Hi, I have a 14 year old son who was always the class clown and had lots of friends up until 5th grade. When he entered Middle School, he seemed to become a bit more shy. He doesn't socialize outside of school with any kids from his 8th grade class. He does hang around with a 7th grade boy from the neighborhood - been friends since they were little. We have a summer home and he does go out with the kids there. I was at his 8th grade party this week and was so sad to see that he wasn't hanging around with anyone while I was there. He told me that after I left, he finished eating and went and found some guys to hang around with. I have spoken with his teachers and they don't at all see him as a loner. He's outgoing in school. I don't know if I should be worried and push him a bit or if I should just wait until high school and see if he finds his niche there. One could question "Is he happy?" and if so, then leave him alone. I'm not sure though if he is happy. He's a 14 year old boy, and with the hormones raging, he can be quite a pain in the but. Is that because he's unhappy or because he's a 14 year old boy?
Thank you for any advice.
He's finding himself and it doesn't sound like he's hanging out with a bad crowd or doing anything that makes him sound like he's out of control. Keep an eye on him, but don't push him. Big changes come all through middle school and high school.
Hi, I have a daughter the same age and I know it can be a very difficult time for teens. They are trying to find out where they fit in w/ their peers and society. My daughter has seen a number of friends change dramatically in middle school and start hanging out w/ new people with different values and morals. Has anything happened in your family life or his life in the last few yrs, death of a loved one, divorce, move, etc? Have you or your husband sat down with him privately and talked to him about how he is feeling and voiced your concerns? I would start there and see what he says. If he won't talk, ask him if he would like to talk to your pastor or a counselor confidentially who specializes in counseling adolescents if he is willing. My daughter did this 2 yrs aio when she lost a close college age cousin tragically. I think it helped her. Does your son have any hobbies, interests, sports or places he can do volunteer work? I know at this age they may not have an interest in volunteering, but assuming he will go onto college in 4 yrs, many colleges want to see volunteer work on college aps. Volunteering often takes the focus on oneself and on to others who are often less fortunate. My daughter plays in a rec.sport league and volunteers with our church youth group. She has made new friends there and is helping others at the same time. If all else fails, wait and see what high school brings but don't wait too long b4 you get him help if things have not improved. This is a vulnerable age and you dont' want him influenced negatively by others who may be bad influence (drugs and alcohol). Good luck mom
Probably because he is 14.
I have two grown boys. Starting in 5th grade puberty begins and things change. The struggle begins. The average child seems to flounder through about 10th grade. I think they feel like a puppy with big clumsy feet and they just don't understand the human world. This was true for my oldest son, but the younger one was very immature and a late bloomer. He is a freshman in college and acting a pubescent teenager. They are all different.
I would say if your son has friends away from school you really are okay. High School may help him to find his niche. It's good that you are watching though. When you are in the car (because he can talk and avoid eye contact) casually ask him if he is happy. Help him to express his feelings. It might help you too...........but don't be too put off if he won't talk to you. Puberty is rough, but it gets better.
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Your describing my son to a tee. This past year his behavior was becoming out of control. My question is how are your sons grades does he struggle in school. (Not ADD or ADHD) just hard time getting work done/in. Mine did at first I thought he was just being lazy or stubborn. One evening while helping him with his math I relized he didn't even know his multiplication tables. The school wouldn't beleave me they just kept telling me he needs to be tested for the above diagnosis. I now my son better sooo I took him to Huntinton Learning Center. Low anb behold he was still at a 3rd grade level. Know mind you I've asked for years for him to be held back, but the school dist. dosn't think thats good for the childs self asteem. This explains why he was acting out. Better to be the bad kid that just dosn't care than the dumb kid. No one makes fun of the bad kids. Well long story short we went with the Learning Center and 3 months later my son is at a 6th grade level. And he's happier than I've seen him in along time. He realized he's not dumb. I tolld him he's not a failure(his words not mine) that his teachers were the ones who dropped the ball along time ago and weren't willing to admit it. Maybe it's something like that. Also try having your son Volunteer somewhere we did that and his self esteem just keeps going up. He loves to help others. Just don't let him sit around playing Video games get him out with others volunteer,church groups something and he'll find his nitch.
I think of Jr. High age as a dark, dark time. :)
What does he say? Does he look sad? Don't interfere too much -- he doesn't need that at this age. Don't push him. It is so hard to find your voice at that age and I think it is the meanest that your peers ever get in life.
How about trying to cultivate skills to make him proud of himself, make him feel worthwile and self-confident. Things like Karate or whatever he is interested in. If he feels like he's accomplishing things he'll feel more like he's worthy of acceptance.
Hugs to you, I know this is hard but he has to go through it. As awful as these early teen years can be, it will make him a much stronger man in the end. Let him experience it on his own terms.
Middle school is tough - but you say he is outgoing at school, he has a close friend and he does hang out with kids during the summer. Not every kid is going to be super popular, but if he is not depressed, I would not worry. In high school, we dont' set up play dates for our kids. I would not push him. He does not sound unhappy and is old enough to determine how much of a social life he wants.
Good luck
Kids get use to their peers from K-6th grade. They are familiar with the routine and personalities of them. Once they reach the middle school, attitudes, personalities, and clicks change. It's a hard transition but he will survive. It's all about change and adjustment to that change.
Hormones have a lot to do with his attitude and emotions. Also, he is no longer the "top dog" at his school or in his class. He acts out due to the insecurities he is feeling by having to basically start over and find/reclaim his spot in the proverbial "food chain". A girl he likes might like someone else too.
Asking him how he is feeling is only going to set him off. I'm not saying to go about your business..just choose your words carefully. At this age, parents are an embarrassment and any thoughts and ideas we share more than likely will fall on deaf ears.
Try to encourage him to join a group, whether it be sports or academic.
If he is not having behavioral issues in school and his grades are good, no worries. Keep doing what you are doing and stick to the rules of your house.
It can be hard to be in middle school. Does he have friends that are not IN his classes? That can be an awkward place to be. I can remember starting middle school and feeling weird and alone because NONE of my friends from elementary was in any of my classes. Not one. I slowly made friends with some of the people in my classes, but then those kids didn't necessarily stay in all my classes the following year. It can be tough if that sort of thing happens, and there isn't much control your son has over that.
Our son (11) started middle school this year, and I was very worried about him. He had been in private school (2 different ones starting in Kindergarten) from the beginning, until we just couldn't afford it anymore. He always makes friends wherever he goes, and is very social, and a sweet kid. But I noticed that this year it is alot like you have described. He comes home and mentions this kid or that kid, but he didn't do ANY outside of school activities with ANY of them. He did have a "sleep over" with one boy, who's mom/dad I met by chance up at my son's karate school (the other boy is a student also, but a different rank so they are not in the same karate class). But that outside of school relationship did not blossom or continue. It gets much harder for parents to talk to each other at this age, and so harder for us to intervene to ensure they get together outside of school. It's really up to the kids. My son has a lot of friend/acquaintances outside of school, and 2 pretty good friends (one from his old private school, and a girl from church that went through confirmation classes with him). I am hoping that next year he will find his niche and become good friends with one or two boys at school that I can get to know, that he can go forward in school with.
Maybe none of your son's friends happened to be in the class that had the party you were at? I know my son had classes last year where he didn't really have "friends"... and a lot of the kids already had cliques or peer groups formed from elementary, that he wasn't part of and it can take a while to break into those kinds of groups. Especially at a large school. My son's middle school (6th, 7th, 8th) has around 1200 kids! And they actually are quite limited in their free/socializing time. They are very structured, to hear my son talk about it...
Keep an eye out, ask him if he wants to have a friend over or a friend that wants to see a movie with him (something that is just coming out)... and then have him call and set it up. Maybe he just needs help setting up time outside of school. I don't see any need to "push"... but give him opportunities. If he wants to act on them, he will.
hth
:)
