22 answers

14 Year Old Daughter, Lies, Lazy, Sassy, Help...

I have a 14 yr old girl who drives me crazy, I catch her lying, taking things, she cannot keep her room tidy, she has a very disrespectful tone most of the time, lies about homework, grades go up and down, I have to tell her to do her chores most of the time.I love her,but it is difficult to like her. Has anyone else felt this way?Any advice?

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So What Happened?™

Thanks to all of you wonderful Mamas for the support and advice, but mostly for letting me know that I am not alone. WOW I did not know that could be such a relief. NOW, my daughter is "in love". He has given her a ring, they talk about getting married, I have somehow managed not to overreact, remembering how I felt abolut a certain boy at that age.

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I'm afraid I don't have much advice, only sympathy and empathy. I have a 14 year old daughter that I love like crazy, but as you say, there are days that I find it hard to actually like her. She's happy as long as everything is going her way, but once it isn't, it's like "NOTHING ever happens right for me!" and I'm left mentally tabulating everything I've done for her up to that point. It's exhausting to try to stay on her good side 24/7, and I just can't do it. Anyway, sorry to ramble. Just know that you're definitely not alone. *hugs*

1 mom found this helpful

Welcome to being a teenager's MOM! Tell her you will see the real her in about 11 more years when she really has grown up, instead of just thinking she has. haha

I have been told my advice on teenagers is off the wall, so if you would like my advice you can email me. I have raised two teenage boys and they are both working and in college on their own accord. I have a great relationship with both NOW! and isn't that the real meaning to raising kids.

My quote for life: "You can't live anyone's life for them, they have to live it for themselves." Even teenagers!

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Hi K.,

You are not alone. My 14 year old daughter drives me nutso sometimes. She's a good kid and an honor student but I am telling you if I didn't stay on her case 24/7 she would be a lazy slob who sat in our big comfy chair and texted her friends and IM'd on the computer.

What we as moms have to understand is that these girls are under SO much pressure. Junior High is a horrible place to have to go to every day. I know I would NEVER want to go back.

As long as she's not having sex and using drugs or alcohol, you are doing a great job as a mom. I asked my family physician once, "Why are teenagers SO difficult?" He gave me the best answer:

In nature (in the animal world), the young bear cub (or cat or dog or whatever) will finally begin to do things to irritate the mother: biting, wanting to nurse after being weaned, swatting, etcetera. This is a natural occurrence in the animal world because it is nature's way of giving the mother a reason to "let go" of its offspring, allowing it to venture out on its own and become an independent adult. The same occurs in the human world. The growing child will begin to explore his or her independence, while at the same time doing things to annoy the mother, making it easier for the mother to allow the child to leave the home and become a successful adult.

This was my favorite answer. And so true, huh? As I'm writing this mine is poking me in the shoulder with her index finger and I have no idea why. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.



4 moms found this helpful

Hi K.,

I have a 15 year old daughter I totally understand. The most important thing is pick your battles, I believe the being disrespectful is a lot more important issue than keeping her room tidy. Nobody ever said you have to like her as long as you always love her and she knows it. Thats all that is really important. My mother always told us girls (I am the youngest of 4 girls)" I don't care if you hate me I'm not here to be your friend I'm here to raise you to be a responsible, independent Women. I totally agree with Amy when she said as long as she is not having sex, doing drugs, or drinking. you are doing a great job with your daughter. Hang in there someday she will be joy to have around again.

2 moms found this helpful

Have you been "peeking" in at our house??? Oh how I can relate! Ours is 13 & is so hateful & lazy & the messiest person I've ever met. She has to be told to bathe, then you have to stand in the bathroom to make sure she gets in the shower...her teeth are horrible because she won't brush them....she is a "master" liar and sneak the list goes on ! We've had to lock our pantry & freezers & hide the key...She has plenty of good food to eat & isn't "deprived" in any way but the thrill of sneaking is a problem! I've come up with several items of clothing missing only to find them in the bottom of the trash can...I have to lock up my make up even though she has her own & the list goes on! We've done extra chores, standing in the corner for 30 min. & the latest thing that seems to work is making her do sit ups, push ups & jumping jacks....she hates exercise! I can truly relate & sympathize with you!!

2 moms found this helpful

Yes, at times I get really frustrated I have a teenager who is thirteen and will be fourteen in January and she acts exactly like your child.

I have had to really get strict with her and this has helped some but her mouth still runs. She doesn't think before she speaks and man, can she be disrespectful. I have learned with the grades that our school has a website that keeps all her grades online and I can check them as often as I want. I sat her down and explained to her that honesty is the best policy and told her about the website and I let her know that I would know when she is hiding grades. Also, the school has a planner ( a calender/book) that the kids are required to write all their assignments down for each day. One rule that I have is when she gets home from school I need to see the planner. I check it and we go over what they did in class and talk about her day.

And of course if she hides grades, she would have a consequence. I always try to find something that I know she really enjoys, t.v. or ipod. Also, folding clothes she can't stand to do and this is a good consequence.

Also she has told me on several occasions that she doesn't know what she has to do on her chores, just an excuse of course, but no problem, I just typed her a daily chore list. Now there's no excuse, and if it doesn't get done, a consequence she has. It sounds like I'm really being tough, but life has gotten a lot simpler with me buckling down. Now the mouth situation, I'm still working on trying to fix that, unfortunately I think it's just a phase they go through, but if she says something really ugly she gets a consequence.
Hope this helps.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi K.,
I have a 14 year old boy. He also does the lieing and being disrespectful. I too am at my wits ends and don't know what else to do. I just wanted to let you know your not alone. If you ever want to chat I'm here for you.Have a great day.

1 mom found this helpful

Welcome to the teenage years!!Alot of what she is doing is related to her hormones I have been through that with my own I have 4 children(2 oldest are girls) 18,16, 14 and 11. It has to do with their age. I would set boundaries for her. If she doesn't get her room cleaned at least once a week she can't go out say with her friends. You need to let her know you won't allow her to talk that way to you and punish her accordingly.

One of may daughters and her grades did the same thing and we found her lying about getting homework completed. We also found the friends she was hanging out with were encouraging her. So I started to communicate with her teachers on a weekly basis by email. I asked to see her assignment notebook and stayed on her at home and the teachers also encourged her at school. With us working together she started to turn in all assignments on time and her grades came up.

At that age it is the first time they have really had to study since it is the beginning of high school, they may not have developed good study habits so you may have to help her and show her what is expected.

Hang in there it does get better.

1 mom found this helpful

Unfortunately, I have no real suggestions. I could have wrote this myself exactly. All I can say is stay on her. Find out if her school has online grades and check them daily. I have gone as far as to strip my daughters room down to a matress on the floor, 7 changes of clothes, and nothing else. She had to earn it all back. I was tired of seeing brand new clothes she requested I buy on the floor, trampled, with the tags still on. We started with losing priviledges. After a while, she kept on losing it, getting it back... so we chose another route. Now, she has to earn everything. If she doesn't clean her room, do her own laundry, help with the dishes, etc... there are consequences. She can wear dirty clothes, chose to either clean the dishes or eat off dirty ones, or sleep on the floor. It is an everyday battle. She still lies, tries to sneak things behind my back, but it is slowly getting better. She knows the consequences. I use to feel sorry that she missed a friends party or let her do things because her being grounded punished the whole family. I can't do that anymore. When I say something is going to happen, it has to happen. Consistency seems to be the best thing.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I really don't have much advice, but we should start a club!! I have one of those too...she has been grounded for ever and has finally started to come back and do stuff right. I have had to taake away every fun thing she ever did, and she had to change her friends. It has been very trying and difficult, but ultimately she will have to make the choices for her self. That is the most difficult thing for a parent to realize is that they are finding themselves and will go throught the rebellious times-we just have to do our best to keep them safe... Good luck and if you find something that works let me know!!!


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