14 Yr Old Step Daughter Upset with Her Birth Mother

Hi A.,
I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago. I still see the repercussions, 10-15 yrs later.

First of all, thanks for being in-tune and concerned about your step-d's welfare, even when you might get the brunt of her anger. I can tell just from what you've written that you really care, and that you're able to distance yourself enough to consider what she may need, despite any negative behavior. Being a step-mom in difficult custody situations is sometimes a thankless job in terms of immediate gratification, but the long-term, in my experience, joys are beyond compare.

I hate that your insurance ran out. Are there other avenues there you could explore? An agency with a sliding scale, a church minister, school social workers? If her grades are slipping, seems like someone at her school should welcome your concern and involvement. Do your own daughters want help like counseling in order to deal with the family dynamics? Are they at all close to their step-sister? Just trying to think about options beyond counseling solely for your step-d and her father.

It's doubly difficult when the biological dad seems to be in denial, though I'm sure that's very common. In my situation, things had developed to a crisis stage, and both my husband and the biological mother (who had more involvement than your step-d's mother) refused to admit there was a problem. I was advised that even though intervening in the situation would best come from the bio parents, I simply had to do something. I found an agency who would help my step-d, and thus began years of counseling that I believe (and she has said as much) helped more than can be imagined. It wasn't just the crisis at hand that she needed help with.......there were other things going on that I didn't learn about until many years later. (Her father and mother, in case you're wondering, never received counseling, though I did convince my husband to go to a "parenting teens" class with me. Now my step-d is able to see her bio mom for who she is, even the "good" parts.)

Incidentally, my formerly sweet, "easy" step-d was incredibly angry at me, and hardly even spoke to me for a year. It was heart-breaking, but in talking with her counselor myself, I was advised to stay firm - like you, to provide the consistency my step-d was lacking. (The situation eventually got better, and we are very close now.) Do you have support for yourself? The courage and energy used in situations like this deplete quickly - be sure not to forget taking care of yourself in the midst of the chaos of a houseful of teenagers with competing needs.

I hadn't had children of my own when my step-d's were young, so I didn't realize that part of what was going on was normal adolescent angst, amplified. In my eagerness to help, I was probably too quick to assign blame, when in all actuality, the step-kids needed time to just "grow up". Difficult to find the balance between knowing when to reach for outside help, and knowing when to ride things out....but it sounds like you're doing a great job of finding it.

I'm sure there's a wealth (an overwhelming one, perhaps?) of info online. I remember this book being helpful: "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager" by Anthony Wolf. Also, the old "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber. (Obviously, they are not geared specifically to step-kids.) I'm guessing there are probably online support groups specifically for step-parents.

Hang in there, A. - you're doing great!
Many blessings to you and yours.

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Dear A.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I guess I would be really angry at my husband if this situation were mine, having brought me into a marriage where he would just brush off his own child's sorrow. He is abdicating his responsibility as a father by refusing to see his daughter's needs. You are in a really bad position being the step-mom.

Can you go to a male pediatrician and tell him the truth of what's going on? Your husband may be more likely to listen to a man than a woman, and you might be able to get him to step in a ped's office rather than a psychologist's. If you could get your husband in to see that pediatrician after you have had the inital appointment, perhaps the male MD could get through to your husband about his responsibilities as a father and what he may face with this daughter if he doesn't straighten up and parent her. (She may end up just like her mother without his proper guidance. Things like that do happen.)

I really would try not to send this tender 14 year old to her mother - that seems like it might be playing with fire. At least there is propriety and a semblance of normalcy in your home, although she is unhappy. A parade of men in and out of her mom's life is a terrible thing for her to witness.

I feel for you, since you are stuck between a rock and hard place. This has to be hard on the 13 and 16 year olds too. I hope the pediatrician can give you some good advice and get your husband to listen to reason.

All my best,
D.

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Talk to her school counselor about individual counseling options for the daughter. Trying to force a relationship with a woman who is not capable is not the answer. But the step-daughter is at the age where not being with one's birth mom can weigh very heavily on her spirit. If there are no counseling options in the community (due to insurance or scheduling issues), she may be able to attend therapy in the school setting.

V.
Professional School Counselor
Memphis, TN

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First, kudos for being a concerned step-parent.
First, NEVER allow her to set you and your husband (her dad) up for dissention, EVER. This has to be worked out with you as parents.
Second, why is her father not on top of this? What is his problem with being a champion for his daughters mental, emotional and physical health, education and overall development and welfare?
This little gal need SO much LOVE, and guidance. IF her father refuses to take the reigns, then YOU do it. She may resent it now, but will thank you later on. Somebody needs to nurture this child.
Don't discount any of her feelings. When a parent puts their child on this type of emotional roller coaster, the child always feels guilty or responsible, and abandoned by the absent parent.
Counseling for her would definitely by an option, and it is an investment in her future and ability to deal with what she's going through NOW, and learn how to move forward in her life. I would consider family counseling also, that all members of your blended household would be informed, understanding, supportive, and working together to make a difference.
Could it be that the father is in denial? Or doesn't he see what damage this child is suffering from?
I wish you the best, you are taking on a big issue and sounds like you care for this step-daughter and want to help her. Talk with your own daughters also, as they might be able to form a special relationship with their step-sister, and you can assist them in being empathetic toward her. She probably has a very low self image, feels alone and struggling with so much at such a critical age. Check on what is available for services in your area, through school, church, or social services department. There are many programs, some free, some sliding scale, others will work with you on the cost, but get started SOON, and let us know what happens.
Urge your husband to take an active roll in reaching out to his daughter. She NEEDS to know HE is on her side!!

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My suggestion to you would be this...Never say one negative word about her birth mother. When she says negative things about her try to give her support and encourage her to remember that she is not walking in her mother's shoes and you are very grateful that her life is better than her mother's life. Talk to her about choices and consequences and encourage her to continue to make good choices in her own life so that she has a life that she can be proud of.

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I am not saying that this is your problem but my X pits the children against me. He never says a bad word about me but he does things and says things that makes the kids come to their own conclusions that it was my fault and then they get mad at me and never speak again. I have finally decided that I am through with all of these kindergarten games so I have just given up and when that man finally dies, maybe then I can have a relationship with them. Until then, I have no kids but my current husband's child. I know that sounds mean but I am tired.
Now my X and I had a business. The judge didn't see fit to even make him give me part of it so I am not educated and I have a hard time making bills. I don't have money to dish out to them everytime the wind blows. Their dad doesn't do that either but he has money so they won't cross him in case they need him to help them sometimes. What he told my middle son is that we claimed him on our income taxes therefore we screwed up his life. Now he owed the IRS $500 and he wouldn't receive his stimulous money. He lived with us 11 months out of the year, went to college and didn't work, had his girlfriend over here, I was paying his car ins and his groceries. I feel I had a right to claim him as it saved us $800 on our income taxes. This child only had a $5,000 income and was going to get all of his money back from the IRS regardless. FACT: his dad was trying to claim him (illegally) and was rejected therefore he owed the IRS $500 because he has his own business and makes in excess of $200,000/yr. That man held his hand out and took my child's $500 and then told him that he wouldn't get his stimulous money... that I had cheated him. I told him that I would get his money because I claimed him and would be glad to give it to him. I have no earthly idea why every time their dad opens his mouth it is the gospel but that seems to be the way it goes. He got mad at me because I ruined his life by claiming him and not allowing his dad to do it. So he hasn't spoken to me in 8 months and moved out and now lives with his dad. The reason your step daughter's mother is moving from city to city is because she probably is having a hard time making it in life, especially if she is not educated. Plus, she is probably so hurt because her kids don't have anything to do with her that she feels that if she moves she can start a new life and forget that part of her life ever existed. The fact is she is just unhappy and she is trying to RUN. You should explain that to your step daughter and tell her not to blame her mother for that. Although the moving is not a good life for the little girl, you need to explain to her that she should feel sorry for her mom and tell her she loves her as much as possible. Maybe you and your husband could help her get a place close and help her with a job so she could live and see the child more often.
Just don't ever do anything or say anything that would give the impression that her mother is a bumb or a looser. She should never hear that from anyone. That is not fair. Maybe if she felt more like you all were trying to help her mom, she could see that you had a heart and it would make her feel like you loved her in trying to do that and she would have more respect for you than not.
I know it would be hard to do and unusual at best but it would also be the right thing to do. Why not call her sometime when the little girl doesn't know and talk to her mother about all of that.
It would never hurt to get the little girl in counseling but that is expensive. I understand.
I hope that you all figure it out and get it straightened out because there is not anything that can break you up quicker than family.
Good luck.

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I am not sure about books but if you go into a larger bookstore they are usually set up by categories. The staff may also be able to help. As far as counseling I think that would be an asset to use. If the insurance won't pay for it try a minister at church, youth minister or possibly someone in the congregation that has a background in this area that might be willing to accept. Hope this helps. God Bless!

If you cant get her conselling then just be there for her to listen to her vent.She has issues with her mother she needs to get out.Getting them out over the phone with her mother is good but having you and/or your daughters to talk/vent to will help.I would though ask her not to put her mother down to you or others.That yes she may not understand how her mother could be like she is but she still is her mother and she should have some respect for her..good luck..
S. B

There are counselors at school that can help with this. Most schools also have social workers that are trained in the counseling of teens. These are free services offered by the school district.

It sounds like she may have some reactive attachment disorder issues due to the non relationship and lack of bonding with her mother. Look it up online. I am no expert but it needs to be addressed asap. Poor thing never had a mother.

Dear A.,
I hate to say this, but with your stepdaughter being 14 years old now life won't get better before it gets worse. I highly recommend intensive counseling. If your current insurance plan doesn't cover it, ask your pediatrician to write a letter to them. You may need to go to the state insurance commission. You may need to remortgage your home.

I am a stepmom to a 32 year/old professional man who grew up knowing that he was very loved in both of his households throughout his life. I met him when he was 2. He caused us minimal problems growing up and has always been a great kid. He went to counseling in his 20's in order to resolve issues regarding the differences between our two middle-class, suburban households ... and this is the kid WITHOUT problems!

Three years ago, knowing that we cared and had a warm and healthy adolescent-friendly home, my "friend" left her 14 year old daughter (only child) with us for one week. Unbeknownst to us, the friend and her husband, the dad, went to California and New York respectively to spend unencumbered time with their respective new bed-partners. They returned for their daughter three months later (and subsequently divorced).
We begged her parents to return earlier because we knew their daughter was feeling unloved and isolated. I found poems that she wrote describing feeling unwanted and wanting love from her parents. Our family offered her all the love that we possibly could, our children offered her all the friendship that they possibly could, but we still were not her real parents/her real family.
Her real parents were rejecting her, turning her away, were not there for her, and didn't take her problems seriously.

Eventually, she started employing attention-getting behavior. She changed her clothes and make-up styles and then started climbing out of the bedroom window in the middle of the night. I called the police to have them watch her bedroom windows while we slept. We kept her parents updated (when they answered our phone calls). Together, they returned for her three weeks after I started needing her bedroom windows monitored.
According to my one son who maintains contact with her, she has lived in two different punitive boarding schools since leaving our home. As I write this, she is in a juvenile psychiatric facility and my son is one of the only people the facility allows her to contact. I don't know more details because I have avoided the family's calls. My husband and the dad also maintain communication.

I really believe that she would be entering a stable adulthood if she had received and felt love from both parents as she was growing up - and if they had taken her emotional needs more seriously. She cried for help and her parents ignored her.
She's very lucky to have you in her life. But, she needs to learn how to maintain self-esteem while feeling unloved by her birth mother. You and her dad might not be able to provide that education without family therapy.

OK, first keep in mind that she is 14. Take into accout all that goes with being a teenage girl. As the a daughter of 4 parents (Mom - Stepdad and Dad - Stepmom)I can tell you she is in a tight spot in many ways. She is mad at her mother, which brings guilt. She is jealous of the relationship that you have w/your daughters which brings anger and more guilt. I am not saying that you do not love her, it is just different. She feels resentment toward her father more guilt. She probably loves you and your girls very much, more guilt. That is just the tip of the iceberg. I won't list everything. My point is you have a very emotional teen with good thing in her life, but to much guilt to appriciate them without making herself feel worse. I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but emotions sometimes don't. I highly doubt that she has any detachment disorder.
I don't have the perfect answer. All I can suggest is force the issue with her dad, counceling will make a world of difference. Don't make a big deal about her mom, I know it's hard. Let her vent when she needs to, all of the other kids are old enough that they have thier own opinions. I would let her know that even though she is angry with her mom you expect to speak respectfully in you home. Don't push her seeing her mom, that would make you the bad guy. You sound like you are trying very hard and you are to be commended for that. Keep it up. Unfortunatly you are not the only one who has this situation. It won't be easy, but I get the feeling you think she is worth it. Continue to make sure she knows that.
Just to let you know, I am now a 34 year old mother of 3 in a good marriage. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it right now.

I can give you no books or very little advice, however I can show you things through her eyes. Your step-daughter is feeling very left out, she doesn't feel as if she belongs. You are not to blame in any way shape or form. But you are there with her and you are getting the blame that she has for her own mother. Please try to love her and tell the others in the family too love her as well. She will pull through this in her own time and realize that you are the family she needs most.

I can relate from my own life many years ago.

A.,
I would suggest that one you pray if you belive in a higher power.
Then every week or two you and your step daughter spend time alone, do somthing she wants to do. The first couple of times she will not have a suggestion or say she does not want to go. she may not even talk. However, she has to go through the grief process (lossing her mother) and need to know you love her the way she is (hurting, sad, confussed) so you will love her more when she opens up or changes. You have to really step up and guess what really be her mother and that starts with building trust and right now women have not been trust worthy to her.

I pray that everything works out for you and her. You are all she has..I think you know that.

Try the book Parenting with Love and Logic, one of the main things it is teaching is how to build good selfesteem and also how to help kids to make good choices