would love to commiserate more.

Mel

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