38 answers

17 Year Old Son

my 17 year old son and his girlfriend live with me and my hubby and 12 year old daughter, they are always putting me and my husband down no matter what we do for them. he recently decided he was going to job corps, which will be good for him . but everytime i try to put his 22 year old girlfriend out of my house he says if i do it he will leave too. they live here rent free even though we have asked for rent , and they eat all the food, and won't help replace any of it, even though she works at walmart , he refuses to get a job until he goes to job corps, they fight all the time, and they are just down right rude. they won't even clean up their own messes .my husband and i fight all the time because of them and their rudeness . so what do i do ,i need some help and some advice here . What do i do ?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

ok since i posted this my 17 year old and his girlfriend have been put out of my house. and i am calling to find about if he got all his paper work done for job corps and if it all got turned in . but i have stated to him if he comes home he is to be without her, he will be 18 in a month so after that he is on his own.if he wants help from me and dad he has to help hisself like gettin a job and i am not gonna put up with his crap anymore. i am fed up with them. his girlfriend acted like she was 2 when we talked about this and when i said she had to go , "oh my gosh what a fit was thrown" she screamed and when i packed her stuff out of my house and put it in her car i thought she was gonna have a heart attack. the police here wouldn't help us because she isn't on the lease and because we didn't have an agreement of any kind so they told me to put her stuff out of my house so i did.but i wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you that helped me and gave me wonderful advice.but i do want to give everyone who lives in kentucky the heads up the age of consent is 16 in kentucky i found that out when i tried to have his girlfriend arrested. and i also want everyone to know i didn't let her live here she moved in one day when we were gone and we have been tryin to get her out of here every since then.

Featured Answers

He threatens that if you kick her out that he will leave too? hahahaha!! He has no job! Where would they go? If he is not in school, he has 3 choices...
start taking classes
get a job and pay for rent and expenses
get out

If you allow someone to live rent free, not pay any expenses, and you clean up after them when they leave a mess, what motivation do they have to change?

Why is a 22 year old dating a 17 year old? Isn't having sex with him illegal?

6 moms found this helpful

I have been there (almost) while its hard to do, it might be time for some tough love. Lay down the law and tell them to get with the program or get out. Let him know you love him dearly but this behavior is unacceptable especially with a 12 year old in the house. Good Luck

3 moms found this helpful

No disrespect, but if he has so much mouth as to what he can and cannot do, then he needs his own domain to run. They can buy their own food, pay their own rent and run it how they want to. But IMO, if they are living with you rent free, and can talk to you like that, you are allowing them to get away with abusing you on account of what? I could understand if they are typical young people being messy, etc, but humble enough to accept the graces you offer, but the fact that he is rude, doesn't warrant him living there, and rent free at that.

2 moms found this helpful

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If your 17 year old son is old enough for a 22 year old girlfriend...then they are old enough to live on their own and support themselves. They will only continue to do what you ALLOW them to do.

You and your husband need to get on the same page, set some house rules and a deadline. They can either contribute to the household...or they can get out.

I can imagine it is much more difficult to deal with this when it is your own child (versus when I dealt with my stepchild)...but there are clearly some boundaries missing in your household.

9 moms found this helpful

My God, you are a saint!
My advice is to kick her out. And if he goes, he goes. It sounds like they both need a slap of reality.
And maybe, just maybe, the reality of them being on their own will be too much for their relationship. Which honestly does not sound like a bad thing.

9 moms found this helpful

He threatens that if you kick her out that he will leave too? hahahaha!! He has no job! Where would they go? If he is not in school, he has 3 choices...
start taking classes
get a job and pay for rent and expenses
get out

If you allow someone to live rent free, not pay any expenses, and you clean up after them when they leave a mess, what motivation do they have to change?

Why is a 22 year old dating a 17 year old? Isn't having sex with him illegal?

6 moms found this helpful

Here is what you do: you show the young lady the door and stick to it. Throw her out, and if she will not leave, call the cops and have them remove her from your home.
Before you do this sit down with your son and lay down the law. This is your house and if he feels oh so adult to move out, he will not see a single penny from you. If his car is in your name, get the keys from him. He is welcome to live in your house and be a productive member of your family ALONE - if he chooses otherwise he will have to fend for himself. If he is not productive, you only provide the bare minimum for him (food, clothes and a place to sleep).
You are not doing him a favor by letting the two of them trample on your family... it also sets a REALLY bad precedence for your 12 year old... so you want her to go down that same road?
Get that woman out of your house, she is poisoning your family!
I bet once she is gone, even if he initially leaves, he will be knocking back at your door within a short time. If they fight all the time, my guess is that she will drop him pretty fast once he can no longer offer the the sweet life in your home.
Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful

I'm not as concerned about the 22 vs. 17 year old issue...what will be will be, and the situation you're in sucks, no matter how you got there.

I worry about your 12 year old daughter. What kind of influence is all this having on her? I don't think this situation is in her best interest - the fighting, the example your son and his girlfriend are setting, the precedent YOU'RE setting by letting this happen in your house...

I would tell your son that his girlfriend has to move out. And if your son goes with her, let him go with love. The only way he is going to learn is to go out there into the big bad world and try to fend for himself. It's hard to watch our children go, and maybe fail, but it's what's best for him. Time to read up on codependency, and live your own life and raise your daughter.

4 moms found this helpful

Tough love. Tell her there's the door... If he goes too, he will learn a lesson, and if he really needs a place to stay, he'll come back. You need to make him understand the rules and expectations of your household and he needs to stick to them. I know it's hard, you need to take care of the rest of your family before it falls apart. Take care.

4 moms found this helpful

I have been there (almost) while its hard to do, it might be time for some tough love. Lay down the law and tell them to get with the program or get out. Let him know you love him dearly but this behavior is unacceptable especially with a 12 year old in the house. Good Luck

3 moms found this helpful

So why do you let them stay there? I'm not sure that I understand your question and why you keep letting rude people who are pretending to be adults live at YOUR home for free eating up YOUR food???

Just because he is 17 doesn't mean you can't kick him out...

I was always told "If you want to act like an adult, then you can act like an adult somewhere else..."

3 moms found this helpful

when i was 18 years old I had a place of my own, my own car and paid all of my own expenses. I had a good job and did not mooch off my mother. He needs to grow up and not allow his "22" year old gf to treat HIS family that way. If she does not want to help out and pay her way she needs to go and if your son goes he goes. there has only been one time in my adult life that i had to stay with family and that was after my first husband past away and i wanted to save up money and that only took 7 months. If you keep letting this happen to you, you and your husband will continue to argue and it will only get worse. Good Luck

3 moms found this helpful

Teenagers and their baggage! What drama! First off know that you are a commendable mother for putting up with this situation as long as you have. This is not easy. The damage is done, this girl won't leave and it is affecting your relationship with your husband and who knows what kind of impression this is all leaving your 12yr old daughter. Lay down the rules, pay rent, help with groceries every two weeks (at least) and pick up the mess (you are not a maid or housekeeping). Set up deadlines and dates when chores need to be met and groceries need to be pick up by. If these dates and deadlines are not met, let them know they will need to find a place of their own. It may hurt for a while and may be the most difficult decision you make, but at times, letting go teaches the most valuable life lessons of all. He (or they) continue this trend with you because they know they can get away with it. Teenagers are sly in these matters and don't even realize how good they have it. Perhaps your son need to learn that money does not grow on trees and although you are hear to support him emotionally, you are not mandated to support him financially. And he appears to have his own guidelines and rules that seem to fit his lifestyle but not yours. Don't accept it in your household. Let her go and if he wishes to follow, let him. At some point he will realize what you have done for him and what a mistake he has done and will come back to mamma. You have done more than most of us would do. Pray for patience and strength and for his well being.

3 moms found this helpful

If you don't get this taken care of very soon then you will be dealing with this same issue in a few years with your now 12 yr old. Kick the girlfriend out & if he goes so what. Then you give your 12 year old a big hug & tell her what a horrible decision you made by allowing the girlfriend to move in. We all make mistakes in life but now it's time to crack down & give your son some tough love. Let him know that you love him & don't want him to go but if he wants to play house he can't do it under your roof & in front of his little sister. Do NOT give him a penny to move out, for rent, for gas, cellphone, food, gas, etc. Please do this now for the sake of your young impressionable daughter & for your marriage.

3 moms found this helpful

How about your poor 12 year old? I would kick them both out; are you really helping them out or just aiding to their laziness. Get them out before your 12 year old learns some bad habits!

3 moms found this helpful

I don't understand how you allowed an adult (a 22 year old) to move into your home with a minor (your son). But let's move past that, and deal with the situation as it is now.

He's 17 so he's your responsibility until he's 18, which hopefully is very soon. I can understand your wanting him in your home until that time.

However, during this time you provide him with the necessities only, food, basic clothing, and shelter. You give him NO money what so ever for any reason. You take away anything that you're paying for, cell phone, car, etc.

You need to set very strict rules and you need to demand that they be followed. My house, my rules. These rules include rent, a list of daily and weekly chores, respecting you and your husband, and whatever you feel is necessary and appropriate. Put it all in writing and have them sign it and you sign it too. It's a contract. If they break the contract they're out. It's that simple.

You explain to your son that he will always be welcome in your home to visit or to live, but it MUST be under your rules. Don't be afraid to let hime leave, in the long run it'll be the best thing for him. He needs to grow up. After discovering how difficult it is out on his own, if he does come back home, it'll be with a new view/perspective.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

first off a 22 year old woman has NO business being with a 17 year old boy. kick her OUT. like the others said, talk to your son beforehand, if he goes, he goes. he will probably be back. but stick to your guns. your being "nice" to her is destroying your family. why would you continue being "nice" to someone who is poisoning your family? no way...you can do this. boot her.

2 moms found this helpful

If he is adult enough to have a 22 yr old girlfriend, then he is old enough to understand that it's a hard world out there and there are consequences for one's behaviors. Even though it's REALLY hard, the best thing you can do as a parent is set some boundaries. No doubt it's going to be a little ugly - they sound like they are manipulative and have a huge sense of entitlement. If it were me, I would tell the girlfriend that she needs to leave asap - if he chooses to go with her, then that becomes his decision. You can always bide your time until he is 18 -

2 moms found this helpful

No disrespect, but if he has so much mouth as to what he can and cannot do, then he needs his own domain to run. They can buy their own food, pay their own rent and run it how they want to. But IMO, if they are living with you rent free, and can talk to you like that, you are allowing them to get away with abusing you on account of what? I could understand if they are typical young people being messy, etc, but humble enough to accept the graces you offer, but the fact that he is rude, doesn't warrant him living there, and rent free at that.

2 moms found this helpful

kick her out, all you are doing is enabling their behavior. tell him to grow up and help out, or he can leave too

2 moms found this helpful

Your house=Your rules. Why should your 12 yo listen to you when these two don't? Time for a little tough love, mama. It's going to be now or later, so why not now? Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

The girl needs to go, and your son needs to watch his mouth. Once he is 18, he pays rent. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

You have got to be kidding. You are allowing them to treat you this way and to my mind it is shocking.

She needs to go. If he wants to follow, let him. You are clearly not having any influence on him, so why does it matter that he stays at home? Are you concerned that it will harm the relationship between the two of you? He's already doing that! And to make matters worse, he's damaging your relationship with your husband.

Is it just that you want to know what he's doing and that he's all right? He's not doing all right! Your "baby" is gone. It's time to stop babying him. He needs to see what it's like to have to depend on himself.

What kind of example is this setting for your 12 year old? Not only is that a very impressionable age, but siblings can be one of the biggest influences on how a child behaves. By allowing this, you are setting the tone and a precedent for your daughter to treat you like a door mat in the future.

I don't know the legal issues in your state, however if he leaves and you really don't want him to, at his age you may be able to have him picked up as delinquent and brought home. It is something to consider, particularly if you are legally responsible for him until he is 18.

This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship with him if that is something that is concerning you. Just because you don't accept his lifestyle doesn't mean you can't connect with him. My 19 year old dropped out of high school three months before graduation. He went to visit my parents over the summer, met a girl (she was pregnant when they met).He eventually moved in with her and her disabled father. Now he just babysits her child while she works. Do I approve of his behavior? No. Does he like the fact that I cut him off financially? No. But I still call him regularly to see how he is doing and just to talk. I don't like his lifestyle so we just don't talk about it!

I suspect you know what you need to do. You just can't bring yourself to do it.

1 mom found this helpful

Why don't you let him leave? Is there a law in your state? He says he will leave, too. Well, it is painful to see our children go but that is exactly how I went into the world, at the age of seventeen and had to figure out how to live. I did it. I am a homeowner, have two sons myself and I do not like hearing how your son treats such a kind mom. If he is threatening you with that, call his bluff. Funny how that works. Offer to send along a set of dishes. There is no reason why he should live with you under these circumstances and he needs to grow up. And he will still love you and still return and visit and he will learn a lot along the way. You would not permit someone else into your home to treat you like that. That is enabling him to do nothing not helping him. We are put here help our children grow up, and move along in their lives not to be their best friend. It might evolve along the way, but now you need his respect and he is not giving it to you so put her out and I'll still bet he'll help her pack her bags or go with her. She could take care of him.
Just read your final post! Good for you!

1 mom found this helpful

I think the first step would be to kick the girl friend out and it the son goes then change the locks. It is time for them to grow up and as long as you let them live off of you they will. Sometimes life can be the best teacher and they need to experience some. There is no way that your young daughter needs to see this.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear Sissy,

It is about time for you and your husband to practice TOUGH love with your 17 year old. Please remember that you are also teaching by example to your 12 year old.

Act like you are in charge, beacause you are the Parents, your 17 year old needs to learn consequences for his actions. Ideally, we need to teach this to our children from a young age. It is NOT too late, please start now.

If he is irresponsible and dis-respectful to you and your husband, show his the door, and let him learn on his own.

Be lovingly firm and do what you need to do.

N.

1 mom found this helpful

A few thoughts come to mind. First of all, you are helping the situation continue by making it so easy for them to stay with you. They appear to be a terrible example to your 12 year old, who is observing, and learning about relationships and how she can treat you as well. (to quote Dr. Phil-"You teach people how to treat you." )And more importantly, it's hurting your marriage and family life. I am sure you are trying to help your son, hoping he won't make mistakes that will forever alter his life, but sometimes the only way for people to learn is to make the mistakes themselves and have to learn and grow from them. The decisions you have to make are heartbreaking for a parent, but your 17 y/o can't be in control here. Maybe once faced with living on his own, he'll recognize the destructive, and immature choices he is making, on the other hand maybe not, but it's not worth the expense of your relationship with your spouse or your impressionable 12 year old. Good Luck!

i would kick them out and trust me job corp will break this attitude he has.he can get into job corp every tues that start a class. my son has been there trust me on this.

Sissy,

You and your husband need to sit down with them and have a mature conversation. All four of you sit down at the same time and you and your husband need to set some guidelines. If your son wants to get angry and not have a mature conversation then they can leave at that moment. Give the girlfriend a date on when she needs to be out of your house. If your son threatens to go as well...show him some tuff love and let him go. (Believe me with no job he will be back without her!) The door can always stay open for your children. It's abnormal that the girlfriend feels comfortable staying there after you have tried to put her out. Although your son is 17 and you are still responsible for him until he turns 18, he really needs to experience life out on his own. If not, he will never respect your home or you and your husband. If they want to make messes, not clean up after themselves, eat all the food, and fight in front of your 12year old daughter, they need to do all that in the privacy of their own apartment. You are going to worry about him... but we will always worry about our children. We worry about them the moment they are born. This situation is not a healthy lifestyle for all of you. Not only does it put a strain on you and your husband’s marriage, think about what this is doing to your 12year daughter. She is watching/listening and taking all of this in. You need to show her that you love her and her brother but this kind of behavior is not tolerated/accepted in your house. If your son wants to support a 22year women, he needs to have a job bottom line regardless of where he is going. There is no excuse for that. If he wants to ridicule his support line then CUT IT OFF! He will come to his senses and realize that everything you have done for him is hard to come by these days. Give her a week/date to get out of your house and YOU HAVE TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS! This way, there should not be any hard feelings when she leaves and her & your son know that you are serious and you are not putting up with this any longer. Try not help them financially, you have this whole time and neither one of them respect it. Good luck to you and get back control of YOUR household.

Kick 'em out. As long as they're under your roof (esp. without paying for anything), they need to do what you say; if they refuse, you refuse to house and feed them. Simple, but difficult to do. They'll grow up one way or another -- either by living within your rules and in your house, or by living on their own and finding out how difficult life really is.

Mom, please don't have hurt feelings over my answer. You have let your boy believe he's a man by letting his girlfriend move in and co-habitate. So he's playing house, but he has no responsibility. You have put him in the pecking order of an "equal" to you in the household.

His girlfriend is supposed to be an adult at her age, but why should she "woman up" when her living situation is free? She isn't required to have any respect for you because you allow her to live with your underage son. I'm not sure what you expected when you allowed this living arrangement to occur, but in essence you are enabling them to treat you the way they are treating you.

You have to put your foot down with your husband and tell the girl she has to go. Let your son go with her as he has threatened.

What you've allowed in your home in front of your 12 year old is really terrible, Mom. You didn't say in your question why you brought this grown woman in your home - for your daughter's sake, you've got to move her out. It's a sure-fire way for your 12 year old to end up either pregnant or sexually active very early, with this kind of example provided by her parents in her own home. And if you think that she's not going to talk to you like this in a few years, you're very naive.

Don't wash their clothes, don't buy them food. Eat out for a while without them. Throw all their messes in the room they share, and give them a deadline. Then change the locks and don't let them in. Put their stuff in boxes and put them outside. Tell them it's coming - do it. Your son needs a wake-up call.

Good luck - you're going to need it!
D.

its time to kick them out. 17 is old enough to make choices and hes making choices that arnt working for you all so time for them to go!

Read Dr. Kevin Lehman's book "How to have a new kid by Friday".

hi, i must first say that i feel sad for your 12 year old. your son doesn't care about anyone but himself right now. kinda normal. i would put the girl out and if he leaves with her ( i think he can legally do that at 17 in ky) let him go. i bet it won't be long before he comes home alone. also i wonder if he was rude and fateful before the girl. she may be puttin this stuff in his head. hey, she gets free everything. she has it made at your familys expense. you need to put yours your husband and 12 yr olds need first and formost. please don't let your 12 yr old think that this is normal. good luck and god bless you. R. p.s. do you plan on having your daughters boy friends living in the house when she is a little older? at this rate she is going to hit you with "whats the differance" she needs to she good morals. please help her.

Honey, they need to leave. Help pack their bags and show them the door. Wish them luck and be done with it. Call it tough love. Good luck!

WHY do you want him to STAY??

My goodness, who is the boss around there??? People will treat you the way you let them treat you. I would give the girlfriend 30 days to get out. Give a date so that you have something to look forward to and so that they don't think you just sent them out to starve. I would sit him down first and later her if you feel you need to. I would explain to him that you are very disappointed in him and how he has turned out. You are hurt that he would not only use you and your husband (not sure if it is his father) but that he would disrespect you the way he has. I would tell him that this is not the child you raised and that if he is going to live under your roof, he is going to follow by your rules. I don't know why that girl can't live on her own but it is about time. If they were married or had a child together, that is one thing, but just a girlfriend who is FIVE years older and works...no way! You are enabling them to be lazy and rude! You may wonder why your son has turned out that way but surely you don't wonder why he continues to do it. You are allowing it! I am sorry you are having to go through this but it is not too late to get rid of the girl and your son will have chores and rules or he can go to the job corp now!

If you put her out.....2 things can happen, he can stay under your rules (unless he's paying the mortgage, he doesn't get to make the decisions) or he can go with her. If he goes with her, where are they going to go? Well, they probably need to figure that out for themselves. Once they're out, change the locks, if he decides he wants to come back, he comes alone and he comes under your rules.

Thay can oly do it if you allow it. If you let them stay rent free, they will, if you let them be rude to you, they will. If you let them eat everrything, they will. If you pick up after them, they'll let you. Seems to me that they're acting more like spoiled children than adults.

You are setting a very poor example for your younger child by letting a 12 year old see them treat you that way. You and your husband need to call a family meeting. Present a united front and be firm. All family members should be in attendence. Tell the girlfriend that it's time for her to go. If your son says he's going with her, it's a good life lesson -- better learned now than later. If he wants to come back, it will be under different circumstances. It's never going to get any easier.

BTW, what are your plans if they're still living with you and they get pregnant?

Kick her out and if sonny wants to go with her let him. See ya...let's see where else they can live rent free and eat for free.

Go to court and get an eviction order, saying you have 30 days to either start paying an agreed upon rent, or they can get out. Job Corps should have already sent notice when he is due to go. Normally, within a month of signing up (at least when I went) I was on my way. I'd check to see if he even signed up for JC.

Depending on where you live, see that after the 30 day period has expired, can you get him (and his little girlfriend, too) for trespassing. If you want to really be nasty, since she is living there, see if you cannot garnish her wages.

I think that after those two kids get a dose of reality, they'll either straighten up and fly right, or they will fall on their faces. Either way, they will end up in need. Then you should sit them both down, draw up a fair lease, and they can either sign it, or they can look for another place where the landlord will not only boot their behinds out, but sue for remaining time due, money for damages, and keep their deposit.

It may sound harsh, but I think they both are counting on your kind heart not to boot them out, take them to court, etc.

They are not learning any responsibility right now, and if they do not learn it now, they will suffer for it later. Good luck.

mall apt. and helped them move. then i changed my house locks. let me know how it ____@____.com

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