15 Year Old Son Is Trying to Control

Hi. My name is J. Ferguson. My husband is Deaf/Blind and doesn't notice a lot that goes on with the kids until after I tell him. I have 3 boys, the oldest being 20 and the other two are 10 and 8. I'm there with you. When my oldest son was just turning 16, he thought he was "the cock of the walk". He is taller than me, strong, built like a pro-football player, and had no fear (notice the past tense): you know how that is. He started getting very smart-mouthed with me and acting like he was my husband - telling me what to do and when to come home. I knew that if I didn't get control of him right then, I would lose it for good. I'm the kind of woman that refuses to give any child that much control over me. No way in heaven or hell. One day, I was chewing him out for something (it's been 4 years, The details are fuzzy) and he bucked up to me and got in my face. We were in the living room at the time, luckily facing our front door, about 3 feet from it. I knew this was my moment of truth. I didn't want to hurt him. I just needed to scare him with a bluff. I got on my best poker face, grabbed him by the neck,(note: I didn't squeeze), with all my weight focused in my legs, I shoved my son against the door as hard as I could. The desired effect was to catch him off guard, and I wanted a loud noise from the metal door as he hit it. My right leg went in between his as he hit the door. I yelled, "I don't care how big you THINK you are. You are still my son and you are still a kid! I am your mother, and I WILL whip your a--! You will NOT treat me that way again! You WILL respect me, AND you WILL do what you are told! I CAN and will hurt you, BOY!" Then I slowly backed off as he put his hands up in retreat and told me, "Ok mom. Ok. I get it. I'm sorry." I never had that kind of trouble again and to this day, if I tell him "Momma said! I don't care if you are 20 years old, you are still my son!" He listens. Bluff your son until he has his own kids to deal with. All it will take is one time if you do it right. Good luck. Let me know how you are doing. LOL

2 moms found this helpful

Pick your battles. I now what your going through. Since there is no man in the house, he feels a certian overresponsibility for you and he is trying to find his place in the world.Giving advice to his mother (authority figure) makes him feel empowered. He needs that to an extent. Children want to be appreciated, even more so when they are feeling powerless. That is a hard age to be, but you want to keep the communication lines open. He wants you to take advice from him and us mothers don't want our children giving us advice because it tends to make us think we are incapable parents. That is incorrect. Children can teach us an are allowed to teach us and are great teachers in humility. I tend to have a problem cursing, especially in trafic, even when I'm listening to Christian music! I allow my ten-year old to correct me even though I know that I should be above a foul mouth.I then apologize. HE teaches me humility, but he still respects me. To shift things a little, maybe do something with just him out of your normal routine. He may just want to be heard awhile and giving advice is a bandaid for that need. Hope this helps. Will lift you up in prayer.

Part of this problem is also your son's age. This is generally the time when teens feel like they are adults, but because they are VERY YOUNG adults, they really don't understand what they are doing. Often they feel they have the world figured out, and they do test the boundaries every chance they get, especially with authurity figures. Remember, children test their boundaries from birth until they are actually adults, and sometimes past that. Just because your son is a young man doesn't mean he's not your child. Remind him of his boundaries.

My husband and I are going through some serious problems with his 16 year old daughter who is currently acting like she has the entire world figured out. She apparently "hates" me but I know the root of her anger, so I am not upset with her for feeling like this. Once she is ready to be the adult she is trying to be, my husband and her have some new boundaries to establish. Until that is done, we will have problems.

R., it sounds like you do have a good relationship with him, as you have insight that he is trying to take care of you at times. Hopefully, you can avoid getting physical in trying to make your point. Be consistent in respectfully correcting him each time you find him trying to control you. You may have to talk, discuss, explain and reason with him as if he was already an adult, since some kids grow up faster these days. If he occasionally makes a good point in an arguement, then acknowledge it, so that he knows you are listening. But you still are the one in charge and you will have to keep reminding him. I think you will be just fine; he is just challenging you. You know we go through that stage of developing as a young adult, where we sometimes think we know it all. You'll survive.
Linda C.

I've been through a similar situation with my son and took me some time and advice from my older, more experienced sister before resolving it. Your son is at that age where he has his own opinions and needs to voice them, but needs to do it in a respectful way. You need to listen and also respond to him as an adult in a respectful way. If he knows that you are truly listening and considering his opinion (and not agitated) he will be less argumentative even when you don't follow his advice. You have to talk to him about this at a time when you are NOT in the situation or heat of the moment (don't talk to him about this at a time when he is giving you the advice). Explain to him that this is new for you and you are not used to him, your son who is also a young adult, giving you advice but do want to listen to his opinions as long as it's in a respectful manner. Your son has good assertive qualities but only needs some guidance. He needs to be able to voice his opinions but must be done respectfully from a young adult to an experienced one. You need to give him that opportunity to voice his opinion, as long as it's respectful, and if you choose not to follow his advice take the time to explain. These opportunities will probably bring you closer to your son. I was normally old school on this so it does take some getting used to. When his advice is good, when he is right make sure you let him know. I think this is more about him wanting to know that you value his opinions and advice and knowing that you are truly considering them and less about whether or not who's right and wrong. My sister gave me this advice a few years ago; she has 3 sons and 1 daughter, all in their twenties.

Enlist the help of your oldest son to talk with him. He is just probably trying to be the man of the household which comes with the territory of being a male. Enroll him in a mentoring program in your community where there is a male influence and get him involved with you in community service. Do you encourage him to get out with friends and go to church?
All of this could help.

R. just sit down and have a talk with your son let him know that youre glad that hes concern about you but you are the mother and my all means dont let him control you because he will keep on controling you and then it will be out of control.I know that you love your son but you are still the mother.B. F.

You had better nip that in the bud right now. I have 2 sons, one is 37 the other will be 24 this month. My youngests Dad left almost 8 years ago and so it began with my son as with yours. We had a wonderful relationship. Now he is still living in my house with his fiance and their 2 year old. Pay no rent , no utilities and no groceries. They don't clean or cook. I just recently told them I was no longer washing their dishes, only mine and the dishes stay in the sink till they wash them. This has been going on for 2 1/2 years. They paid some on utilities at first, but now don't. She works, he doesn't. We have had some real screaming matches to no avail, he just does what he wants. I tell him I don't want him there and she lets him in. I don't put her out because I am not putting my grandson on the street and she has no where to go. Neither one of them appreciate anything. He talks to me worse than you can imagine, calls me names, tears up my house and property. I am so sick of it I can't begin to tell you. I poured my heart and soul into this son of mine and I don't even know who he is anymore. They are suppose to moving out within the month and I will have my peace and quiet and sanity back. I will so sadly miss my precious little grandson. So you need to get it straight who is in authority right now . I pray that it doesn't go that far for you because it is miserable. Believe me. God Bless you and your son.

Hi R.,

You and your son are in that transition from a mother / child role to a mother / grown child role. I hope you feel there is a wonderful foundation of unconditional love in this relationship. If not, start verbally and physically demonstrating your love - daily. The next step involves talking, talking, talking - as much as he is willing. You can show him how to listen respectfully and interact appropriately. You can listen to what he has to say, acknowledge it with, "I hear what you are saying, I'll give that some thought" or "thank you for your opinion, but I feel this is my decision" or something like that.

As you are stepping back and respecting his growing independence, you still have the opportunity to draw a firm, loving line that he as your son should respect. This might be challenging, but it is definitely doable.

It sounds like you and your son are approaching a crossroads. Your next steps are important in determining where your relationship goes.

I'd be happy to talk with you more about this.

Good luck!
Janet B
PARENT COACH

R. - I spent 36 years teaching 15 year olds and this complaint is as common as the sunrise! At this age, boys are becoming aware of their masculinity more so than ever and begin exerting authority over any female who crosses their path. I dealt with it on a daily basis! Depending on their personality, it may be aggressive or very passive. It sounds to me as if you are handling it well - continuing to remind him that you are in charge, as the adult, and giving him boundaries and, most importantly, sticking with those boundaries and limits and rules. He may never be as easy to deal with as the older son but, with some patience and perseverance on your part, he will grow up and be okay. One of the things that is often lacking for boys this age are strong male role models. Men learn how to treat women by watching older men. This is really where your elder son can become important to the family. I know it's hard, but he can grow out of this. It's just going to take every ounce of parenting you can squeeze out for a couple of years!

Dear R.,
I am on my last kid of 4 (1 girl and 3 boys) and he is also 15, but I got wise the kid before him because I heard from teens themselves that the thing teenagers want most is time with adults,(usually late at night when we older parents want to go to sleep). Also, I read the book, Five Love Languages of Teenagers, by Gary Chapman,and realized all these kids need is more positive communication. I read somewhere that teenagers fire us as managers that we were when they were little, and decide to hire us or not as a consultant when they are making up their mind who they want to be as upcoming adults. So, I decided to back off with the managerial attitude as it did not work anymore anyway and just took more time to LISTEN.
I am now backtracking with my 1st 2, having lunches, long talks and deepening the relationships and even by telephone as my daughter is now 25 and married. I think our fast paced life in America needs to be slowed down so we can enrich our family relationships. I am very aware that my son who is 21 now will treat his wife in the future based on the kind of relationship he has with me and I am still working on him but in a different kind of relationship than when he was a kid. Hope this helps. My 21 year old tries to control me, so I know what you mean. His father is a workaholic so I am trying to get them to have a deeper father-son relationship too and I have been working on that one a long time and it seems that is bearing fruit. For my daughter it was the toughest at age 15, but now we are good friends and working on the past.
Good luck to you and stand fast as a Mom and decide to love your son through it, even the wind blows hard, stand your loving ground.
All the best, Mama K.

Is he just trying to be the man of the house? I know 15 is a very challenging age. I remember with my daughter, I found out that humor usually eased tense times. She would get so mad at stupid things that I just started humoring her. Like she would be furious about something and I would try to hug her and tell her that she was the best daughter ever even though she was really p....ng me off at the time. It took a couple of attempts but in the end we were laughing at each other. I would tell him that if he wanted to be the man of the house, that it would mean being open and compromising and respectful. Good luck.

This culture that we live in our teenagers are out of control. We would never talk to our parents the way our kids talk to us. Their might be a couple of things going on, are you seing anyone? Because sometimes they can get real defensive and hurt when they feel that someone else might be taking their place and they do not know how to handle it. Another thing is that he might need to feel like the man of the house and is going too far with it. But whatever it is you to need to nip it in the bud because they will get much worse and get out of control.

In essence, your response to your son at this time will help to mold him into the husband/father he will become. He should always be made to treat you with respect, but he has to see that you respect yourself too. What types of things is he trying to control? Is he right about the things he is saying...sometimes knowing he is right can make you madder than the fact he is being "controlling." I agree that he needs a male role model. It is likely at his age that he feels out of control of his own life so he is trying to influence yours. Get him into a sport or a hobby or other wholesome activity and keep telling him how much you appreciate him.

As a single mom for 10 yrs, my son started to try to be in control a bit too! I think that he felt like the man of the house and wanted to protect me and thought that he knew what was right for me! He would be really mean to any man that called for me that he didn't know! I just let him know that it was unacceptable and did not tolerate it. He also would try to tell me how to spend my money! You just have to put your foot down and keep reminding him that you are the parent and he is the child and until you grow senile he will not control your life in any way, no matter how good his intentions may be! Sometimes we single moms with boys lean on our boys for a little man around the house comfort, (telling him your problems, asking for his advice on stuff,and even just telling him that he is the man of the house because you want him to be more responsible) I think are all mistakes that I have made, let him know you need his help, but not that he is the "man" or he will feel in powered and in charge. My son is 22 now and just got back from Iraq, we have a great relationship, I am married now and he treats my new husband with respect. best of luck , just be sure to keep putting your foot down whenever he crosses that line and don't worry when he gets mad at you, he'll get over it!

I feel for you - I'm on my 3rd 15 y.o. right now, and I get the same kind of thing. They are just sure they have all the answers. What has worked for me is not to answer back - when he tells me what I need to do I just smile and say 'Hmm' - or 'Thanks' (not sarcasticly), and then I just go ahead and do whatever I was going to do anyway. Actually it's interesting for me to get a window inside his head and it helps me to know what he thinks should be done. Sometimes he's right, and it's more the fact that he is telling me what to do that rubs me the wrong way. (Rubs me the wrong way when my husband does that, too). Good luck!

Tell the 15 year old son that he is the "child" and you are the "adult". A "child" does not tell an adult what to do unless the adult is in harms way. If he continues to try to control you start taking priviledges away. Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and has seen a male peer do this to you. Good luck.

Always keep that line of communication open and maintain the relationship you have. Yes, you are the adult and just remind him of that. Maybe he feels that he is trying to take care of you and have your best interest at heart. Keep letting him know that you appreciate his concerns and value his opinions, but that he may not always agree with your decisions. I'm sure that goes both ways. Tell him now he sees how you feel when he doesn't do what you say. Just make sure that he has some really important responsiblities concerning the home so he'll feel like the man of the house. LOL :-)

Best Wishes

Memory's- thank goodness he's almost 21 now! My son hated it when I would try to tell him something- his complaint-"Mom, you go on and on and when I'm angry I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE- and you won't! let me be!" At 15 1/2 while driving home at 20 mph (school zone) - he threw a fit telling me to be quiet- I lowered my voice and remember feeling "so proud" that I was keeping MY COOL- but I insisted on talking to him- He began to threaten- Mom if you don't- and I continued with a soothing voice- He looked at me then with a disgusted face- HE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR !- He actually tumbled a bit and scraped his arm up-I couldn't believe it- I was shocked- and stunned- I stopped the car and remembered to breathe- As I began to get out- he threw a bottle of gatorade towards me-UGH we were only blocks from our house- I drove home.

Moral of my story- Men go to their caves when they are "wrestling with something"- Boy men need to- too. i then changed my tune and began removing myself when I felt irritated and allowed him to as well- it became an agreement that we get together later and "talk it out"- we stopped hugging for awhile and it broke my heart- but at 20 he is more effectionate than ever ! By the way he has completed Fire Figting School and is 100 percent self supporting!

Without reading everyone else's response.
At 14-15 my boys became more rebellious in small ways--sassy, ignore requests, forget chores, etc.

It is just normal teenage boy stuff. They also began to mature into seeing women as needing help from men and trying to fulfill that role by looking out for their moms, sisters, girlfriends.

It is tough to strike the balance.

What I did and still do is ask their opinion on some things, say thanks and then act.