15 Year Old Son - Fort Wayne,IN

Dear S.:

Resolving an issue like this requires when did it actually start and what lead up to this issue. Anytime a problem is choice induced there is an emotional/environmental connected to it. There is something that has happened to him that has possibly crushed his spirits related to his future or he has been verbally abused that he will or cannot succeed.

Motivation in children and most adults is connect to the outcome. If we know the outcome will be great we are much more likely to put the effort in to make it happen.

Dig deep into his head at his level (not as a parent) but as a concerned friend. Do not use scare tactics or place any fear into him. He most likely know what the problem is so he needs a safe zone to let it out. Let him know your there for him and find out what is like and dislikes about school are. DO not use the word hate. I am confident this will resolve the issue.

S. L.

1 mom found this helpful

my son sort of gave up in 6th grade...before that he loved to learn. I fought with the school for three years and he finished 8th grade with straight Fs.
I finally got an advocate who suggested to the school that they have an independant evaluation done.
This was done by someone outside our school district and he found executive function deficits and made some recommendations to the school for my sons IEP.
He has just completed his first quarter of 9th grade and has all passing grades.
I don't know what grade your son is in, but Have the school do a "Multifactored Evaluation". Put the request in writing and either send it by registered mail or hand it to the principal.
High school is when they start counting academic performance and you need to have the supports in place that your son needs. You will likely have to fight for him, and probably fight with him, I did.

If I can be of any help , having been through this, e-mail me at ____@____.com

He's 15 & bored! Get him involved in something that he has to get up early every morning, especially on weekends. Either a job that he has to do some sort of education while he is there or a volunteer work that he has to learn how to care for someone else. Maybe if he sees what it takes to make money, he may well try a little harder in school. Either way, he needs to understand that if he does not stay in school, he will have to go out & get a job; any job. If you have a friend that has a restruant or a cleaning service; ask them to give him a job on the lowest rung & teach him what it is like to work without an education. That will wake him up if nothing else will. Good luck.

What triggered this? Has he been told he's stupid, etc?? SOMETHING has brought this on. Is this something that's sudden or has gradually gotten worse?

What interests does he have? Is he afraid of failure? Sometimes when people are afraid of failure they do nothing so they don't fail, which, ironically, they do because they do nothing. TRYING is not failing.

What are his interests? What is he good at? EXCUSES get you NO where. Action does, even if it's not going to be long term, take action and do SOMETHING!

Boy, your post was VAGUE.

I had a really hard time in school because they said I was "above average" but I made bad grades. MOSTLy because I didn't learn according to traditional teaching methods. That meant I had to teach myself how to study so that I could pass. That took until my last year in college.

Both of my sisters could take one test, and then they knew what to study and made great grades.

He's probably bored. Let him know that believe it or not, the stuff he's learning now might prove useful later on. I didn't think I'd ever need science, and ended up with a job at a chemistry lab and needed to know the periodic table.

I can let you know what I ended up doing to study effectively. It was a bit of work, but I made MUCH better grades.

Also, get him involved in something he's interested in too - some sort of activity. Maybe something like Tae Kwon Do.

Just a few thoughts...for what it's worth...and good luck!

http://www.naphill.org/ and http://www.pacificinstitute.co.uk/pages/productsWinnersCi...
The Napoleon Hill Foundation and Winners Circle by Lou Tice are motivational organizations usually used by adults, however I receive their daily emails and often forward them to my teenage daughter. Sometimes hearing something from someone other than a parent, get through when we can't.

Another idea to motivate teenagers and take them outside their own world is to involve them in volunteering. The holiday season has many opportunities to get involved. Non-profits, churches, nursing homes, etc. are all good resources.

Good Luck!!

Hi S.,

It is really wonderful that you are trying to help him. I hope he appreciates that someday.

I don't have a teenager so I can't help you personally. I do however truly believe in the support lines at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center (Parent Support is ###-###-####). They have been wonderful for me. I also took a positive discipline class there that discusses children ages 0 to 18 years.

God bless you and your family.
J.

Have him evaluated by a professional. Obviously none of us are professionals but can only speak from our own experiences. I am a mother of 3 boys and 1 girls. Boys are not motivated to succeed like girls. A great book to read to help you understand your son better is Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax. What your son is going through is typical for boys these days. I have 2 sons like this and the one who is an adult now did not get it until his 3rd year of college. He was diagnosed with ADD at 21 but none of the meds worked. One day things just clicked for him. In the book it talks about how schools today are geared for girls more than boys. Boys need more experience or 3 dimensional learning. Learning from just books and lectures does not connect with our boys. There are boys where this style does work and my youngest boy seems to care more about his grades than his 2 other brothers. Girls like to please so they do their best to please their parents, teachers,etc. Boys do not care to please. So bottom line , do not feel like there is something wrong with your son. I do think he is going through depression but as a result of what's happening around him. I also have read more boys are 3 years behind in maturity than girls. Talk to the school. Have him talk to a child psychologist who deals with these type of issues. Start with you child's doctor and he'll be able to recommend a good psychologist. It may be something you want to do as a family. You never mention if his father is involved in his life. So that could be an indicator too. Boys need good male relationships. At this age they need to be with male mentors more and mom less. Good luck to you. It is not easy raising boys these days.

He sounds like he may be depressed. I remember feeling that way as a teen, and being diagnosed with depression at about age 19. There are now medications that help with this as it can be due to a chemical imbalance. Once that was corrected with me, it was like someone turned the lights on. It wouldn't hurt to have him evaluated for depression.

First of all have him tested for every imaginable learning disability. I went through most of my life not understanding why people didn't see the world as I did and found out in college that I had dyslexia. My parent view was that I was lazy (that and being abused by a teacher in grammer school didn't help as well) because if it was something that I had the slightest interest in I really excelled but if I was bored with the subject or not that interested my LD really made things difficult.

Also my cousin's son was having problems in school and an distraction would ruin his concentration. Like the humming of the lights and the scrapping of pencil lead on classmates papers, etc., would just make things impossible for him. It turned out that at eight his was found to have an aspbergers and adhd. Don't blame the child unless you know for sure its not his fault. Also is his school a good fit for him. It may be that he needs a different sort of educational environment to encourage him.

I would suggest having him tested for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and Dyslexia. I have both and I personally hated school, it was very very difficult for me. I didn't get proper help until his age and I was so happy when I finally did. Basically the brain is just wired a little different and it sometimes takes a little longer for things to make sense. Like being left handed, nothing is wrong, you just have to learn a new way of doing things. Good luck.

I'll agree with most of the other Moms that he's likely not doing well because he's not challenged and thus not engaged.

I didn't learn to study until my senior year in college, though I was always a good student. The biggest kick in my pants was having to stay a year out of college because of finances. It was very obvious that not getting a degree would lead to many more challenges in providing for myself.

Perhaps a tough, laborious job would make him open his eyes to life without pushing yourself.

The teachers should help you find a eay that he learns best. If not, they're not helping him well. He may just not respond well to traditional instruction.

Perhaps you can help him discover something about which he's really passionate - music, computers, drawing, math. We are all at our best when we follow our passions.

Good luck!
D.