October 24, 2011,
M.R. asks from Webster, NY on October 25, 2010
17 1/2 Yr Old son...girlfriend Pregant
Yes i just got the dreaded" my girlfriend is pregnant nightmare".... I'm so hurt... i was very open with my son and his girlfriend about birth control. I can't help but think...she really wanted this. She is adopted herself.. her adoptive mother passed and it is her and her adoptive father he's in his 60's. She is heavy set and isn't very good in school. She "says" she wants to bee a nurse but she doesn't have the drive or ambition. My son has told me straight out he is going to make this work and he will work as hard as he has to, and I know he will. I have tried to talk to them about adoption but neither is receptive. My fear.... my son wil be in some dead end jobs the rest of his life to support her and the baby. He will give of any chance for a good education, job and happiness. What can I do? I'm lost....Ironically I have my own daycare and have been on the daycare end of many young couples/single parent families. I have seen first hand what being a young parent can and will do... Do I accept this? Do I kick him out? I do not want to be a grandmother!
2 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
OMG!!!! I have been crying for the last hour reading all your reponses! THANK YOU.... THANK YOU...beyound words...!! Honestly.. everyone of you had such true and valid points!! Once I calm down... I'm going to sit with my son.. and hear really hear what he has to say...I like the ideaa of babysitting as long as they both are in school and have jobs. I agree also they need to stay in each of their own homes...where does the baby stay? I guess we will figure it all out.... thank you from the bottom of my heart for all ...all your wonderful words of love and care! grandma :)
M.D. answers from Washington DC on October 25, 2010
I was pregnant with my first at 19. My parents were nothing but supportive, disappointed, but noting but supportive. It would have killed me if they ever even brought up the word adoption. I would suggest that you be there for both of them as much as you can. Since you do a home day care, you can watch the baby while they both work to better themselves for the baby. It is far from impossible to be successful and a young parent. (I make a much higher salary than many people I know and am only 27, been married for 6 years and have 3 kids...the youngest is 3). So just because they are doing this young, does not mean they cannot make it. Please do not try to force them to do anything. Be there for them and support them in anyway possible.
5 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from Dallas on October 25, 2010
Since you do daycare, you could watch the baby while they are at school. Tell them that daycare will be free as along as they do good in school. You could also discuss the birth control shot or IUD with them.
3 moms found this helpful
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L.M. answers from Dover on October 25, 2010
Kicking him out will not make you not become a grandmother. Kicking him out will do nothing but alienate him. He is almost a legal adult (even if not independent). They need all the love and support they can get right now.
It is great that he is willing to step up to take care of his child. I would caution him that he can be there for his child but she should be as well.
1 mom found this helpful
S.B. answers from Dallas on October 25, 2010
I can't imagine the hurt and anger this is causing you. You ask if you should accept it. In my opinion you have to. This genie can not go back in the bottle. What's done is done. Whether you want to be a grandmother or not is a moot point, the baby will be here in 9 months or so. Now it's time to work on plan b. You may choose to give into the anger. What good would this ultimately accomplish? He'd have no support system. Without guidance and support he will definitely end up at dead end jobs. The odds are stacked against them, there is no doubt. But it is possible to set goals and be successful, even with a baby in tow. The road is just a little tougher for them now. I have a cousin who had a baby at 16. She was the "trouble maker" in the family, no one was really surprised. Her mom could not help financially, but helped emotionally. Helped her carve a path. 14 years later she has her masters degree and is living a happy, fulfilled life. She did not stay with her daughter's father, but the father is still actively involved in the daughter's life. Not every scenerio of teen pregnancy ends on the welfare line. Give yourself some time to grieve. Some time to be angry, hurt and disappointed. Then it's time to help your son, remember love is unconditional. GL to you and your family!
9 moms found this helpful
T.M. answers from Philadelphia on October 25, 2010
I got pregnant when i was 18. Please do not assume that she did this on purpose. Mistakes happen. Women of all ages have "accidents". Please do not continue to talk about adoption. You have mentioned it. They know that it is an option. My daughter will be 15 in dec, i STILL rememeber my parents mentioning adoption. It stings.
I want to let you know that it can work out just fine. My husband and i did not get to go to college. (i had a dorm and was already registered) My husband now has a pretty decent job for a very good company. (i am a SAHM...have been for a few years) I got a nice apartment when i found out i was pregnant. My then boyfriend moved in. We got married. We both worked very hard. We bought a house by 23 ish. We have four beautiful daughters.
It was not easy. It is still not easy. We work our butts off. It is worth it :) We have been together 16 years and are growing closer everyday. I really need you to know that it is not always a sad story. I am sure that you have raised your son well. You can help guide him along the way. They can do this. Don't worry.
9 moms found this helpful
M.H. answers from Detroit on October 25, 2010
Why would you kick him out at a time when he needs you the most? When you get to be a grandmother is not your decision, and it sounds like it's going to happen whether you like it or not.
Also, whether "she really wanted this" or not it does take two to tango and he is just as responsible as she is for the consequences of their actions.
I think right now your son needs your support to be the best parent he can be while still making something of himself, it's not impossible in the situation he's in as long as he has the love and support of his family.
8 moms found this helpful
M.J. answers from Dover on October 25, 2010
I don't understand why one of your first questions is whether or not you should kick your son out. Based on several of the comments in your post it sounds like this is being turned into something being done to you instead of the reality which is a situation your son has gotten himself into. Whether you want to be a grandmother, ready or not, here it comes! I totally understand feeling like this, but you need to put that aside when you're trying to help your son because it's not the bigger issue.
Like some of the other posters, I agree it is not your son's responsiblity to take care of the girlfriend, though I would suggest you talk to her father to ensure everyone is on the same page when dealing with this. Your son as well as the mother, definitely need to continue their educations as far as they possibly can and as far as I'm aware, there's no reason why she would need to find a school for teenage mothers. We are after all in the year 2010. Yes, it will be more difficult and possibly take longer, but that certainly doesn't mean that college can't still be accomplished. If he follows whatever plan he had previously set for himself, he doesn't need to end up in a dead end job, and who's to say whether he will be perfectly happy with his decision to keep both the girl and the baby for his entire life, right?
It's not an ideal situation, but it can be worked with. What he needs is the love, guidance, & moral support of his mother to help him in this most difficult time he's yet encountered.
8 moms found this helpful
E.B. answers from Washington DC on October 25, 2010
I can understand that you are upset, just as I pray that my children will go to college, get good jobs, get married & then have children. I was pregnant at 17 1/2 and had my first child 3 months after turning 18. It was very hard for so many different reasons. I do not regret keeping my child, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. What I want to say to you though is do not pass judgment on your son or his girlfriend. Do not take over for them (like so many parents do) that doesn't allow them to grow as parents. Also don't push them away either. He is your child and he needs you. He is almost a legal adult and you must support him in whatever decision he makes - because once he turns 18 you have no more say, and he might not like what you said before. My parents helped me, but never "supported" me financially. Not all "teen moms" or parents end up unhappy or ruin their lives though - it depends on how strong they are, and what you have instilled in them. I was a teen mom... i am now married to the same man (11 years later) have 3 wonderful children, a large home, a great job (in an office not a McD's). Though we aren't rich, and we didn't get to go sew all of our wild oats, we are happy - and that is all you can hope for your son!
8 moms found this helpful
H.S. answers from Johnson City on November 02, 2010
I understand that this is hard for you, but I would try to be as positive as you can about the situation. Simply because a teenager has a child at a very young age, does not mean they will not go on to be the best parent in the world. Sure there are setbacks, but how you persevere through them is what truly matters. My mother gave birth to me at 17. She was strongly persuaded to either abort me, or give me up for adoption so she could finish high school. She did neither... she accepted her responsibility, and went on to be an amazing mother to me. She did not plan to have a child at such a young age, but she did.
Your son needs your support now more than ever. From your above post, you don't seem very willing to be supportive... especially passing judgment about the girl's adoption, weight, and ambition. Regardless if you want to be a grandmother, you are going to lose your son if you push him away because of this issue. You should not assume she did this on purpose. Accidents happen every single day.
I would come to terms with this if I were you. Yes, it is going to be hard - but you ARE going to be a grandmother. I would offer to help to your son by being willing to watch the baby, so he or she can pursue an education. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, but you seem to act like it is. If you push your son away, you may never be involved in your grandchild's life... you state you don't want to be a grandmother - but I'm sure 10 years down the line, your feelings will be drastically different.
I am the baby in this situation, because this is exactly what happened to my mother. I have absolutely no relationship with my paternal grandmother because she did exactly what you are describing. She has tried to contact me several times throughout my life, expressing her regret. I don't want anything to do with her, because she turned her back on me and my mother - when she needed support the most. I am thankful and proud of my mother for raising me, instead of taking the easy way out - through abortion or adoption. I have gone on to graduate with my Master's in Education, and I have a beautiful child of my own. My child will never meet his great-grandmother... Your actions now can greatly influence your future relationship with your son - that's definitely something to think about.
7 moms found this helpful
N.C. answers from Boston on October 26, 2010
My son and his girlfriend were 16 & 17 when she got pregnant. We were angry and had the usual talk about what this will do to your life, you know about birth control, etc. He was scared and she was scared and her mom wanted her to get an abortion. She came over every day crying because her mom was browbeating her to have an abortion. We tried to stay out of it because it was her daughter after all,but the girl couldn't face an abortion. We felt we had to step up and told my son and his girlfriend it is her body and both of your lives, if you have this baby it will be our grandchild and we will not turn our back on him or his mother no matter how their relationship ended up. That doesn't mean we were happy about what happened or able to pay their way thru life, just realistic .Yes he did quit school and got a job to help support his son. They both stayed in their parents homes. He worked and I babysat for 2 yrs. so his girlfriend could graduate.He went to night school and got his diploma. Six yrs. later now. My grandson is the light of so many lives and they just had a baby girl. They have beat the odds so far and are still together. They're not well off but they both work hard and support themselves in their own home. They have made themselves into a family. It wasn't easy they had a lot of growing up to do.You can't predict what will happen with your son. Sometimes life doesn't give us the future we want but a future we end up cherishing non the less. It's not about accepting it's already real you can't go back in time. Please remember your not the only one who didn't get what they would choose this baby has no choise either.You wouldn't want him reading that someday about not wanting to be a grandmother. Love your child, love his child your grandchild. Your angry and dissapointed because he let you and himself down. Something all parents of prego teens feel. Most would feel the same way but it is time to let those feelings go. It is what it is. Don't waste anymore time on recriminations and anger about what you can't change. At the end of the day the most important thing is the new life coming. Every child should be born welcome. Despite how you feel now and how unhappy you are I promise you will love this baby. Let go of the anger and welcome him or her with the joy they deserve.
7 moms found this helpful
K.J. answers from Chicago on October 25, 2010
I went to a very small high school, and of the 42 girls in my graduating class, 8 finished high school either pregnant, or with at least 1 child. Let me tell you that the ONLY ones whose lives turned out ok were the ones where the grandparents of the baby were supportive of the unplanned pregnancy.
1 of the girls is a nurse, 1 administers allergy tests, 1 was just promoted to the supervisor of an accounting dept for a major gov't office, 1 is now happily married (not to the father) with 4 children and runs an in-home daycare, 1 has been working for a university since shortly after her baby was born...those are the ones whose parents REALLY stepped up and went above and beyond to provide emotional and financial support to them. I am not sure what happened to some of the others after their parents kicked them out. Some of these girls were the kind that I would never have expected to amount to a hill of beans, but you'd be surprised what challenges people can rise to meet when they are encouraged along the way.
I am more concerned about your attitude towards the girl than I am about your son, as I have seen how destructive it can be when a parent blames the girl for "trapping" her son with a baby. Please do your best to be a model of a good, loving and supportive mother. She will need so much encouragement. There is no need to mention her weight or the fact that she is adopted.
They need to meet with their guidance counselors at school so that they can discuss their career options. For the short-term, they will need steady income. Perhaps the girl can look into something like a Medical Assistant program to start, as it provides a fairly decent income (for a HS graduate), and then work towards the nursing goal down the line. I don't know how many weeks along she is, but she will probably need to make arrangements to finish her hs school work at least a few weeks to a month early in order to complete everything before the baby arrives.
6 moms found this helpful